I am a former WS who ended an 8 mo. affair approx. three years ago. Weeks after the affair had ended I discovered that OP was pregnant with my child; my confession to my W did not occur until I became aware of the pregnancy.
Despite seemingly incomprehensible odds, my W and I have stayed together and are, today, stronger than we have ever been. But recently we agreed to face a very large challenge: determining how to introduce my child from the affair, C, to our young children (ages 7 and 4).

I have been involved in C's life since he was born. I initiated the paternity process and fought for parental and visitation rights, I have also paid support and medical expenses from the start. This has been most difficult for my W, but not knowing C is the ONE thing I could not give up. My wife has seen C occassionally and is sure that she can love and accept C when we can fully integrate C into our family.

Now the question: does ANYONE have any experience in this area. We have talked with a counselor and a priest, but would LOVE to hear from someone who has "been here, done this." How did you do it? What did you say? How did go? What would you change?

Thank you.

I feel for you and your situation. I know that this is very difficult. My h and I chose the other route, no contact. (however, we provide monetary support and provide medical insurance)

If you choose to do this, you will of course just have to tell them the truth. What does your wife think?

God Bless

None,
there ARE members of this board who have contact and hopefully they will be along soon. It's kind of a slow week.

Good luck,
J
in recovery 4 years and glad

To the top of the heap

ntproud,,,,, i am on the other side of the coin from you as my wife had the affair and we kept the baby. peanut did not just appear into our household at the age of 2 but all my kids knew that dad could no longer have children, vasectomy. now all of a sudden mom is pregnant again. we were just honest with them as was age appropriate. the 7, 11, 12 yr olds were told simply that mom was having a baby and that dad was not the father. with the older ones we told them the same thing but with the fact that mom made a big mistake along with some other details such as who the father was and our plans were to try and work thru our difficulties.

my advice to you would be to tell them very much the same thing. that they have a new baby bro/sis whichever and that your wife is not the mother. your kids are so young that they will most likely just be over joyed to have this new sibling. when they are older and ask questions like why isn't the bay with us all the time you can explain that there was a time that you were very confused and made the mistake of thinking you liked someone else. and little bobby(ie) was created.

the main advice i can give you is to be honest with them and always tell them the truth when answering their questions.

much of how they handle and deal with this situation will be determined by how you and your wife deal with it. if there is a lot of fighting about the child then your kids will think something is wrong.

good luck, pops

I agree with POPS just tell them according to their young age, and you will be amazed at how loving and accepting young children are. My children saw me pregnant and new a baby was coming , saw her the day she was born, I have teens and younger ones, we just told them the truth.
They love me and their dad and they are crazy about this baby. SHe is their sister, They love her.
It isnt hard for kids to love. Good luck

<small>[ December 12, 2002, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Hello,
My Husband has a friend in your situation. He wouldn't even think of no contact and he and his W seperated. They are back together now though. While they were sep.,he had the OC over to his apartment and he had the 2 children from the marriage come over and spend the night with him and he introduced them that way. I'm not sure exactly what all he told them but his children were ages 9 and 7 at the time. I think the OC was 2 or something. The children understood that they had a sister that didn't have the same mommy as they did but they loved her anyway. His daughter, the 9 yr old, would read to the OC (also a girl) and play with her and the son played with her and sung her to sleep. Whenever they would go see their dad, they always asked if they could go pick up the OC. I think if you tell them something simple like what was suggested earlier, they will understand and love your OC as they would any other sibling.

I agree with Pops and Mo5....Honesty and age appropriate honesty is always the best policy.

I probably will never introduce our OC to our children of the home, but they will be told at the right time and in an age appropriate way.

Already my two oldest ones have "heard" things and I explained to them that there are some things going on and when they are old enough to understand, they will be told. They were satisfied with that for now.

We do plan to be honest and truthful and use it as life lesson of WHAT not to do in a marriage. I hope our children learn from their Daddy's mistake.

Let us know how it goes for you.

Twiisty