I see you lurk this site all the time but never post. I know Glory B is down for repairs and I was wondering if you are here to monitor our conversations or if you are just curious about what we discuss over here for a better understanding. Just curious what you gain (if anything) from lurking here.

I've been uncomfortable with seeing your name listed under recent visitors so I looked up your bio and read your one post and see that you are kind and non-combative. I also appreciate that you come here without disguising yourself. Thanks.

Catnip =^^=

How can you tell who's visiting? I clicked on recent visitors if seems to give memebers name.

Wow. I feel exposed. lol
I never knew that you could tell who lurked. And yes, I lurk as "myself" and have also posted as myself. I have nothing to hide. I'm a moderator at the children & affairs board, because I'm a mother of an OC. I started lurking here a couple of years ago, believe it or not. I feel as though I "know" a lot of you (not to sound wierd, but you read for a while, and you see what goes on in people's lives). I felt for the woman who's neice was born with some problems, and sometimes I'd check just to see how that baby was doing. But originally? To gain better understanding of "the other side" so to speak. Maybe to try and understand why there is NC with my son's father, understand what his wife is like - and maybe have an inkling about what she's been through. As much hell as I've been through, I can only imagine what it's been like for her. What have I gotten out of lurking? The realization that for the most part, we're all just people. With real lives, and no matter which side we're on - we're all after the same thing. Better lives for ourselves and our kids, and maybe a little peace in our lives. I haven't posted over here with the exception of one time because I was asking for peace between the two boards. I feel that this is not "my" place to post, just like I feel that for most women here, gloryb is not "their" place. Everyone needs a safe haven, and I respect that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What have I gotten out of lurking? The realization that for the most part, we're all just people. With real lives, and no matter which side we're on - we're all after the same thing. Better lives for ourselves and our kids, and maybe a little peace in our lives. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

From a BS point of veiw I don't feel I'm after the same thing as you, not judgeing just voicing my opinion.

From my opinion OW want a life with our H I don't want a life with no one that you are affiliated with. I would respect your relationship at all cost. I wouldn't come in to dismember your family at the expense of my own happiness.

So I would have to beg the difference with you on that issue unless you agree to leaving our H alone and raising your son as you see fit.

Not using your son as a tool of manipulation understanding the POJA that's between H and I all decison made are soley H and our decision and not yours. Then if we agree that you would stay out of our lives, and leave us alone. If you agree then yes we want the same thing that depends on what happiness is for you.

Not being disrespectful or anything of that nature. I have a question I would like to ask whats your fixation on Om wife. NC is best because it keeps down the confusion and keep the possibilty of another A and OC popping up.

Following these principal will insure no more conflict with OP I'm not there yet but we do have people here that are there does MM man wife post here.

I don't think you can even begin to feel my pain
as I speak. Maybe not OW but OC will always be a black mark in my marriage as someone quoted
this will be an every constant reminder of what I've gone through thank God. I don't have to see OC thank God.

No hard felings just being honest are you still seeing OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Joshmom
What have I gotten out of lurking? The realization that for the most part, we're all just people. With real lives, and no matter which side we're on - we're all after the same thing. Better lives for ourselves and our kids, and maybe a little peace in our lives. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[/b]]

From a BS point of veiw I don't feel I'm after the same thing as you, not judgeing just voicing my opinion.

From my opinion OW want a life with our H I don't want a life with no one that you are affiliated with. I would respect your relationship at all cost. I wouldn't come in to dismember your family at the expense of my own happiness.

So I would have to beg the difference with you on that issue unless you agree to leaving our H alone and raising your son as you see fit.

Not using your son as a tool of manipulation understanding the POJA that's between H and I all decison made are soley H and our decision and not yours. Then if we agree that you would stay out of our lives, and leave us alone. If you agree then yes we want the same thing that depends on what happiness is for you.

Not being disrespectful or anything of that nature. I have a question I would like to ask whats your fixation on Om wife. NC is best because it keeps down the confusion and keep the possibilty of another A and OC popping up.

Following these principal will insure no more conflict with OP I'm not there yet but we do have people here that are there does MM man wife post here.

I don't think you can even begin to feel my pain
as I speak. Maybe not OW but OC will always be a black mark in my marriage as someone quoted
this will be an every constant reminder of what I've gone through thank God. I don't have to see OC thank God.

No hard felings just being honest are you still seeing OM?

