Maybe just a vent...Today is 1 month exactly. I am in a waffle state. I do love my husband but wonder at what cost to me? Questions in my head....(feel free to jump in and help me answer them)

** With an oc in the picture - either contact or no contact...does the pain ever REALLY GO AWAY??? or is it just hidden until the next episode?

**What is her (ow's) cross to bear? She isn't raising the kid alone (there's a boyfriend), she's gonna get plenty of $$$, and she (along with my H) has ruined my life.

**did you ever wonder if you made the right decision to stay?

**What do I get out of this mess besides heartache and pain?

**Am I deciding way too early that I forgive him? I am in constant prayer and God is working on me but I struggle with these feelings so I wonder if he's really working in me or if I'm just hoping.

**I wonder if my H ever feels guilty? Does he feel depressed? Does he have any frickin clue as to what he's done? Will his pain ever be anywhere close to mine? Would I feel better if he were suffering and moping around?

**I wonder if I'm just too chicken to leave so I stay and try to pretend that we can work this through. I wonder if I'll always feel that I can't address any real topics because he might run to her (or another OW).

**And, I wonder, once a cheater, always a cheater? Or, did he only learn his lesson because of impending financial obligations? I am sure he would have never told me if there wasn't an OC. Is he upset about that or the fact that he had the affair in the first place?

UGH!!!! I can't stand this. I can't stand the steps forward and backward - I can't stand the thoughts in my head - I can't stand that there's no magical wand and I really can't stand that I don't know where I'm heading....I don't like to wander through life.
I can't stand questioning everything he says - I can't stand questioning his motives - I can't stand questioning his whereabouts (that's just too controlling and talk about nagging...ugh)
I can't stand the thought of him working his a** of until he's 60 to pay for this oc. I can't stand that I don't know what I love you, or my wedding rings mean anymore.

So, we've been married 9 years, (three of it were lies if I count the time from when they met, through pregnancy,and up to present) and the books say it's gonna take me that long to get over this really so that takes me up to 12 years with this man. 6 years of decent marriage, three of lies, and three to get over those lies? It's a toss up.
I do love him - no doubt. I would never have done this to him - no doubt. God is certainly on my side and I feel like a failure that it's not happening faster. I feel like a failure that I couldn't keep my man at home and I feel like a failure that I can't protect myself from all this pain and hurt. I feel like a failure for crying. I feel like a weak woman for staying - I feel like an abused spouse that just doesn't have the courage to leave.

So, here I am - having a pity party. Asking God to help me out of the lions den. Asking God to give me peace. Asking god to show me how He manages to take our sins and cast them to the sea and never to bring them up to us again. When God forgives us he doesn't come back later (at any point) and say, why did you do that in the first place? And he doesn't say, how can I punish you? He just says that he forgives us and remembers our sin no more. Can I ever be like that? Can I ever really love him like God loves us? That's a big goal.
Just don't know if I can.......

Prayers to us all!

Angelia

I know how you feel and although there's no OC I have experienced the same ups and downs. Ask God to help manage your emmotions that really helped me also Trust God I know that sounds so simple but it is the hardest thing for me to do. trust him that even if your H does leave God will give you the strength to get through that. However God is in the marraige saving business so you have Him on your side if you want to see this thing through. You are not a failure at all don't believe that for a minute you are working to hold your marriage and family together and there is nothing more honorable. What you could get out of this is a lot, a closer relationship w/your H. A better understanding of God as you allow Him to work in your marriage and the ability to be able to help someone else some day who may be in your sitation or on the other side of the coin about to commit adultery. Just know that everything you are going through is normal for someone in your position, but don't lose hope it can and will get better. Are you going to counseling? What is your h position, does he still care for OW, is he trying to make it work? See if you can do the emmotional questionare and love buster questionare w/your H. The two of you can figure out some creative ways to rebuild the trust so you won't feel like a nag. Remember you are not a chicken, weak, or a failure. Hope something I said helped.

