I have been married for nearly 7 years. We have 4 children. About 3 years ago one of my husband's family members told me that my husband's dad molested my husband's sister and that the mom knew. Something in my spirit has always struck me as odd about how his whole immediate family relate to one another. And throughout the years I have saw and heard things that don't seem right. My husband refuses to ask anyone and says he has no recollection. After finding out, I never allow my children to spend the night over their grandparents alone. I just cannot take the chance. Whenever, this comes up my husband gets upset and has told me on numerous occassions that I had better watch my children around "him" too. He has went as far as to tell me that he has messed with them too. I do not believe him and have never saw him do anything suspicious with our children. But I told him that if he says this to me again, I will report him to DCFS and have him investigated. Well, he said it to me again last week. I am disgusted and repulsed. He told me that he says this to get under my skin, since I am talking about his Dad. I told him that it is "OUR" responsibility to protect our children until he is comfortable talking about this with his family. He needs to grow up and deal with this issue and stop saying these dispicable things regarding our children. His responsibility to protect our children supersedes his loyalty to his father. I feel like they are all crazy and that I should just divorce him and stay away from all of them. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce? I do not want to fail my children the way, his mom may have done for his sister.

My X used to joke like that and he couldn't understand why it upset me so much. I don't think he would really do it, but was just saying that to get attention from me. It worked I really paid attention. It also lost him custody.

Have you asked your sister inlaw about Grandpa?

I had an uncle who molested all of the girls in our family. He even did it to me in front of everyone and they didn't have a clue it was going on.

I wouldn't let your girls spend the night ever or even let them out of your sight, till this is cleared up.

BB

Personally,

I would take him seriously.

I would have it investigated, even if he says "it was just a joke to get your attention"

How have you reacted to this point? You have not believed him, so what IF he really is telling you the truth??

And He REALLY has been molesting your children
and it's continuing to happen, and your children are not being protected.

Something for you to consider, IF he has been molesting your children, and HE has been honest and told YOU about it (which you have admitted to) the courts CAN also press charges against YOU for allowing continued contact and NOT protecting YOUR children.

There is a case like this going on in our community now--the police are investigating the mother, why? Because she didn't take things said to her seriously, and it's come out that it was TRUE!! She ignored comments made to her, she ignored things she seen, all because she didn't 'believe her husband was telling the truth about his actions" as of now, they haven't pressed charges, but they are investigating and seriously contemplating whether or not to press charges.

I know you don't want to believe your husband is capable of such things--NOBODY does, but chances are he was also molested by his father which is why he doesn't want to address the issue.

Even if you report it as possible based on what he has said, and they investigate it and find it to be false, you have done something to protect your children.

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, he said it to me again last week </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Report him and have him investigated. Most perpetrators were victims themselves. You have no idea how deep this goes, and you cannot be too careful. If he is investigated and cleared, at least it will no longer be a topic brought up for the sake of amusement or anger on his part.

There is NOTHING funny about raping a child. NOTHING.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had an uncle who molested all of the girls in our family. He even did it to me in front of everyone and they didn't have a clue it was going on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My uncle molested me right in front of everyone - well, except for my dad - and no one said anything, either. When it finally blew up, I simply never was allowed by my aunt to stay over night with her again, and it was never mentioned. No one protected me.

Don't be my aunt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this a biblical grounds for divorce? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey, you need to pray about this one. Ask God if He really wants you to stay married to and keep your children in a house with a man that may be violating them so horribly. My guess is you will hear a big booming voice, at least in your head, say, "Do you really have to ask that?!"

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

sunshinehouse,

Please contact the hotline below about your issue.
Child Abuse Hotline

While Marriage Builders cannot become involved in your situation, please know that it is a critical one and should be taken and treated very seriously.

Best Wishes,
Nokomis

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Nokomis ]</small>

I really appreciate all of the replies. They have all given me some direction. I am beginning individual counseling next week and am going to bring a printout of this posting & replies. I will also call the Child Abuse Hotline tommorrow when I have some privacy. I tried to talk to one of my Christian girlfriends about this topic and she has been avoiding me. I think this is just more than she can handle, and I can definitely relate to that. Thank you all so very much.

sunshinehouse,

It's possible she understands the law as well, and knows that IF you tell her he has said something like this--and SHE doesn't report it, she too, could face charges.

