I have sunk to a new low this week. In our 10 years together we've never called each oter names, never cussed, etc. We don't believe it's productive and so, Friday I sunk. I called my H some really hurtful names, I used the F word more times than I care to admit, I assaulted his character.
There has got to be a more productive way to handle this. I know anger is a stage but, productivity is the key and I don't know how to do that.
Part of me felt good while I was getting it out because damn it , he hurt me by sleeping with her, he hurt our marriage by betraying it, and if this oc is his....then he's going to be hurting our family for the next 18 years. (I'm praying for the get out of jail free card but am very realistic)
So, I really do want to get on with my marriage - I made it Saturday without saying one word about A, my feelings, etc. As the day wore on I was more and more mad - we went to the movies and he held my hand. He kept playing with my wedding band - I think he was just feeling it and it was his some sort of relief to him - anyway, the more he played with it for reassurance the more p****d off I got. But, I held my tongue but in doing so, I became more quiet and withdrawn.
Please, anyone with words of wisdom. I am praying for wisdom and peace daily. I need it.

Ang

I really don't know what to do to help you with your anger. I feel it to and yes I have never said all the words before the A as I do know. I do sometimes insult his caracter and call him the F words. But I think that is good for you, if you feel better about getting the anger out. The first-time I cussed him out he said bring it on you need to get mad. I too am going thur a possible OC no cs yet. But he says when child born he is taking DNA testing. He don't know if he wants to be involved with child through. He says it would hurt me too much. I don't know if we will survive this because this has hurt me so bad. I do love him, and want our marriage to work. He says this was just a big mistake that happened. Right know I take day by day, and hope for the best. Take care hope you get passed this and survive.

angelia you are very new to the horror of discovering that your H betrayed you and may be fathering a child with another woman.

You will not be able to control your emotions for a while. You are in shock.

While your H is still home, mine had been slowly moving to a rented room a few weeks before d-day.

D-day came. H told me, I went crazy, and H then said he was giving me "time" and hoped I wouldn't divorce him. An hour after I was told, he was gone.

I was then left alone to try and make sense of things.
He called that night and I didn't answer.
It was a double edged sword! I hated and loved him!

I missed him and was glad he was gone!

He began to send cards daily begging me to talk.
He sent flowers.
He called.

When I finally answered a call I spewed out things that the devil may find disgusting!

F word? Oh! That was my favorite along with MF'R, Son of a bytch, (which I also called my former friend, his ow), cun* lapping, useless excuse for a man among other things!

Then I sought counseling. Then I brought out my Bible. Then I got up (I was alreay up!) to go to 7 am mass each day, lost weight and looked like a branch from a pussywillow tree.

After about week, we had a "date", made love. Do you know that he grabbed my hair and was saying my name over and over and saying "My beautiful wife, what have I done to you?"

I wanted so much to let go and be his wife and couldn't.

Then I found this site.

I began to follow the rules, somewhat, still lovebusted around everytime we discussed oc!

To make a long story short, by practicing the principals here, although a long tough road, we pulled through it all clinging to each other for dear life.

Please read what you can.
If you can afford a private counsel session w/Harleys it's a good start.

If you are too overwhelmed <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> by all means get on some type of anti depressant for a short time (6 mos.....).

We'll be here for you angelia.
You came to the right place.

Bless you.

love
Debi

angelia,

gem had some good advice and perspective on anger. the feelings you have are completely normal and it is hard to be rational during a time when you are emotionally crushed. i remember being in denial more than anything. at least i didn't have both affair and possible OC d-days at once, that helped a little i think.

i really think that we go through much of the same stages of grieving, but grieving the loss of what we thought was our marriage instead of a death. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. i think we might go through them in a different order, but we all go through them.

at first i was in complete denial even though in my heart i knew we had lots of problems, then i was angry and wanted to talk about it all the time, with the OC situation i bargained, prayed to God that OC wasn't his that i would do this, that, etc, there were times i was really depressed though luckily that passed fast, and now i have come to accept the situation for what it is...a part of my life, a part of our marriage and something that has brought us closer together.

give yourself a break. i don't think you should be calling your H names all the time or anything of course, but don't be so hard on yourself. my H was very understanding of his responsibility for the situation that caused me to have the feelings i was havings and was always patient when i was angry, depressed, wanted to ask questions, etc. he actually still is to this day.

you are in a state of stress that no one should have to endure but you can get through it. good luck to you and your recovery. prayers for you for peace. i used to pray for that too, would actually go to bed some nights just repeating, 'Lord grant me peace' or just simply 'peace'.