Angelia,

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. As a former OW I thought I might be able to shed some light on one of your questions:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> **What is her (ow's) cross to bear? She isn't raising the kid alone (there's a boyfriend), she's gonna get plenty of $$$, and she (along with my H) has ruined my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can only speak for myself and from my perspective, but my cross to bear is that I have to live with what I did. That I wiped my feet all over my marriage and contributed to the demise of someone else's marriage. Amazingly, we both went back to our marriages and are trying to make them work, but not a day goes by where I don't regret the pain I caused everyone involved and deal with the aftermath.

Also, I have to live with the fact that OM wants nothing to do with our child. There's something that really shakes me to the core about that. I guess its because I want my child to have everything, have everyone love and appreciate him and see what an amazing person he is. For his own biological father not to acknowledge him is a rejection, and as his mother, it hurts me very deeply.

Next, (and I don't mean to offend any BS's here and won't dwell long on this point) but I have to live with the fact that although I thought OM and I had something special, it turned to ash and blew away in the wind. Not sure if its because emotions are so intense when in an affair, but I really thought this was the love of my life. I never expected things to turn out this way. Just goes to show that God knows best when he said not to commit adultery. 'Nuff said on that one.

Next, I also have to live with the fact that I hurt my husband beyond measure and put him in the position of raising someone else's child. Not that he minds at this point because he loves our son and we're trying to make this marriage work, but still... I began my relationship with OM thinking we were both on the verge of divorces and that I wasn't hurting anyone's marriage beyond how it was already hurt. But I was wrong. Neither one of our marriages were over. And to start a new relationship before a marriage is over is a definate lose-lose situation.

I hope this gives you some insight into how the other side feels. Its not rosy over here, either.

Hoping you find peace,
Noplacelikehome

Dear Angelia,

Here is my take on things, for what it is worth:

does the pain ever REALLY GO AWAY??
That intense pain that you feel sometimes at one month after D-day most certainly does go away but it does take time, and especially commitment to forgiveness and to change. There is no doubt that you will be changed forever and your marriage will be changed forever, but if you look at it in a positive sense, both can be better than you ever dreamed.

What is her (OW's) cross to bear?
Noplacelikehome said it so well. I fully agree with her that most OWs don't get off scot free. There is just as much pain, humiliation, betrayal for them as for us. My H definitely led the OW on and made her believe they had a future, when all he was doing was acting out a fantasy life. You can debate forever whether she had a right to dreams with your H. But the simple fact is whether she had a right, she did, and her dreams were dashed too.

What do I get out of this mess besides heartache and pain?
I got a much better marriage. My H and I learned to communicate our needs and our feelings to each other. I am no longer a bright-eyed, adoring fool. I am a woman with her eyes wide open, standing on her own two feet, and being half of an equal partnership. I like myself a lot better now and I have a sense of confidence that no matter what God has in store for me, I can handle it.

Am I deciding way too early that I forgive him?
Only your heart can tell you that. I always try to follow my heart and my instincts. When you look at your H and you see in him the qualities that made you marry him, and you still love those qualities, you know in your heart whether this is a marriage you want to work on, or one you want to throw away. But making the decision to forgive is not the end of the process. There will be doubts for a long time. You will go three steps forward and fall two steps back for a long time. All of that is part of the process of forgiveness. But there will come the day that you no longer want to wallow in self-pity, or hurt yourself over thoughts of the A. You will want to take back your own life. And on that day, you have truly forgiven and truly decided to move on. Give yourself time, it is a long process but I thought it was extremely worthwhile.

I wonder if my H ever feels guilty?
He probably does, but he is also probably avoiding his feelings. It is not easy being the one that caused such horrific pain to others. Hs tend to compartmentalize and to tuck their guilt feelings away. We, of course, especially in the beginning, want to SEE their suffering and for them to suffer as much as we are. Sometimes watching you suffer will already be more than your H can bear.

I wonder if I'm just too chicken to leave ...
We all struggle with that one in the beginning. And, only you know the answer. But, ask yourself one thing -- will your life be better if you leave? It will not change the betrayal that you feel, but it will take away the choice of rebuilding the marriage. There are many things that have to be weighed.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Sometimes that is true. But sometimes an A is a wake-up call to the spouse himself that the consequences are too high. This is one that you have to commit to God's hands. You have to trust him but at the same time make it clear that there are no more chances. If he fails you again, then that is the end of the marriage. I would not lie to you and say there is always a happy ending. Sometimes the problems in a relationship are so severe that the marriage was simply not meant to be. But on MB, nine times out of ten, marriages have gone on to become stronger, and improved.

