I don't even know where to begin....I guess it's hormones again....*sigh*

I had always thought, that should I be blessed with another child with Mr."T" post D-day, that it would be a "new beginning"....etc. etc. and that it would be the pregnancy that worked out for me, as all my others were under dire and stressful circumstances with BOTH my husbands.

I'm finding out now, that Mr."T" and I traded places....he's happy as a lark with this kid...doing all the things he should have done two pregnancies ago. I'm the one with the OW/OC cloud hanging over my head now. Our way of life has dramatically went downhill and fast this past year....

All of our credit cards are being cancelled by the companies because of late payments due to medical bills and trying to keep up with the bills.

My kids way of life is altered...we no longer can even afford McDonalds just once a month...(not a big deal to some people but it was a treat for us...I LOVE McD's!!!)

Mr."T" has to work even more hours and is not home three days out of the week. He stays overnight at his grannies. I know because I call and make sure he's there.

Before D-day, I was thrilled to be having Mr."T"'s children...thinking I gave him his only children....I couldn't understand why he was distancing himself and not being "in-tune" with me like he normally is. Of course, now I know why.

Now he's rubbing my tummy and talking to the kid and I feel...........nothing. Nothing for anything anymore.

This "affair" "three night stand" whatever you want to call it has changed me. Last Christmas, I was hoping that Mr."T" would get me that "special gift" that would show me that he loved me and would make me feel special once again...like I mattered.

This year, I don't care. I don't care if I ever get another thing from him again. Don't get me wrong, we are in recovery and doing well...but I lost respect for him. This pregnancy brought up a host of new questions and feelings in me....

Like.......

"what did mr. "T" do during "her" pregnancy?"---answer: nothing...she left him alone...until the birth....she tried to play the name game with him and Mr."T" told her to name the kid, "Big mistake" and she quit talking to him for a while until it came time to PAY for "big mistake".

I wonder if I'll ever 100% fully trust him or take his word as gospel again....

I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy...I wanted to cherish every moment...but how can I?

Our plumbing busted...I fell through the blasted floor again....busted my foot....the money earmarked for that was used to pay for his and her court costs....

My utilities are being cut off again soon if we don't come up with money.

I would work, but no one wants to hire a pg, hard of hearing mother...and forget about paying for daycare for 4 kids!!!!

For a three time quickie within a month...this is one hell of a price to pay. I resent it.

Two selfish people (ex-ow and mr."T") affected 6 other people's lives. I didn't ask for it. I'm still peeved a bit...and wonder why am I doing this? Am I a fool for even having another kid with this jerk? But I love him...and supposedly he loves me.

It's not easy...this must be one of those hard days...I get them at times.

But then...I always find a reason to go on, don't I?

I told Mr."T" that while he is busting his [censored] off for those 15 minutes of pleasure for the next 15 years, I'll go find me an "emotional" man...one who will just talk to me, hang out with me and be there for me just to be a "friend" while Mr."T" is working for his mistake. He didn't like that idea...(isn't friendship how some affairs get started????) of course, I would not do that...why add more pain and misery to my life.

Right now I hate it...life...and everything else...but I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

I got to take the kids to the dentist and not sure how I'm going to pay for it.

*Sigh*
Twiisty

twiisty,
Just wanted to give you a (((hug))). I can understand where you are coming from. Especially, not able to go to Mcdonalds. I am sure hormones are not helping either.

Dawn

Twisty....I'm not sure I can give any advice to you. I just wanted to say that this breaks my heart for you. I don't know you personally but you have inspired me along my 18 days.
I am so sorry for your financial situation - that too is a huge concern for me and probably everyone else on this board.
I wanted to give you a big hug and tell you that I feel for your situation and pray for you.
BIG HUGS!!!!
Angelia

They had no right to do this to you and your kids but I know you will get through. You have come this far and God will not let you go. Sometimes it gets so low you can only go one way and that is UP! Keep your eyes up! God is not taken by surprise at all this. He has the answers you need. Keep your generous, giving heart and your rewards will come back to you. I'm feeling for you today and sending lots of hugs and prayers. I know what it feels like to have financial problems. It's temporary. You'll get out of the slump. Keep the faith!

