I've noticed the mythos thread and the men who answered.

The advice is pretty much the same any where you look.

Keep OP's out of the marriage at any costs. If the marriage is to survive.

Doesn't seem to matter if it's ow or om.

I feel if it wasn't there to start with it can't be healthy to keep it there for the rest of your lives together...tooo much past and pain, eh?

However it seems if it's a man bs, he has a lot more to overcome.
Is it because men are supposed to be stronger than women? Or simply that when you love someone and can totally erase op from your life and resume together, alone again, that you can succeed?

Just a thought.
love
Debi

Hi Gem:

I'm not quite sure what you are asking but I think you mean that men are more able to accept OC as their own as long as OM is out of the picture while women Betrayeds are hard pressed to have contact with OC because XOW comes with the package.

I have always believed that it is simply because OM's usually drop out of sight forever leaving the child to the care of the WW and her H, which ultimately allows the WW and H to raise the child as their own and their family without outside interference. It gives the child more stability and the marriage a chance at real recovery. These guys who have this capability (to raise the OC's as their own children) are amazing men...

Am I way off base here or is this what you meant?

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Yes, same advice--no contact between the WS & OP. BS is the middle-man, contact person for OP/OC dropoffs at a neutral location. WS rebuilds trust through a policy of Radical Honesty. BS works on overcoming resentment. Meet ENs and avoid LBs. Yep, it's the same regardless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Catnip, you wrote,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have always believed that it is simply because OM's usually drop out of sight forever leaving the child to the care of the WW and her H, which ultimately allows the WW and H to raise the child as their own and their family without outside interference. It gives the child more stability and the marriage a chance at real recovery. These guys who have this capability are amazing men... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my situation exactly. But I'm having trouble thinking of my OM as an amazing man. I know what you are saying - its because he's giving up his right to his child for the betterment of the situation. But I can't help but think he's getting off scott free. That he's secretly kicking up his heels that he got off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Yes, he's got his marriage to fix, but he had that before. He's no worse off than he was before the affair. Unless he feels guilt about the situation, I guess.

I just recently saw the movie, "Riding in Cars with Boys." Towards the end of the movie the woman seeks out her ex-husband for a legal reason. The X-H is then face-to-face with their child - now a young man - that he gave up years ago. The X-H says that he likes to think he had something to do with how good the young man turned out, even if it was just because he stayed away.

I guess that's what you're driving at. But I can't help but think that its really not so hard for them to stay away and that they're just taking the easy road and not the high road.

You may ask, what is he supposed to do, then? And I guess I don't really know. I guess try to make amends somehow - whether it be an apology (as we are discussing on the other thread) or an offer of support of some kind. I don't know. But something....

I meant your HUSBAND is an amazing man for taking in your child and raising it as his own...NOT the OM.

Catnip,

Gotcha! And to that I wholeheartedly agree!

The OM can be considered an "amazing" man too---if he is selflessly stepping out of his child's life that he would desperately want to be in to allow the husband to raise the child as his own.

And he may be the lowest form of pond scum in that he's giggling about knocking up a woman and getting off scot free, without a care in the world.

Or, most likely---he falls into that category between the two, which we normally regard as "human". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regardless of the motivation of the OM, the marriage surely benefits if he can stay out of the picture. Don't worry about the motivation---concern yourself with the situation.

K,Om in your situation and most of these situations that stay away are taking the high road.

I just wondered, from the other side, if recovery is harder with oc there daily.

I've read how YOU feel about your D and it's probably because w/o op around, it's just easier to go back to being married to your w. No hassels to deal with. Just decisions made together w/o op's interference.

That's the difference. Women M and pregnant can recover better with a committed H. If H wants op out of the picture and it's agreed upon it makes recovery better.

BS who want recovery w/o op are frowned on because of oc. There is a big difference. Bs gets blame from ow that dad isn't in oc's life. That bs forced this. In actuality it's MM who desperatly wants "old life" back. My H backed off visits for our own good. Ow was unreasonable when it came to me.

Now when we talk about it, we find it's the best thing we could have done. H was unselfish, he allowed ow's H a chance, but ow didn't take it.
That's between them.

The bitterness ow's other c's have towards H also would have continued to add salt to their wounds w/us showing up to visit.

Ow wanted H to come alone, did not agree to 3rd party, and basically had lawyer write up a schedule that was impossible to follow.

My H already almost killed me with what he'd done. He made a decision to stop all the crap and simply cut that part of his life away. It was delaying us in recovery. He also truly wished her and h would stay together to raise all of their c's.

It wasn't a hard decision when you think about all the fluff surrounding it.

Visit... that just sounds crazy....VISIT your child?

Debi

Noplacelikehome, perhaps you need to think of it this way. If your OM stays away, and permits you and H to stay married without his interference and all, he is doing something for your child. It may in fact be in the best interest of the child to have one daddy who is truly there for him/her, rather than this confusing situation all around.

Could you not think of what is best for the child, rather than worrying about if he is getting consequenes for his behavior?

After all, you still have a marriage with all this. That is a fortunate consequence for you as well.

Unhappy Wife,

You are right. I guess I just have a lot of anger where OM is concerned. No one likes being lied to and taken advantage of. No one likes to have to assume full responsibility for a joint mistake. But, my child's well-being is my top priority, which is why I have made the decisions I have - no contact, stay with H and work on our M. However, it just burns me that OM could go off and do this again to someone else - which he probably will. I feel like if he had a little reminder, such as a monthly child support payment, he might think twice about what he's doing.

Anyway..., thanks for the reality check, all.