Hi All,
I thought I would give a quick update. Tomorrow WS is going to the attorney's office and file for divorce. I understand that I have three weeks to go in and sign the form to avoid being served.

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult. I asked to please wait until after the holidays to start the process, but to no avail.

Today I went to his apartment and picked up a few of my things I wanted to keep. I turned in his apartment key, and he gave me back the garage door openers. It is so sad to see 27 years end up in such a bitter fashion.

I do feel I have tried over the past 18 months or more to try and make this marriage work, but as soon as WS moved out in Sept. that was the beginning of the end.

I sometimes feel that I have wasted the past 18 months. I felt I did everything in my power to accept and forgive. But with the contact of OW/OC I didn't have a prayer. I know WS tried to work on his marriage, but in the end he could not give up his relationship/or didn't want to give up on his relationship with OW. So he took the easier road, end it with me, so he wouldn't feel the guilt of what his actions have done to our family.

He has severely damaged his relationship with our children. He has put the blame on me for that, he feels that by exposing the truth of his constant betrayls to us over the past 18 months, that I have hurt our children. Our children are both adults, and can think for themselves.

So tomorrow will be a very difficult day for me. The harsh reality that the man I loved for the past 30 years wants to end our marriage and start a new life with his new younger OW and 2 young OC. A hard adjustment to make over the holidays.

I feel like one of the only failures on this site, but I do feel that I made every attempt to make it work.

Tina

Dear Tina,

A failure? No, my dear, you are certainly not a failure. All we can ever do is our absolute best. You have tried for all this time to work things out. If this is the end then that is God's will.

I know the pain must be awful right now. Thirty years is a long time to be a part of someone and them to be part of you. But, if you have loved your H and given him everything that you could to make him happy but not had that happiness returned -- you can and will do better.

My first H died at an early age and I thought my life would end as well. You don't want to hear this now, but there is more than one mate for every one of us. I found my H when I least expected it and when I certainly was not looking for anyone. He has become my best friend and, although we have had our problems, we have built a very special life together.

Take it one day at a time. Remember that you are still a vital, capable, intelligent, wonderful woman. Don't let this awful experience tear down your self-confidence. This was your H's decision -- don't place any guilt on yourself.

As far as your children, it will be difficult for them to get through this even though they are adults. Be there for them and let them be there for you. You were right to tell them the whole story. Unfortunately, some people don't want to take responsibility for their actions. Sounds like your H wanted to continue looking like the hero to the children and not have them know just how abominably he has behaved over the past years.

Your best revenge will be living well. And that revenge will happen to be the best for you as well. Sending you a giant {{{{{ hug }}}}}.

love,
heavenly

Thanks Heavenly,
You know talking to my daughter tonight, she said something that never really dawned on me. That things are only going to get better for me, it will take time, but for her father, he is already having relationship problems with OW and they are not even married, so probably things are only going to get worse for him, and he will discover his mistake too late.

They obviously are not starting their life together under the best circumstances. But his ego will not let admit that he might be making a mistake.

Tina

I can't add anymore to what Heavenly wrote ya, but I can send big HUGS and PRAYERS your way. It really sucks the way these things happen around the holidays...but your daughter is right...things can only get better for you. Once you hit the bottom and think you can't get any lower is when God really moves in and moves you UP...Up...Up....

That's interesting that your H is already having relationship problems...but it's par for the course..even Dr. Harley wrote about that...they are getting over their "honeymoon" stage and finding out that life ain't all that rosy and there are quirks that the other has that drives each other insanely angry....ah...new relationship...different set of problems....

Some people never learn....hopefully he'll wake up and smell the coffee....

It's a sad thing, but I'm so proud of you...you gave it your all when others would have thrown the towel in waaaaayyyy toooo earlllyyy....and you made room in your heart to try to accept not ONE but TWO oc's. Not many women would or could do that.

You are an amazing, incredible woman...smart, intelligent and loyal. I know you will go far and you can do it. I found after my divorce that I got to enjoy my quiet apartment when the kids were in daycare or asleep and got to put up my feet and listen to the Mavericks or do what I wanted to do in my free time and just enjoy being "Me". Not having to answer to anyone.

Sending more hugs to you and you know how to get a hold of me if you need to talk, chat or vent!

Hugs and Prayers,
Twiisty

Tina,
Heavenly said it all best.

I'm really sorry for your understandable pain; what's happened is certainly NOT your fault! As your daughter said, it can only get better from here...

God be with you.
J

I agree, just because your marriage is failing doesn't mean you're a failure. It takes two. Actually, it seems like your husband failed the marriage and the family through his sneaking and lying and deceptive behavior for years... I read one of the articles on this site and it said that adultery is not actually what decays the marriage, it's all the lies and deceit...

How can you, the BS improve if the WS doesn't even tell you anything is wrong? If the WS just pretends like everything is fine when it's not? How fair is that???

I'm glad your daughter can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are blessed to have someone surrounding you with positive thoughts right now. Perhaps your doctor can prescribe anti-depressants to get you through this? Be careful tho, I think some of them are kind of addicting... If you don't like how one brand makes you feel, get rid of them and try a different one.

Tina: I am praying for you! God will never leave you nor forsake you. Hugs to you.

Angelia

Thank you Twiisty,Jenny, BTDT, and Angelia for your support.

Today I called H's work phone to leave a message. I wanted to know for sure if he really went through with filing today. He never answers the phone so I was safe calling there.

