Okay...please somebody SLAP ME HARD!!!!!! All of a sudden I have an urge to talk to OW...don't know why....feel like finding out how they met, how did she feel, did she love him, what promises did he make to her, how she feels about oc, what are her intentions with oc, does she want my H in her life and oc's life, etc.....
please somebody tell me this is a BAD idea. My H doesn't want any contact and therefore I wonder why my desire to talk to her. He has been over with this A for a long long time now so why am I feeling this way? He never contacted her and she apparently only contacted him when she needed $$. So, apparently neither of them had anything to do with each other and if there were no oc everything would have been over totally.
So, what am I looking for? Why would I want to talk to her and potentially hear painful details? I'm feeling lost right now.
I'm sure you guys are tired of me posting all over the place on this section but I do appreciate your letting me do so! Maybe it's the newness and with time I won't be such a pain in ya'lls behind! haha!

From my personal experience, my H's ex-ow told me things that contradicted what my H told me. I will never know the truth about certain things. I only caused more anger for myself because I wanted to "fight" with the ex-ow.

I would just let it go...although your urge is a natural one. It would just add more things for you to "never figure out---it don't make sense"

Hugs,
Twiisty

"This too will pass...this too will pass...."

angleia,
I would not trust anything that ex-OW would say to you. I know the urges though just don't give in and call. It would probably cause you more pain. By the way, how old is OC?

I also wanted to call OW but have not. AFter, talking to some people that know her. They have realize that she lies a lot. So, I am sure if I talked to her she would probably just lie.

Dawn

Dear Angelia,

You might be looking for a reason. I wanted so badly to speak with the OW because I could not understand why this terrible thing had happened. I wanted to hear every detail from my H and then to hear her side too -- an investigation to get to the real truth.

My H and I were wisely told my our marriage counselor that there would never ever be a reason good enough to justify the affair -- so stop searching for it.

The details my H provided were painful enough. As Dawn and Twiisty both said, you cannot trust that you would get the truth anyway. However, it might make you look insecure. I think the most important thing to show the ex-OW is that your marriage is strong and she is out of the picture completely. So, please resist the urge.

love,
heavenly

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

I can understand also your need to confront OW.

The OW in my case was someone I knew, H's assistant. So being in the same town I had this constant fear of running into her. DDay for me was in March,01, and finally in Sept. I had H set up a meeting at our house for the two of us.

By that time the 2nd OC had been born. I needed to see her in private before I ran into her in public. I was avoiding places that I might see her, and if I saw someone resembling her I would run the other way. I could no longer live my life like that.

Our meeting went ok. I was prepaired. I had a short list of questions to ask her, and I actually emailed the list to her before the meeting. I stuck to the list, and she answered everything to my knowledge truthfully.

I have no regrets talking to her, but then remember I knew this person. She even housesat for us and cared for our children when we were out of town.

At least after talking to her, I was no longer fearful of running into her and being completely speechless.

It has now been about 20 months, I have not talked to her again face to face. Our only contact has been through emails, and maybe a very few short phone calls.

I guess I will always remember that day. It was 9/11/01.

Angelia…
I understand your curiosity when it comes to exOW…

I gave in to my curiosity and called her. I used my H’s cell phone(without asking him)… I knew she would answer that number. When she answered I said, “Hello exOW… we need to talk.” And she promptly hung up on me. Being the stubborn person I am… I called right back. She let the phone ring a couple of times this time, but finally answered.
Me - “We need to talk. I think you owe me THAT much.”
ExOW - “What do we have to talk about?”
Me – “I think I deserve to know where you stand, and I think you need to know where I stand.”
ExOW – “Well, I think Mr Lee has made his choice perfectly clear.”(snotty)
Me – “And that is?”
ExOW – “He wants to be with you.” (I am now dancing silently in my seat… hehehe)
Me – “Ok… now what about You?”
ExOW – “I don’t know.”
Me – “Well, we need to talk about how we are going to deal with this now. You and I can come to some sort of agreement and get this mess settled.”
ExOW – “I think Mr Lee should have a say in that. It should be up to him.”
Me- “Didn’t you just say he made his choice? That means I am involved now.”
ExOW – “Whatever.” (sounded like she rolled her eyes)
Me – “Ok, So how are you physically?”
ExOW – “I have been hospitalized because of arguing with him so much.”
Me – “Well, it sound to me that the BEST thing for you to do is to stop seeing him and forget he exists and move on with your life and take care of your child.”
ExOW – “I WILL NOT STOP SEEING HIM AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”
Me – “Well, we’ll just see about that.”

With that I hung up. Actually the entire conversation lasted about 30 min… what I wrote here is a condensed version of that conversation.

What I learned from the conversation is that she was determined to continue seeing my H and didn’t care what I thought about it at all. She wasn’t concerned about her child… she only wanted my H.
I had also asked her about when it started and when it ended… and found out that a dear friend of H & mine had known about this whole thing but never even told me… that part hurt almost as much as the rest of the mess…

Later that afternoon she called H and told him that she was going to give the baby up for adoption and he would never see her. She then called later and asked him if he would take the baby and raise her… then she calls YET AGAIN to say that she is going to adopt her out and H would have another child he would never see… (alluding to H’s son from his previous marriage because he rarely comes to us)

I sometimes wish I had not made that call… But, in my case, it actually helped establish my intentions of keeping my H. And showed her that she wasn’t dealing with a wimp.
It showed that the exOW was completely immature, childish. I really rattled her cage…

If I could go back and change it, I wouldn’t call. It was a painful experience for me.

Hugs and Prayers to you…

Happy Thanksgiving!!