First time here - separated a lil' over 6 wks - been long 3 years, tried w/ vis w/ oc @ our house, w/ vis w/ oc @ MIL's w/o me involved, 10yo son never wants to hear oc's name again - in spite of it ending(?) 3 yrs ago - it has only been a bit over a year since he stopped lying about things - my husband doesn't want to listen to anything I say about how hard it is to keep contact, I am asking for on contact w/ oc & ow for a few years, let our family heal, then resume, he say's he can't - yet is able to when he wants (ie didn't see her 4-5 mos when he was starting new store, etc.)

Anyone out there where oc from affair, nasty ow, lot of bad blood, ro's, etc., we split for what we decided would be 6 mos - find ourselves, decide what we can/can't live with - I knew within 2 wks that what I had been trying to tell him for 3 yrs was there - I can't do it, at least not for a few years, if at all - I don't mind him having very minimal contact, but no visitation, no phone calls, etc. - he say's he can't do that - why do I feel as if it is happening all over again? is it just cuz I now realize this isn't going to work? I love that lil' girl - it is just so nauseating - the last thing we did was take her to a park earlier this year - other parents were saying "oh, your lil' girl is so cute" and all I can think of is the lil' girl I will never have, my son hurts, I hurt, we need healing time - what do we do? Any insight out there?

Please read Jenny's thread for Betrayed Newbies...that's you. Read everything you can right here on this site and study the Harley principles and learn to live them. Recovery comes with a Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) between you and your husband...please look it up on this site and come back to this thread after you have studied and feel you understand these things for discussion of how to apply it to your life.

I am so sorry you are here dealing with this awful heartache. We are here for you.

catnip--that was great.

vox, I'm also sorry for your situation. I read your post earlier and didn't know where to begin. Catnip's advice is great. People have survived similar situations using ideas on this site. I hope you read up, and are gentle with yourself, and keep posting! I think your biggest problem right now is not the XOW so much as your H's attitude toward your marriage.

Prayers,
J

Hi Vox,
Its unicornlove70 from the old boards. I was just thinking of how you were. I am not sure if you remember me but I did have ow from hell as well. Last time I talked to you, you said h was moving out that you couldnt take it anymore. I am not sure if he left but I feel bad that things havent gotten better.

We have ended our relationship with OC because it is better for everyone. OW telling OC her dad is a loser, tangling her hair so I would have to detangle her hair not to mention screaming and crying. The phone calls that arent so nice. The digging in our personal information.
We havent seen her since July. I truly miss her, my children do and my husband, but it is best. I look everyday at the thought that its bad that she doesnt have her dad, but it is also bad when you cannot live a peaceful, sane life. So right now with the aggreement of my husband and I we are living peaceful and sane lives within our household. I guess what I am saying is that you and your husband, in order for things to get better, will have to aggree on certain terms concerning OC. Everyone needs healing time. I think you are long overdue. I missed talking to you!Please email me if ever you need to talk!
(Unicorn)-Sonja