You are not a failure. Your ability to keep your man at home may have had absolutely nothing to do with his A. Life is so hard, and relationships are so tenuous -- people look for challenges, experiment and then find the consequences were too high. Stop beating yourself up for someone else's problem.

Hang on, Angelia. Times are very rough at only one month after D-day, but they will improve with time.

love,
heavenly

angelia,
I agree with the other advice you've gotten. My heart goes out to you... your feelings are SO normal and you're doing really WELL for only 1 month into this!

God be with you,
J in recovery 4y and glad I stayed

Thanks to all of you who responded.
Noplacelikehome....I do not know that she is getting off scot free but I feel like she is probably able to move on better than me. I still feel like she gets to have it all. just my opinion and it's a hurtin one right now.
Heavenly: I got the book Torn Asunder this weekend. I've been reading non-stop....Some of it I read and thenre-read. He speaks of the choosing to forgive and the process as two separate things. He says you can't go through the process without the choice first. So, I think I've made the choice and am going through the stages. Boy, are they painful. I have asked H to read the book with me. For now, he says yes but I think he is truly over it and wants to get on with it.
I do not understand the 'compartmentalizing" stuff. I guess that means he can have me and her separate from each other? Not sure how that works...please explain.
Jenny: 1 month into it and you think I'm doing well. Thanks for that vote of confidence. I feel like I could just walk away or end my life now and it would be better. No, I'm not the suicidal type but I swear this pain is worse than anything I've ever suffered (I'm sure you all felt that way at one time) and to be told, you've got to get over it, is mind boggling.
I often read the other postings especially the recovery board and I feel pretty normal compared to those folks.
I have some unanswered questions about the affair and the possible oc. We've done the discovery weekend but some things keep nagging at me because they don't make sense.
So, I'm off for more reading....
Please continue to pray for me.

With an oc in the picture - either contact or no contact...does the pain ever REALLY GO AWAY??? or is it just hidden until the next episode?

I don't think the pain ever goes away, I think it just gets more easy to manage. I'm almost two years into it and I feel better today than I did a year ago. It's a gradual thing.

What is her (ow's) cross to bear? She isn't raising the kid alone (there's a boyfriend), she's gonna get plenty of $$$, and she (along with my H) has ruined my life.

I felt the same way you do about that question...but I feel that she suffers in her own way. We may not be around to see it, but I'm sure she has to live with her feelings and the fact that she didn't get what she wanted. (at least in my case) I know that revenge is God's and I know for a fact that it would be ever more just than what you or I can dish out. As for a ruined life, it may seem that way right now, but I had to make the choice to NOT let them ruin my life. That is something that I would have to have allowed and I'm not about to let my life get ruined.

did you ever wonder if you made the right decision to stay?

In the beginning I did question that and there's not doubt that for me, I did make the right decision. I look at it this way for me, OC has a Step-father and loving mother and friends and family of the OW's that love her and she has support. If I left, there would be 4 (almost 5) kids who would not have a Daddy. (He'd never be around after he had to pay two CS obligations plus alimony.) I didn't choose to stay because of the kids though, I chose because Mr."T" and I have over 17 years of history and intimacy with each other. I wasn't going to piss that away without giving it all I've got towards reconciliation.

What do I get out of this mess besides heartache and pain?

Honestly? You don't see it now, but looking back a year from now, even six months from now, you will be a stronger woman for this. You will find that you've changed and lots for the better. Lord willing you will have a stronger marriage with better communication as well as a committed life partner. I do. (even though at times I wonder still....lol!)

Am I deciding way too early that I forgive him? I am in constant prayer and God is working on me but I struggle with these feelings so I wonder if he's really working in me or if I'm just hoping.

