I found out 6 mos. ago that my H of 31 yrs. has been involved with someone for 5 years. I am so angry that I didn't realize it before June. After repeated requests to let him keep her as a friend only I finally left to think out what my future should be. When I came back I find him begging me to stay in the marriage and give him yet another chance to work it out with me. He really doesn't want me to leave and he doesn't want to be alone. He even forwarded me a copy of the email she sent him in response to his that she would not make a commitment to him yet again and would remain with her H. Am I just second best or did he really never intend to leave me for her and was hoping I would finally find out? I am so confused and am not sure that I should stay with him or not, but I do feel that I love him still. Help!
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Dear WTWIO

What is worse that finding out that everything you believed in was a lie? Nothing. We have all been where you are right now; assessing the damage, going through the shock and grieving process and trying to determine if we are winning our marriages back by default.

The truth is that we are not second best at all but that the spouse is experiencing confusion and in his own foggy thinking, afraid that the damage they have caused is so insurmountable that the Betrayed Spouse will never forgive them, so instead, for a while, they consider going to the OW. But, few do. It happens but it is rare.

If your husband wants to rebuild the marriage and put the OW in the past and you are willing to move forward and go into recovery yourself, then you have come to the right place.

Dr. Harley has provided for us this site and this forum for people dealing with infidelity and the special circumstances surrounding an OC. Harley's principles for recovery are simple and straightforward and many couples who study these principles together find their way back to each other.

Both of you should begin by reading everything on this site, studying the principles and incorporating the Rules of Honesty and Protection into your lives along with the all important Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Once you and your husband fully understand these principles and make them a way of life, you will rebuild your marriage into something wonderful and rebuild your trust over time.

Is there an OC (other child) born of their affair? Have DNA results proved paternity? Has he been paying CS?

Give us a little more information so we can better help you. Be good to yourself right now, you are experiencing the most painful thing that can happen to a marriage and you need time to get through the trauma of this discovery.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

Thanks Catnip! Your info. is very enlightening. I am still confused, but your words of wisdom have helped.
My H says the C is NOT his, and he said he asked her and she said it is not his. Can she tell from the blood type? She does have blond hair like him and does resemble him, but am I just imagining this? I found a disk that he had that had pictures of this child and also the last two emails, one to her from him and her reply back to him. He had forwarded me a copy of her reply, but cut some of it out, but not that much that really mattered. His was also cut, but all he said there was he wished he had someone to talk to ask ?'s about whether he should stay with me or not. He called our relationship a go nowhere existance and she was only willing to give him a few minutes a week or month or whatever as her job has her busy and her family keeps her busier now than in the past. If it is not his why does she feel the need to send him pictures of the C and why does he keep them? He said her H was not there for her when she was PG, (but apparently mine was). Mine was not really there for me when I was PG, but we were younger than and we are older and wiser now. I am having problems because I don't think I can ever trust him. After I found he copied the stuff to a disk I really doubt what he is trying to do with us is going to work although he copied it on 11/22 and we decided to call a truce and work on us for the next 30 days on 11/30. That was his idea, but I feel sometimes that was his only alternative as our daughter (who is married herself) has now guessed what has gone on. She only knows that he cheated on me and I did not tell her all of the pieces. I don't feel it is her business, only mine and my H's. She took it like an adult, as he thought she would drum him out of her and our GC's lives, and that did not happen, but I don't want him to feel to comfortable with that and think he can get away with OW again. I want him to know that breaking the secrecy is important and I will not lie to my daughter any longer. I am still considering leaving him after the New Year as I don't see how I can ever rebuild the trust. He doesn't want to go for joint counseling and I think that is because he is embarrased that I found out and that it had been going on all along as he keeps saying he made a big mistake, but if he felt that way, why did he ask if he could keep her as a friendly contact. Once you cross the bridge to lovers, I feel you can never go back to being friends and I really feel hurt he would have even suggested that to me. He knew it would never be accepted by me, but asked none the less. As far as I can tell, since 11/17, there has been no contact from or with her and I am trying to move forward in a positive way, but my insecurities are not helping. I imagine all sorts of things happening, and I sometimes look at him and know he is thinking or remembering times he had with her. I know I can't expect him to just forget her over night, but I doubt he ever will. He claims he loved or loves her very much, but also loves me and didn't want to hurt either one of us. And I wonder why after finding out I knew about them, she would even consider being in contact with him. If that had been me and I was the OW, I think it would make me shy away from the H and leave him alone for fear I may upset her family, which is what I finally did by calling her H and telling him his W had been F****** my H for the last 5 yrs. I am sure I caused problems in that house that weekend, but I have been experiencing problems for 6 mos. after finding out about her. I even emailed a note to her and she did read it, but as I suspected no response from her. I just wanted her to know some of the things I knew about her that I'm sure he would have kept from her to protect his relationship with her, such as the fact that I knew she was in my home and bed on several occassions, and maybe I did it out of spite, but I wanted her to know the pain I feel because of their actions. Was I wrong?
Well, I am trying to capture the Christmas spirit and have shopped, but my heart is not in it as I cannot decide if I am making the correct decision by staying here and trying to work it out. I feel that any day now she will pop into his life again and I have told him if that happens I am out of here and I will not look back this time.
God Bless you for your help and let me know what you think of my rambling.

Thanks Catnip! Your info. is very enlightening. I am still confused, but your words of wisdom have helped.
My H says the C is NOT his, and he said he asked her and she said it is not his. Can she tell from the blood type? She does have blond hair like him and does resemble him, but am I just imagining this? I found a disk that he had that had pictures of this child and also the last two emails, one to her from him and her reply back to him. He had forwarded me a copy of her reply, but cut some of it out, but not that much that really mattered. His was also cut, but all he said there was he wished he had someone to talk to ask ?'s about whether he should stay with me or not. He called our relationship a go nowhere existance and she was only willing to give him a few minutes a week or month or whatever as her job has her busy and her family keeps her busier now than in the past. If it is not his why does she feel the need to send him pictures of the C and why does he keep them? He said her H was not there for her when she was PG, (but apparently mine was). Mine was not really there for me when I was PG, but we were younger than and we are older and wiser now. I am having problems because I don't think I can ever trust him. After I found he copied the stuff to a disk I really doubt what he is trying to do with us is going to work although he copied it on 11/22 and we decided to call a truce and work on us for the next 30 days on 11/30. That was his idea, but I feel sometimes that was his only alternative as our daughter (who is married herself) has now guessed what has gone on. She only knows that he cheated on me and I did not tell her all of the pieces. I don't feel it is her business, only mine and my H's. She took it like an adult, as he thought she would drum him out of her and our GC's lives, and that did not happen, but I don't want him to feel to comfortable with that and think he can get away with OW again. I want him to know that breaking the secrecy is important and I will not lie to my daughter any longer. I am still considering leaving him after the New Year as I don't see how I can ever rebuild the trust. He doesn't want to go for joint counseling and I think that is because he is embarrased that I found out and that it had been going on all along as he keeps saying he made a big mistake, but if he felt that way, why did he ask if he could keep her as a friendly contact. Once you cross the bridge to lovers, I feel you can never go back to being friends and I really feel hurt he would have even suggested that to me. He knew it would never be accepted by me, but asked none the less. As far as I can tell, since 11/17, there has been no contact from or with her and I am trying to move forward in a positive way, but my insecurities are not helping. I imagine all sorts of things happening, and I sometimes look at him and know he is thinking or remembering times he had with her. I know I can't expect him to just forget her over night, but I doubt he ever will. He claims he loved or loves her very much, but also loves me and didn't want to hurt either one of us. And I wonder why after finding out I knew about them, she would even consider being in contact with him. If that had been me and I was the OW, I think it would make me shy away from the H and leave him alone for fear I may upset her family, which is what I finally did by calling her H and telling him his W had been F****** my H for the last 5 yrs. I am sure I caused problems in that house that weekend, but I have been experiencing problems for 6 mos. after finding out about her. I even emailed a note to her and she did read it, but as I suspected no response from her. I just wanted her to know some of the things I knew about her that I'm sure he would have kept from her to protect his relationship with her, such as the fact that I knew she was in my home and bed on several occassions, and maybe I did it out of spite, but I wanted her to know the pain I feel because of their actions. Was I wrong?
Well, I am trying to capture the Christmas spirit and have shopped, but my heart is not in it as I cannot decide if I am making the correct decision by staying here and trying to work it out. I feel that any day now she will pop into his life again and I have told him if that happens I am out of here and I will not look back this time.
God Bless you for your help and let me know what you think of my rambling.