I , this is the first time I entered this forum. I am in crisis and don't know what to do ? I just found out that I am pregnant and I don't now who is the father. I had sexual relation on J8 with my lover and On J11 with my Hubsband. I wonder if i should keep the child, or not.. Please help
Thanks

daisy,

PLEASE read the Harley principles on this site and get counseling for your marriage. Do not share your pregnancy with your "lover"---that will only harm your marriage more. Your loyalty belongs to your spouse, if he is willing to try with you to repair your marriage. If you read the principles, you will see that big decisions like "what-to-do-about-baby" should be made in joint agreement with your husband.

Prayers,
J

Study and learn the Harley principles to Marriage Building. You will find your only loyalty belongs to your husband. If you have not already told your X lover (I hope he is an X lover) that you are pregnant, please, please don't. Since you have doubts on paternity, you will have to wait until the child is born and do DNA for conclusive results. Until then, severe ALL contact with X lover on every level and focus on your husband and rebuilding your marriage.

If it were me, and I can ONLY speak for myself, and I wanted to rebuild my marriage and the DNA results came back that the child was not my husband's child, I would either raise it together with my husband without ever telling XOM anything about it or give the child up for adoption.

Because it is a holiday, the boards are very quiet...so are weekends. But, others will come along soon with their input. In the meantime, pray for guidance.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Hi daisy

You didnt give much info, But if your Husband knows your pregnant, You should discuss it with him and decide together. This child could very well be your husbands.
Not much you can do till the child is born and do DNA. They can do dna with an amnio.. but it isnt worth the risk and robably wouldnt be done for the sole purpose of paternity, because it puts the baby at risk.
Deciding to keep the child was not difficult for me, Because I would never have made another choice.. But as for telling the other person, I wouldnt bother untill you had DNA...
I dont agree with the others, I dont think it should be kept a secret.. Because I believe secrets come out sooner or later, and if your child finds out at 4 or 40 he/she will be very hurt and angry, but more so at how long every one lied to them. Just my opinion, based soley on my thoughts and experiences.. And while you may or may not be trying to restore your marriage, You also now have a responsibility to that baby.

How ever if you are not able to care for the child and adoption is an option for you, there are many wonderful families willing to adopted and would love a baby. We have an adopted child , and she loves having brothers and sisters and being part of a family.

Think long and hard about what decision you make, you might not be able to reverse your decisions. Make sure you can spend the rest of your life feeling good about the choice you made.

good luck.

Dear Daisy,

You did not say how you feel about your H vs. the OM. But, I am assuming that since you came to this site, you must be looking towards restoring your marriage. If that is true, then your first step should be to stop all contact with the OM right away.

Please right back and give us some more info on your situation. Does your H know anything about the affair? Is the OM someone he knows, or someone you work with? Do you and your H have any other children?

I agree with the others, your decision on what to do about the baby is one that should be shared by you and your H. Until DNA testing proves the paternity, I would definitely not tell the OM that baby might be his.

Once you do that, you take away any decision that could be made by your H about how to bring up the child. As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you that the worst thing about this situation is the fact that all the decisions that affect your life were made by other people. Your H may wish to raise this baby as his own, regardless of paternity. There are many men on this board who are doing just that and have no regrets whatsoever.

But, having contact with the OM is not something that everyone wishes to do. And, it is a decision that you and your H would have to make together.

Please read the Harley principles and let us know some more information so that we can try to help you better. Try also to relax and take care of yourself for the sake of your baby.

Best wishes and prayers for you,
heavenly

I agree completely with jenny and catnip that your marriage should be your first priority; your H your first loyalty.

<small>[ November 30, 2002, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>

Thank you for your reply,
I am married since 1999 and have 2 children 6 and 2, My son ( 6 years old ) is from a previous relationship his father left the country and my H decided to adopt him. My relationship with my H is very complicated, we love each each other dearly but I feel Like I am in a cage. I did tell him about having an affair but he doesn't know that I had another one recently. I met the OM in a jobfair as we are both looking for employment. I do not intend to have a serious relation with him. My deepest fear is that my new child is not from my H but from OM. I don't know if I will be able to live with myself since I know my H has already made an effort by adopting my first born, will he be able to avercome another child that is not his.