Nope, it's never too early to forgive. I told ex-ow and Mr."T" that I forgave them the night ex-ow called me to share the "good news". Ex-ow told me on the phone that and I quote, "I didn't ask for nor do I need your forgiveness". Mr."T" was speechless. God is still working on me to avoid that root of bitterness that always threaten to grow there due to resentment about certain things, but I heard something that helped me in that area...Joyce Meyer said that we are three parts, Spirit, body and soul. Our spirit-man is quick to do what God wants and that is forgive, our flesh-man wants to scream, holler and kick and not forgive and get our pound of flesh from the guilty parties. Joyce said that once you forgive, it's done, but it takes a while for the rest of you to line up with the spirit-man as our "flesh" and our "spirit" are constantly at war with each other. Flesh wants to live for self and Spirit wants to live for God. It's a constant struggle and one that God will help you overcome. It can be done. One thing that helped me was that book I keep mentioning, "Forgiving the Unforgivable" by David Stoop.

I wonder if my H ever feels guilty? Does he feel depressed? Does he have any frickin clue as to what he's done? Will his pain ever be anywhere close to mine? Would I feel better if he were suffering and moping around?

I think we all ask that. I know my H is guilty for what he did to me and our children of the home. He just stuffs it all inside and sometimes when I get on his butt I hear about it, the anger, the guilt and the shame. I think his pain will be different because he's not me. I know and own my own pain, because there is only one me. No one can ever fully comprehend what one's experiences and feelings are. I don't think you'd feel better if he was suffering and moping around, I think that you would never move forward...not that they shouldn't crawl on broken glass or walk on hot coals once in a while! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wonder if I'm just too chicken to leave so I stay and try to pretend that we can work this through. I wonder if I'll always feel that I can't address any real topics because he might run to her (or another OW).

You are not too chicken to stay. That is a choice you made, just like you have the option to go. No one likes changes or things that happen to them that they can't control. But you can control what you do and how you react. Don't ever feel you can't address real topics. That has to be addressed in order to have total and radical honesty in your relationship. If anything you said or did would make him run to the ex-Ow or a new one, then you are best to move on. It would be a problem he has. Not you. You really cannot control others, but you can control how you present your concerns, cares and problems.

And, I wonder, once a cheater, always a cheater? Or, did he only learn his lesson because of impending financial obligations? I am sure he would have never told me if there wasn't an OC. Is he upset about that or the fact that he had the affair in the first place?

I had that drilled in my head while growing up...my father cheated on my mother, my first husband cheated on me and named my second daughter after his ex-ow and then Mr."T" did his bone-headed thing. I have to give him a chance to prove himself to me, he knows that if he does it again, he's out. Mr."T" ended it with ex-ow before he found out about OC. I think they are upset that they did a bone-headed thing, but they aren't emotional like we are. It is amazing that they can compartementalize their lives like they do.

You are expressing everything I thought or felt or did when I first found out. You are doing well. Feel it, own it and get it through your system so you can decide what or how you want to do things. If you feel that you can't move on after a reasonable amount of time, then an anti-depressant might help for a while under the care of a doctor. I got on one seven months after D-day as I wanted to feel the pain, the grief and get it out my system.

It isn't easy. I can guarantee you one thing...you can and you will move on. Not everyone's timetable is the same, but you will make it. We all did and we still deal with some crap, but it does get better.

I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to answer this earlier, as things are getting hectic around here getting the two older girls ready to see their bio-dad for Christmas this year...first time in 8 years...Pray for safety in travel!

I'm here for ya, you know my IM handles and my e-mail...don't be a stranger.

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

angelia,
I hear you.

Maybe this comparison will help. Our second child died at birth prior to the A. That pain was so bad I wanted to die... I could not commit suicide, because I had a young child depending on me and I know suicide is an insult to God, but the pain was indescribably awful, and I could NOT imagine how I would EVER get beyond the pain and the feeling that nothing was bigger in my life. I had never felt greater sadness, greater disbelief or rage... Overwhelming.

I had very similar feelings when my H confessed to his affair and pregnancy of my "friend" OW. Overwhelming disbelief, confusion, sadness, rage, betrayal etc.

I say you're doing good because you can even THINK about, TALK about forgiveness... That's better than many of us could do in our first month.