I do not wish to trivialize your pain and righteous indignation but be thankful that you are not the BH who has been lied to beleive that his child is his when it's another man's child. At least you aren't deceived for many years into raising a child which you were told is yours but it is not. I do nonetheless simpathize with you for your WH's betrayal and wish you peace.

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TooMuchCoffeeMan....OUCH! I didn't mean to sound self-righteous in any sense....I was asking for help in dealing with anger. Sorry, anyway, your situation sounds awful as well.....I haven't read many of your posts...are you still with your WS? and what about this child.....does he/she still liev with you?
I can't imagine living in your situation either. it must be awful.
I really wish all of us would not be here....it would be a great thing if this board didn't NEED to exist. However, in the meantime, the best we can do is lean on each other for support (whether we are asking questions, ranting & raving or having good news to share).

Take care!

Angelia I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I was in that situation (thankfully I'm not) but my intention was NOT to shut you up but to make you realize that there will always be other people in worse situations than your own, and sometimes when we realize this then things do not seem as hopeless as they appear to be.

I also am sorry for not validating your anger because you do have a right to be angry, but be careful with this dark emotion and it's sisters (hatred, vengeance, etc) because they will turn on you if you give them shelter in your heart for too long a period of time.

Angelia, remember that ALL of us are here on Earth for a short period of time and do not know when we will leave it forever. Wouldn't it be sad that the last words you had with your H before he died were words of anger?

TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN: I totally agree with you. I have been spending much of my time figuring out ways to deal with the anger - I do not want it in my life. I love my H and although he made a huge mistake - he is still a wonderful man. He is trying his best to make up for it and he is moving forward. He has asked me to do the same. It's only been 12 days now and every day is easier although from time to time I do have weird thoughts in my head.
So, I'm dealing the best I can...Thank you so much for reminding me that our time on earth here is short...And, no, in fact, I want to tell him daily that i love him because I would hate to die with anger in my heart or on my lips.
And, I do agree with you that other situations are worse....I work in HR and daily I encounter people whose situations are worse than mine. I am thankful that God has not given me something He cannot handle. This is in His hands now (although I occasionally take it back from Him so I can worry - gotta work on that too)Thanks foryour postings....I appreciate them!

Dear Angelia,

I found that the key to losing the anger was truly forgiving. Not simply saying "he made a mistake" but believing that and all that it implies.

For me, I read everything I could find on forgiveness and there is a lot written on this subject. My favorite quote became my own motto - "Forgiveness means giving up my right to hurt you because you hurt me".

In the beginning, after I learned that the OC was on the way, I was a living example of "getting even" with my H through harsh words and frequent reminders. My H was truly sorry. He had made a horrible mistake and he was ready to do almost anything to rebuild our marriage. But my anger stood in the way.

Every time I would do something for my H, like make a spectacular dinner, I would think "look at all I do for you and you had an A!" If he would criticize a family member or friend, my immediate response was "look's who's talking after what YOU did".

It took me a long time to find out that marriage rebuilding requires positive reinforcement. The Harley principles on the love bank and being careful not to insult your partner are excellent places to start your reading. My H would not have much incentive to make our marriage work if I continued to hold the A and the OC over his head daily. And I would not be an equal partner in the marriage if I continued to act as the victim.

Problem was the victim role becomes nice and comfortable. I got very used to the feeling that he owed me for the wrong he had done. But as the months passed by, I realized that was not healthy for the marriage and it was particularly unhealthy for me because I was keeping the bitterness inside me always active and ready.

After months of self-searching, I made a conscious decision to truly forgive my H. I made a decision to wipe the slate clean -- I was not owed anything and I did not owe him anything for any wrongdoing. We were equals who needed to start the process of rebuilding a stronger and better marriage.

What a scary place to be! Standing on the ledge with nothing to lean on! But my resolve to make my marriage work made me start scaling the wall.

Communication was critical at this point. My H had never been particularly good at communicating his needs. We talked and talked and talked -- not about the OW, not about the OC. We talked about us -- who we were, where we had been, and most importantly, where we wanted to go. We have learned to be open with each other and to share our feelings whether they are good ones or bad ones.

It is a long road. Your wounds are much too fresh at the moment for absolute forgiveness. But, you are heading in the right direction. Let your emotions wash over you and feel what you need to feel just don't wallow in self-pity for too long. You have been hurt. You have suffered probably the most painful thing that can happen to a marriage. You deserve the right to grieve what you lost and to fully understand that your relationship will never be the same.

But, our husbands had affairs. Would you really want to have the same relationship you always had? No, we want to have better relationships than we had before. I can tell you honestly, my marriage is very different but definitely improved. I am no longer the doe-eyed fool that sees the world through rose-colored glasses. But in her place is a stronger, much wiser woman who is no longer being taken care of by a man -- a woman who is taking care of herself and meeting her own needs first. By doing that, I am much better able to meet my H's needs now.

