Hi. I've been lurking the forums, learning the abbrievations, and reading the forums and decided to post to see if any other guys are going thru the same thing I am. I was married for 9 years, 1 daughter. That all changed when I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I just felt like dying and crying a river but reacted angrily towards her instead. A guy thing, I guess. I desperately wanted to work it out and made tons of demands for her to meet. This just pushed her away from me right to the OM. In the heat of the argument, she said that our then 4 year old daughter Kaitlynn might not be my child. My heart just dropped into my stomach from the thought of her not being mine. She looks just like her mother so I never even suspected anything. I was just going to let it go and hope for her back, but when she told me she wanted a divorce, I had a paternity test done that excluded me from being her father. There were so many emotions that I went thru that I can't even describe. She wouldn't even tell me who the actual father was. OM has refused to take a paternity test and denied any involvement.

I showed my lawyer the test results and we brought it up in court but the judge just ignored it and went ahead with a child support order. I couldn't believe that I would have to pay my ex support. I thought I would go crazy and end up killing myself, but that would probaly thrill her even more. I wanted to keep contact with our daughter who I still love but resented paying my ex the outrageous amount of money. My ex finally told me that OM was the biological father. She told our daughter all of this and explained that OM was actually her father. They'll just turn her more against me. I feel like I was just raped for my money and now I've been replaced my her actual father.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Cavuto ]</small>

Cavuto,

Your situation is so sad. I'm sorry for your pain. There ARE a number of men dealing with this and hopefully they'll share with you soon. K has especially good advice.

As a military wife, I've heard of this happening a number of times, where the active duty man deploys and his wife is unfaithful while he's gone. One friend felt compelled to get DNA testing on all 3 kids. In another case I know, the wife wiped out their accounts, their credit cards, and moved herself and their young son in with another man, leaving Dad all the debt. By the time the real/bio dad got home, the son was calling the new guy dad, and 13 years later, he has no real relationship with his son due to the wife's constant interference, despite paying 600/mo ch-support.

However, some courts recognize nowadays "parental alienation syndrome". If you must pay child support and want to have a relationship with the girl who's always known you as dad, it seems to me you could use this syndrome to defend yourself in court. Some courts give the non-custodial parent custody if there is proof the custodial parent is turning the child against the other parent.

It seems only justice to me that if you must pay support DESPITE DNA, that you have the right to fatherhood too.

Hope that helps a little. You'll still have to grieve over the feeling of being used, and for the loss of what you thought you had in marriage and child. I hope you get some counseling to help you through it.

May angel wings surround you,
J, in recovery 4y and glad I stayed

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cavuto:
<strong>
I showed my lawyer the test results and we brought it up in court but the judge just ignored it and went ahead with a child support order. I couldn't believe that I would have to pay my ex support. I thought I would go crazy and end up killing myself, but that would probaly thrill her even more. I wanted to keep contact with our daughter who I still love but resented paying my ex the outrageous amount of money. My ex finally told me that OM was the biological father. She told our daughter all of this and explained that OM was actually her father. They'll just turn her more against me. I feel like I was just raped for my money and now I've been replaced my her actual father.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry you are going thru this. No man should ever be forced to pay child support for a child that is not his. Especially once the biological father has been determined. Let him pay child support. It is unbelievable to me that a court would do this.

Michael

Cavuto,

One thing that Jenny brings up is that with the responsibility of child support ought to come the rights of fatherhood. How often do you have custody of your daughter? What was decided in the divorce hearing? How long has the divorce been final?

There are a few options that you could work. The first is that if you have a contentious relationship with your ex-wife, you should probably attempt to smooth it over. You don't have to be her best friend, but I'd suggest that you start to play nice and keep this child's best interests in the forefront. If possible (and if it's what you want), you might want to check with your lawyer to see if you could get a joint physical custody agreement in place, in which case there would be no child support involved. If you really aren't interested in fighting to remain involved in this child's life, you might also inquire about suing your wife in court for fraud---I have no idea how appropriate that is, but it's certainly a possibility.

In several cases, I'd also suggest that you Plan A, in hopes that this affair will run its course and that you might have an opportunity to reconcile. But based on the fact that this child is a product of the affair and it's been going on for some time---it's probably not going to end too quickly either. And then there's the case of you actually wanting to reconcile with your wife---I don't think the likelihood of that is very high.

It's a lousy situation---I'm sorry that you have to deal with it.

Cavuto--the courts would in general recognize you as your daughter's "real" father--you are her legal father and if you want to retain parental rights you have every right to do so. I hope you have visitation and that you continue to stay a father to this girl--it would certainly be in her best interest. sorry you are going through what must be hell--do right by your daughter and you can hold your head up at the end of the day and know that you didn't retaliate by hurting a child but "did the right thing." YOU will be the "winner" in the long run. Good luck!!

