okay....major source of argument in my house right now....The OW lives about three blocks away. I drive by her house on my way to our kid's after school program. Anyway, for court date, H and I are arguing about seeing OW.

He doesn't want me there. He says it's like buying a car and once you buy it you notice it everywhere....He doesn't want me to see her everywhere...target, 7-11, etc. He thinks if I don't know what she looks like then I won't be haunted if I run down the same aisle as her at the grocery store.

In addition, he thinks she will purposefully try and start some SH** at the court date. He thinks she'll try to say ugly things to me and he's trying to protect me from that.

I, on the other hand, feel like I need to be there to show her that we ARE a couple and that I'm not a secret. I feel like if he goes without me that it sends the wrong messages to her.

I also feel like that he wasn't protecting me in the beginning...now what's the big damn deal.

I don't want to be 'ignorant' anymore and I don't want "what you don't know won't hurt you" attitude to prevail in my home.

I realize that she probably doesn't care about me and is probably glad that she's gonna get big $$ from us if OC turns out to be his. She loved him and he turned his back on her - I realize this and so I'm sure he's right in her vindictiveness.

We are actually moving past (not at any fast pace mind you) the actual affair. We are into working with attorney, considering our financial status, going on dates for ourselves, talking, hugging, kissing and enjoying being together. Each day is new and the past couple of them have been hard but good.

So, my question to you ladies (and gents) is.....what do you think of this....could I never see her and is that okay? Do I need to make a stand? And if so, am I doing it to the detriment of my marriage...will I always torture my H with crap because I have a face for the A? If it hurts when I see her, then who do I have to blame for that - he asked me not to go and I was insistent? I'm praying right now over this one too.



A

a,
This is a tough one! I'm of two minds...

One, a known enemy is better than an unknown one. And a united front is GOOD!!!!

But two, sometimes it IS better not to know, if it saves us some pain. I mean, I never had to live 3 blocks away from the darn woman--OUCH!!!!!

I know it took constant willpower not to seek revenge on (former friend) XOW when I lived in the next town for just 2mo. I don't know how I would've survived for years.

Keep praying!

Remember policy of joint agreement! (talk about--would it be better to go and regret it or not go and regret that? for each of you)

And thanks for the kind words (other post)
J

Angelia,
I would want to go and find out who she is and show a united front. Gee three blocks away that must be horrible.

Dawn

I feel ambivalent-- I know I would want to show a unified front, but I don't think I would want to be reminded of what OW looks like, day in and day out, seeing her so close to your home. Plus, you will then have an image of her with H that may be hard to erase.

Something to think about.

Here's what worked for me. I needed to know what OW looked like because I didn't want to be in the grocery store or anywhere else and be surprised. I also felt like everyone I looked at could be her..I had no way of knowing who she was and I felt like I was being watched. I drove by her house intentionally until I saw her and knew what she looked like so if I ever run across her I can be more prepared...I can turn and go the other way or hold my head up and act dignified (while probably shaking in my boots!) Another thing was this...if I was with H out somewhere and she happened to be there too, and I didn't know it, he may be very uncomfortable without my knowing why until its over.
It just felt like the right thing for us to do. I also know now if she were to drive by my house or anything else who she is.
I don't think I would want to see her for the first time at the court house though!!
Oh, and after I saw her face it was haunting for awhile...all the thoughts and imaginings but they are gone now. The best part of driving by was that she saw me and I slightly covered my face (like from the sun) but she couldn't see me...and I could tell she knew it was me but didn't get a glimpse until it was too late <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It helps me feel a little more in control..like I'm no longer afraid of the big bad wolf (AKA OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )
Good luck to you...sounds like you have your plate full...too much to deal with at one time.
Take Care!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>

I, on the other hand, feel like I need to be there to show her that we ARE a couple and that I'm not a secret. I feel like if he goes without me that it sends the wrong messages to her.

=^^= I agree. Unite. Be there. Forewarned is forearmed. Face the demons instead of letting them become bigger than they really are.

I also feel like that he wasn't protecting me in the beginning...now what's the big damn deal.

=^^= He might be afraid of what she might say in front of you, revealing more than what he has told you

I realize that she probably doesn't care about me and is probably glad that she's gonna get big $$ from us if OC turns out to be his. She loved him and he turned his back on her

=^^= If this is true, then you are a big deal

We are actually moving past (not at any fast pace mind you) the actual affair. We are into working with attorney, considering our financial status, going on dates for ourselves, talking, hugging, kissing and enjoying being together. Each day is new and the past couple of them have been hard but good.

=^^= Most recovering couples go through this incredible "honeymoon" phase after discovery as a reclaiming of what is theirs and trying desperately to reconnect and get back what was almost lost forever. It is very intense, very sexy and very passionate and lasts forever with the new appreciation. There will always be "dry spells" when there are issues relating to financial-CS stuff and other disturbing issues, but in our case, we go to each other and comfort each other and try to figure things out together, which enhances the marriage.

could I never see her and is that okay?

=^^= Personally, curiosity almost killed the Cat, however, I had the huge "need to know" thing going on and I am much better since I met and saw her. I was able to assess the un-competition and put my fears to rest. It is truly up to the individual but I prefer dealing with the real thing than with my imagination which had her pegged as a Vicky's Secret model. Seeing her in person, talking to her and getting an overall sense of what she is like gave me tremendous satisfaction and dispelled any illusion I had about her. For me, it was a really good deal to meet her.

Do I need to make a stand?

=^^= If you insist on going, go.

And if so, am I doing it to the detriment of my marriage...

=^^= Not if you maintain your dignity and behave like a lady. Not if you show kindness, understanding (even if you don't understand) and support to your husband and not react to any new information you haven't heard before.

will I always torture my H with crap because I have a face for the A?

=^^= No, you bring it here and vent to us about it and spare him your rage and grief. He already has a pretty good idea how you feel about it and has an inkling of the pain you are in and is probably scared of loosing you and deeply ashamed.

If it hurts when I see her, then who do I have to blame for that - he asked me not to go and I was insistent?

=^^= It WILL hurt. You will wonder why your husband chose her over you for a time. Just keep reminding yourself he ultimately made his decision and came home and chose you and you were gracious enough to allow him to do it.

I'm praying right now over this one too.

=^^= Ask God to comfort and protect you at court and vow to yourself to not torture your husband over it. I'll pray for you, too.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Catnip =^^=