For those of us who keep coming back here, do you think we are like adrenaline or drama junkies who can't relax and live a "normal" ordinary life?

... maybe like war veterans who need the support of those who understand how hard it is to act like normal after the life-changing events we've been through...

(We do have experience to offer the new troops!)

I mean, my marriage just had a relapse, but before that I wondered what keeps me (and you) coming back...?

<small>[ December 07, 2002, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Jenny:
I am sorry for your marriage relapse.

For me, I come here because I'm new at this and truthfully I feel alone. I post, I read, I re-read, I take it in.

These women for me are a lifesaver. They are my lifejacket in this storm. They have wisdom far beyond what I have and they are not afraid to share their hearts, their stories and their wisdom.

I don't find this any sort of an adrenaline rush -personally I think it's pathetic that we're even here. I'm trying to make lemonade out of lemons.

I have asked some of the veterans why they come here and I think they come for people just like me. I think they come because life handed them a 'rotten' deal and they want to share with newbies like me that there is some kind of hope. They are not fake in their answers that it takes time and effort. They don't sugar coat anything. They tell it like it is and it's up to use newbies to take it or leave their advice. But I'm speaking for them and shouldn't.

I think it's like the birds of feather flock together. We have a common bond, even though it is a sad one.

I hope that the veterans do not stop posting....we need them here. (I need them here). Without them, all of us newbies would try to answer these crazy questions, feelings and thoughts and we'd be lost in the sauce! Their answers are better than any book I've ever read (and that's been many lately)

I pray for us on this board. Daily, by name (at least sign on name) because God already knows who you are.
I'll stop rambling now!!! too much morning coffee and not enough sleep!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
[QB]

For me, I come here because I'm new at this and truthfully I feel alone. I post, I read, I re-read, I take it in.

=^^= You were brought here by Divine Intervention...you belong here and it will be your saving grace....

They have wisdom far beyond what I have and they are not afraid to share their hearts, their stories and their wisdom.

=^^= we are all PHD's graduating Valedictorian from the School of Hard Knocks...haha

I don't find this any sort of an adrenaline rush -personally I think it's pathetic that we're even here. I'm trying to make lemonade out of lemons.

=^^= It is a pathetic situation, but good for you that you are trying to find some good in this nightmare....

I have asked some of the veterans why they come here and I think they come for people just like me.

=^^= Absolutely...we also come here for ourselves to fight for our cause and strive for healing, But many of us have received so much, we just want to give some of it back to newbies

But I'm speaking for them and shouldn't.

=^^= Thank you for your kind words...you can speak for me anytime. You were right on anyway.

I hope that the veterans do not stop posting....we need them here.

=^^= sometimes we might go on hiatus for a couple weeks or months, but we just end up back here checking things out and making sure all is well or scanning for people who might need us...it's kind of like our safe place...a place we know where we are completely understood. Now, who would ever want to leave such a place forever?

Their answers are better than any book I've ever read (and that's been many lately)

=^^= Ain't that the truth? I've noticed that, too from ones who went before me.

I pray for us on this board. Daily, by name

=^^= Oh, thanks, Honey...I pray for all of us, too, including you...we pray for each other and it gives us such strength.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jenny:
<strong>For those of us who keep coming back here, do you think we are like adrenaline or drama junkies who can't relax and live a "normal" ordinary life?

=^^= Not at all. I long for normalcy and the ordinary. This site and the people on it and our situations have become kind of a crusade or a cause to me. I am constantly trying to think of ways to beat or change the system.

... maybe like war veterans who need the support of those who understand how hard it is to act like normal after the life-changing events we've been through...

=^^= Well, that part is true for me, for sure. I am more comfortable with most of you than I am with anyone else, even good old Scary Mary, my best friend.

I mean, my marriage just had a relapse, but before that I wondered what keeps me (and you) coming back...?

=^^= Part of it is that I feel we become "experts" in this and who doesn't want to be good at "something"...hahaha

Your relapse is a symptom of all the time away from each other, Jen. These separations put you two on a real slippery slope...how much longer before the two of you are together again?

Love

Catnip =^^=
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dear Jenny,

I have disappeared for long periods of time and then returned. Your post made me think about why I can't seem to stay away from MB.

I think angelia is right. I feel almost a responsibility to share what I have learned about marriage and life with others who might be in similar circumstances. Not that I am perfect ... far from it! But, I think I have developed a new way of thinking and handling the curves that life throws us that is worth passing on.

I think angelia also said that we should be able to speak to those having affairs to warn them of the consequences. I would love to teach a course on pre-affairs 101 to warn people before they get involved of what can happen to their lives and their marriages, emotionally and financially.

What have I gotten from this Board? A true sense of camaraderie and caring. It feels sad but good to know that there are others out there suffering the same types of feelings that I have about the OW/OC situation. (Only MBers would understand that conflicted feeling...)

And I have learned patience. There are so many different spins on this situation, and so many types of people. I have learned to take little bits of opinions and weave them into my own for the good of my life. I have also learned to ignore the ugliness that comes out of people sometimes because it is their right, however I may feel about it.

MB is a bit of an escape and I wish that some of the WS's would form a similar bond on a board like this. Talking things through on a regular basis helps to keep perspective and keep us all on track.

So, I may come and go from time to time, but, like Catnip, I'm sticking around for awhile.

love,
heavenly

Jenny,

For me the reason I keep coming back is twofold.

First and foremost I want to give a little of what I've learned over the last two years back to the newbies.

I remember sooooo vividly the first night my tear stained face looked into the screen at this bulletin board. Oh the relief to know there was someone else out there just like me. And for those women to tell me that they knew EXACTLY how I was feeling. And to hear them describe every stirring in my soul as if they could read my mind. My God, I was floored and soooooo grateful to not be alone.

Then as "recovery" began to unfold so many wise wise oldies were able to explain the crazy and wild behavior of my husband. Or explain to me why the sound of OW's voice could set me back to d-day status. And much much more.

The thought of someone showing up on this board half as much a wreck as I was that day and not having someone take them under their wing is aweful. I have "adopted" a few newbies over the last year. Some have moved on to different "mentors" and others I still communicate with often. But all of them are still my friends.

I wanna be that sholder to cry on, someone's prayer partner, someone to share the victories with. Because so very many were (are) just that to me.

Now for my second reason ... recovery is ongoing and a never ending process. We are forever scarred by this devastating set of circumstances. And just like any wound, scabs can be pulled off to expose vulnerable flesh. I get in a bad place sometimes and the wise veterans here(including you), help me through. And the newbies remind me from where I came and never let me forget how thankful I am that I've already traveled that road.

Just as you know ... this is the first place you turn when the kitchen get hot at home. I gotta come here and get a hug before I make my next move!

I too disappear for a while. I usually lurk a bit, but take posting breaks. Especially if I don't feel like I have much to contribute. Then I go on a posting rampage and get tired of seeing my handle all over the board!

And other times I don't like the company of the board so I just back up and let them do their thing.

But you .... I adore you.

Ciao,
Z.

Hi, my name is cdcollins, and I am addicted to adreneline.

Hey, at least I'm honest, right?
-cd

CD--ROFLOL!

Thank you zebra--you're a too cool addition to this board.

catnip and heavenly-- how could I love 2 strangers any more?

angelia--you said that so beautifully. May God hear and bless your prayers and all of us strugglers... We need Him so!

Thanks for the smiles! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't know about adrenaline...I come here sometimes to raise my blood pressure!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I like to go back and re-read my first few posts and see how far I've come. I also want to be there for the newbies...regardless of their stand on contact/no contact. I want them to feel safe and know that they are understand as y'all took me under your wings.

God bless y'all....
Twiisty

I lurtk and occasionally I post, like now. Like the others I want to help someong get thru this if I can.
When I went thru this, in '92-'93, there was no place like this. I wish there had been, I would have lived on this board.
My situation has never been as dire as some others here, but I still had to deal with the pain and agony I felt when I learned of his A and the OW/OC.
The irony was the OC was born the day before our anniversary. The day she was born, he was planning a special getaway for us while the OW was alone having their child. I have always felt bad for that little girl, who will be 9 this Jan.
I also come because it is a sisterhood. Than I want to learn about the legal things some of you learn and wonder if I could use them.
Mostly, I know I couldn't have made it with a friend to listen to me, and some are not so lucky. Now that this place is here we all have a friend to share our pain, sorrows and our joys as we rebuild our marriages.

Texasgirl

I read my post after I posted. I can tell it is late, my spelling is atrocious. My apologies ladies.
I LURK here and sometimes post. Sometimes I can even spell.
Just wanted you all to know, I keep coming back because I think you are all awesome and there is always something new to learn about people and life here.

Texasgirl

Well I'm here to say addict,addict,addict!

Also I have met some supportive women here that I know I can reach if I need them.

Also! No one else can possibly understand what we've been through and survived.

As far as legal news, Melissa floors me with her knowledge and compassion about cs. As far as I go there are no small c's left in our marriage. No matter, ow will get that new car payment or our "getaway place down south" payment for 17 more years. I deal with it. H said he will find a way to overcome that and we will have a retirement place.... I wish the law looked into the wealth of ow, like in our case, who after saying she will "do it on her own", come back and request cs so H will have a monthly reminder.

That is actually punishment in court for crimes, making a criminal write a check to injured family each month to make them "remember" what crime they did.....ironic isn't it?

love
Debi

Hi all. I have to agree with something Zebra said, about feeling relief to find others "like me". I had been posting on other infidelity boards, but it just wasn't the same until I was guided here by some nice soul who knew about this board. I felt safe posting here, I wasn't alone anymore.

I still lurk sometimes. I will go weeks without stopping by, sometimes longer, because I think it stirs up the pain. I really don't think it does though. I post occasionally. Mostly because I am not on the computer too much and when I am it is now when DD is napping!

I think I stay because I hope to help someone even if it is just one person every once in awhile. I used to do the same by volunteering with a sexual abuse organization. I wanted to help others who were in the same situations I had lived through, show them there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the same here. Others must see that there are survivors.

So, I do come and go, but I will never forget any of the wonderful people I have met here over the past 2 years. I have seen so many wonderful things happen here amongst our pain and suffering.

I wish I could be of more help and maybe someday I will be. For now, I will come and go. Take care and know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks to everyone who has ever helped me here.

Love,

HG

Hmmmm... What keeps me coming back to MB Forums???

Wellllll..... It's true, I do have a good marriage, almost 10 years, no affairs, OC is all grown up and has moved out--living with roommates, life is good, working at home, raising twins, my adulterous affair with a MM when I was single was 22 years ago, ancient history as far as my daily life is concerned... So what keeps me here?

First of all, this is not something I go around discussing with people that I meet or even those who know me. I'm not the person I was back then either... I love my OC and gave OC the best parts of me that I could possibly give and now my motherly job has taken a new turn because the acid test is: what will OC do with what I/we have taught about life, about values, about consequences... Will OC ever marry? Will OC have a good marriage? Will OC value what is God's Will for OC's life? Will OC make right choices? Hmmm...???? OC's life is just beginning!!!

I know that I choose to come here and read to see if I can offer kindness or support or opinions that matter. Sometimes it feels nice to be accepted for what I believe or to have someone "receive" what I have said. Then at other times, I feel so strongly about an issue that I have to express myself regardless of what the poster might think or how they might react... Other times, it feels like I have nothing constructive nor helpful to say and so I better just keep a lid on it... (die to my flesh, so to speak)...

I think it is unhealthy to live life with our focus constantly on the rear-view mirror, so I don't live my life this way, not at all. The past needs to stay right where it is, especially if there is repentance--a turnaround with no intention nor desire of going back and proven track record of good choices.

I also believe that sometimes Christians (namely myself) can be so quick to judge someone else when we are guilty of sin ourselves. I DO believe what the Word of God says about adultery and any type of sex outside of marriage being a type of sin that is against our bodies with heavy consequences regarding our honor. Our bodies were made to be a place of worship for the Holy Spirit, a temple, which is why I believe sexual sin is very devastating.

Heck, if we don't enjoy worshipping God, I don't know what we expect to do for all eternity?! If we don't enjoy singing and praising and worshipping God, we probably won't enjoy heaven much! Since that 's (supposedly) what our bodies were created for... In that context, one can see why adultery is so devastating to a person and their relationship with God.

I come here not to focus on my past sins, but to remember. To me, there is nothing worse than a Christian--someone who is forgiven of sin by God--to forget where they came from. Maybe someone feels like their sin is more dignified than another's, but sin is sin and all sin separates us from God and a lifestyle of sin only leads down one road--that wide road to we know where... Which is why we all need forgiveness of sins, past, present, AND future...

Thank God that through Jesus Christ, forgiveness is available. Not because anyone is so good, but because HE is so good...

I also thank God for MB concepts because you can't really find this kind of practical teaching in the bible. Emotional needs and love buster surveys... Those REALLY helped us figure out how to meet each other in a practical way. The surveys and concepts listed here provided a means and a guideline for open discussions to happen between us. We were in such a state of withdrawal and that scared me. When I got to a point in my marriage where I felt numb, like I couldn't care less--whoa! MB concepts and articles SAVED us. I didn't discover the forum until months after we started absorbing the concepts. And furthermore, I didn't discover the P/C forum until months after I was reading on GQII.

I think this forum is very different because OC takes adultery to a whole different level... OW/OC involves deeper wounds, as if an affair is not hurtful enough!

Sooooo, to make the long story longer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My purpose for being here is to try to share my story to give BS's with no contact some hope of believing that God will care for the OC and not to feel guilty for working on their marriage as first priority. Maintain a godly, prayerful attitude... Pray for OPs, pray for OCs, trust God with your finances to meet any CS, if required and OC IS your WS's, God will work it out when we submit ourselves to Him. The enemy WILL flee!

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I have family time and days that I refrain from reading OR posting on MB forums. And I stick to my schedule... That's how I create a certain balance to live a "normal" life, whatever "normal" is!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think isolation is a dangerous animal, especially in these circumstances (OP/OC). I believe the only way God can really use us and minister to us is through relationships. We NEED to get out there and spend time cultivating relationships with our family members, with friends, with coworkers, with neighbors who we have lived next door to for YEARS and don't even know their names! We need to get out there and be a blessing and it will truly take our minds off our troubles.

This is the perfect season for giving--giving of our time, talents, and available resources! This year, our goal is to face January 1st without credit debt due to holiday (over)spending... Oh well, that's a new thread, huh? ((((HUGS&PRAYERStoJenny)))

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Sorry Jenny, I must be on a roll here, PLUS I miss ya! But anyway, another thing I have discovered is when I open up about my past, I find out that my friends are not perfect either! I recently found out that one of my girlfriends had an affair and her husband is physically abusive and she is afraid of him. I never would have suspected... I believe that because I took that step of opening up, she felt comfortable opening up and we were able to remove a few bricks from that wall between us and SEE each other and no judging...

BINThere, I JUST found these last 2 posts! Silly me! That's really powerful about your girlfriend--we put on our best faces for everyone, but you know we all have crosses and tribulations... WOW