Hi Cavuto
Originally posted by Cavuto

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I showed my lawyer the test results and we brought it up in court but the judge just ignored it and went ahead with a child support order</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I may have some information I gotten off another site. I was informed to pass this along to men that are being force to pay child support.

http//ancpr.org
also here is another contact
mkasindorf@usatoday.com
also another contact

here is the # 310-882-2406
call th...org/father_takes_dna_paternity_fraud.htm

Good Luck

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Dear Cavuto,

I cannot begin to imagine the pain of learning that a beloved child is not your bio-child. I think that that would be unbelievable on top of all the hurt that comes with learning of an affair. I admire your strength for pulling through this and glad you didn't go the suicide route.

I vote for the high road and agree with K. Although your wife doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness nor kindness I suggest you heap them on her like burning coals on her head. *wink* It will serve a few purposes:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it may calm down the contentious relationship between the two of you</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it may make your wife realize what she missed and cause her to tie herself in knots <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /></font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it will help teach your daughter the lesson that the moral thing is always the right thing</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am here because my H had a 7-year affair and has a child of that affair but I am also here because I am a child conceived of my mother's affair. My parents reconciled and my dad and I adore each other. He and I have a relationship that I can't explain. He is the one person in my life who has never let me down, who has always acted in my best interests (not his). The only argument we have ever had is which one of us got the better deal when God placed us in each other's path. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I hope that the courts do the right thing and uphold your right to continue to parent this little girl.

Welcome to the board--a place where no one should ever have to come.

MJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MaryJanes:
<strong>Dear Cavuto,

I cannot begin to imagine the pain of learning that a beloved child is not your bio-child. I think that that would be unbelievable on top of all the hurt that comes with learning of an affair. I admire your strength for pulling through this and glad you didn't go the suicide route.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you. I'm lucky to have the support of my great family. They were just as upset at the possibility of losing their granddaughter/niece.

Honestly, suicide seemed like the easiest thing to do, especially with all the alcohol in me. Luckily for me they kept my head on straight!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I vote for the high road and agree with K. Although your wife doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness nor kindness I suggest you heap them on her like burning coals on her head. *wink* </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She'll be my EX-wife soon, unless some miracle happens. I'm hoping the temporary support order doesn't become permanent support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am here because my H had a 7-year affair and has a child of that affair but I am also here because I am a child conceived of my mother's affair. My parents reconciled and my dad and I adore each other. He and I have a relationship that I can't explain. He is the one person in my life who has never let me down, who has always acted in my best interests (not his). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's great you and your father can be that forgiving. A couple of questions though. Was your biological father involved in any way? That's my situation. What's the point of being a weekend or bi-weekly dad when her mother has replaced me with her "real" father? I assume your father also knew from the beginning.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope that the courts do the right thing and uphold your right to continue to parent this little girl.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm pretty sure that I'll get weekend visitation rights and have a permanent child support order, I'm just not sure if that's what I want. I guess that doesn't really matter, I'm getting it regardless. The only way I can look at it right now is I'll be cutting the check for her mother and being a babysitter while they go out partying with my money. Ugh. Maybe I could bribe a judge to make me the custodial parent.

Cavuto,

You are right. I was seeing this through my own filter. No, there was no bio father involved and my parents reconciled with my dad's full knowledge that my mother was pregnant. It is a different situation and I didn't realize how different until I read your comment about getting to be a part-time dad. I was so busy trying to find the silver lining for you that I forgot how much it was pouring down on your head.

I was trying to say that being there for this child for four years is what makes you her father. We have visitation 4x a year with the little girl born of my H's affair. (They live 2,000 miles away.) We do what we can for her but I know that the little we can do doesn't make him a daddy, not in the real sense.

So, what do you think it would feel like to pay your (unfair) child support and not spend time with your daughter? Is it a decision you could feel comfortable with? I'll bet it is a choice that you wish you had been given before she was born, or right after, long before you had invested so much of yourself into her.

I am sorry for the wrongs that have been done to you. No one deserves this kind of betrayl and deceipt.

MJ

Cavuto,

You know it occurs to me that if the worst comes and you are forced to pay child support and not see this child much at all, then perhaps you could sue the OM for financial damages. His reckless behavior has indeed caused you to suffer financial damages, and I wonder if in a civil court that the DNA evidence wouldn't hold up as supporting that claim.

You need to see s few lawyers and see what can be done in this situation.

Actually, given your W's moral character, I suspect the best thing would be for you to have full custody of your D, but that will never happen.

I wish I could offer you some useful advice, but there really ought to be some penalty for the behavior of your W and this OM.

God Bless,

JL

I thought about suing but that would be hopeless. The supreme court just rejected a lawsuit by a man trying to sue his ex-wife for fraud.

http://www.aberdeennews.com/mld/aberdeennews/news/4589960.htm

I'm not very big on lawyers anyway. I'd probaly win the lawsuit and the lawyer would end up with 90% of the money.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, given your W's moral character, I suspect the best thing would be for you to have full custody of your D, but that will never happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never will happen is right. Especially when I work 40-50 hours a week compared to her 20-25. There's no doubt that I'll cut back on work now since the government will be grabbing my money and interfering with my personal life.

As much as women say that they are exploited by the court system, one only has to look at this to see that it is just the opposite. Courts and politicians have not shyed away from having a cheating husband from paying for his out of wedlock children but they are are extremely fearful of applying the same standards to women that do the same.

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>