Hi - I've been lurking around occasionally, but I felt like I had to work some things out for myself and see where it got me. I swear - for those that don't know my story - Been with husband 16 years have 5 year old daughter; after D was born H got it on with the daycare teacher (19yr old) and I found out about affair when she was pregnant. Back and forth we go for years - I had FINALLY (with the help of you guys) accepted the OC and offered an olive branch. Someone in the family (probably MIL or H) told my D that the OC was her brother. I was furious - that was not the way I wanted the situation handled for someone so young. Anyway, H and I have been off again on again. Don't think he has truly cut his "relationship" with OW; feel like he's riding both sides of the fence - wants what he has at home, but can't give up life with OW. Fast forward to now. Found out about, let's see back in May - saw OW - guess what - she has a big fat belly - is pregnant - I almost lose my lunch as I see her walking out of a place of business. Of course, my first reaction - - "is it my husband's child?" Dear lord, could this nightmare possibly happen twice to the same person? No one could possibly be that cruel - oh, but cruel indeed. I immediately called my H; he says he does know that she is Pregnant, but it is not his child, so he is not worried about it. Then later (via MIL) I find out that he thinks there is a "possibility" that it is his child, because "wow" he did sleep with her back in August of 2001, when I had kicked him out-- Just to get back at me! (he's such a winner, isn't he?) Low and behold my MIL just "knows" that it is his child and he calls me on a Saturday in June and let's me know that she has called him and wants him to come to the hospital as she is giving birth. He says no - but his mother goes, because in her heart she knows it is her grandchild (even though she promised me she would never do anything re: this situation that would hurt me). MIL calls H later and tells him that it looks just like the OC (boy)(this one is a girl) and she is adorable.

I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. H swears he never sees new OC and he will have a paternity test b4 he has anything to do with the situation; but amazingly I find out, quite by accident, that a month ago he took her to the Dr. because the OW had started a new job and couldn't take off, but my H sure had the time to take her. I told him to leave and pack up and go move in with her. The last year or so I have been struggling with wanting another child and my D and I are very much "baby" people and I'm getting older and didn't want to "regret" not having one. Now I feel (obviously) that OW and my H have managed to take everything I cared about away from me. My MIL has been babysitting for OW and just rolling out the red carpet like they are all 1 happy family. I told my MIL that I couldn't go through this again; this was a nightmare and that I was setting some boundaries; that if she wanted a relationship with me and my D, she would have to back off that situation and not be so "available" for OW to help her out. She explained to me that these were her grandchildren and she couldn't be "herself" if she didn't accept them, etc. etc. So, not only has this OW managed to take my H (even though for the present time is he has been physically living with me); she has also taken my MIL and her loyalties too. I haven't spoken to my MIL in weeks - it's just too painful. I'm suppossed to be the one to do the Christian thing and "these children are innocent" bla bla bla - I agree that they are - but I'm sorry when you babysit or take kids to the Dr. you are ultimately doing it for the OW. Because if she had another man in her life, she would have HIM doing stuff for her, not my H. This situation is TOO SICK for words. I never in 1,000,000 years imagined I could be living like this. In the meantime, my H swears he is having a paternity test for both children (which he has never done). He never gets around to doing anything. He just exists. The hate in me is so bad right now - I can hardly function. I cry some, (okay alot); but the ANGER is so tangible - you can reach out and touch it. It just goes to show me - that if you do the right thing and try to accept the OC - and you are still dealing with a con-artist - the only result you're likely to get is another baby on the way and your heart broken, because you put it out there again to be broken, not only by your H, but OW, MIL and having the OC plucked out of your life because OW "doesn't like it". I happen to be married to someone who doesn't even know what marriage is/was/ or was invented by God to establish and accomplish. The OW has more of a "marriage" to my H than I do. I've got the divorce papers drawn up - I'm just so sad that this is what is going to happen to my D - (not that she's had such a peachy life with the loser I chose for her dad), but she adores him anyway. People can be so cruel - and I would never have dreamed that me - Sr. Class President, beauty queen and a very resourceful woman, would be in this situation. It sucks all the dignity and all the self-confidence you have right out of you. That's why right now I'm probably more "sensitive" these OW or MM DEMANDING rights for the illegitimate children. I don't have anything against the OC - it's their Mother's who are vultures and have no conscience about what they are doing to MY CHILD!!!!!! My child has lost her father (realistically) and has a broken home because of this OW and her need to "possess" my H. My MIL did tell me that the OW's mother confessed that the OW "wanted" to get Pregnant and tried her to best too, so that my H would "finally" leave me and be with her. I know that all OW are not this way, and some actually have a conscience and do feel really bad about their choices, etc. (we all have our faults), but to walk around proclaiming what their "rights" are in a family of which they are not a part is just a little too much for me to swallow right now. If it wasn't for my D, I swear I would just run straight off a bridge right now - - and just say "here you go" just take my life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: Daycare Disaster ]</small>

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

We're here for you. I don't have the words for you right now. But we are here for you. Please don't be a stranger....

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

Daycare Disaster,

I lurk ocassionally and seldom post. Last time when I post was to ask for prayers for my friend who's h had an affair and committed suicide in ow car. I didn't have the oppt. to thank this wondeful ladies for their prayers. I went into a very severe depression,even try killing myself and for what. I haven't post on this board because I feel I do not have any advice to give to people, and most of the time when I came to these boards was to ask for advice. I feel that you have to give back in order to receive.

However today I am off from work I was lurking,and reading some of the post. Your situation is so similar to mine. I do not know if you are familiar with my story.

My h had an affair and now has two oc with the same ow. Like your h my h said one thing and did the opposite. My use to see oc #1 behind my back, and also was sleeping with ow. During one of these encounters oc#2 produce. I was in denial for a very long time. Didn't even believe that ow was pregnant since she had move to Florida. I figure she doesn't have anything to lose now that she has move to another state. My h will tell me she's lying when all along he knew the thruth. I found out for sure when ow send a picture of the new oc. with hospital information. I called the hospital to confirm and I spoke to a lady at medical records, she did confirm what I didn't want to believe, and even looking at the picture of the new baby that look like my h I was still in denial. When they sneak around to see oc behind our back most of the time they are sleeping with ow, and these are the consequeces another child.

My advice to you seek your family support. My family do not know about oc#2. I wish I have told them because I went through a major depression.
Get medication to help you get thru this.

Take Good care of yourself!

Prayers and hugs
mina

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: mina29 ]</small>

Hi Daycare Disaster,
Thank you for posting. This is a good place to vent... I too am glad you have a daughter who needs you to be strong and protect your lives right now from hurtful, unhealthy people.

You wanted to do the right thing, you did the right thing, you wanted to believe your husband and believe in him and you did. There's nothing to regret for that. Your MIL is so caught up in the idea of wanting more grandkids, she hasn't even taken time to find out if these OC's are truly hers yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

There were stories on this board this year about DNA tests coming up NEGATIVE! I can't figure out why your H would just take OW's word and not question her morals, if any...

I just wanted to say that I am also glad that your daughter is keeping you alive and strong and moving one foot in front of the other. Hang in there... You are a survivor...

Thanks you guys - I appreciate just getting some of my anger out. Thanks for caring about me when you don't even know me. If I had one wish right now - it would be to take away all the pain and all the suffering that everyone here has endured due to this complicated thing we live called "life". Oh for the knowledge now - to be able to go back and do things differently. Thanks again for just being 'you'.

DayCare,

I saw your handle and immediately thought of my situation.

My H met his OW at our daughter's daycare. This woman saw me nursing my newborn baby and STILL offered up the prize between her legs. (And my drooling idiot H gladly accepted.) <you'd think he'd get the hint she was fertile with three other illegitimate kids, duh>

Anyway, I don't know if your OW was a daycare worker too, but I thought that was an interesting coincidence.

Now for your current problem.

GET DNA. That's all I can say right now. I am one of the aforementioned lucky ones who's OC tested to NOT be the daughter of my H.

Now ... regardless of the results you must must must take care of yourself for your daughter's sake. She needs you to be a better parent than your husband has proved to be. Let God handle softening your husband's heart.

Once you get yourself together you can start making some firm decisions on what's best for you and for your daughter. But until then your choices won't be sound. Get counseling, get medication, aromotherapy, whatever it takes.

I'm saying a prayer for you tonight. You are strong and you'll be fine. Understand that God has special rewards for people like us that endure such pain.

Z.

p.s.

I forgot to mention. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. All that rage and anger is apart of the healing process.

Please don't be ashamed to let those feelings out here on the board. This is the safe haven to do so, and that way you don't pollute you life with negativity.

Keep posting we all are here to be that sholder to cry on and throw you happy parties when things are on the upswing. Maybe Cat will whip up something special for you when she gets back after the weekend. She's quite the cook and has a soft space in her heart for women who are hurting. She's also very good at co-signing all those yucky feelings you are having right now. She was great therapy for me.

Hugs to you,
Z.

Dear Daycare Disaster,

I came out of lurking mode because your post struck a chord and I wanted to reach out to you.

You feel like a fool? Don't you dare. There is nothing foolish about wanting to make your marriage work and keep your family together. Your H is the fool for not realizing what he has with you.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People can be so cruel - and I would never have dreamed that me - Sr. Class President, beauty queen and a very resourceful woman, would be in this situation. It sucks all the dignity and all the self-confidence you have right out of you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This situation of a H having children with another woman has always been portrayed as something that happens to "low-class, uneducated people". So not so. Rich, poor, white, minority, professional, blue-collar -- it can happen to anyone because relationships, sexual needs, "the fog" are things that cross every line and every barrier.

I grew up in a traditional family and expected that, from the day we married, the children we would have would be ours. I never expected to greet a child that my H produced with another woman outside of our marriage.

It does make you question yourself -- what is wrong with me? wasn't I good enough? wasn't I pretty enough? didn't I do the best for my H? But the reality is he committed this terrible act, not you.

Marriage is difficult. Every day cannot be exciting, the sex cannot always be fresh and innovative, the kids sometimes get on your nerves and you sometimes need more money than you have. Some people can't deal with real life. They want to be excited and challenged every day. And, as much as you try, it is unlikely that every day of marriage will ever be that way.

With the OW, your H has the fantasy -- because he spends the exciting and challenging time with her and the mundane, every-day time with you.

As painful as it must be for you, let him go and let him see if reality -- the day-to-day existence with the daycare kitten -- is any different from real life with you. He may very well find out that it is truly different because at least with you he had a woman who was honest and truthful and was not manipulating him to hold him to her. Not so with the daycare kitten ...

As for your MIL -- was she born in Virginia? She must have been because she has a twin living there -- my MIL! My H's family took the same approach -- the OC is our granddaughter regardless of what happened between my H and the mother.

They started babysitting her and inviting her to family events. Problem is -- she was an infant so guess who brought her??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> That was the last family event we went to for a very long time.

As the OC got older, the novelty wore off and by the time she turned 5, my MIL no longer even had the OW's phone number. The OW is now persona non grata and no one in my H's family communicates with her.

Stay on course. Take care of you and take care of your daughter. If your H has any sense at all, once you force him to make some hard decisions, he will seriously think about his life with the OW and without you. But DD, you sound like such a strong lady, even if he doesn't come to the right conclusion, I know you are going to be allright.

There is not only one person for you, although right now it seems like it. My H is my best friend and soul mate, but he is not my first H. My first H died very young and what you are going through is similar. It is like the death of the marriage you thought you had, and the life you thought you were going to live. Grieve for it, but then open your heart again to life without fear and without bitterness.

Sorry this is so long (told you I could really relate to what you were going through).

One more thing, the feelings about wanting another child are so powerful for women. So, I fully understand how betrayed you felt the second time when you basically saw the OW living out what should have been the next phase of your life.
I was suffering through terrible depression over infertility when the OW in my life effortlessly delivered my H's child.

There is no easy solution to overcome these feelings. Admit them, pray about them, and ask God to release you from the feelings of betrayal and sadness. Even if you have not been big on prayer, believe me it helps to have someone to lean on when you have this much suffering on your plate.

I will pray for you and ask God to soften your heart and lead the way to a better life. You are still young, beautiful and have a lot to offer. Don't sell yourself short. You have the inner strength to deal with this problem and come out the winner.

Best of luck to you. Focus on your daughter and keep on course. I am sure that things will work out for you.

love,
heavenly

DD,
I am so sorry you are going through this much agony. I too know the pain of a H having 2OC. It is devastating. I am going through a rather difficult time right now myself, so I can only offer a sympathetic ear.

