I just received a card from my h that was so wonderful I cried. He told me how bad it hurts him to see me so sad and to know he is the cause of my pain. How sorry and afraid and just how much he loves me it was very touching. You see this is such a big step for us my h never can express his feelings and my IC told me to write to him with all my questions and feelings. I did that with no LBing and he gave me this card it was very touching to be able to see the words and read them over and over. I am so insecure with everything lately that I so needed this token of love. It has been a little over 2 months since d-day and I definitely see some improvement on my part anti-depressants have kicked in and I go to IC every week. We aren't out of woods quite yet but I think I might see some light coming through. I thank you all for letting me lurk and write, I have learned so much.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Oh how exciting! That sure does help the heart doesn't it? Makes me remember the day H brought roses because he knew how much I was hurting...also made me cry.
Congratulations...what a wonderful step!

for about six months my husband bought me a rose a day.

He said it helped him focus everyday on me and his new commitment to me.

buying the rose was more for him as reminder of why he stayed with me.

the gesture was comforting, but the reason behind it meant more to me than the roses themselves.

Z.

lj1122,
I'm glad you got a card from your H. I remember getting those to. He would get the type of hallmark card that really said how he was feeling. I'd read it and we'd connect.

H still gets me touching cards. Not every day as he did in the beginning, but they are just as romantic as before.

It's the part about romantic love that K refered to in another post.

Here's to you and may the healing process continue!

love
Debi

Dear LJ,

I am glad to hear from you and to hear that you are feeling a bit better. I think about you often and I don't know why but your story touched me very deeply. It seems so similar to mine. Maybe it is the accidental finding out, stumbling across photos (in my case) and a halloween costume (in yours).

Just remember that you are still very new at this. Feeling better is good, but don't count on it being constant yet. You will probably begin to have some better days, but expect that there will be real trigger days that feel as bad as a couple of days past D-day. The bad days won't drag on for days and eventually they won't even last a whole day. In or out of your marriage the bad times will be shorter and easier to overcome.

What are you working on with your counselor? I really found cognitive therapy to be very helpful.
Are you and H going to joint counseling?

Glad you are still around.

MJ

Thank you for caring!! MJ yourright on the mark because last night the shi! hit the fan. WE were talking and one button was pressed with me and I said things I never heard myself say before I was awful I throw thinks and kicked the basement door that now one of the panels is missing no one else was home thank goodness. H left and I cryed so hard that I took dog for walk and cried that whole time and when I came home tried to get myself together and couldn't and cried some more. I realized I never ate and tried to do that couldn't, I was a real basket case. It was the worst I have been since d-day. H came home about 4 hours later and slept on the sofa and I stayed up stairs. Boy I thought I was passed that stage. NOT! I tried so hard not to do what I did but I am still so angry. My h just called me at work and asked if I was okay and that he loved me and lets try not to get to that level again. It was BAD! I scared myself! So I'm back at the bottom of the roller coaster and I hate when I'm at the top because I scream on the way down.

I think the hardest things our husbands have to do is watch the damage unfold before them and know they alone are responsible for the mess. When we have meltdowns like you did (and we all have em) they end up on the couch, retreating in fear and confusion, scared to death of what they had witnessed earlier and they end up wondering if the damage is too great to survive. That's why it is so important you reassure him that your reaction is part of the process and since this is relatively new disclosure, you are still traumatized and shell shocked and ask him to try to realize this and that it won't be forever...even if it seems to him it is.

The initial healing takes almost two years with lot's of good and great stuff going on between husband and wife the first year. The sex is accelerated for many couples in a desperate attempt to reclaim the relationship and to reconnect with each other...also it is high appreciation for keeping what was almost lost forever. For us, the intensity and passion returned and in many ways made things almost better than before except for that huge looming shadow of sorrow. But, we tackled that together. The bad stuff, the meltdowns of disappointment and the sense of loss is incredibly over-powering and our reactions to triggers seem uncontrolable in the beginning. As time passes and your husband stays connected to you and devoted to recovery, you will gain some control and learn constructive ways of dealing with your pain and you and your husband will eventually get to the place where life seems almost normal again.

That's why this site is so important. Dr. Harley presents to us an effective road map to recovery and the principles and rules to insure it. Both you and your husband should commit yourselves into incorpoating these very effective pronciples into your daily lives and watch your recovery and the healing process take hold. Is he willing to do this...do anything necessary to make this work?

You'll be OK...you're doing really well considering how raw your pain is. Be good to yourself and to each other and keep praying. Now is a good time to consider a Retrouvaille weekend for an intense weekend of self discovery and a jump start to reparation...the weekends are hosted are all over the place.

www.retrouvaille.org

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>