I am just trying to think, it is abuse or it is not. My H can go a few days with being super nice to both me and the children, but then sometimes I hate to lisen to him. He really lays it in the children at times, curseing at them calling them names, and with me sometimes calling me a lier or telling me that I am full of bull****. He sometimes gets upset at what I consider small things, but when I try to tell him he tells me the children need to be told or that I am going asginst him again in front og the children, or every woman cries abuse so their H looks bad.I have been thinking of leaving, but just don't know how to go about it or if I really have reasons to leave. I am just soooo confused.

I'm sorry that you are you children are going throught this. I do consider that verbal and emotional abuse. As a human beign we do have feelings and and when they get hurt over and over like in your situation I do consider that to be abuse (especially the kids)... I would suggest to try talking to him and telling him what is going on. Try going to a counselor so that way there can be a person to be in the middle and keep balance of everything. Sometimes if works better if someone else confronts him... Maybe you should try even leaving for a week, so that he can realize what he is doing...

If I leave I feel as if I may not want to come back, this has been an on going thing with us from the day I got involved with him. I did leave him once before, but it was very bad then, ever kind of abuse you can name. We did back together and I thought things where going great, but I guess as the years went on and I got myself a job (where I have the best of friends telling me how great I am and that I can do anything, female freinds that is)I have gained some confedence in myself I never had before. So really things are not that bad, just that now in this stage of life for me and the children I want the best, is that wrong to ask. He really don't see that it is abuse, but then again, he never really did even when I had the marks to show, it was always I asked for it.

I think that if the abuse is really that bad that you should leave. Honestly, because noone deserves to live with an abusive spouse. Try first to get couseling and professional help and if that doesn't help then you should really cosider leaving or having him leave.

It is not wrong at all to feel that you want the best in this stage of your life. He needs professional help is he fails to realize the harm that he is doing. I wish you the best because noone deserves to live like this. Hang in there

Please find a support group. Sojourn is one such group. Your H's abuse has shifted from obvious physical (leaving marks) to verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse, including to your children. It's your job to protect them.

Verbal abuse, mental cruelty, criticism that is not constructive but designed to undercut self-confidence, is more harmful than physical abuse to children. The pain will affect how they live their lives. Your H is trying to convince you that you deserve ill treatment, that you have it coming. You don't. Your children don't.

Lisa, What you described is absolutly abuse! He needs to go to anger management class.
Please be careful, a lot of times the abuser gets worse when he is confronted. Have someone else involved who can mediate.
It is up to you to protect your kids now and protect their future. You have to break the cycle of abuse. Your kids are learning from their parents. I was once in a shelter for abused women. My child was only a year old, but I saw other kids there as young as 2 displaying violent behavior. It was amazing. The boys acted out the abuser role and the little girls acted out the victim role. Save yourself and your kids. This site is full of caring, supportive people. Keep connected and let them help you.
M

It's abuse. Everyone here gave you good advice. If you still aren't convinced, check out The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. There is a checklist near the beginning you can look at and see then maybe that will help make it more "real" for you. Emotional and psychological abuse are types of real abuse and almost everyone I know says they are actually worse than physical abuse. And, it isn't limited to name calling, but also manipulation, coercion, mind games, and other ways of putting you down that may not be obvious to the observer. There are basically overt and covert types and name calling is overt, everyone who hears it can recognize it for what it is. But a lot of times, the abuser uses covert tactics and it may be that you are the only one who realizes what they are doing. That book will help you recognize and distinguish it. If you are afraid, start calling shelters. Abusers often start out with emotional then become physically abusive and the most dangerous situation for a woman is when she tries to leave. The shelter in my community is run by the YWCA so, if you have that there, I would call them, talk to some people. They have wonderful resources for counseling, support groups, etc. And if you get to a point where you leave and if you decide to go into shelter, there are things in place that help you get on your own two feet. Just know that whatever you do, you don't have to do it alone, even if it feels like you are along. Good luck and bless you.