Marriage Builders does help.

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: KitaKazoo ]</small>

BB.. As a guy that is working very hard at changing myself - I would say this... Since you are basically stuck there anyway for a period of time, watch him, and see if he is for real. It will show in time if he is faking it or not. Everyone, including my now separated wife, is saying that I may be "faking" the changes, and that once I relax that my old "bad" self will reserface.. As far as I'm concerned - that's a bunch of crap!! It may not be for everyone, but what if he is actually now open to changing?? He is reading, that is a huge step in the right direction.. From that reading, he may actually learn a lot about himself, and how he needs to change and love honor and respect his wife... He may have taken you for granted all this time, and maybe, just maybe, now he is starting to see he is on the wrong path. Again - I guess I'm playing devil's advocate, because I feel I have truly changed, and continue to get better... but yet, my wife does not trust me and is seriously questioning whether she wants to be with me or not.. My therapist is saying I'm doing everything I can, and she is the one that is not reading and trying to work on the marriage... and yet, she has the control for the future of our M at this point.. I have to accept that.. People can change.. Watch him.. Let the proof be in his pudding.. so to speak.. Let him prove his love and committment.. It's going to be a big change for him, and he needs to know he can't do it on his own.. He needs counseling... and he needs to read.. and he needs to have access to this site... I wish you all the best....

You are right, what do I have to lose? I have time to see what happens. I can wait it out and see what is real. Can't fake stuff for too long.

We've been reading together for a couple of days now and while we are reading he'll point out ideas that impress him and they are things I assumed everyone understood about life and relationships. Makes me wonder about how much he does know about having a relationship... how many things do I not understand. What kind of false exspections and issues do I bring to this mess?

There seems to be an awful lot that we just don't know before we get married. I almost think it should be maditory to read these books before you make such a huge commitment as marriage.

I'm thinking that I need to watch myself and see what things I mess up at. It is really hard to discover how my problems and short comeings play into this whole scenerio.

I noticed that I do something he does that drive me nuts. I give advice when I'm not asked for it. I also start trying to force my oppinions when I should just listen and let people work it out for themself.

I was thinking today that it would be so wierd if my marriage actually turned into the marriage I wanted after 20 years of missery caused by something as simple as not knowing how to be married.

BB

Interesting viewpoint.. but don't start shouldering all of the responsibility on you.. It appears the majority of the "non-work" has been by him.. although you can always improve yourself as well, and that is a good thing, regardless of how things work out or not with your marriage.. It's great the both of you are reading.. and together is awesome.. I wish I had that positive going for me and my marriage.. It is funny how sometimes we "finally" wake up and like you said - are able to have the marriage you always wanted.. It seems a shame that the previous years weren't like that - but we can't do anything about the past... it's done with.. over.. we only have the here and now, and hopefully a bright and happy future... It sounds like you are on the right road for the best possible chance for your M at this point.. I'm happy for you.. Hopefully mine will follow the same path.. I will pray for you both and the possibility of your joyous reunion in your marriage..