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

MALC: From a BS point of veiw I don't feel I'm after the same thing as you, not judgeing just voicing my opinion.

[JM]You're not just trying to live your life the best you can? That's all I'm trying to do.

MALC: From my opinion OW want a life with our H I don't want a life with no one that you are affiliated with. I would respect your relationship at all cost. I wouldn't come in to dismember your family at the expense of my own happiness.

[JM] I don't want a life with anyone's H (Except my own if I ever get married). Some women do - I'm not one of them.. I never set out to dismember anyone's family. And my own happiness has been compromised, believe me.

MALC: So I would have to beg the difference with you on that issue unless you agree to leaving our H alone and raising your son as you see fit.

[JM] Which is exactly what I'm doing. Raising my son alone. NC with xMM. (notice the x there?)

MALC: Not using your son as a tool of manipulation understanding the POJA that's between H and I all decison made are soley H and our decision and not yours. Then if we agree that you would stay out of our lives, and leave us alone. If you agree then yes we want the same thing that depends on what happiness is for you.

[JM] I would NEVER use my son as any kind of manipulation factor. He is innocent in all of this. I have left xMM and his W alone, the only contact I have is questions about insurance and that may be once a year? Happiness for me has been moving on with my life, getting past a mistake that I made in my life, and making the best of the situation that I'm left with. Being a single parent of a wonderful, smart, beautiful 6 year old boy.

MALC: Not being disrespectful or anything of that nature. I have a question I would like to ask whats your fixation on Om wife. NC is best because it keeps down the confusion and keep the possibilty of another A and OC popping up.

[JM] No disrespect taken. I'm not fixated on xMM's wife. I came here to lurk because I felt GUILTY for my part in all of it, and wanted some insight.

MALC: Following these principal will insure no more conflict with OP I'm not there yet but we do have people here that are there does MM man wife post here.

[JM]Well, I don't think that xMM's wife posts here, but I could be wrong. I've also seen some that come here just to inflame and what they can do. It's not pretty, it's not fair, and like I said - this is YOUR "safe haven" and it should stay that way. I've also seen OW that come and post here, and they are accepted, or tolerated.

MALC: I don't think you can even begin to feel my pain as I speak. Maybe not OW but OC will always be a black mark in my marriage as someone quoted this will be an every constant reminder of what I've gone through thank God. I don't have to see OC thank God.

[JM] I know that I can never begin to feel your pain - I think I said that I couldn't imagine it.

MALC: No hard felings just being honest are you still seeing OM?

[JM] Absolutely not. I haven't seen him in over 2 years, the affair was over 5 years ago. I think that the man is below pond scum level. I thank God that I got away from him, and that I could move on with my life away from him, and without him in it.

I will say this - I think that his W blames me more than him - for whatever reasons. He is a serial cheater, with 2 OC's with 2 OW. I will never understand why they have stayed together, but love is funny sometimes, I guess.
I DO think that he is scum for not seeing his child, because he was in his life for the first year. (but at this point - I don't think that he'd be the best influence, either, so I'm thankful for NC). I gave him EVERY option to walk away (even when I found out I was pg), and he didn't. I also told him that if he decided to be in my son's life and then turned around and walked out I would never forgive him. He walked away. His W found out, and apparently NC was part of the deal for him staying in the house.
I think that we all have made mistakes in our lives - I just have proof of mine. And in no way/shape/form do I consider my son a mistake. He came into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to give my mother some pleasure in the last 2 years of her life. Maybe it's some greater reason, who knows. But I was on BC when I got pg. I couldn't have an abortion. And when xMM suggested putting him up for adoption, I told him to cut off his right arm first, THEN come and ask me to do that. We talked about having kids together. And then, when my son was almost a year old - had the audacity to ask me if I'd change his last name to his if we got married. When he was still in the home. His W found out a couple of weeks after that. Funny how that never came up again.

Feel free to ask questions - I will answer them as honestly as I can.

Well Thanks for being as honest as you can. If what you say is true NC with MM and you are out of his life then yes I commend you for you stance .

I know some OW here the hair is standing straight up on there back LOL

I believe you are well on your way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[JM]You're not just trying to live your life the best you can? That's all I'm trying to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

what did you mean by this statement?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MALC:
<strong>Well Thanks for being as honest as you can. If what you say is true NC with MM and you are out of his life then yes I commend you for you stance .
[JM] Believe me there is NO CONTACT. I don't WANT contact with him at this point.

