Hi Everyone,

I know it's been a while. I have been going through so much that I've decided to post again.

For those of you that don't remember my last post -

Pregnant by OP. He wanted an abortion. I had a hard time deciding what to do so I told him that I got one after several failed attempts to do so. I am alone and eventually decided to carry the baby to term.

About two weeks ago, I felt the overpowering need to confront OP and let him know the truth. I felt extremely guilty for hiding due to fear. I was very suprised at how well he took the news. He said that he would stand by me through the rest of the P, and that he would support giving the child up for adoption.

Last night I asked him if he would be there in the delivery room with me and he said "no". Do I have a right to be angry at him for this? It's hard enough that I'm carrying a child that is unwanted, I don't want to be alone during the delivery. This will be so hard.

OMTM wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last night I asked him if he would be there in the delivery room with me and he said "no". Do I have a right to be angry at him for this? It's hard enough that I'm carrying a child that is unwanted, I don't want to be alone during the delivery. This will be so hard. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I read your post correctly, you both agreed to give the child up for adoption? He said he would stand by you and give the child up? Is this what you agreed to? If it is, why are you angry when he chose not to be there? If y'all are giving the child up, perhaps that's easiest for him?

If you need labor support for childbirth if you go to www.dona.com you can find a doula (birth assistent) I had one with Bubba and she was great...I got her for free because I agreed to evaluate her fresh out of doula school (if that's what you call it) doulas are great and good to have if you are alone in childbirth...I was alone for Curly-top's birth and it was a sad day for me, I can kind of relate to childbirth alone.

If I misunderstood your situation, I apologize and will go back and search your other posts to be able to understand more clearly.

Twiisty

Dear OMTM

I am so glad to see you back here and am so encouraged for your child and for you by the decision you have made. Though heartbreaking for you, it is generous and loving and unselfish to your child. God bless you, OMTM.

As for the father not wanting to be in the delivery room, I am sorry you will be alone. Is he married? I imagine he doesn't want to bond in any way since the child will be given to adoption. If he isn't married, though, it wouldn't hurt for him to be nearby at least to give you emotional support.

Regardless, I just want you to know I have been where you are right now this very minute. My first husband was not with me when I gave birth to our second son as we had been separated nearly the entire time I was pregnant so I spent the entire pregnancy by myself. I gave up my son for adoption in 1969 and in 1988 he searched the records and found me and we have had a relationship ever since. He told me about his wonderful and happy childhood and how much his parents loved him and sacrificed for him and that he was grateful for all the advantages.

We had a happy ending, but more importantly, he had a wonderful life. I made the right decision.

Love and prayers

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

toomany,

Congradulations on your mature and generous decisions. My heart goes out to you, your baby, and your baby's future parents. You are doing a good thing, an incredible beautiful thing.

As to your question, I don't think you should be mad at the OP for not joining you in the delivery room. I'm assuming he's married? He should focus on the recovery of his marriage. A birth is about bonding with the woman and the baby as a family unit, and this man need not, should not.

However, YOU deserve support!!!!! I agree with twiisty, get a doula! Doulas and midwives are wonderful birth attendants!!!! Is there a limit on how many can be there? If you can have a supportive mom, sister and/or friend AND a doula, do that!! Are you chosing the adoptive family ahead of time? Some birthmoms chose to allow the adoptive mom at or soon after the birth. Whatever helps make this process better for you in your wise decision. God bless you.

Prayers,
J, in recovery 4 years and adopting parent

(PS Have you checked into the support available for birthmoms? Maternity homes or adoption agencies can include nonresident birthmoms at classes or support groups. Look locally and online. Good luck!)

