would you please e-mail me at I have some questions and hoping you can help me. Thanks.!

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: angelia ]</small>

I don't have email privacy--happy to answer anything on board here if I can be of help!

You mentioned before you knew a bit about FL law....this dept. of revenue case.....are they at all lenient about the amount of cs paid or do they strictly go by the 21%?
I am sick that he slept with ow at all not to mention the thought of having to pay for this monthly. we were at wal-mart last night and I kept thinking that we might not be able to afford so much in the future and it's all because of H and A.
We are going to attorneys first week in Dec. but I don't want some attorney just to take our money (we'll need it) if he can't truly help us. Thanks.
p.s. what is e-mail privacy?

Angelia--I think it is a GOOD idea to have an attorney represent you, but a BAD idea to let your atty think that your H can get out of paying CS for his OC because he CAN'T. SOME attys may try to fleece you by convincing you to drag out litigation, appeal etc. UNLESS YOUR OW IS IN AN INTACT MARRIAGE. If she is STILL MARRIED TO HER HUSBAND THAN YOUR ATTY SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET YOU OFF THE HOOK FOR CS COMPLETELY. If your OW is single or divorced than just settle the CS and don't waste time and money. Your H will look better to the judge quietly stepping up to the plate vs. useless litigation. Good luck!!

mobe ow was married when she had oc and remained married for another year.

My h went on his own to order paternity test. Had lab send ow info and test date.

Attorney told H it was the wrong thing to do since she was married, that her H should first deny paternity. By then it was too late. Ow had hired her own atty. to set up cs, which is why we went to atty. to do it legally.

Perhaps it was better in our case as ow eventually divorced and would have started cs actions anyway.

Hope the atty. in your case can help you two, before you do anything on your own.

Debi

She is married but does not live with her H. We have never seen a bc and don't really know for sure. My H knows that the oc is not named after him.
H is willing to pay cs if it is his but doesn't want contact.
I guess a visit to attorney would be at least informational.

aimee2....bump

angelia,
If you don't mind you can e-mail and tell you what I know. Please tell me when you get it.

Dawn

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

I was looking for them due to the FL law issues....do you have any information on that?

angelia,
Yes.

Dawn

double post

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

angelia,
The judge has the right to make the child support whatever they want. The 21% is only a "guideline", but it is also what they normally order to be paid. Unless you can show some wild circumstances at your home or that ow does not need your money, then it will probably be 21%.
Many times ow will file through clerk of court for cs. Your ow did not, she only went to dcf to ask for assistance. She probably didn't even realize that a cs case would be started. Maybe she and her husband were both on assistance, but more likely that she applied when they split. I'd guess she has been receiving afdc for about six months. If she received assistance while your husband was giving her money or if the judge orders payments back to child's birth, then gather any proof of your husband's payments to her. Pray that he has proof and that may reduce the amount. If he paid her while on assistance, make sure dcf knows. She may have committed fraud.
In afdc terms, there is a difference in being intact and being married. Being intact says that bio mother and bio father live together with child. Sometimes intact families can qualify for afdc. It is called afdc for un or underemployed (adcu). The way I understand you, the ow is married but not living with husband. That is not an intact family. In her case, it is regular afdc (adcr) and the state always tries to recoup the afdc amount from the absent parent.
They (the state) are probably giving her about $300 a month in cash assistance and they want their money back. They are the ones pursuing child support, not the ow. They first had to eliminate the husband. Then they go after the next person she named. They will ask the judge for a set amount for child support. Then they will take a certain amount as a fee and a certain amount to pay back what they have given her in the past months and they will give her the remainder. Eventually all the past will be repaid and she will get the whole minus their processing fee. The state is the one starting this, but there will be a standing cs order which will benefit ow and must be followed even after the state is paid back. Once the afdc is repaid, this will be just like any other child support order. And the only way that the state MAY stop this now is if ow stops getting afdc before court date. In that case, sometimes they will write off that debt (for now). Slim chance of that.
I suggest that you go to the atty. As you say it will be informational. Then be prepared to pay your amount. There isn't a lot that the atty can do, but I'd hear him out. The judge does have final say about the 21% but they don't waiver very often. This is very unfair to you. And it's okay to be angry about it. But eventually you will move on to either acceptance or leaving him. I hope you can stick through, but there is no need to deny your feelings. I don't think acceptance means pretending that your emotions don't exist. It just means dealing with them.
I do know some about dcf cases in fl, but i'm nowhere close to an expert on this oc thing. All I know is that this hurts really bad. I'm still praying that the dna test will show it not your husband's. I read some of your posts prior to finding out. I know you've been suspecting for awhile. I hope that your husband really is remorseful this time. You have a big investment with this guy. Maybe this will be/has been his huge warning sign (it could be worse) and rededicate himself to you and the children. He could use this opportunity to change into the husband that he should have been. In that case, maybe it will be worth cs amount to have a better husband. I'd suggest counseling too. You two need to set goals and be heading in the same direction. Rediscover your love and support each other. You said he wasn't interested in counseling, but maybe he would now that you know his secret. Maybe he will do what it takes to have a better relationship with you. If not counseling, then maybe he would be willing to have a regular supper or play cards with a good moral couple, a mentorship type of counseling. Whatever happens, you and husband need to be together on it. It will be a roller coaster ride, but hang in there. God bless.