I believe you are well on your way.
[JM] Thanks. I'm trying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[JM]You're not just trying to live your life the best you can? That's all I'm trying to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

what did you mean by this statement?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[JM] It was in answer to your statement From a BS point of veiw I don't feel I'm after the same thing as you, not judgeing just voicing my opinion.
Nothing more.

edited only to fix the bold - I forgot the 2nd b!

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: JoshMom ]</small>

Joshmom,

I wanted to 2nd Catnip's post to you.

I, too, had felt a little uncomfortable knowing that you were lurking so much. But, I have to say that I find your posts very respectful and compassionate.

Thank you for your understanding.

May you learn what you need to continue to better yourself and find the peace you want in your life.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MALC,
There are other former OW's here on our board that are just as respectful of our pain as Joshmom has been. Ohbratti1 and BTDT just to mention a few.
These ladies are precious gems and I am very glad they are here. They have come out of the situations that gave them the OW stigma and yet, are much wiser than they have ever been and are happy to pass along a little of their wisdom to us.
Joshmom has come here to learn... just as you have, maybe not the same things but the same principles.
I feel that seeking knowledge and having a place to find it is imperative to LEARNING.
We are all here seeking knowledge... and support.

If you would like to chat sometime, just let me know... I use AIM, yahoo and MSN (I can be a regular chat nut... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Hugs to both of you!

sorry if I sounded preachy... didn't mean to ... *hangs head*

Hugs to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stacia_Lee:
<strong>I, too, had felt a little uncomfortable knowing that you were lurking so much. But, I have to say that I find your posts very respectful and compassionate. Thank you for your understanding. May you learn what you need to continue to better yourself and find the peace you want in your life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Stacia. Love the name, btw - my cousin just had a baby and named her Stacia. Thank you. I have a policy - treat others as you would like to be treated. Obviously this wasn't always my policy. I've learned from my mistakes, though, and hope that I can be a better person in spite of them, and because of them. I'm working on peace in my life, but with a 6 year old - with ADHD to boot - it's not easy.
Happy anniversary, too! Many many more to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you!!!!

I am stepmom to a Josh too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
He also has ADHD, but he is soon to be 18!!!

I pray you don't have the trouble we have had recently.

*sigh* you still have a few years to go..
Ah... to go back and start again... LOL

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

I just wanted to pipe in and let everyone know I have had an encounter with Joshmom.

She was awesome and very very helpful in squashing a potentially explosive situation between a gloryb poster here who was quite disrespectful and a MB poster who was over there being equally disrespectful.

She is definately a sound voice of reason over there and I can respect how she always respect all parties in the horrid situations we find ourselves in.

I personally welcome her to our board. She rings with the same tones of our resident and beloved xOW (Obratti1, BTDT and JTigger).

Joshmom, great to see you and hope your home is up and running soon. I'm sure your members are getting anxious during the wait.

Keep your sound sense of self going strong and I hope you can help some of the OW on your board reach the level of understanding and healing you have.

Peace to you and yours,
Z.

(i too would love to chat if you so wish. If you like you can get my email from our moderator. My aol handle is the same as my email addy.)

MALC

I understand you are in crisis right now and feel the need to "beat up" on Ow's, but this was my post to Joshmom and I would appreciate it if you would play nice.

Joshmom

Thanks for your kind repsonse. I have seen you so often on the boards that I just had to ask, to find out why you do come here. Now I have your very valid answer and I do appreciate that this site has offered your some insight to help you in your search for understanding.

I lurked at GloryB a couple times but found so many of the members there spending most of their time trying to figure out how to get more money from XMM or cheering each other on when they emptied the pockets, it was very upsetting for me, so I stay away.

I want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty and your friendly demeanor.

Happy lurking.

Catnip =^^=

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catnip:
[QB]MALC

I understand you are in crisis right now and feel the need to "beat up" on Ow's, but this was my post to Joshmom and I would appreciate it if you would play nice.

Catnip - I didn't take any of MALC's questions to be bad. She's curious, she's in a position where she has the opportunity to ask the "other side" a question, and I'll answer as honestly as I can. I took no offense at any of her questions.

Thanks for your kind repsonse. I have seen you so often on the boards that I just had to ask, to find out why you do come here. Now I have your very valid answer and I do appreciate that this site has offered your some insight to help you in your search for understanding.

