Not sure if this is the place to post, but it seems like the most logical. A month after busting my WH and is MOW, I learned that during their six-month affair she had become pregnant and had an abortion. She is absolutely certain the baby was my H's as she and her H were not having any relations at the time.

This part of recovery has been so difficult for us. Even though there is no OC here in the flesh, I am still having a hard time getting over this. My H and I are both against abortion, or so I thought. When pushed to the test, though, he caved. They justified the abortion by saying they were "sacrificing" one for the good of all (me, her H, all of our children). They tried to make it seem like they were doing us all a big favor. It just makes me sick.

I also am struggling with the fact that I am relieved they did what they did. How disgusting is that?!!! I read about the very real complications involved with an OC, and I wonder if our marriage could have withstood the test of this child being born and working out paternity, child support, visitation, et. al. And then I think, STOP, an innocent life was taken here. Is my comfort at not having to deal with all of the complications worth the life of a sweet baby? No.

It just makes me so sad sometimes. OW would have been nearing term now and I can't get it off my mind. I know my H is feeling pain as the time of what would have been a live birth nears (and I assume OW is in pain, too, but we have no contact). I just feel so helpless. What is done is done. I just don't know how to rid my heart of the pain of the loss of this tiny human being. Yes, it was my H's baby, created from a sinful relationship. But my H and I are one... I feel like the child was as much mine as his.

Anybody out there every been in this position? How did you handle the pain and get past it?

snowbelle,

You have a big heart, but nothing you did cause any of this and while I dont agree with abortion, This was the decision they came to, I agree it is very sad, However your emotions are normal considering the position your husband has put you in.

You will have to put these guilt feelings out of your head, those two will have to deal with that in their own time I guess.

I am sure there will be others who have more to say that will help you, It is just slow on the weekends and every one is probably swamped with relatives.
You have a chance to start over, I would just take it if you can.

Hugs Snowbelle--this will all get better no matter what path you choose. My xH pressured me to have TWO abortions w/in our M--the reason he stated? "It wasn't the right time, your mother just died you need to get over that" and above all "YOU MUST ABORT TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE." The REAL reason he didn't want these two pregnancies to go forward? He was involved in an EMA. He left me for the OW a week or two after my second abortion and then returned to the M abt 6 months later (we had a 2yr old child then). I took him back, we went for counseling etc. and I really never gave the OW a second thought or blamed her for the problems in our M, but something in me died in terms of my love for him and I found the courage to end the M earlier this year. I have regretted those abortions like you wouldn't believe--I could tell from my morning sickness pattern that the 1st was a second girl and the second was a boy. When my boyfriend got me pregnant this Dec I stood up to EVERYONE (except for 1 sister and 2 best friends who encouraged me to continue)--even the doctors were doubtful b/cause of my age--and my now xboyfriend told me that he would "hate me forever" and he does--but IT WAS SO WORTH IT. My son is physically one of the most beautiful 3-mos-old people have ever seen and he seems to have a sweet, gentle, wise, funny personality--he is a miracle baby and being a single mom will be tough but it is THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. I also think that some things DO ruin a M permanently, and even though my xH and I are very good friends and get along extremely well now, I AM SO HAPPY NOT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM ANY MORE. Again, my main source of love loss was these two abortions he tricked/coerced me into.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
[QB]They justified the abortion by saying they were "sacrificing" one for the good of all (me, her H, all of our children). They tried to make it seem like they were doing us all a big favor. It just makes me sick.

=^^= What is more despicable than murdering an innocent child then claiming it is for the good of everyone else?

I also am struggling with the fact that I am relieved they did what they did. How disgusting is that?!!!

=^^= It is not disgusting, it is normal. Anyone would be relieved if they no longer had to deal with an OC issue...but just not in this way. You had nothing to do with the conception or termination and you are not responsible or guilty of anything. You were not notified or consulted on any of this. Mixed emotions on this is entirely normal.