For over a year now the OW has not answered his phone, and she is no longer his assistant, she is in another department. Today of all days I called and she answered his work phone.

I am embarrased to say I was a bit snide on the phone, and when asked if she could give him a message for me, I said I want his audix.

Of all days for this to happen, what a horrible slap in the face.

And yes, he did do the filing.

Tina

Tina,

Step by Step, Second by Second...that how it goes. I'm sorry that you got that slap in the face, but you will be ok. Doesn't feel like it now, but you will be ok.

I wish I were nearby so you and I could have coffee, tea or your poison of choice (I prefer diet cokes, but trying to cut down for the sake of baby bean!)

When my ex-husband abandoned me and my two babies (who were 18 months and 3 months old at the time) I consoled myself with the thought that I could still try to make it work. Nothing etched in stone, even if the ink was dry on the papers and he could retract it.

I spent that time healing myself, trying to make a better life for me and two babies (despite the homeless shelter we were in at the time and always around a dang Holiday...in our case, Turkey day!)

I was more upset that I wasn't able to be a stay-at-home mom for my babies rather than the fact that Wild Bill had an OW and named my second child after her! I counterfiled in TX (where we were living at the time) and tried to heal and move on. Was it easy? No....was it lonely at times? Yes...but looking back, I wouldn't trade that time for anything...I learned more about myself and what I could do that I didnt' think I could do.

I rekindled old interests that I forgot that I had enjoyed. I enrolled in country and western dance and learned to Two-step and the cotten eyed joe....

I didn't need to keep myself busy as I had school and two babies to care for. I did cry many times, because I do know what it was like at that time to be a single mother without someone. The parenting wasn't that hard, it was the lonliness until I decided that I wasn't going to let Wild Bill ruin my life....

His relationship with the OW that busted up our marriage didn't last either...and a month or so after the ink was dried on our divorce decree he married someone else that he met in July and Married in OCtober...and they are still together...must be a match made in heaven! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My point is, that in the beginning it looks bleak...you will grieve the loss of what you had and you had substantially more years into a marriage then I did and you raised children together...take time for yourself...be good to yourself...nothing's ever etched in stone...but take time to heal yourself and do things for yourself. Find out who you are, (I know you know who you are, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey!)

It can only move up from here. I grieve with you, and I want you to continue to post here and e-mail me...I care and I'm here for you as are the other ladies here on this board.

"This too shall pass"...somethings never make sense...but one thing is for sure...time marches onward ever more....*sigh*

My heart bleeds for you,
Hugs and much prayers to you,
Twiisty
Take time to mourn your loss. You have all the time in the world to do what you want and have to do.
Love ya!

Dear Tina

Your daughter's words are so true.

Your husband's relationship with OW will not survive the light of day. It rarely if ever does and he will become one of the statistics/casualties very soon.

I know that isn't exactly the kind of retribution you would want or hope for but it is what will probably happen anyway. No one can build a relationship on the pain of so many others. That is why their romance is deteriorating so rapidly and will continue to do so...their karma alone will destroy them and it will all have been for nothing.

You have been so brave and so courageous and so willing to do battle that there will come a time some day when your husband is alone in the darkness and he will lament his choice and regret loosing you. The difference between you and the OW will become glaringly evident and he will have to face his demons and finally face the responsilities for his actions because it will finally be undeniable. And it will be a bitter day.

He has lost so much! He has lost the respect of his children, his wife, his family his friends, his co-workers, associates and acquaintances. People mock men that do this, Tina. He has lost you, your rich history, his home, his financial freedom, the promising and wonderful future with you....everything will be down hill for him from now on while you, in comparison, will just get better and better with time. You will not be encumbered with these OC's or the financial difficulties or the embarrassement. You will probably meet someone wonderful who will make you his first priority and just adore you. A year from now, you will feel very differently than you do today.

Above all, you must take credit for fighting the good fight. Acknowledge that the time you have spent over the last 18 months has NOT been in vain. These past 18 months are testimony to your strength of spirit and you will be able to sleep at night knowing you did everything possible to preserve your marriage. Your husband is the enormous failure...you are a success...you got out of this alive, intact and with your dignity and integrity and you never gave up. The onus is on your husband.

Tina, a symbolic period of mourning as if he died would be appropriate now, because the man you married no longer exists. Pray and ask God to enlighten your hsuband and soften his heart. In the meantime, God has something better for you...keep your eyes and heart open to the possibilities that exist here.

We all love you and care deeply about what you are going through right now. I will pray your grief will turn to relief.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Tina,

I liked what Catnip said at the close of her post:

I will pray your grief will turn to relief.

At least he is off the fence now Tina and you can begin your journey of healing and moving on. The one thing that always sat in the back of my mind, as a WS, during my A with OM, was that all relationships follow the same sort of progression pattern. Yes, I thought OM was wonderful, etc, but I also recognized that I felt that way about my H when I first met him. Your H's relationship will also follow that same pattern and transform as all human relationships do. They have a relationship built on lies and deceit, that is ultimately what scared me away from my relationship with OM. Your H has to find his own way, just as we all do; and he will eventually. I don't wish anyone a failed relationship, married or not. He will live the life he was meant to live and so will you, Tina. I wish you happiness. You have an oppportunity, although it doesn't feel like one right now, you have a chance to start again and find someone worthy of your love. It isn't easy letting go, its a process, and although I never had to let go of a marriage, I did have to let go of someone I loved deeply and shared my life with. It happens over time and in your time, you will most likely be grateful for another chance at happiness.

CM