Read, Angelia. Read everything you can get your hands on about relationships and forgiveness. You are closer than you know to a better rebuilt marriage.

My goodness, who wound me up tonight? I am sorry for the length of this post. But, as you can see this is an issue that I feel so strongly about. Without true forgiveness, I don't think you can move forward constructively.

My best wishes and prayers are with you.
love,
heavenly

Oh, gosh, thank you!!!! The last couple of days I am not angry at all....Don't know where it went or why it's gone. We're not avoiding anything - it's funny that we have talked a tiny bit more about the ow but it's brief and we mvoe on. And, usually it's because I have some darn nagging question in my head.
He answers it and I'm done....weird, huh? It's like I need an answer - he gives it and we continue with life.
Maybe it's gone temporarily? i don't know - I don't really want all that anger in my life. It's destructive. I somehow feel like I should be mad - I should be something....I almost feel embarassed that I'm not mad now. I know it's all new and God, I hope I am not in for round 2 of horrible emotions but I guess only time will tell.

thanks!

That my dear Heavenly is exactly what I'm talking about.

That is what I remember you and the boards to be like way back when.

That is exactly what we as a posting community need to get back to.

No judgements, no finger pointing, no blame just plain ole support.

God if felt good to read that. Heavenly, you could have cut and paste that from a thread you wrote me way back then .... and it's the honest to God truth. The day I stopped being a victim and truely forgave is the day my marriage had a real chance at recovery. Without it, the marriage would have been doomed.

Thank you thank you thank you for reminding me why I love you so.

Z.

Hey girl, you hang in there, I know exactly how you feel!! and I feel the same way, angry that is, but day by day minute by minute it does get better, I have my moments when the questions arise and I also have moments when the betrayal feels endless, but I love him and somehow we will get through this. You have some great advice on your thread and I can only say Kudos to those who have given it!!!! hang in there and follow the principles I know they are helping me greatly!!! and they will for you too!!! time heals all never forgotten but eventually forgiven only to make us stronger!!!

Yup....today is one of those days I hate him. Today is day 12 and I'm just p****ed off that he cheated. Don't know why I'm mad - I just am. He is still being great - but I'm mad anyway....Is that okay? Guess so.! I've just spent hours at Borders reading all sorts of books on infidelity (how sad that there's a whole section of books for affairs). None of them unfortunately other than Harley's book speaks to the issue of another child being in the picture. I swear that makes me the maddest. (I am going to vent for a minute so please let me....) How dumb can you possibly be to not only cheat, not only have sex, but to inject her with your sperm and father (supposedly) a child..... Please don't tell me you wore a condom because you must have found the only one with a hole in it....and please don't tell me that you didn't do it inside her....damn, I wasn't born yesterday. UGH!!!! How dare you put our family in this mess!!!!
I just can't beat him up with these things although I do think about them. What's done is done but oh, gosh, how much it hurts.
Thanks for letting me rant....I appreciate you folks!

oooohhh boy you sound exactly like me!!! I think and feel the exact things....and you know what go ahead rant, rave, get it out of your system!!! damn it we are allowed to....and when your done, think of what it was that made you fall in love with him in the first place...I know the betrayal is deep, but like yourself I am trying to see past what a dog he was... so to speak...we have children together, and god willing he wont be having one with her!! ( in my case presently ) one minute I love him and the next minute I want to committ murder!! as much as I want to blame her I know it took 2 to participate!! and your right do ya think they coulda used a damn condom!!!! would that have been too much to ask???? ooops sorry supposed to be helping you!!! anyhow back to my original statement, think of all the reasons you loved him to begin with, it helps me mabey it will help you and if it doesnt read, read, read, to err is human to forgive is divine......hang in there girl!!!

Dear Angelia and honeyb,

There is nothing wrong with a good rant every once in a while. The saddest words in the english language are "if only". It would have been so easy to avoid this mess, if only he had worn a condom... if only he had communicated his needs instead of having an affair ... if only he had thought of the consequences...

Such a long list of ways that this whole mess could have been avoided. The worst thing about the OW/OC situation is the absolute helplessness that you feel. We were absolutely powerless to have any influence over the decision yet we are so deeply affected by the decision of two other people.

Honeyb I can only echo your words -- hang in there -- the intensity of the feelings you are experiencing will pass. But the anger is real and it is justified.

Zebra honey, you make my day with your kind words. It makes me so happy to know that I helped you from time to time. The way you continue to reach out and guide our newbies touches my heart. You are truly a treasure, Z.

love,
heavenly