It's been easy for me lately to "forget" that I was involved in an oc situation. I have so much going on in my life now, so many changes, that I have tried to put those painful times behind me. In fact, when classmates at school ask me about my divorce, I usually make a joke along the lines of, "Oh, my h and I got along fine, it was his girlfriend I couldn't stand." And actually, this is more untrue than true, because the affair was long over with by the time we got divorced, but it sure is easier to say that then to tell them about the whole saga, from finding out about oc, to fighting for visitation, to explaining to my children where this "new sister" came from, to the days when the children ate scrambled eggs and ramen noodles for a week b/c the child support drained our finances, to my husband's personality changes, to the physical and mental abuse....It is much easier to let my friends think that my husband cheated on me and I had the guts to get out of the marriage. It's easy for me to pretend that none of it happened.

But now, I've been watching this debate rage on, and it reminds me where I have been and who I really am. I think that those who want to defend the oc need to remember how terribly painful this is for the BS. When I found out that my husband created a child with ow, I lost so much in a instant. I had always been very proud of the fact that I had provided my children with a "normal" family - that was taken away from me. My children now have a half-sister that they have no contact with, and maybe someday they will appreciate the idea and get to know each other as adults, but for now that is impossible. I know that right now, my oldest son attends the same school that oc does, and I can only imagine the looks of pity and curiosity on his teachers' faces when he tells them about her. Part of the pain is knowing that there is something that I can't protect my children from. I also know that the oc's life is not what it should be. Her mother has had various boyfriends, the one oc called "daddy" committed suicide - and chances are she will never have a stable home. Or at least not the kind of home I wanted my husband's child to have. There is a profound sense of loss in knowing that another woman is raising your husband's child - that another woman gave birth to her...

I also lost the ability to reap the benefits of my labor. I struggled and worked three part-time jobs when we were first married so that I could get my college degree. I supported and encouraged my husband while he trained as a mechanic. It was all working for us, for our family, for a future together. Then when the child support payments came, it hurt doubly knowing that not only was another woman raising my husband's child, but she was getting paid for it - and there was so much my children had to go without. As a reasonable person, I know that oc need financial support too. But as a mother, it cut so deeply when almost half my husband's income went to the ow and I couldn't afford to buy my children nice Christmas presents. It hurt to think that for 18 years, our ability to make a life for ourselves would be hindered.

The worst part of it all was the lack of control. THe ow had choices. And yes, my h had choices, too. In fact, I found letters recently in our attorney's file that prove that ow's pregnancy was planned by both h and ow - not, as I had thought, an unfortunate mistake. But I had no choices about oc being born. And I had no choice about my h having an affair. And when I finally had some choices to make, the choices I had really sucked. I could stay and fight for a marriage that would never be the same, - which was the choice I originally made - or I could leave and break up my children's family - the choice I ended up having to make. The feeling of helplessness is the worst part of all of it, I think. That is what makes these situations so hard - BS's have no choices to make until all of the important choices have already been made.

I'm saying this for Mo5, and the others, not to criticize your defense of the oc, but to remind you that BS's suffer profoundly in many ways that I can't even begin to articulate. It is the concept of the oc that they hate, not the oc. I truly cared about my h's oc and grew to love her very much. But the facts surrounding her conception will always be the most horrifically painful event in my life. This is not about the children. Nobody hates the children. I have been known to make comments to long-time friends about my ex-h's "[censored]" child, but Lord knows, that is in private conversation and is in anger that is directed at my ex-h, and sometimes at the ow, not the child herself. I would never, never do anything to hurt that child, nor would anybody here want to hurt oc. The word is a reference to the profoundly painful situation. It is an ugly word, yes, but sometimes we all have ugly feelings. It's very easy to forget how hurtful this situation is for the BS. Sometimes, even I forget.
-cd

Ah, CD, your post spoke volumes to those of us who have an OC in their lives. Your sentiments are mine.
Most especially, the statement, that I was the only one to give my H a child. Someone else usurped that, STOLE thtat uniquesness from me, his wife.
I anticipate the pain my daughters will feel when they realise their father betrayed them as well as me, by having a dau with another woman.
When my sons see that the woman their father preached to them honor, he dishonored her when he broke his marriage vows. When my youngest son learns that while I was pregnant with him, his father made love with another woman and she bore him a child, robbing my son of his unique
position of being his father's youngest child. She is the youngest child, and youngest dau., my 2nd dau treaures her position of being the youngest girl, "Daddy's little girl".
When the OW send an infant picture of her dau calling her "Daddy's little girl", I thought I would be ill.
I could go on, but I won't, you do it so eloquently. Please stay with us.
I am so glad you are doing well.