Thank you for your kind welcome. The site has offered some insight, and I can see that it's helped so many of you through a horrible time in your lives. There were times that I wish I could have sent xMM's a link to the boards, but then I wouldn't want to read her story, just as I'm sure she wouldn't want to read mine. It's would have been too close and too much of an invasion or privacy.

I lurked at GloryB a couple times but found so many of the members there spending most of their time trying to figure out how to get more money from XMM or cheering each other on when they emptied the pockets, it was very upsetting for me, so I stay away.

Well, there are some people that are like that, but there are also some stories that would make your hair stand on end with things that MM has told them, promised them, etc. I stay neutral, and don't judge anyone. It's not my place.

I want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty and your friendly demeanor.

Thank YOU for welcoming me, I guess. And now that you've "outed" me, I may do more than just lurk!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zebrababy:
<strong>I just wanted to pipe in and let everyone know I have had an encounter with Joshmom.

She is definately a sound voice of reason over there and I can respect how she always respect all parties in the horrid situations we find ourselves in.

I personally welcome her to our board. She rings with the same tones of our resident and beloved xOW (Obratti1, BTDT and JTigger).
Joshmom, great to see you and hope your home is up and running soon. I'm sure your members are getting anxious during the wait.
Keep your sound sense of self going strong and I hope you can help some of the OW on your board reach the level of understanding and healing you have.

Peace to you and yours,
Z.

(i too would love to chat if you so wish. If you like you can get my email from our moderator. My aol handle is the same as my email addy.)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zebra - thank YOU - I'm more than happy to stick around, or just lurk in the shadows. Gloryb is back up and running now. And I feel like the bus monitor sometimes, but it's good to be able to help anyone in the same situation. I hate to see it happen to anyone, but the reality of it is that it does. And my email is Joshmom1965@yahoo.com - feel free to drop a line, and I'll give you my AIM. I've posted my email on the boards, so it's not anything that I need to worry about anyone seeing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Happy Monday..

Dear JoshMom,

I also appreciate your gracious and understanding way of presenting yourself to this board.

I am the woman whose niece was born so ill. I was touched to know that you were looking in on us. She is doing very much better after nearly dying two months ago. Her life now looks like it is going to be no worse/no better than other children with Cystic Fibrosis.

I don't know if you plan to hang out here but welcome if you are staying,
MJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MaryJanes:
<strong>Dear JoshMom,

I also appreciate your gracious and understanding way of presenting yourself to this board.

I am the woman whose niece was born so ill. I was touched to know that you were looking in on us. She is doing very much better after nearly dying two months ago. Her life now looks like it is going to be no worse/no better than other children with Cystic Fibrosis.

I don't know if you plan to hang out here but welcome if you are staying,
MJ</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks MaryJanes - I'm so glad that she's doing much better! I have a friend who's son has CF, and I know that it's not easy. And I'd like to thank you - you posted something that I copied and sent to a friend - about your "story" and when you found out about your bio. father, etc. It really touched me - and I sent it to a friend who's D thinks that her H is her bio dad, and he's not. It's a long sordid tale, but eventually she's going to have to tell her, and I wanted her to have the POV of someone who'd been there. I took your name, etc. and the board name off and sent it to her. Gave her something to think about.
And thanks for the welcome!

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: JoshMom ]</small>

MALC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand you are in crisis right now and feel the need to "beat up" on Ow's, but this was my post to Joshmom and I would appreciate it if you would play nice </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Well what did you do? wake up on the wrong side of the bed??

All due respect, I was being nice. I had a few question and she provided me with the answers.
I don't like beating up on OW. I call it heathy dialog as long as no one is disrespecting people.

What ever someone put out to me, I give back in the same order nothing more nothing less.

So just like you wanted to know why she's lurking I also had the right to ask her a question or maybe you didn't want me asking the question on your post is that the problem?

I don't feel the need to beat up on OM as you put it, that I don't like. We all go through things from time to time, I don't make excuses or use my situation to attack people, Some are just honest enough to admitt when they are going through. There are some that aren't maybe because there are some imature people who have a tendecy to attemp to rub your situation in your face . Thanks for the concern. What ever I'm going through I will not allow no one to talk to me in a particular way that includes everyone.

Not being disrespectful just being honest.I welcome any help I can get. But please don't use my siuation or anyone else situation for that matter to throw stones not saying you Catnip in paricular just making a statement.

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 03:04 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>