This is one of those nights that out of all the people involved in this whole mixed up mess, I am most angry at myself! I could walk away!! I'm not the one with the OC to raise. I don't want or need a relationship with the OW. I've already divorced my WH, but we continue to talk about reconciliation. I make more money than my XWH, so I don't need him financially. In fact, I'm in the process of filing bankruptcy due to the mess his choices got us in, that I allowed to happen. Me, with the Platinum VISAs, with credit limits of $27,000.00!! See, it all gets back to ME!! Does anyone else struggle with this? I know I can't "control" him, but I certainly am responsible for "controlling" myself! So-o-o-o, it all gets back to ME. There are times I feel like one sick puppy to put up with all of this. I want a companion, a lover, a partner, a friend. What's so wrong with that? Why can't I start looking at other men? I guess part of it is that there's not exactly anyone knocking down my door to go out with me. Fat and forty-seven isn't on the top of many men's "desireable traits" in a partner! I don't go to bars. I work in a female dominated profession. Frankly, I'm too tired to go out and get involved in classes or other interests after working all day. I'm definitely having a self-pity party tonight, but I guess I'm entitled! Just needed to vent. How do others handle self-loathing?? I don't want to end up the "bad guy" in this, when I did nothing to cause it. I just can't seem to end it.