I read about the very real complications involved with an OC, and I wonder if our marriage could have withstood the test of this child being born and working out paternity, child support, visitation, et. al.

=^^= Some do and some don't. Couples who choose No Contact seem to have a better chance at recovery.

And then I think, STOP, an innocent life was taken here. Is my comfort at not having to deal with all of the complications worth the life of a sweet baby? No.

=^^= Of course not, but then again, this is not your choice, or your decision and you are entirely guiltless. Again, no one consulted or notified you or asked your opinion. Two people went behind your back and committed adultery and changed your life forever and terminated another. These are the people who have to answer to God...not you for having very nromal feelings and mixed emotions. Give yourself a break and let go of it.

It just makes me so sad sometimes. OW would have been nearing term now and I can't get it off my mind. I just feel so helpless. What is done is done. I just don't know how to rid my heart of the pain of the loss of this tiny human being. Yes, it was my H's baby, created from a sinful relationship. But my H and I are one... I feel like the child was as much mine as his.

=^^= I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain. You are so kind and loving of spirit to be thinking of this child in this way and will be blessed for your compassion. Here you are the Betrayed Spouse with the complications of an OC in your life and yet you are the only one suffering from the terrible tragedy of abortion that two other people committed. While they might be suffering too on some level, it is of no consequence because they committed the act and then tried to disguise this despicable act into something "virtuous". But then, that is the selfish mindset of people who cheat...they only think of themselves and what works best for them. It is not your sin. Grieve for this lost child and pray for him/her. This child is in God's hands and in a special place in Heaven.

All you can do now, is leave it to heaven....

God bless you.

Catnip =^^=
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

My first thought was ..."was there even a pregnancy?" ...but that's my situation. When I learned of the XOW's miscarriage, I had so many mixed emotions...I was glad...hell I even wished that ( how horrible is that????) and yet I was sad at the same time for the little person that would never be. In the months since I have learned that there wasn't even a pregnancy, just a woman who was rejected that wasn't used to being rejected that used whatever tactic she could to "win".
It's pretty normal to have such mixed emotions, I'm glad you've found such a wonderful support site such as this ...these people saved my sanity at times

I'm sorry you are dealing with not only the pain of your H's affair but also the loss of the OC in such a manner.
(((Hugs)))

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: DocsGirl ]</small>

SB,
I'm very sorry for your pain snowbelle. You seem to have a warm and gentle heart. It is sad that your H and the ex-OW are telling their loved ones that they did it for their sake, as if to push the guilt onto you. You didn't have a hand in that choice yet your loving and open heart is wounded nontheless. I don't believe that what you are feeling is disgusting. You are obviously torn between what you believe in your heart and what you have read about the implications for having a child born from your husband's affair. That seems perfectly normal to me.

It would be so easy for me to tell you to just give yourself a break, this isnt' your fault. While that is what I believe, I'm sure you know that already. Don't let them push their guilt onto you. Like catnip said, pray for the lost child and know that they must must answer for that decision, not you.
All that you can do now is try and go on. Hopefully your H has learned a valuable lesson in all of this. You and he have a chance to start anew, no matter if there was a child born or not, the affair is over, there is no contact, and that is a blessing for you both.
CM

Hi Snowbelle,

No I have not been in your position, but I can understand your sadness about the loss and your disappointment in your husband's character. I think you said it best when you stated, 'what's done is done' all you can do now is plan how to move forward.

I doubt if the pain will ever leave completely because you can't understand why they did what they did from A to Z, and perhaps you will never fully understand... And even if you understood why, you still might feel pain, so I don't know how to tell you to get it to leave. You DO have a tender heart. I think you just have to go through all the stages of grieving and let it resolve itself that way. Sometimes only God can truly heal the places where we have been so deeply wounded.

(((HUGS)))

How are you and your husband getting along? Is he open to implementing the basic MB concepts on this website?