OMTM
Can't say that I didn't get sick to my stomach when I found out that my WS was at the delivery of his alleged son (he's never even seen me give birth to a child! Our children are from previous marriages)...but, he said that if the child is his he deserves to have his father welcome him into the world...That the baby is innocent and here by no fault of his own. My WS and I were still married, but separated, and I had filed for divorce at the time of the baby's birth. We're divorced now, but considering reconciliation. If his, the child would be a part of our lives. A part of me (a very small part!) feels proud of him for putting the innocent child first. (And he didn't even want anymore children with anyone! He had asked her to get an abortion.) Maybe it's different when considering giving the child up for adoption, so bonding isn't a primary concern. The clinical therapist part of me,however,knows how crucial those first several moments of bonding can be to the healthy longterm psychological development of a child, with mom and dad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lila1955:
<strong>The clinical therapist part of me,however,knows how crucial those first several moments of bonding can be to the healthy longterm psychological development of a child, with mom and dad.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does the clinical therapist part of you acknowledge the fact that any bonding with the child in the delivery room between MM and OW and child is extremely detrimental to the BS and the marriage if the couple are in recovery and creates a dangerous bond between OW and MM? I truly believe that the MM has no place in the delivery room because of the special circumstances and being in the delivery room is only to support the OW, therefore, the OC will have to forego those first few moments of bonding that some therapists might think are so important to the child because the marriage and Betrayed Spouse must come first. I believe that the child will not know or remember those first few moments, or benefit from bio dad being there, regardless of what therapists believe. My own first memories were at 2 1/2 years old drinking from a water fountain.

The child IS innocent and should not have to suffer for the sins of their parents, but they will. It is so sad and so confusing and so heatbreaking...

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

No.

He is NOT married just a BIG TIME CP! I was WP. I haven't had contact with him for 3 months, but I had to tell him the truth.

I am not in a relationship at the moment, although I desire very much to work it out with X. This has nothing to do with P. My desire to reconcile is one of the key factors that led me to this decision.

I guess I'm feeling ANGRY because I am left to deal with ALL of the damage. I'm okay with owning my part in it.

I'm feeling that HE should have to DEAL with some of this. I am so ANGRY with myself for ever getting involved in the first place! I am ashamed. Unfortunately I HAD to contact OP to tell him. I need some information from him too for this child's sake such as medical history and stuff.

I am glad that I didn't destroy this child's chance of having a life though. With all of the mistakes I have made and the damage I have caused to others, this would have been VERY wrong. I wanted so much to get the A to stop hurting X and OM! Why wasn't I thinking about me or the child?

Every time I feel this baby kick inside of me, I am sad because I want to love it so much, but I can't! I am so detached that it scares me. I guess I'm just startin gto come out of denial about it all. It's just so overwhelming.

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: one_mistake_too_many ]</small>

OMTM

Oh, I am so sorry for your pain. I am a little confused, though. What is CP? And when you refer to your X are you speaking of your husband-partner or the OM? Is the OP your OM and the father of the child? And who do you want to reconcile with? Your husband-partner or the OP-OM?

If you want to reconcile with your husband-partner, why would you want the OP-OM at the delivery? Do you have contact with your husband-partner? Do you have children together? Who are the childrens' fathers? All the same man?

It all sounds like such a mess. I know this is a very, very difficult thing for you to go through and I will keep you in my prayers.

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

Thanks for caring.

CP - Commitment Phobic.
X - partner
OP - OM

Yes X and I have children together. No he isn't in my life other than to talk about kids.

I would Like OP there because he is part of this. He is 1/2 responsible and in a way I want him to FACE what his actions have done. I gues for me, I have to deal with the psychological pain for 9 months.

I want him to have some pain too! I want him to have to remember the face of the child that I will never be able to hold. I want him to hear the first cry of this child that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I guess I'm really angry right now. I normally am not like this. That's what this board is for though, right. To express my feelings.

OK. So you want OP to suffer because you are suffering. That is a normal response, I suppose, but it isn't productive to your reconciliation with your X...do you want to reconcile with your X? If so, how about focusing on what you can do to reunite your family instead of being resentful of OM.

I know he is half responsible but didn't he say he would stick with you throughout your pregnancy? I think that is pretty commendable since there is no future for the two of you. And I don't mean to sound snarky or judgmental, but if you have had three children already, you know how this happens and how to prevent it. It really is the woman's responsibility to take care of her own body and make sure this doesn't happen to her.
I am really not trying to bust your chops, OMTM, because I know you already feel like [censored] and feeling blue. I just want you to think about this for a moment and acknowledge your responsibility in this, which I am sure you have beaten yourself up plenty for already.

I know you are at a really low point in your life and feeling really scared, angry and alone, but to focus on the OP rather than on your children and your X is counterproductive. You need to make plans to change your life once this is over and focus on making your future better for you and your kids.

You've come to the right place to vent your sadness and anger and resentment...keep unloading here because we want only the best for you.

Praying for you

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

OMTM:

If you want to keep the child, go ahead and do it. OM is legally responsible to pay for him/her. You don't have to have him involved and you will get the financial support you need to take care of baby omtm.

If this hinders your recovery with your X-SO, then by all means, give the child up for adoption. I read (and if I read wrong, correct me) in between the lines that you are ambivilent about giving up the child. I see the root of bitterness developing in that and that is not productive for your health of you and baby omtm.

[QUOTE]I want him to have some pain too! I want him to have to remember the face of the child that I will never be able to hold. I want him to hear the first cry of this child that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

He won't have pain. He's already figured that it's a problem he's soon getting rid of. You can never make him feel what you feel. No matter how good it would feel for you for him to hear the first cry of the child that will haunt you for the rest of your life...he won't react the way you hope he will. He just might be glad the ordeal is finally over with...Believe me, I know. I want the OW in our situation to hurt like I do and in reality, she won't. She has her own personal pain that I don't know about as I have mine.

People don't always feel the way you want them to. I would get counseling, heal myself and then decide if adoption is the option that I really want to go. It isn't easy and you aren't alone...there are people here who will walk with you and be the shoulder you need. I'm sure you have friends and family that can support you also.

You do have the choice to keep the child and make the OP suffer by paying CS, that would be a constant reminder for the next 18 years of his responsibility, won't it? But how will it help you if you want to reconcile with your X?

Does your X want to work things out with you?

I pray that you make the right decisions...pregnancy and the hormones with it make it soooo difficult to make good choices at times. Please get some counseling...there are even free counselors...you need to look in the phone book. It does help to have a neutral third party listening and pointing out some things that you are too close to the situation to see.

Please continue to post and keep us updated. I pray for you for wisdom,
Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

catnip,
Whether you "belief" it or not, bonding is a well studied issue. Children who have inadequate bonding can be more challenged in life to be able to emotionally connect to others. This, in turn, can affect the development of empathy and conscience. Also, we know what the impact of touch (obviously a part of bonding) has on infant physical growth and development. Examine preemie studies regarding the effect of touch on weight gain and health. Just because you have no conscious memory of something doesn't mean it has no impact. If that were true, we could treat infants like crap because they wouldn't remember anything before 2 years old.

I would love to be able to negate what I know! It would be sooooo much easier to ignore the whole mess! But my ignoring it, and/or believing it to not be true doesn't make it so. If you believe that your marriage and children come first, then so be it. If it makes it easier for you to take that stance by negating infant bonding needs, then go for it!! But as we all know, there are consequences to all our choices and decisions. Wishing it weren't so doesn't change it. If it did, I sure wouldn't need to be coming to this forum. Wouldn't that be great!

OMTO,
Even if the father shows up, as others have said, there's no guarantee he'll have the reactions and consequences you want for him. What do you need during the time of birth? Love, comfort, words of assurance, a hand to hold? Doesn't sound like you can get it from him. Anger, guilt, despair? How will that help you at the time when you are engaged in the hard work of labor and delivery? If you can't have him there, what would be the next best situation? Just a few thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lila1955:
[QB]catnip,
Whether you "belief" it or not, bonding is a well studied issue. Children who have inadequate bonding can be more challenged in life to be able to emotionally connect to others. This, in turn, can affect the development of empathy and conscience. Also, we know what the impact of touch (obviously a part of bonding) has on infant physical growth and development. Examine preemie studies regarding the effect of touch on weight gain and health. Just because you have no conscious memory of something doesn't mean it has no impact. If that were true, we could treat infants like crap because they wouldn't remember anything before 2 years old.