Twiisty you are some strong lady.

I'm sorry the money thing has you guys in such a place!

I pray God will give you some extra strength to help you get by.

Your post made me so sad for others here who are paying huge amounts of cs!

Even if you were a second wife, I'd feel for ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Rest assured you'll be ok.

love
Debi

Twiisty,
I am sorry to hear things are difficult for you right now.
You have been so supportive to me, I just want you to know I am thinking of you, and sending good wishes down your way.

Tina

Twiisty

((( big hugs)))
I'm sorry you're where you are right now, but hopefully these feelings you have will pass and you can focus on your kids and your "bun in the oven" and be able to enjoy your pregnancy.

Maybe that gift you wanted from Mr T is right in front of you...his being happy as a lark for this new baby, maybe he see's this as his chance to be there for you and make up for his not being there for the last. Men don't always know the right thing to do or say, but it sounds like he's trying perhaps the only way he knows how.

Peace and Love

Twisty, I know how you feel, but I have to say, I envy your only 3 day weekend affair.

My H had a 3 year affair, granted he only saw her about an hour a week,but over time, think how much he had contact with her, had sex with her, thought of her, etc.

He was with her when she was pregnant and was with her for delivery of child. It sickens me. It made our time together when I was pregnant with our children somehow less special and significant for me. Seeing her body change while pregnant upsets me still.
He took it all away due to sexual addiction and a woman who was willing to take this away from me with him.

I had many miscarriages and am lucky to have the kids I have. For her to so easily take this specialness away from me will always bother me.

And respect for my h? I have very little left. What he did to me and our family is pretty unforgivable. He too is trying to do all the right things, being nice, attentive, loving, sweet. I feel little. I only see what he has ruined. I don't respect him, something I really relied on with him, was one of the things I loved the most about him. And now, I don't even see him as a good father to our kids-how can I when he through all that away for the big O with someone else? They don't respect him either.They hate what he did, hate the outcome.

And money-after two years of CS, the OW now wants more for day care. NOw we will pay over 1300 dollars a month for one child.What in hell does the child need monthly that costs that much? This is insane. And we cannot do a thing about it.

I resent every month we pay this--because that is money I helped H earn, either directly or indirectly, and he and her have taken it away from us. I actually blame OW more-he didn't want child, she did, and is making him pay, and me, for her decision.

I am right with you, Twisty. Hang in t\here.

Thanks y'all...I knew you all would be there to hear me and hug me....

(((((((((((BIG GROUP HUG))))))))))))))))))))

I just got in from the Dentist...Bubba and Mini-me have no cavities...(Hallelujah chorus \o/!!!)

Dinobon and Curly-top....well....that's another story...even though Mr."T" pays about $80 a month for dental insurance...we are not sure what the insurance will cover or not and they need some serious work that will require a $400 spacer for EACH of them....and we are not sure if Insurance will cover that....they are to go in tomorrow to have the work done or face abscess etc....and Curly-top's is already getting more infected....*sigh*.....

We had to take a loan to pay my attorney her retainer so she can take Bi-polar Bill (My ex-hubby) to court for an increase in CS. She figured by the state's calculations that he needs to pay $700 a month by his income earnings. He only pays $200 a month now...and Dinobon's meds cost us $230 a month....we are waiting now for the stuff to come in and see what we are dealing with...our Attorney wants to go after him for all those years he was violating court order for medical insurance and Mr"T" had to pay. She thinks Mr."T" should be reimbursed.

Bi-polar Bill ("Wild Bill") has never voluntarily paid for anything in his life for the girls...actually never saw them, hardly called until almost two years ago...now he wants to be "daddy" and throws our court decree in my face when it suits him and is convienant for him.

Mr."T" also is looking into trying to get dinobon on SSI...not sure how that's going to fly. We just can't do it anymore.

I also got a note from the school saying Dinobon didn't pass her eye exam and that she needed to see an Ophamologist...her eye muscles are working together. Oh...besides the increase in CS we are asking for, "wild bill" will be ordered to pay 76% medical also. It all goes by formula here.