And so you know, you asked would God want you to stay married to someone who would something like this to a child.

In the OT, the punishment for this crime was death by stoning. That is how much God hates this.

I'm not sure how old your children are, but you could ask the older children IF anyone has touched them in their private areas. And let them know that IF anyone has, and it's made them feel uncomfortable to let you know. Even if it's you, or daddy if you touch them inadvertantly and it makes them uncomfortable, they need to know they can tell you. They need to know they have some control over who touches their body and who doesn't.


<strong> I really appreciate all of the replies. They have all given me some direction. I am beginning individual counseling next week and am going to bring a printout of this posting & replies. I will also call the Child Abuse Hotline tommorrow when I have some privacy. I tried to talk to one of my Christian girlfriends about this topic and she has been avoiding me. I think this is just more than she can handle, and I can definitely relate to that. Thank you all so very much. </strong>[/QUOTE]

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

This link has some articles you may wish to read through, just to gain some insight.

http://www.crimelibrary.com/criminal_mind/psychology/pedophiles/7.html?sect=19

sunshinehouse,

Should you wish to talk about this off the public boards, I am available via email at takola_mb@hotmail.com

Hugs,
Tak

BTW, this is not in the US, but in France. However, you can see here that there are people in this case facing 3 years in prison for failing to report child sex abuse.

CNN

Sunshine,

WOW! I think you should trust your instincts. However, do realize that if you were to divorce, there would be litigation, I'm sure. If your husband would use this tactic to get under your skin (emotional abuse, btw) what else might he do?

I think it may be best to keep everyone close. No, do not consent to have your children spend the night, but do not necessarily seek divorce either unless you have evidence that something is going on. Otherwise, your husband could say anything and get visitation rights and all. Cover your bases this way, and definitely pray.

Do you have some sort of support structure in real life? What are your associations at church like? Are there people you trust?

~ZP

Fortunately, my oldest son is 10. We have a good relationship and talk frequently. Yesterday, we had another talk about inappropriate touching. He still says like he always has, that no one has every touched him inappropriately. I also told me if there is ever a situation that the feels too uncomfortable talking about he can write me, since we both have a love of writing.

Honey, I hate to tell you this, but I said the same thing. Why? Because the truth threatened my access to those I was emotionally dependent upon and the foundation of my family. So I lied. I hid it. I covered it up.

If there is nothing, an investigation will do nothing but clear names.

My Husband also comes from a family of abuse: sexual, physical, and emotional. I refuse to leave any of our children alone with is family at all. If we run to the store to buy some sodas or snacks you can bet all three of my kids are going with me. Even though my oldest is only 3 1/2 I have already talk to her about that her body is her body, if anyone ever touches her and makes her feel uncomfortable to tell Mommy, etc. They even have books designed for young children to teach them how to say no and how to tell. I want her to know that if anyone ever does anything to her to tell me, that I will believe her no matter who it is, and that I will protect her no matter what. I pray over all my kids and want them to feel safe to come to me for anything.

sunshine,
My ex sexually abuse my daugher at age 3. I didn't believe it and there was no proof at that time. I have a great relatioship with her and she didn't tell me that he abused her from age 7to12 until she was 19 years old. That was the most horrible feeling that I couldn't protect my own child. Believe it. Do something about it.
I will send you positive energy to help get you though this.

Hi there,

I hope you read this and pay close attention, I hope I am not too late to make an impact on your decisions.

I was a victim of abuse, by more than one person, throughout my childhood and I have never really come forward to tell anyone as everyone has now become detached from my life... but, let me make this clear. If this were my fiancee saying these things, I wouldn't even consider the possibility of a joke. It is your job to protect your children. I would get them away from him as soon as possible... and yes, even these jokes are grounds for a divorce. I would also run, not walk, to the nearest child abuse center and demand that he be investigated right away. He doesn't need to explain to you whether he was or was not joking, he can explain to the authorities.

Please, whatever you do... don't just go to councelling and let them tell you that you should wait for your children to bring it up or for you to get your fiancee's comments out of your mind. Bring it to someone else's attention immediately. Protect your children.

It really bothers me that there is any question in your mind at this point... I'm not saying that he is guilty, I'm just saying that no relationship is worth the risk... and even if he is joking... he is a sick, sick man.

Keep in touch.

Matthew 18:6

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Different context, but the principle applies.