Aimee: Thanks! I don't know if she meant for it to be a cs case or not but it's here and we're dealing with it. As for the $$$ amount. How can they order 20% if she's only getting about $300 now.? Shoot, at that rate, I'd go have a bunch of kids too! hahahaha!!! She's certainly not getting 20% of the state's money.
We have an appointment with attorney 12/5 and I'd just like to hear what they say - I'd like to find out any other options about not paying that total amount - (I'd like to be able to eat and buy our own kids stuff )
I have to say that our marriage has made a true turn around in just a matter of days. I believe now with all my heart that H made a huge mistake - he knows it and I know it. I believe he cut off relations with her a long time ago and has been living with this OC thing for a while. I believe he made the choice without me knowing and without me having to put ultimatums to him.
Our conversations have been good - he's open, honest, forthright and is also agreeable to counseling. I have made peace for now with him and the fact that he "did the deed" with another woman. I have also made a decision to move forward. I cannot nor will I live in the past - our marriage couldn't take it for me to verbally assault him daily for a mistake almost 2 1/2 years ago. We have to learn from it (and I believe he has) and go on. I am definitely angry about the cs money because I think it's a huge amount and I don't know where the state figures the amount of 20% being reasonable when there's another family involved. i could see that if he was single but he's not. So, on that front I am angry but we will deal with that too and somehow (extra jobs, etc) we'll deal with the amount. I was just wondering and hoping you could help.
OW is definitely not living with her husband and I really don't know if he's been ruled out but none of that matters - our court date is 12/30 so I guess we'll see what happens then. I think you said in another post that he has to deny paternity, they schedule them for a test (oh, by the way, do they have to do the test at the same time or can they be scheduled separately?). Then it takes ??? number of weeks for the test to come back and then after that it's the $$ amount of Cs to worry about.
He told me last night before bed that he had asked God for a miracle that I would stay and be his wife. Oh, gosh, he is so sweet! hehe!
Again, thanks for your info. I appreciate it and I look forward to your postings!!!

Ang

And....ya know what's funny about my old postings.....he had already had this affair long before I started posting - he was trying to maintain our marriage by not letting the cat (or oc) out of the bag. He was hiding the cell phone because ow was calling on it about oc- he was coming home late because he was out thinking (not being with her - he was already done with that).
He didn't like me snooping because he thought I would find out.
My H almost seems relieved (if that's possible) that this is out in the open - he's laughing, smiling, holding my hand, answering all sorts of questions - I have passwords to e-mail (although they never talked on e-mail) and also he has said several times that now there's absolutely no reason for contact - even oc. Because now the courts can handle it and he doesn't have to deal with her at all. (I didn't insist on no contact - maybe I should have but I wanted to see if he would do it himself. He has maintained his story all along that the only contact he had with her was due to $$$ for oc.)
Strange how this is turning out.....just taking one day at a time. Today, is a good day - I love my husband!!!!!

angelia,
Did you get my e-mail address?

Dawn

angelia,
I am so happy for you. You sound happy and it sounds like your husband is doing what it takes for your marriage and you to heal. I also believe that having no contact will help your marriage heal. That way you will be able to concentrate on each other, and it sounds like your husband is doing just that. You may have ups and downs, but I hope that this keeps up. Congrats!!
aimee

oh one more thing about afdc. they allow a certain amount saying that this is what it takes for two people to make it per month- the $300. Then if she gets any income- say money from your husband. It will be subtracted from that amount. That's why I say that if she got assistance while he was giving her money, it could be fraud. So like suppose they allow her $300 and your husband gave her $200, then the state would only give her $100. IF she reported it!! If she didn't then she got her $300 plus his $200. Fraud. Now that it will go through courts, they will automatically reduce her afdc amount. Examples... They allow $300, he pays $200, she gets $100 from state. They allow $300, he pays $500, she gets zip from state!! They allow $300, he pays $300, she gets zip from state!! Hope that helps! Again...so happy for you with new husband.

You are so sweet....I am for the most part happy with H. I do love him and daily I tell myself that - maybe self brainwashing. Anyway, there are many times during the day that I think "how could you" but I start my self-talk cycle. he cannot bring that moment or moments back. He cannot get us out of the current situation we are in. He cannot make the past "right". I am definitely angry that the ow and possible oc might be living a better lifestyle than our current family of four because they had A. I don't know how long that anger will last.
Anyway, I was reading somewhere about people suing the state for equal protection (of children) so that ow doesn't get too much money and our kids suffering. It takes money to support our two kids but they don't consider that. I just can't believe that dcf doesn't consider current family. it's baffling to me. I'm not in any way saying that if this oc is his then he shouldn't be financially responsible but at the risk of our own family is amazing. OW says it costs her $125 per week for child care and then additional money for health insurance - well, don't they think that our kids need that too? Strange to me.
Enough of that. I am still praying for the dna test to show it's not his. Anyone wanna join me on that one? Where two agree.......
Thanks to you gals on this board writing so often. I thank you and I'm more than sure that my H thanks you!!!!!!

angelia it has happened here and can happen again.
Here's to hope that it's not your H's.

aimee2 has provided you with so much help where others couldn't.

I will try to help you with hope.

BTW I remember that "love-hate" thing all too well.
As confusing as it is, it's just a part of dealing with the situation.

Take it an hour at a time.
love
Debi

Debi: Do you mind if I ask how you and your H deal with the no contact thing? Do you pay cs? Are you able to deal with it monthly? (I don't want to hate him each month if we end up paying cs). Also, how do you and H feel about no contact - that's what my H wants - he hasn't been in oc's life at all and we think oc is about 1 1/2 old. (not sure of exact date). My H is willing to terminate parental rights so that ow and possible oc can move on (he'll support financially until or if that ever happens).

Just wondering how others deal with it. Thank you if you decide to respond.

Angelia