My marriage is really on the brink of a divorce. I think if we didn’t have children, we would be divorced. At least that is the reason on my part. I believe on my husband’s end, he is still in the marriage because of what he thinks it would cost him.


In September 1999, my husband and I were having a heavy discussion. I don’t remember about what but it was probably about one of the children. He said to me in so many words (not many because my husband talks very little if he believes it is or will be confrontational), he said that we aren’t working out and that there were voids in our relationship. It disturbed me very much, as you can imagine. But the children were at home and I had promised I would let them wash my car (something they don’t do and really wanted to do–given it was really dirty :-o ). My husband came out to help us wash the car, and I really didn’t want him around me.

I guess what he said was in a way to let me know that he was thinking about, or justifying to himself why he started to cheat. In Nov. 1999, I found out he was cheating. I confronted him, and he denied it of course. I gave him so many specifics on what he was doing that he threatened me with leaving if I didn’t tell him how I knew whatever it was that I was saying. I responded with 1st that that statement showed me that it was true and then 2nd I asked him when he was leaving in response to his threat. We were at an impasse. He definitely was not going to admit it. Further, he did not immediately stop.

I really tried to remove myself from the situation and be more like those women who’s husband cheated on them and they were able to handle it and move on. I’m not really that type of person but I tried.

In October 2002, I found out that he was cheating with another person (someone that I did not know but knew of her and people who know her). More than that, he was also having an affair with someone over the internet. I confronted him again. And again, he denied, denied, denied. I showed him how I know so much of what I know and asked him to explain it, if it isn’t an affair, what is it. He shut down, as usual.

These things have really turned me and the way I look at my husband. I am not sure I love him any more or “in-love” with him. I know I don’t like him. I don’t like him, his looks, his clothes, his smell and I no longer want to have intimate relations with him. I don’t like him.

I am still married to him because of the kids. Mostly because of my son (my daughter a teen would bounce back). I think that my son would have a really hard time if we divorced. I believe that he would rebel in a very negative way. He rebels when he doesn’t like something now and I think that I would have the kinds of problems that would impact him more negatively than staying in the marriage (which I understand also has some negative impacts).

Recently, we have been talking very little. This direction is problematic for me in that if we are to work on this at all, we need to communicate. This isn’t happening. I recently told him (after his several advances to have intimate relations) that I have no desire to do that and that it is not even a thought for me given the direction of the relationship and the treatment I have received from him in the recent past. So now, we really aren’t communicating. I am really unhappy. I really don’t know if this is the right board to post this on. Actually, I use this post to get some things off of my chest and to see if anyone is interested in responding to my situation. I used this board about three years ago and the advice to me was to go through the steps. Those steps aren’t a reality for me given that my husband will not admit to anything at all and does not believe in counseling. I don’t know how to initiate any corrective measures.

I have decided that I am not leaving the marriage and that may be for the wrong reasons in most of your minds but I have 6 years left, then I am gone!!!

Anyone have any suggestions or comments?

I guess maybe I'm not sure what you're asking, so I will just comment.

Your plan to hang in there and I assume leave after the youngest gets through high school is certainly one option.

The human mind is capable of a wide variety of mechanisms to cope with stress. It would seem that if you found a way to keep busy outside the home to minimize contact, then you would have the maximum chance of making it the 6 years.

Have you given any thought to what your kids are going to think when the day after graduation you file for divorce, and they realize their parents relationship was based on a lie?

No matter how you slice it, and at what point you do it, there will be a betrayal.

It's just something to think about.

You are right, my children will question my leave whenever I do it (probably after the youngest goes off to college).

But, they may be old enough to handle the ordeal and have very good conversations about it.

My Oldest knows something is up now. I don't know what to say to her. This probably means my youngest knows something also.

Thanks for the comments.