I want to be fair...but I have a special needs child and if "Wild Bill" wants to be a part of her life...he has to do his part. He never voluntarily paid...it was always garnished from him....*sigh*

And the soap opera which is called my life moves on.................(violin music please....)

Twiisty---with one hand on her forehead for dramatic purposes.....

Oh yeah...I didn't think I'd get pg again and I gave my maternity clothes to the crisis pregnancy center....now I haven't a thing to wear and it's 40 degrees now and I'm wearing shorts!!! YAY!!!!(clapping her hands wildy) How much more happier can I get now? (sarcasm intended!)

Gees, I'd like to find out if you can divorce H and get a court ordered cs for your own family - not to actually divorce him but I know they lessen those cs orders based on # of kids.....

Seems like there's gotta be a way around this BLACKMAIL!@!!!!

You know...we might just do that...we are talking seriously about it in order to get help for Dinobon via social security too...I seem to get more help being a single mother then if I was legitimately married.

Welcome to the world, eh?

Hugs,
Twiisty

Twiisty...Let's put this to music and create a Country Western song so you can live off royalties.

Honey, I wish I could write you a check that wouldn't bounce...if I had it and could do it, I would. We should set up a fund for people in our situation.

I think it is going to be a skinny Christmas for many of us here on this site.

Go to the shelter where you gave away your clothes and see if someone dropped off some nice maternity clothes that are no longer needed for yourself....

As for Mr. T, I don't know what to tell you. There must be something in the air because lately many Betrayeds are looking at their former Waywards with resentment as the source of their needless pain and misery...because they are! But, I believe this is cyclical, too, and when some of the pressure breaks, we will regain those lost loving feelings.

Sometimes I feel really sorry for these guys that are in recovery and breaking their necks to make this mess right while living with debilitating remorse and guilt and a snarky Betrayed (like Bipolar Bear-my husband has to) when it would be a lot easier for them to abandon us again and for good along with the whole package and start over on their own without all this effort to make things right again when it seems like such an act in futility.

It takes so damn long to recover from this stuff...the reprocussions of their actions are long reaching and seem to last forever.

Those OC's should have been given up for adoption or the Mom's should figure out how to care for them on their own since they are the ones who planned them and wanted them so much...or at least just accept a little help...not the same amount as a legitimate wife of a score of eyars in a committed marraige would receive. This "reward" system for OW's is incredibly corrupt and just plain wrong. Our husband's were just plain wrong to get involved in the first place. What is wrong with people today that they are so short sighted and stupid and selfish that they would burden entire families with this kind of pain and trauma and suffering? I can't imagine.

I'm praying for you, Kid. Better days ahead...

Catnip =^^=

My Pastor's wife called this evening. I was crying while doing the dishes and her call was perfect timing. I've been going to this church for about a year and I told her everything..talked to her for a while about why we are in financial difficulties etc. She was really good about it and supportive of our decision of NC etc.

Our church has adopted us as one of the families who will get something for the kids for Christmas. My kids will get somethign and she wanted to know their ages/sizes etc.

God does step in. Mr."T" feels really bad that we are now recipiants of church help. I tell him not to look at it that way, but as God stepping in to give us a hand-up...not a hand-out.

I feel better...tomorrow is another day.

Thanks y'all........

Twiisty

HUG for {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Twiisty}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I could help. I'm glad you're feeling better. You hang in there. You can do this!!

Bless you,
J

Twiisty....God's spirit moved in that pastor's wife to call you. God always takes care of his people (i should listen to my own advice on that one - ha)

I think we're all prayin for ya!!!! Just remember that God says we are not to worry about tomorrow. His eye is on the sparrow so surely he will take care of his own children.

As for hand outs....Tell Mr. T that there's a gospel song that says When praises go up, blessings come down.....God loves to hear us praise him even in our worst time (yes, I need to do that too instead of complainin all the darned time)

More big group hugs!!!!!!
Take care of yourself one day at a time!!!!!'

Angie