I don't mean to minimize your feelings. I think we on this board really do understand.

You're reading and thinking and communicating with your spouse and that's good. If he is already "ready to move on" then he needs a reminder from another source--either books or a counselor--that YOU need and deserve much more time to deal with this. Full recovery is said to take 2 years after an affair, and that's assuming no OC is involved!!!

Sometimes you just need to let yourself "be", be with your heart, be very very kind to yourself, and deal with the emotions there--hurt or anger or whatever you're feeling that minute. Time will help a lot than we can ever say; but in the meantime, live one day at a time and don't let your H minimize what destruction you've been through and your grief.

Prayers,
J
4 years and glad I stayed

One more thing. It is super-duper important that your H is willing to investigate the issues that led to the affair--his issues, your issues, marital issues, outside influences, whatever.

Reading books, getting counseling, seeing what type of affair it was at www.affairs-help.com (I just checked and the site's not up but normally it shows the different types).

Sweeping this A "under the rug" is not going to help you in the long run!!!!!!!!!!!!

4y ago H and I got couples counseling and were "released" by our counselor. Even though we were very "good at" our recovery and both trying hard, just recently my H got involved with another woman inappropriately by email, and has now agreed that he needs individual counseling for his issues.

Your H needs to recognize that this was a serious event that signals serious problems: totaling the car, not just denting the fender!

Dear angelia,

I said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hs tend to compartmentalize and to tuck their guilt feelings away.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that our spouses have a unique ability to separate their life with W and family from their A. When it comes to guilt, I find that my H is able to put those feelings aside and continue living as if nothing unusual has happened.

But, I have also found out that it doesn't mean he is not suffering -- he is suffering on the inside -- not necessary showing any outward signs.

Meanwhile, when I am depressed or guilty, everyone knows about it. I talk about it, I look sad and mopey, I will cry if someone looks at me the wrong way. Not so with my H.

I happen to have a lot of compassion for the ex-OW. The saddest thing that my H said to me while we were hashing out the A and the OC was that he felt like such a heel because he had ruined two people's lives -- hers and mine. The ex-OW's family is very religious. Her father is a retired minister. You can imagine what happened - they completely turned their back on her when they found out she was pregnant.

My H did not see the damage he was causing while he was enjoying the A. But when it was over, he saw the absolute devastation that he brought on her because he changed her life forever, and on me, because he destroyed the relationship we had.

Although I feel that our relationship is improved now, there are many times that my H will say -- things will never be the same, will they? There are certain things that are lost forever, like the blind devotion and the innocence of the love you shared, but I am still quite happy with the improved version of our relationship.

You are doing fine, angelia. It is a long road and we are all here to help you get through.

love,
heavenly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that our spouses have a unique ability to separate their life with W and family from their A. When it comes to guilt, I find that my H is able to put those feelings aside and continue living as if nothing unusual has happened. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heavenly: THAT is exactly what I find so weird....And I do mean weird - how do they do that? I think that's why I never knew there was an affair and certainly not an OC. Husband acted so normal at home...And to this date...he acts the same. I can't figure it out. He says he's glad I found out and that somewhere he wanted me to know because he was tired of the lies, etc. But, now that I know, he is back to being himself. I just shake my head because i wish sometimes I had the same happy pills he takes (or at least the pills that allow you to go on as if NOTHING HAPPENED!) If I could just bottle those pills, I'd be rich!
Hugs to all tonight!
Angelia

ok, angelia,

I was going to respond to your thread point by point, then I read all the responses from the many many wise women here.

And they hit all the nails on the head. I couldn't possibly add anything to what they've said.

So I'll just add ... you are doing great for one month in the "club". You should be proud that you've come this far.

Don't you feel better today than you did on d-day?

Every milestone will be better than the last. trust me. Then one day you'll wake up and it's been two years. And you'll think back at how far you've come.

Remember the other night when I was giving you links to all my old posts? Well I had a WOW night that night. Reading all those old posts mad me remember how far I'd come. And what I went through to get here. I was proud of myself. And you will be too.

Keep praying on it. Our God allows us to go through these trials for a reason.

Z.