I'm a new member and having a very difficult time with my wifes 22 year old daughter. She is a recovering drug addict. She has been on drugs for about 7-8 years and this is not the first time she has said she wants to get clean. She lies, steals and who knows what else she's into. My wife is having a very difficult time with dealing with this becaus she has been told this before only to be let down time after time. My real delima now is me. I hate to say this but I can't stand her daught. Idon't want to be around her or even talk to her. I love my wife and I want to be there for her but I am having a real difficult time with all this. The whole situation is driving a wedge between my wife and I and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated and becoming filled with hate for her daughter. Can someone help me with how to handle this.

thanks,
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By the way you said that, I'm assuming that your W has been divorced and remarried. do you have kids together? Or any othe rkids? perhaps from previous marriages?

Actually we have both been married before. We do not have children together. My W has 2 chldren - 22 & 19 and I have 5 also all grown and gone. We have no children living with us. We have been together now for a little over 3 years. When I first met my wife her daughter was heavily into drugs and for a while was really bad. Severaltimes she has said she is going to go to rehab and get herself straightened out but has never really followed through. Her daughter has stolen from me and two years ago, the day after Christmas, I had to make her leave the house because of her actions. This girl has some real problems. I have done everything I can and given so much but I am at the end and just don't know what to do anymore.

Unlike some parents, I am not a fan of the "unlimited chances" rule, because of the potential for abuse.

The old fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me is probably a little strong, but fool me 37 times is over the line.

It's hard for a parent to see their child make poor choices. But living *through* the consequence is also what encourages change. More so than rescue.

I have kids of my own, and I know it would break my heart. But I had a very close relative live with us for a while, and they abused the trust. And now they're not welcome in the home. And it's difficult, and it's sad, and it's not perfect and there's nothing I can do about it.

The boundary was clearly defined, they abused it.

Nor am I a fan of unlimited chances......that's why I am at the "end of my rope". But the fact still remains that my wife, who is "her" mother feels quite differently. She just constantly keeps falling into the "trap" and won't give up. I try to understand and be as supportive as possible, but I can't stand it anymore to see my wife continually being hurt by her. If I say anything to my wife about her daughter, or try and express my feelings my wife gets upset with me. This girl is driving the wedge deeper and deeper between her mother and I. I love my wife and want to help........but honestly I've just about had it.

Lots of parents fall into the trap of letting their children come between them and their spouses.

I would encourage you to sit down with your wife, perhaps with an MC present, and just share your concerns. Not attack her for her choices, but just spell out the fact that you are concerned about the toll being taken on the relationship. That there is a tremendous toll being paid by the W supporting a D that is taking advantage of her.

And that your goal is to protect *everybody*. not enforce you will, not that everything has to be done your way, but just that the current cycle cannot continue because it's obviously not working. So something has to change. Do some brainstorming...

But try to present it as a partnership with your W to help her solve the issue with her D, not as a judgement that your W is failing because she isn't doing wha tyou think she should.

Thanks......I will definitely give it a try. I think that in the past my W has probably taken what I have said the wrong way. That is she thinks because I don't like what her D is doing to her that all I am trying to do is impose MY will and keep her away from her D. I realize it's her daughter and she wants to assume she's always sincere and do all she can to "fix" her.....but my W is always let down and taken advantage of time after time. I am sure there are times my emotions show through as just the opposite of what I am tring to convey to her. I'll definitely try the partnership approach. As for brainstorming though, not sure I have much left up there anymore. I think it's about fried <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .