Hello everyone! I have been lurking around for the last few days and found that everyone has such strong opinions but it all depends on where you are in recovery. I'm a newbie as you call it and I'm so... raw with all my feelings. I hope some day to feel like some of you do about the oc but I am not there yet and really can't imagine myself there for some time. I'm still so hurt and sad about everything and I don't really care about the oc right now. I don't know if I ever will. I'm just trying to make it day to day or hour by hour some days. I need to know that how I feel is normal and not to be made to feel guilty about our choice of nc right now. I'm so... frightened of the future because who knows what it has instore for me. I need support!! I need to know in time I will be okay! This is so hard to deal with life as I knew it has changed and it's scares the shi! out of me. I need this site because it's the only place where I can say what I want and upload all my feelings. Everyone has been very supportive and I love everyones point of view. Thanks for listening!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to know that how I feel is normal and not to be made to feel guilty about our choice of nc right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

LJ1122,

It's going to take some time...I'm almost 19 months into recovery, but due to the nature of my H's infidelity, I tended to recover quicker, but we all recover in different ways and different time schedule. Counseling helped me immensely as did some books and being on an anti-depressant.

No one should make you feel guilty about OC or contact or no contact. I made up my mind to give my Husband a year to work things out or I was going to leave him when my son got older. I advise you to take some time to get yourself together, to heal and to make rational decisions about what you can or cannot handle. I happen to know myself very well and knew what I was capable of.

While waiting for the DNA test results to come in, I talked long and at length with Mr."T" writing down the pro's and con's of contact and searching for what he wanted out of the whole situation so I could make the right decisions for myself and my four children of the home.

I was extremely angry at OW, my Husband and yes, the OC in the beginning. I believe that is normal. As I calmed down, I realized it was the stupidity of her parents, and not the child's fault. I even feel sorry for the child, but I'm not in the campaign to save her or the world.

My husband does not want contact and would rather her step-father adopt the child. Not to get out of our financial responsiblity, but because we know that our being in her life is not best for her or for our marriage or for the upset that OW would do to the household and our bi-polar child in particular.

Alot of our decisions were based on the stalkings and irrational things that OW did before, we know OW's history so we knew that it would not work. I honestly believe that Mr."T" signing sole care and custody over(not to be confused with signing away his rights) to Ex-ow woke her up and she moved on with her life and got married 7 months later.

We honestly don't know what the future will hold with our OC. We do have a tentative plan of action should the OC show up as a teen/woman/adult. We do plan to tell her the truth from our point of view and we really cannot predict at this point where it will go from there. I'm just glad her mother moved on with her life.

When you feel you got yourself to a position where you think you can make an informed decision about OC, then you will know what is best for you...contact or no contact. There is no right or wrong and only you and your H know the state of your marriage and how you want to proceed from there. What works best for you, may not work for me or anyone else on this board...just like my OC was conceived out of three quickies, there are other OC's who were conceived over a long period of time between the parents...there are many factors involved here.

I have found that when you take the time, and get counseling, you can explore all options and then make a policy of joint agreement, you and your H have to be 100% in agreement and you will be at peace with your decision.

I do know what it's like to be "questioned" for our choice of no contact...even by my H's own family...they never say it to him, they say it to me and like to console themselves with the thought that I'm the meany greeny who kept H from his child...not true...and H set his family straight about it...so he's the big, bad guy...I'm just the "fool" to stay with him...(isn't his family wonderful????!!!???!!!)

You are going to have to get a thick skin in order to deal with this. Unless someone walks a mile in our shoes they will never understand. If you know truly in your heart what you can or cannot do with OC, then stick to it. It doesn't matter what people say. You know what is best for your family. That can include contact or no contact...but that's up to you and your H.

I think as a mother, we feel guilt anyway...like we think we can take on the world and save it and the people in them at times. I felt guilt in the beginning with my choices too, but as time and my rationale begin to return, thanks to the anti-depressant, I was able to see all sides and know that we did the best we could for our marriage and our children as well as OC. We have our reasons and we feel they are valid.

I wholeheartedly support whatever works best for whoevers situation...again, no one size fits all.

It will take time...it will be all right...things do improve...(no one could have convinced me of that way back in the beginning) continue to share, don't be afraid to share, we are here for you.

It's frustrating, draining, and emotional at times too...but it will pass...the triggers get further and further apart and it will work out.

Please continue to post...we are here for you whatever you decide...

Don't put too much guilt on yourself...you didn't do anything wrong...

Hugs,
Twiisty

lj,

I must echo what Twiisty said. The issue of c/nc is not one size fits all.

So very much depends on the circumstances of the affair, the condition of the marriage/marital family and the adults involved.

Although I am one of the lucky ones who received a "get out of jail free card" via DNA testing, I lived with the "fact" of my H having a child by his OW.

We traveled the road of contact. And I am glad we did. It allowed my H to really come to grips with how he wanted to handle "HIS" child. I knew he could never say, "you kept me from my child."

The contact road is not an easy one to travel. My heart tore to pieces every time I came in contact with that baby, everytime I heard her mother's voice, saw her number on the caller I.D., & did without money to pay child support. For me it was like re-living d-day over and over again. Perhaps it would have lessened with time. At the moment I didn't think so, but I never thought I could fall in love with my husband again, and look where I am today!

Never say never.

Most of the unsuccessful stories of no contact on this board are due to the fact that the OW doesn't have good intentions. They are either upset they can't have MM and use the child as a pawn to cause hurt and chaos or they want the MM back and continue to solict the MM (like mine did.)

Rarely we get a glimpse at vistiation that turns out successful for the marriage and the OC. Those situations are truely blessings and give hope to those who's hearts are big enough to receive the OC. Lord knows I tried.

But like Twiisty said, it's so important to take care of you and your marriage right now. By doing that you give yourself a leg up which ever way you go. And if you do ever choose visitation it will only go smoother with you and H on the same page and both of you in a healthier and happier relationship.

God Bless and Good luck,
Z.

I wanted to also let you know that your feelings are quite normal. I am 2 1/2 years post D-Day, and we decided on no contact. Although my H had the DNA done right away, as I felt we shouldn't be paying child support just on her word, he was 100% sure it was his right from the get go.
Ultimately the decision for no contact was his. I told him I would not allow him to say to me in 18 years, (or if/when this child would seek him out), that he made the decision for me. He did ask my opinion, and I did give it, but never said that I would leave if he chose to have contact. His words to me upon making the decision were..."that our family is my first priority". (Well h#ll, don't you think it should have been from the beginning?!?)
Our OW is really non-existant, so to speak. She has made little effort to contact him. Only to let me know of the affair via sending me the court papers, a few packets of pictures during the first 6 months, one phone call a year later cuz his payment was 15 days late, and a recent one for a change of address. She does not contact us for any other reason, has never stalked, or acted against him/us. For that I am relieved b/c I hear such horror stories. But b/c she was so quiet with us, "she" had nothing to do with our decision.
Anyway, I never felt "guilty" about the no contact. I felt bad for the child, but must admit was relieved at the fact that I would not have to deal with a physical reminder of the affair every week or so. My H is a wonderful father, and I do feel sorry that the baby won't know him, but he could never devote the time needed to be a father to the baby. My wish also is that this child is adopted if she ever marries.

I wanted to let you know that your feelings are real, they are normal, and they can change, or they may not. I have to admit that my first thought upon discovery was that if he found out this baby was abused or neglected we could take him in, but in reality I knew I could not deal with that. I still wouldn't be able to.
The only advise that I would like to offer that you haven't yet heard is...please do not try to look into the future, and try to anticipate what you will feel like if...the baby is his, if he wants contact, if he choses no and then the child may come looking for him later in life. Deal with what is on your plate right now. Thats an awful lot anyway, right? Find out if the baby is his. THAT would be my first step, then deal with the decisions. I can elaborate more on what I told him about my feelings, but only if you want me to, and probably not in public on the board, as it was a personal thought process for me.

God Bless
NGU

lj,
When I first found out about the affair..., then the pregnancy.., than "their" child born with Down's syndrome, I had a violent physical reaction. I screamed, raged, sobbed, let snot run down my face, and vomited! The feelings have come less often over time, but I still have moments when it takes my breath away and feels like someone punched me in the gut! I support what others have said here. Only you can decide what is ultimately best for you. Our stories here offer ideas about how others of us are trying to deal with the "opportunities" our WS's dropped into our lives. I have alot more questions than answers, but this board has been a lifesaver in helping me not feel so crazy! Do what you need to do, say,and feel, and know that others are thinking and caring about you. Your's is a very fresh, raw wound. Be gentle with yourself.