I think I'm going crazy!! My wife and I have separated - she moved out officially yesterday (1 March) into a rented house. Yet, just Sunday night (27 March) (2 nights earlier) we spent the night together and made wonderful love. It was incredible.. and then the next morning when she was leaving to go to a counseling appointment, she said she loved me. Yet, today - after her first night at her new place, she called me this morning, in a bad mood, and basically not happy with me at all. I helped her move stuff into her place, and helped set up the bed and stuff. She says this morning that I am showing too much affection, and that I needed to stop it. I find it very difficult to not show her I love her.. It comes naturally to me to want to protect, nurture and comfort her.. How else is she going to have any positive input from me, if I simply never see her or touch her or tell her I love her?? It does confuse me that she can be with me in such an emotional way, and then turn around and tell me that I'm not paying enough of the financial obligations for her, that I'm not taking on enough responsiblities for our animals, and that I'm showing her too much affection. I feel I have bent over backwards trying to accomodate her needs to be apart - hoping that it will lead us back together. I have shouldered the lion share of the finances, have told her I would do whatever she wanted as far as the animals are concerned, and now this morning I told her I would stop showing any affection towards her. YIKES!! What's going on here???? I'm so confused.... How am I supposed to deal with her and her needs, and yet still try to put our marriage in the best position to "hopefully" revive??

IMHO - If she wants space and you give it to her you are showing her that you love her.

BB

Hmmm.. I understand what you're saying.. and I agree.. I guess.. and that is now what I'm trying to do... Hopefully the distance (space) will help her to miss me, or maybe wake her up and help her to "want" to work on our marriage.. It's really tough though.. I'm going to go out tomorrow and buy the His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters.. Hopefully she'll read them.. Do you actually think she'll see "me giving her space" as a sign of Love?? Again, to me - it seems that the more distance or lack of interaction you would have with someone, the less you would desire to be with them.. I feel I am at an unfair disadvantage with all the other men out there that are allowed to compliment her, and supply her Emotional Needs. I guess - I can't do anything about it anyway.. I can only be the best me I can be.. but that doesn't make it any less painful...:-(

Boy,I thought I was the only one with this problem. My H is having an affair, I caught him at a restaurant last week, holding hands with the OW at the table. They tried the whole, "we're just really good friends", but I saw the look on his face before he realized I was standing there. Anyway, we came home and he said he wanted to work on our marriage. He works with the OW, so she was out the next day and he came home, as usual, and things were strained between us but we were trying. The next day, he didn't come home from work on time, and when I called him he said he was out with the OW, and he was trying to make sure the events from the week (me catching them), didn't ruin their friendship. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??? So, he finally came home and we talked (not much, as he won't allow me to discuss this because if I do, I'm interrogating him and he said he can't stand that). To the point, he won't let me touch him! He won't let me show him ANY type of affection whatsoever!! It's almost as if he feels by being with me, he's cheating on the OW. I have been trying to be positive and not harrass him even though he keeps lying to me saying that he wants to work on our marriage, but each time he says that, I try to make sure we are both on the same page, i.e. we both understand what working on our marriage means. But he gets angry and says he can't take the abuse (what he calls the Spanish Inquisition). What he doesn't seem to understand is that my intuitions and purpose for interrogation has been justified. HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!! But he has no remorse and treats me terribly as if everything is my fault. I know in my heart he is not going to stop, regardless of what he says, but I have to wait and see and not doom our marriage needlessly. I'm so hurt that he not only WON'T return my affection, he won't even allow me to show HIM. But he was totally at ease, allowing the OW to hold his hands in public. As you can see, I don't have an answer for you, I only have a shoulder as I am in the same place.

Steinla13... I'm sorry to hear about your situation.. Please turn to God for your strength, because you are going to need it.. As you can see from reading items on this site, and in his books, when there is an affair in the mix, and the spouse won't commit to working on the marriage by breaking it off - then there is very little chance of successfully saving the marriage.. You can not save it by yourself, although I'm very impressed by your desire to, even after witnessing the betrayal he has done.. You must be having serious "trust" issues with him at this point, and you may question that in the future as well..
Don't blame yourself.. He is his own person, and he must make his own decisions.. The only thing I can suggest is to try to get him to read up on the subject, so that maybe he realizes what he is doing - before it is too late.. If he could read His Needs/Her Needs and Lovebusters, then I think you would see him change his tune.. but if he is as defensive as you say, and he won't cooperate at all - then there is not much you can do, except work on yourself... and again - do not blame yourself.. If your marriage ends - it is not your fault. You are at the ready trying to work on it... You can only do what you can do... God bless, and good luck.