Heavenly,
Your post could have been meant for me. You expressed again what everyone here has been telling me. I am grieving for my marriage, and what should have been. I question myself over and over again what did I do wrong.

TINA

Thank you girls. You all area so wonderful! I've truly missed posting here - unfortunately (or fortunately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )my H and my MIL have been getting blasted by my anger, but I know that is not healthy. Zebra, my MIL is not from VA, but she is from TN (geez); yeah the OW has shown up at family events to "drop" of the OC and of course my H will run out and "help" her - doesn't it just make you want to puke. I have been praying and I have been having some counseling by my husband's aunt (ironic). She knows him very well, however, she is not as "biased" as his mother re: his behavior. She doesn't make excuses for it like his mother does. She truly wants our marriage to work out and she prays that I will have peace and be able to "let it go" and let God remove the film from his eyes so that he can see what he has/is done/doing. I had been off my antidepressants for a while, and in the last couple of days have gotten back on. I do feel a little better - - not so "hopeless". My MIL has been a friend as well as MIL so it hurts that she would be involved in this whole "betrayal" situation. I would just like to go to sleep and wake up and this all be a bad dream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would just like to go to sleep and wake up and this all be a bad dream. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I would like for it to be a bad dream too, but I'm still living this nightmare and will for a long time....it sucks, doesn't it????

I'm glad to see that your H's aunt is counseling you..I had a relative from my first H's side that was instrumental in my getting over the first nightmare I had to deal with...(His Grandmother disowned him and adopted me and Mr."T" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I pray too that the foggy film gets lifted from your H's eyes. I also know how hard it is when the MIL's act like they do....mine still pines for the "grandaughter she'll never know"...funny thing is, she'll never tell Mr."T" that...just me...I guess it's her passive agressive way of blaming me for No contact when it was Mr."T"'s idea...ah well....thick skin...thick skin....I'm working on my thick skin....

Good to see you feeling better and we are here for you...would love to see you post more.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS....(and we will be wiser and stronger because of it!!!)

Hugs and prayers to you,
Twiisty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry Heavenly - I didn't mean to address Zebra with the MIL issue - it was to you. Sorry about that. Thank you too Heavenly for telling me I'm not a fool. You know how all the "people" you worth with (even though they don't know the scoop, they just know something's up with your marriage) and they say "you are too good for this, or you need to leave his sorry behind, etc. etc." and I do appreciate that they are 'taking up' for me, but the majority of them have not been in OUR shoes. Oh I was definately the one preaching - if my H ever cheated on me I'd be out the door so fast (yada yada yada) . . . I sure am eating my words. The hardest thing for me is having a child with this man and knowing that he will be in my life 1 way or another because of our D. Even if we did divorce - I still have to deal with him on 'issues', etc. Oh well, I just wanted to say thank you all for just letting me vent a little. I feel better just having someone "feel my pain". Isn't it funny, Twisty, how MIL's somehow "blame" us for the fallout that comes from THEIR SON'S affair(s)? It's ironic that your MIL won't say that to your H, but will say it to you. You're right - passive- aggressive. Today is Friday and I hope it doesn't rain here in TN - suppossed to. Do you all get really blue when it is so yucky outside? Maybe that's just me. I feel in a mode to help people today - so let me know if anyone needs anything. Love ya guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it funny, Twisty, how MIL's somehow "blame" us for the fallout that comes from THEIR SON'S affair(s)? It's ironic that your MIL won't say that to your H, but will say it to you. You're right - passive- aggressive </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah...I've finally figured it out kinda/sorta...must be that my MIL maybe deep down blames herself for the choices her son made. I wonder if she feels that it looks down on her mothering...when it had nothing to do with her mothering...also, since he is her son, she carried him, birthed him and raised him, I guess it would be hard to tell your son how disappointed you are in the choices he made. Of course, I have no problem telling my son that if he did that, but hopefully he'll learn from my H's mistakes and not go there. I break this generational cycle and nip it in the bud with my children.

It is probably easier for me to be the scapegoat because she knows I tell my H what she says to me. His whole family is conflict avoidance and passive agressiveness.

Ah well...hope your weekend is dry...we are expecting more storms here in Louisiana....

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty