This is my first time posting so I'll start by sharing my story.

My H and I met in highschool and dated for 3 1/2 years before we were married in June of 2000. He was 21, I was 20. Our problems started early on and I guess we hoped they'd work themselves out. I started a new job in March of this year and quickly made friends with several of my co-workers. One of whom lived close by to me. He, my Hand I became very good friends.

Well obviously I wouldn't be posting here if something hadn't happend...

My H and I were spending less and less time together while the friendship between me and my coworker continued to grow. Oct 1st of this year the results of a pregnancy test came back positive and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the father of this baby is the OM.

The next day, I asked my dad if I could have coffee with him and I told him first. He's a very wise man and I knew that if anyone would still love me after this, it would be him. He took the news quite hard, but assured me that he still loved me and nothing would ever change that. He also assured me that I would have to tell my H sooner, NOT later. My in-laws happened to be in town that week for a visit (they're missionaries), and were staying with my H and I.

So my dad went back home to pick up my mom and they then picked up my in-laws for coffee. My dad had offered to tell them all while I talked to my H.

This isn't one of those stories where either my H or I would start off by saying, "We'd been married 2 1/2 years and were very happy/everything was wonderful/things were going great WHEN...". But I've been having a hard time understanding exactly why I did what I did - something I never would've thought myself capable of doing! We recently started reading Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" which was recommended to us by our MC. It feels like this man is reading my mind! I know he's couselled thousands of couples and done tons of research, but it feels like he's writting all these little "fictional" stories about me (!) except that my name's been changed. I noticed last night that there was also a website and spend about 3 hours last night reading, reading, reading.

So now I'll finally get to my question and why I'm even more confused now than before I found this site...

The first place I started here was with the Q&A Column, where, after reading many of the letters and responses, I found the fictional letters from the husband and wife who're dealing with the wife being pregnant with her lover's child. In Dr. Harley's advice to the husband he says "If [this child] were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce."

Well this WILL be the first child, and I DO still love this OM, and he IS single and wants nothing more than to love me and this baby (HIS baby) for the rest of his life! So what now?!

As I read through tons of the postings in this discussion forum, some of whom are dealing with this same situation, most of you say that the new baby in the lives of you and your WS has made it possible for you to fall in love again as you both fall in love with this child. And everyone (including Dr. Harley) says that what I feel for my lover (hey, it's only been two months - I'm no where near to being over him) is just a fantasty, not a reality, and our chance of success is only like 25%! Plus, if I leave my marriage and try to start a new life with my lover I'll anger God, who'll forgive me, but I'll be forfeiting all his blessing for my marriage. Any marriage!

Do you see why I'm confused? I'm totally sold on Dr. Harley, but he's saying he'd recommend divorce. Part of me has been dying to have someone give me that advice. I thought it was what I wanted to hear... but now I'm scared.

Even though I do want to be with my lover (I feel like he's the only other person in the world who wants to be excited about this baby and go through this with me), I've always felt that the RIGHT thing is to work on my marriage. I obviously married my H for a reason, and I've been holding out some sort of hope that we can get back to that place where we can love eachother again. But now Dr. Harley's saying that might not be the best or "right" thing to do. He's done all the counselling and all the research!

Sorry about the mini novel here, but my mind is going a mile a minute and my fingers are just vainly trying to keep up!

I know it's the holidays so things are slower, but I would love to hear from some of you. For those of you who are raising the baby of your WS's lover, would you have made the same decision if you didn't have any other kids in the picture? Most of the other posters had other kids and were older than my H and I. I feel like a bit of a baby in this forum.

Any and all advice/counsel will be most graciously received.

Amy

<small>[ December 12, 2002, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Amethyst03 ]</small>

Well Amy,

It looks like you and I are due about the same time, I'm due more mid-May (around the 15th).

Have you told your Husband yet? I think alot of decisions you have to make depend on what your H feels about any of this and if he wants to work on the marriage.

If you read all of Dr. Harley's SAA book, you will have read about how the fog or Bubble of the affair doesnt' really last long...and I think you are still in the fog about your OM.

I'm not clear on some of the things that you wrote, so I'll re-read, but if you haven't told your H that's the first step. If you have...what are his thoughts on this and is it possible that the baby could be his? Will you have a DNA test done?

If you want to make the marriage work out, then by all means, give it the old college try...at least you and your H will have said you tried.

I cannot answer as far as OM goes as I'm the BS in my situation and my circumstances are different from yours....Please keep posting and I'll re-read your post to make sure I'm answering this correctly.

What do you want to do? Right now you are torn in two directions. I guess first off you have to decide what you want and rule out that the baby could possibly be your H's.

Let us know what's up with you,
Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

Thanks so much for your response, Twiisty. I saw your name quite a bit during my maiden foray into this whole discussion forum.

I'll try to answer your questions and hopefully clear thinks up a bit (and try not to ramble too much!).

Yes, my H knows about the baby. So does my OM. There's no way this is my H's baby - that would've required us to have had sex during that time-frame. No, I keep pretty close track of things and I know for sure.

His initial reaction was, well, pretty much what you'd expect. As for the baby, in those first few days after I told him, he said things like, "I'll NEVER love this baby!" and "You took away my first-born child." Strong words like that coupled with the severe morning sickness I've been going through, generally resulted in me rushing to the bathroom (thank goodness I live in Canada and they have medication for morning sickness here!).

He's calmed down alot since then, and though we've gone back and forth about divorce a couple times, right now we're trying to work things out. But right now we're focussing mainly on our marriage and some of the things that lead up to the affair. We rarely, if ever, talk about the baby. No one really talks about it. My family knows everything. His family knows everything. We've also told a few of our close friends. Everyone has been very supportive, but still, no one talks about the baby. There's no congratulations, no ones asks us about names or what gender we'd want, etc, etc.

I know it's all my fault and this is the bed I've made, but I can't help feeling very alone in all this, as far as the pregnancy goes. I feel like I'm the only one that this baby really exists for cause I'm the only one that thinks about it or has any plans and dreams for its future.

I know what I'm asking my H to do - how hard it will be for him to raise someone else's child and be constantly reminded of what I did. He says that if he really loves me and really believes that I love him, than he'll naturally be able to love this baby too. I'd love to believe that, but he still has so much anger and hate inside him against my lover who was a good friend of his (a double betrayal there). I don't know how he can hate the OM and anything to do with him, but say he'll be able to love this baby. It's scary. And I don't know how long I'll have to wait for him to start to be excited about this with me, or if that's even possible.

My lover on the other hand is the only other person I feel is at all excited about this baby. Or at least he'd like to be. He's told me that he'll sign whatever he needs to for my H to adopt the baby if that's what I want. It was a very hard thing to do to tell him that he may not be able to have any contact with his own child. But in the end he wants me to be happy and he wants this baby to have a mom AND a dad that love it. Unfortunately at this point I can't assure him of either of those things for sure.

As for DNA testing, I'm not really sure how that works in Canada. I haven't looked into it cause I know whose baby it is. No question.

I haven't read SAA, but I know what you mean about still being in a fog about my OM. Everything I've read tells me this affair wouldn't work as a real relationship (contrary of course to what I might want to believe). I've read it in books, in the Dr. Harley's Q&A Column, and over and over again in these discussions. But then why would Dr. Harley encourage that fictional couple in the Q&A letter to get a divorce if there weren't any other kids in the picture? He described a situation in which case he WOULD recommend divorce - and that situation is MINE!

So now I feel like I'm doomed either way.

Did I say I wouldn't ramble? oops.

Amy

Hi, Amy,

I think Dr. Harley's counsel is wise. Firstly, it takes a remarkable spouse to be able to put the pain of an affair behind them. But second, for a spouse to be able to raise and love a child from that affair is even more remarkable. However, my two cents is that if both people want to restore the marriage - it is possible.

I can only say that because I've been right where you are now. H and I didn't have any other children, I was pregnant with OP's baby, OP wanted me to leave H and start a new life with him and his baby. However, my OP was was married with 3 children.

Which was a very big reason why I chose to stay with H. Also, my H's reaction to the pregnancy was not what I expected. Although he was very hurt over the fact that I had an affair, he said he understood why, was sorry for his part in contributing to my vulnerability, still loved me, and wanted me to stay and raise this baby as our own.

As far as problems go, I guess it was a good one to have - both men in my life saying they loved me, wanted me, and the baby. But it didn't make the decision making process any easier. In fact, it was agonizing.

By choosing to stay with H, I know I hurt MM very deeply. We were all set to be together - got an apt. and were ready to move in together. Then at the last minute, I backed out. But I was guilt-ridden over what I had done to my H, and as a Christian, knew I was on the wrong path with MM, and just wanted to right my wrongs.

Like you, I confided in my family as well as my pastor. Who were and continue to be a wealth of support.

I guess in your case, a lot is going to depend on your H's reaction to your news. He could want to call it quits and set you free. Then on the other hand, he could want you to stay together and work it out.

If you do decide to stay and work it out, it can be done. But its very difficult. Especially if you are in love with MM, as I was. Even now, a year later, I struggle on a daily basis with putting my feelings for him behind me and constantly second guess myself. But if you know in your heart the right thing to do is to stay with your H, then no other decision is going to give you peace.

The next decision after that one will be for your H and you to decide what kind of an "arrangement" you are going to have. MM and I went to NO-CONTACT which is the recommendation promoted at MB. For me, that hasn't been easy, but it has been necessary because of my lingering feelings for OM. But I can't work on my marriage with MM in my life. For me, I just can't do it, nor would I put my H through the constant anxiety that would create for him.

There are others here who have "open" arrangments where there is contact. I think of MomOf5 who stayed with her husband and yet her xMM is in her daughter's life and pays child support. She'll be the first to tell you that there are challenges to that arrangement too, but I think she is to be commended for all her effort(s) in making that arrangement work out as amicably as it can be, under the circumstances.

So either way, there are challenges. The most important thing is if you and H decide to stay together that you are in agreement about where to go from there - contact/no-contact/custody/child-support/visitation, etc.

I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here, but am glad that you have support, are reading, and learning.

I hope you find peace,
Noplacelikehome

Amethyst

Hi and welcome,

I can see your very confused, But your also very lucky , your parents love you and are very supportive of you, I am sure some do not have that.
I am not sure from your post if you want to move on or stay with husband, but from what I am reading , sounds like you know you should stay with your husband, if you were sure, you wouldnt have to think about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I dont know how long you were with this om, so I am sure that plays some factoring in there, Om AND I were years past the honeymoon, fog stage, so it is a little different.

I think your husband could love this baby, My husband was there when she was born and introduced every one to his baby girl. He loves her with all his heart. His heart strings are pulled at times, he hates to see her leave with om, But we do all share in things and are very friendly with one another, for my daughters sake, some days I pull my hair out, and want them to dissapear, and others , we do quite well as a team effort and its ok.
Now my husband and his wife of course have more difficulty with it then om and I do, were pretty comfortable with each other, unfortunately we are like old shoes and sosmetimes we forget, and he has been known to slip with a honey this or that, and catch him self later.
I cant say that I like sharing my daughter with someone, it isnt an easy thing, it hurts, every time she walks out that door. I work hard on being generous, when I want to be selfish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My advice to you is, if you love your husband, and OM is willing to give up his child and let you and husband raise him or her, then I say go for it, and make the best out of it. It can be done, all this sharing, but wow if you dont have to , then Thank God and move on, It is for the best.

I can not tell you what to do about your feelings for om, they will more than likely subside and fade away. But you will have to put it out of your head.
If you stay with your husband, you have to give it 100 percent, not just a little effort here and there.

Noplace, glad to see you posting.

<small>[ December 12, 2002, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

amst03,,,, it is sad to see that another has fallen into our litle pool of confusion. unfortunately i don't think you will be the last.

for you the choice is not a simple one if i read your post right but it must be done. you must choose whether you wish to stay with your h and rebuild or move on with your om. it has to be one or the other and i say (i am no expert by any means) as soon as possible. even though you are with child i think you should look at this from outside of the pregnancy if possible. what do you think your long term relationship would be like with om. also if you think that not only can your h forgive you but will you be able to look into his eyes in 2 yrs when he is have one of those flashback things and forgive yourself. this is where my wife is struggling so hard and i don't have those moments often and i try very hard not to show them when we are together.

as far as your marriage goes i really believe the continuence of it is in your h's hands. if he can't look at this child with complete love he may never be able to truely move past this. i know that the little peanut is innocent and i can tell you she is the cutest thing. we put her hair in pigtails about a month ago and i swear she was the spitting image of boo in the kids movie monsters inc. i actually thought of changing her pet name to boo. as much as i love and care for her sometimes it is hard for me to see her as my other kids especially when she is having one of those fussy nights or just wants to be held when i have something i want to get done.

this is only my opinion and i am not trying to persuade you in any one direction or the other. it was our ages and the fact that we have so large a family that kept me in my marriage. especially the fact that we still have young c's. i know that if we would have only had the 3 older ones i would have most likely been gone. also that we had a long history 28 yrs together which seemed a long time to throw down drain for (and granted it wasw a big one) my w's first mistake. also it was a relatively short affair compaired to some here that went on for many yrs.

you and your h have a lot of hard decisions to make. try getting somewhere quiet, staying calm and looking into each others eyes. listen to each others words but also look into each others souls thru the eyes. the eyes don't lie.

good luck and keep posting, pops

Dear Amethyst,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. The big difference between you and many of us on this board is that you have just started your marriage, and, at a very young age. You mention that you had problems almost from the start.

I agree with some of the others that what you must decide right now is whether you and your H are going to make an honest and complete effort to put your marriage first, rebuild, and love and raise your child together.

It is not just about your H's reaction, but also about your own. If you are truly in love with the OM -- not just in a fog -- it may be difficult for you to commit 100%.

I stayed with my H after he had an OC with another woman because we had a long-standing marriage that had been extremely good and satisfying in a number of ways. The marriage hit a bump in the road, but there was still plenty to salvage. There was also a strong sense of history, sharing, commitment, and love for each other.

You need to get in touch with your own feelings and decide if saving your marriage is what you really want. You also have to have a very honest conversation with your H to determine if he can get past the pain.

Many of us on this board know exactly how he feels when he says you took away his first-born child. That is a very powerful emotion and needs to be addressed. There is nothing worse than a child being treated with indifference through no fault of their own because the adults around have baggage.

No one can tell you what to do, Amy, but we can point out the obvious choices and how you have to arrive at the choice that is right for you. Listen to your heart and be guided by what it is telling you.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience for a woman and I hope that you will be able to find some joy and normalcy in the situation eventually. For your family and friends, it must be difficult to know how to act. They know your H is not the father and probably don't want to feel that they are rubbing it in by asking the usual questions about names and gender, etc.

All of this is new and you are just finding your way. Give yourself a bit of time and most of all give yourself a break. You made a mistake but you need to think carefully so that you don't compound that mistake with others.

You will be in my prayers,
love,
heavenly

Hi Amy,

I can say that I it is possible to move on from your situation, I am in a similar situation. My WW is 8 months preg (due mid Jan) and I can honestly say that I am excited about the comming baby. I do have a 2 1/2 year old daughter as well so I can understand your H finding this a lot harder. I honenstly don't know how I would have handled my situation if this was our first pregnancy.

The main issues that I encountered in dealing with my WW preg that resulted from an A was the contact with OM. Lucky for me the OM has moved away (interstate) and only want's limited updates on twhat is happening with the OC (our son)

If you intend to have your H bring up the OC as his own this may be possible, but only if the OM is completely out of the picture. If you are asking your H to try for your marriage you must put your marriage first. This is possible but only if you can put your hart into it. This will be a long haul for both you and your H.

These were the main issues that I encountered with my situation, but if you are still feeling that your future is with the OM you really need to step back from everything and work out if your H is what you want?

I hope this helps, I can expand on issues that I encountered more if you want,
Newhope.

amethyst03,

My WW and I have been, and basically still are, in the exact situation as you, your hubby and OM. To the letter exact except we are in our 30's and have been married with no kids for 13 years.

I only have one piece of advice I'd like to offer you until I find out more of your situation(what needs your husband meets for you, and what needs the OM meets).

My sole advice is this: Please, PLEASE, please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> don't make any decisions b4 you are 100% sure of the facts and the feelings involved. Emotion will eventually drain away. Then and only then will you be able to make a decision you can look back on in 5 years and have no regrets about it.

I must respectfully disagree with my good friend Pops' quote....."for you the choice is not a simple one if i read your post right but it must be done. you must choose whether you wish to stay with your h and rebuild or move on with your om. it has to be one or the other and i say (i am no expert by any means) as soon as possible." I think the choice is very simple, but very important to your future and how your whole life will play out. It's like chess, the rules are very easy to learn, the challenge is playing well. Any fool can learn the rules and play, a man of wisdom will learn the rules knowing that is just the beginning of a long journey before he can say he plays well.

You can learn the options you have. there is a 3rd option: living alone until you figure out which man is "right" for you, if any. There is no law or set guidlines for this.

If you make a quick decision before you know ALL the facts and emotions of all involved, you are playing this like the fool. If you learn the options you have, but wait to make your decisions until your "fog" wears off and you can see all the facts and emotions for what they truly are, you may master a very important decision in your life(maybe the 2nd most important you will ever make). I wouldn't even buy a car or choose a retirement plan or etc. etc. etc..... if I knew I was in a fog that distorts logic and therefore drastically hinders my normal ability to make sound decisions and judgements that will dramatically effect my future.

I pray you will wait until you have breached the fog that is sometimes so deceiving that it tells you even though you know you are in it,you can make good decisions anyway. Like the drunk dude that walks out to his car thinking he won't have any trouble at all driving. The same drunk dude who earlier that day made many rational and proper decisions.

I'll end with a quote from another,heavenlybody writes, "Give yourself a bit of time and most of all give yourself a break. You made a mistake but you need to think carefully so that you don't compound compound that mistake with others." Good sound advice from where I stand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

peace to all
tim

John 2:13-16 "How dare you turn my fathers house into a market!" Jesus

Is the reason for Christmas the tree, the presents, the relatives houses,the massive amount of money spent on advertising and consumers buying gifts out of duty in many cases? How often do you think of celebrating the birthday of someone who changed the world during your christmas festivities? Merry christmas to all and to all, a happy new year.

tuff,,,, thank you for pointing out the fact of time in making her decision. i did not mean for her to have a 1 hour talk with h and go for a walk then decide. by making the right choice as soon as possible i meant she needs to weigh all the facts and then decide. the longer she takes to finalize her decision means the less chance she will have to rebuild her marriage (LBers to h) if he is willing to try. for me fh was in a relatively short ea of 3 months and had a 2 night stand at about 6 weeks. pa was simpply counted back from her delivery date. i had decided to say to heck with this she wants out so bad let her go and began dating and looking for other women for a potential new relationship.

you did make a very good second point in the fact that separating herself from both men will allow her to see things more clearly without influences from either one with the old "i will love you forever " stuff. wish i had done this with fh but i feared that we would have divorced had this happened as i am not the kind to look back in a relationship.

just an opinion from my perspective is that h has said he will love her in spite of this heart wrenching developement in the marriage. when did om's real deep feelings of love for her start? before or after the pregnancy was discovered?

by the way tuff, how are you and your wife doing? maybe you could post on another thread so as not to confuse this one. and i didn't view your post as a difference of opinion you just added more details about how to come to a sound decision.

i only have one thing to say and that is we, none of us, knows what tomarrow will hold. i don't think you can base a choice on something ofthis grandure by trying to figure out the future. instaed you must base your choice on what you have experienced in the past and are experiencing at the present. an example would be if fh and myself were to stand up and give a testamony at church for the 6 services there with approx. 3000 people at each service i could assume that the christian community in attendance would give us a standing ioation for our commitment to our wedding vows. then again they could say nothing and cosider me a fool for putting up with her and she a fool for not realizing what most people in everyday life would consider a string of bad decisions. one never knows what the future will hold that's all i'm saying.

off to work, pops

tuff,,,, thank you for pointing out the fact of time in making her decision. i did not mean for her to have a 1 hour talk with h and go for a walk then decide. by making the right choice as soon as possible i meant she needs to weigh all the facts and then decide. the longer she takes to finalize her decision means the less chance she will have to rebuild her marriage (LBers to h) if he is willing to try. for me fh was in a relatively short ea of 3 months and had a 2 night stand at about 6 weeks. pa was simpply counted back from her delivery date. i had decided to say to heck with this she wants out so bad let her go and began dating and looking for other women for a potential new relationship.

you did make a very good second point in the fact that separating herself from both men will allow her to see things more clearly without influences from either one with the old "i will love you forever " stuff. wish i had done this with fh but i feared that we would have divorced had this happened as i am not the kind to look back in a relationship.

just an opinion from my perspective is that h has said he will love her in spite of this heart wrenching developement in the marriage. when did om's real deep feelings of love for her start? before or after the pregnancy was discovered?

by the way tuff, how are you and your wife doing? maybe you could post on another thread so as not to confuse this one. and i didn't view your post as a difference of opinion you just added more details about how to come to a sound decision.

i only have one thing to say and that is we, none of us, knows what tomarrow will hold. i don't think you can base a choice on something ofthis grandure by trying to figure out the future. instaed you must base your choice on what you have experienced in the past and are experiencing at the present. an example would be if fh and myself were to stand up and give a testamony at church for the 6 services there with approx. 3000 people at each service i could assume that the christian community in attendance would give us a standing ioation for our commitment to our wedding vows. then again they could say nothing and cosider me a fool for putting up with her and she a fool for not realizing what most people in everyday life would consider a string of bad decisions. one never knows what the future will hold that's all i'm saying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

off to work, pops

sorry for the double post but was playing with the gremlins and finaly figured out how they work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> now if i could figure out how to delete these double popsts i'l be set. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

pops,

great post

i am off to bed and no chance to post again 'til monday or tuesday probably. like you say, you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow though.

i will commit to your idea and post an update

peace
tim

the more i read the Bible, the more i wanna read it. It humbles, strengthens, cleanses, directs, upholds, teaches, disciplines, motivates, and most of all, opens my eyes to a whole new and glorious world of spiritual bliss and a wonder that has no top. I know my mind cannot fathom the true glory of God and I love that fact. To me, an unfathomable God gives me an unbelievable security and peace that runs through me like a river when I am doing what He wants.

I don't know where that just came from, but it feels good to get it out and it makes me realize how deep my faith has become.

Wow. I'm overwhelmed by the responses I've received. I found this site, what is it, 4 days ago? I can't believe the difference it's made in how I feel and how I look at my situation... my life doesn't seem so hopeless anymore. Again, wow! And thank you all so much.

A few of you have mentioned things or asked some additional questions, so here goes:

Noplacelikehome, sounds like you know almost exactly what I'm going through. I hate myself for the pain I've cause my H. I haven't talked much about him, but it's suffice to say that he's an incredible person. Our similarities are sometimes uncanny, especially in the way we were raised and general family dynamics. He's been with me through my mom's cancer, my dad's near death after an organ transplant, marriages in my family, deaths in my family (including the very tragic loss of our baby nephew)... all the major milestones in my life from my senior year in highschool til now can be marked by his presence. I never would've imagined for a moment that I'd be capable of betraying him like I did.

But as this situation we're going through is still pretty fresh and new, I don't know if he's come to the point that your H has. You said that "Although he was very hurt over the fact that I had an affair, he said he understood why, was sorry for his part in contributing to my vulnerability, still loved me, and wanted me to stay and raise this baby as our own." Your H sounds like an incredible man too.

It's not that I'm in anyway trying to get away from my responsibility in what I did, but I've always felt that my A wasn't what was causing problems for my H and me. It was a symptom or a result, for lack of a better word. Albeit, I know it was a choice that I made, but our marriage was ripe for it. My H is having a hard time seeing his part in it and gets easily defensive about it. I don't push it, cause the last thing I want him to think is that I blame him entirely for what I did. Oh, but I'd love for him to say that he actually WANTS to raise this baby with me! I know he's WILLING to do it and will be a great father, but he's made it pretty clear that what he WANTS is for me NOT to be pregnant! But I know he's still very much hurting.

It definitely is a wonderful AND agonizing thing to be loved by two men - and to love two men. You described my life in a nutshell when you talked about "second guessing" yourself! Sometimes I'd love to have someone come along and just TELL me what do. I don't trust myself to make the right decision. I obviously haven't displayed much good judgment lately!

I'll fill you all in a bit more about me and the OM. Our A lasted a relatively short period of time compared to some that I've read about here. We met in March of this year, saw eachother everyday at work, hung out a couple nights a week (usually with my H and others), and every night on the weekend. My H got more and more involved in golf as the spring and summer wore on and I guess at the time it was convenient for both of us (my H included) for me to have someone to hang out with. It made him feel less guilty about spending 5-6 hrs golfing with friends if he knew I wasn't home alone. I guess the A officially started around the middle of June (although the feelings had been around longer) and it physically got started about a month later when my H was out of town for 4 days in July. It ended when I told my H I was pregnant Oct 1st, so that's about 3 1/2 months.

I've seen my OM only twice since then. We emailed a bit a first, but decided to stop. I talked to him a couple times on the phone. But the fact that I wasn't having any contact with him wasn't really a choice I made of my own free will. It was something I did cause I didn't feel like a had any other choice. But even though I wasn't talking to him or seeing him, I still thought about him every day, and dreamt about seeing him.

A couple weeks ago, I told my H that I needed to see my OM. I had to say goodbye. Some women might be able to love two men, but it was killing me. Killing me! He wasn't too excited about the thought of me seeing him, but he sort of understood why I felt I needed it. Sort of the whole NC thing, though I hadn't read about it in those terms yet.

So last week I went over to OM's place and we spent most of the afternoon together. Nothing physical except a hug when I got there (that felt WONDERFUL) and him holding me when I cried and wiping away my tears. I know that when I called and asked if I could see him, he was hoping I'd have very different news to tell him. He wanted to hear that he and I were going to finally be together. What I told him was that my H and I are working on things, and I couldn't keep loving him (OM) and have him waiting for me to come back to him. It had to be goodbye and not just goodbye-for-now. It was so hard to do, but I did it. Not to say that I haven't second guessed myself since.

I'm especially torn about the baby and the doubts I have about whether my H will be able to love it like his own. When I read some of your post about your H's or even your own reactions and love for babies born of the same situation, it makes me cry. But then it also gives me some hope.

Then again, many of you admit that if you were in the same situation as my H and me (young, relatively short marriage, no other kids), you likely would've chosen differently.

Like pops, I do feel a certain sense of urgency as far as a decision. Right now my H and I are trying to work on things, but I know that in another 5 months we are going to have another very real issue to deal with. I don't want to put a time line on things, but like heavenly says, babies are innocent and shouldn't be treated with indifference cause of adult baggage.

I thought about the idea of getting away from both guys for a time. The idea is certainly appealling. It's easy for me to miss my OM and what he did for me cause it's now being denied (plus I just end up thinking and dreaming and fantasizing even more - and everything can look good in your imagination). So maybe getting away from my H will give me the chance to miss him and really see what my life would be like without him and what HE does for me. My only fear is that he'll take it negatively, thinking that I don't want to be with him. I'll have to think some more on it.

At this point, all I can really say is that I'm committed to making the "right" decision, whatever that may be. Right now that means working with my H to see if we can salvage our marriage and build a loving home for ourselves and this baby. I'm not going to rush into anything and then regret my decision. I'm going to keep reading and keep learning and I'm certainly NEVER going to go through anything like this again!

I mentioned before that both of our families (parents and siblings), and several of our friends know about our situation and have been very supportive of us. But here, I've found people who not only offer wonderful advice, but a place that I've found love, warmth, support and most importantly/amazingly, understanding. People who either know what I'm going through or what my H is going through and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel! I thank God for all you wonderful people who I've never met!

Amy

amethyst,
Welcome to the board!

I don't have the number, but I know you can call Harley counselors for private advice and you might particularly benefit from that.

Obviously you're not going to decide your life by public poll, but I weigh in on the side of chosing your husband. Even though you do not have children together yet, you did take vows before God to marry until death do you part. Your H has the right to give up on your marriage based on your adultery, but if he is willing to keep trying to make your marriage work (2way street!!), I'd run with that. ALL relationship issues/problems you have in this marriage you would take into your relationship with your lover... as they say, same [censored] different day. In the long run, you will both learn more by forgiving learning with and loving your spouse.

Just my 2c.
Prayers,
J in recovery 4y and glad I stayed

Hi, Amy,

You wrote,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's not that I'm in anyway trying to get away from my responsibility in what I did, but I've always felt that my A wasn't what was causing problems for my H and me. It was a symptom or a result, for lack of a better word. Albeit, I know it was a choice that I made, but our marriage was ripe for it. My H is having a hard time seeing his part in it and gets easily defensive about it. I don't push it, cause the last thing I want him to think is that I blame him entirely for what I did. Oh, but I'd love for him to say that he actually WANTS to raise this baby with me! I know he's WILLING to do it and will be a great father, but he's made it pretty clear that what he WANTS is for me NOT to be pregnant! But I know he's still very much hurting.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The same goes for me in that my affair wasn't what caused the (initial) problems between my H and I. I was vulnerable because of my husband's neglect of me and our relationship and was a "sitting duck" for an affair. Like you, I'm not trying to avoid taking responsibility for my choice(s), however, had we had a stronger marriage to begin with, I would not have even been tempted. And I don't mean to make it sound like on d-day my H wasn't mad, upset, and downright exasperated with me. But in time he came around. Its a process. And as time goes on and he sees my growth, and our relationship grows, things get a little better. But those initial problems must be addressed or things will end up right where they did before, only now you'll have a baby added to the mix.

One difference between our situations though are our ages and length of marriage. My H. turns 50 next week and I'm 36. We'll be married 11 years in Feb. If I were your age and only married 2 years, I might have felt differently about my situation and chosen a different path. Plus, your OM isn't married, like mine was. Also, were my husband much younger, he might have responded differently to my affair and resulting pregnancy - perhaps maybe not with so much maturity and the ability to see and own his own responsibility in the whole thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to give your husband time to come around. If you really want him, and him to be the father of your child, then you've got to show him you mean business. And the only way I know of to do that is to cease all contact with OM and cling like hell to your marriage. Get into counselling, read together, talk together, have fun together. Show him that he's the one you love and he's the one you want. All that will go a long way towards him accepting you and the baby.

I saw that someone advised you to counsel with Dr. Harley and I think that's a great idea. I can only share with you my experience, but he can help you based on his wealth of knowledge and thousands of others he has worked with.

Wishing you well,
Noplacelikehome

amethyst,
I certainly have no advice. Only sharing of some of my feelings and experiences:

During my first marriage I had an affair. My husband was a very rational, logical and non-emotive man. He felt very "safe" for someone (me!) who had been raised by a very emotionally and verbally abusive father. 10 years into our marriage I got into therapy. As I "grew" and healed old emotional wounds, I decided that I valued my feelings and felt that I had found a missing piece of myself. Long story short,
my husband didn't want to "find" that part of himself. Refused to go into counseling with me. A man came along who was "in touch" with his emotions and feelings. I thought that he was my soul mate. I had never felt that way about anyone before. He was also married and had marital problems for years. He had wanted his wife to go for counseling, but she kept refusing. Finally, she agreed to go to counseling. He broke it off between us. I accepted that decision. I thought I was going to die, truely. I didn't know how I would ever make it though my life without him. I felt that I had been given this wonderful "gift" of the knowledge of "true love", and now it was lost to me. I eventually divorced my husband. I kept on holding out hope that my "soul mate" would eventually come back to me. He did contact me at one point, having separated from his wife, but I was in counseling with my husband at that time trying to make it work. Y-e-a-r-s later, (10 !!), I have finally let go of the idea that he was my soul mate. I have finally recognized that our short term relationship/affair wasn't reality based. We never had to deal with daily life realities, mutual problem solving, etc. In spite of what he consciously believed, I now don't think that he would have "allowed" himself to be in a close, loving intimate relationship. I'm glad that I can be at peace with this whole relationship now, even if it took me years. Luckily, I didn't have a pregnancy to complicate the situation.

Secondly, I've just gone through a divorce from my second husband who had an affair with a younger woman, resulting in a pregnancy.(OC: DOB:06-15-02. OW is 21 years old! We're both 47 years old! I guess what goes around,comes around.)What a year of horrendous pain, anger, and deep depression. I still love him, and we are talking about reconciliation. The OC is now six months old. I met him when he was about 3 months old and he comes over with my ex a couple of times a week. He has Down syndrome, so there's been a few extra concerns. This has been a very gradual, tentative relationship. One I would have originally never, ever, thought that I would even think about much less do!! We still don't know for sure if he's my ex's. Can't afford DNA testing, and she's not filed for child support, yet, for child welfare to pay for testing. (He's been helping support her and the OC all along.) We each have two children from previous marriages, none together, by choice. We felt we were too old to start another family!!! Sometimes this hurts. Anyway,, I love this little guy! he's so precious!! Something about seeing his eyes light up at seeing the Christmas tree lights, and look trustingly into my face when I rock him and give him his bottle puts life in prespective.("Dad" changes the diapers!!) I'm not sure I would want full time responsibility for him. Although I've talked once to his mother, I haven't had any regular contact with her. I'm sure that would complicate my feelings more, as she can be quite an opinionated controlling ***** according to my step-daughter. Don't know how any of this will end, but that's where we're at now. You're in my thoughts! Take care!

Let me add to the confusion:

Since you have a good relationship with the child's father, and you have no children with your hubby, and all involved are young, why don't you attempt a relationship with the OP?

Three reasons I suggest this:
1. I don't believe most men will ever fully accept a child conceived via an affair. Of course I might be wrong, but just reading thru this site, (and bear in mind this is a VERY pro-marriage site), I see posts from guys who either insist on the child being aborted, or state unconditionally they would divorce their wife if this occured. IMHO guys who FULLY accept these kids into their hearts are the exception. (I know I couldn't - I'm too selfish.) Even if he wants to forgive and forget the legal implications your hubby faces by taking own your child as his are huge.
2. For the child's BEST INTERESTS, I believe that you should be with his/her father.
3. Since you and hubby are both young, splitting now gives him lots of time to find another partner whom he may want to start his own family with.

What I don't understand putting the "sanctity" of marriage ahead of doing whatever you feel is best for your child, once you decided to keep it.

Then again, like most people here I have issues/problems of my own, (sexual addiction - very disgusting!), and sometimes can't see the forest for the trees. Also, I don't have any religious affiliation, and so don't view marriages as a "holy contract with God", or anything like that.

What would the Harleys recommend you do? Have you contacted them?

I have been reading your story like a book. Unfortunatley, it is very similar to my dreadful situation and I am finally getting to a point where I am looking for help.

I may be pregnant with OM's baby. He is married and so am I (me and hubby--nine years, known each other for 13). OM's wife is pregnant with their first and they have been married 2 years with lots of marital probs. My husband goes away on 6 month deployments with the military and it is like I cannot be alone. This is the fourth time I have cheated, but this is the first time that I really love the guy (or I am in that horrendous fog).

My hubby knows about the first A and we worked it out, although I was reluctant (never quite ever felt hubby was the one for me but we get along well). We have some attention and abandonment issues that ALWAYS resurface. My hubby is very serious and I often feel neglected emotionally and physically. I don't try to use this as an excuse, but I guess I am finally thinking that I need to get away but I am too scared to leave. We are both in our early 30s and being with him is all I know. My job isn't that great (he makes the money) and there are the family disappointment issues.

I am not sure if I am pregnant yet...a few days to go to know for sure. I am going over my options and guess they are basically:

1. Leave and do it all on my own (not very practical but the most appealing to me)
2. Tell him about the OM and the preg (he will probably stay but then there are all of the acceptance issues stated here about raising the baby)
3. Let hubby think it is his kid and tough it out as I have been since the first A

I am really miserable and the only time I feel happy is when I am away at work (or with the OM, of course, because he treats me like I wish my hubby would treat me). Funny thing is that I never really wanted to have kids with my hubby, and we recently had that discussion, because of all of the issues we have with each other. But now all of a sudden, I am so excited to have the OM's baby even though I may never tell him and he probably won't ever be in my life. What is up with that?

Please let the bashing being. I need direction.

Three Strikes,

I'm gonna start first with what you said last... and I seriously doubt you'll get much "bashing" here. No one is here to beat up on you, but to help you. And with that in mind, I'd encourage you to start a new thread so people can read your story and respond and not get it all confused with mine (not that I mind at all that you posted here! So sorry you're here, but glad you came).

My H's older brother is a former US Marine. He didn't get married until he was through with his 4 1/2 year stint (or whatever they call it), but I know how hard it would've been for my sister-in-law to have been left alone during his 6 month floats. Military men certainly are the serious type. But then again, that's their job. You mentioned emotional neglect and some attention and abandonment issues... I think that since your H's job is his life (and his job requires very little emotion, if any at all), it's probably hard to just turn it all back on when he gets home. Especially when he's used to a very strict and ordered way of life for six months at a time.

Have you read any of Harley's books? If not, put them on your Christmas list! You'll probably feel like I did once my H and I started to get into them... "this guy is reading my mind!" He's counselled thousands of couples and he definitely knows what he's talking about.

Right now, it sounds like you're struggling with the same questions, fears, and doubts that I did in those days when I was suspicious that I might be pregnant but wanted to wait a few more days before getting tested. I kept telling myself, "Maybe I'm late cause I'm stressed out! That MUST be it!" Even after the positive pregnancy test, I only truly resigned myself to the fact after seeing it at the ultrasound. There really IS something in there...

If you reread the replies that I got to my initial post, you'll see that most people recommend that you take your time making a decision of this importance. Personally, I wouldn't let your H assume the baby is his. After all the lies, deceit, and hurt that're already a part of your marriage, the thing to do is NOT to add more lies. As hard as it'll be to tell your H the truth, telling him now will be much less painful than telling him years from now. Besides, he might surprise you.

If you're afraid to tell him to his face, maybe consider writting him a letter. Write up a draft, post it here, and get advice. There will be plenty, I'm sure. There are people here who've been through it all and can now look back with much more clarity and can therefore be of great help to you.

Yours is a situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I say that from personal experience. What's happend to your marriage is a tragedy and the circumstance in which you got pregnant is a tragedy. That said, amidst all your pain and confusion right now, don't forget that you have a new life inside of you! That's still a beautiful and wonderful thing!

Keep reading and keep posting,

Amy