Texasgirl

wow,

well cd, I'd say you didn't forget tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . you talk about artulating our(BS) feelings.

IMHO, painful, no choices, horrific, a joke, fighting, [censored], physical/mental abuse(abuse is such a nice, sanitary, clinical word for this situation, how about trauma, torture, exploitation, insulting, berating, revile, denigration, oppression, torment, defamation, or just plain old out and out blantantly willfull, premeditated CRUELTY!!!! How do those words grab ya? now back to regularly scheduled posting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), struggled, hindered, a sense of loss, lost ability, helplessness, and ugly ought to scratch the tip of the iceberg of a BS's feelings in this insane situation.

Now, CD, i'd like to propose an extra added "bonus" thought for you to ponder when you start thinking you have no silver lining. what if you were a male (I know it's a stretch and after what happened to you, you probably hate us, but try to grasp the proposal) in the exact same situation, and knew that another male who must be better than you somehow has entered your wife(still makes me cringe.... UCKKKK!!!), shot his baby making seed in her in a moment of unbridled passion, and you may soon live with, and surely will love 'HIS'(double UCKKK!!!!) [censored] child. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CREAK.... thats the sound of me gettin' off my pitty pot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and rejoining the land of the living. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

peace to you all, even the WS's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
tim

ps. i have a roof over my head, nice clothes to wear, and plenty of food in the fridge..... I am really blessed beyond 90% of this world, and here I am complaining.... go figure. I... no one else.... have chosen to stay in this painful marriage, not to be a martyr or because i am a superspiritual person or because my spouse is worthy of this treatment, but out of love and obediance to the Lord. if reconciliation is at hand, i want to give all i can to grab it and run as far away from the enemy with it as we can.

Dear CD,
Remember you gave me the crown? When we tried visitation? I had bad experiences with ow but none compared to the likes of you.

You get the crown back tonight for telling it like it is.

A while back I went back in time and re-read some of our threads.

We were a bunch of lunatics! We put up with so very much for "our man".

Too much....

I told my H this past Fathers day, when he was not appreciative of what he had, but acting like he was missing something....that he could have oc.

He would then lose me as his wife and the respect of our grown son (which he lost regardless).
I would not stand in his way, but I would not be at his side.

And for what? A few hours a week? Maybe.

H apologized for his actions. Cried and told me they would never interfere with our healing lives again. That he was being so selfish after he almost lost the two most important people in his life.

You see, he THOUGHT he could do both at first.
We tried and were persecuted for trying because ow wanted things HER way or no way.

Plus it was his d-day of sorts as past Fathers day 2001 I called ow (at her request as she wrote me with her phone number) and asked if I could come and surprise my H by picking up the baby for a few hours.

The response I got was as if I asked her to cut off her money-maker and let me strut it on prostitutes alley!

To make a long story short, we decided together to continue on without any more heartache...for me or for H.

It was the most healing decision we made.

The pain my H felt for me ,for trying was incredible.

I truly feel Dr. Harley's advice to me was the correct one.

No visitation. Heal together and do the best you can to make each other number 1 again.

Children come and leave...then what else do you have but each other?

A tough call but to each their own private decisions.

I still am amazed at the way H and I healed. You all remember our priest was counseling ow/H behind my back? After I went to my parish first for help? God IS GREAT and uncovers all the devils evilness in time.

Peace to all. Especially you tonight,CD
Love
Debi

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

CD, you are eloquent. Law school has a winner in you.

I agree- I don't think the OW really get the pain of what she has taken away from us. I know my OW doesn't. She and her buddies talk as if they know our pain, and yet want me to move on. Move on to what? to a life that is totally screwed up and changed forever because of her desires to sire a child with my H? The loss of respect my children have for their father is so painful to see. He could have, and should have, been a wonderful role model for our kids. His life was led, up until this grave mistake, honorably and shamelessly. Now it is filled with pain, disrespect, and lack of honor. It is a horror. And it is painful to see my children view their father as a weak man with addictions that caused such problems for him, us, and them. I don't like being the parent who was wronged by the man who allegedly pledged his love and respect to me. It stinks.

You , in some respects, are lucky to get out of this whole mess. Yet I know the pain of all this has such long lasting effects, that it never goes away, in or out of it. It just keeps going, going, going.

I will write to you soon.