I would love to be able to negate what I know! It would be sooooo much easier to ignore the whole mess! But my ignoring it, and/or believing it to not be true doesn't make it so. If you believe that your marriage and children come first, then so be it. If it makes it easier for you to take that stance by negating infant bonding needs, then go for it!! But as we all know, there are consequences to all our choices and decisions. Wishing it weren't so doesn't change it. If it did, I sure wouldn't need to be coming to this forum. Wouldn't that be great!

OMTO,
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you misunderstood, or I was clumsy in my attempts to convey what I meant.

I realize and acknowledge all you say is true about bonding. I am assuming this child will get all that bonding touching, loving and holding from the mother and her family and friends. My point is that the bio dad need not be ther to lavish this onto the child if he is married with a family of his own. He has no place in the delivery room except to give support to OW which could cost the marriage a great, great deal. The child will not remember the event so the support is for the OW.

That's all I meant.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

OMTM,

Have you started the process of contacting an adoption agency or adoptive parents? I have seen where the adoptive Mother is in the delivery room for support.

I'm sure this OP doesn't want to connect in anyway to the child he will never know. Its not likely he will want to be there and of course you have no choice.

Warm wishes,
CM

Hi OMTM,

Glad to see you back. I was concerned about you.

Your feelings are you feelings and no ones should try to invalidate them. You are going through an emotional time right now.

The decision to give up the baby for adoption is a tough one. And until you sign the papers, you also have the right to change you mind. I say this because I got the impression that you don't really want to give up the baby.

As far as the OM, don't expect him to be there. You need loving supportive people around you during this time.

Has X told you that if you give up the baby he will come back? Would he be willing to raise baby as his? If he wants to work on R with you, why won't he do it now. Yes, you being pg is a constant reminder to him. I guess at this point, I will refrain from making judgements about X. I just think that if he was sincere on wanting to work things out he would be there for you.

How will you will towards X if you give up the baby, and he comes back. Will you be okay with this? Will you resent X because of this?

I'm asking these questions because I want to be sure you have covered all the bases. This is a major decision in your life.

When it comes to the final moment, you will make the right decision.

Take care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by one_mistake_too_many:
<strong>...I have to deal with the psychological pain for 9 months.

I want him to have some pain too! I want him to have to remember the face of the child that I will never be able to hold. I want him to hear the first cry of this child that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I guess I'm really angry right now...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((HUGS))) Hmmm... at least you are facing the harsh reality of what is happening to you.

Are you sure you wouldn't want to have any family members who would be willing to support you in the delivery room? You didn't say...

Hang in there and try to stay calm and at peace for the unborn's sake. I admire you for having so much courage. After having an abortion as a teenager, when I got pregnant by a married man a few years later, I could not give the baby up. There was just no way...

I know you are feeling like the baby is part of him and therefore he should accept some responsibility, but the reality is that he is not going to. It's up to you.

This is why many women fight so hard for abortion rights because of single men who leave them in the cold and don't step up to the plate in an unplanned pregnancy crisis. It's not fair!

In my case, I knew I would be going it alone, from A to Z, so I know how you feel. It's not easy. If this is your firstborn, you definitely will never forget this for the rest of your life. (((MOREHUGS)))

Praise God that the baby is kicking! Don't lose sight of the absolute miracle that is taking place in your body. It is such a miracle to conceive a baby and carry to term. You are so blessed to be able to do this, ya know?? Not to mention the incredible gift that you will be passing on to a loving family. I pray that the baby will have a loving, nurturing family who can make him feel secure and safe for the rest of his life.

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 03:00 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>