Thanks Catnip! Your info. is very enlightening. I am still confused, but your words of wisdom have helped.
My H says the C is NOT his, and he said he asked her and she said it is not his. Can she tell from the blood type? She does have blond hair like him and does resemble him, but am I just imagining this? I found a disk that he had that had pictures of this child and also the last two emails, one to her from him and her reply back to him. He had forwarded me a copy of her reply, but cut some of it out, but not that much that really mattered. His was also cut, but all he said there was he wished he had someone to talk to ask ?'s about whether he should stay with me or not. He called our relationship a go nowhere existance and she was only willing to give him a few minutes a week or month or whatever as her job has her busy and her family keeps her busier now than in the past. If it is not his why does she feel the need to send him pictures of the C and why does he keep them? He said her H was not there for her when she was PG, (but apparently mine was). Mine was not really there for me when I was PG, but we were younger than and we are older and wiser now. I am having problems because I don't think I can ever trust him. After I found he copied the stuff to a disk I really doubt what he is trying to do with us is going to work although he copied it on 11/22 and we decided to call a truce and work on us for the next 30 days on 11/30. That was his idea, but I feel sometimes that was his only alternative as our daughter (who is married herself) has now guessed what has gone on. She only knows that he cheated on me and I did not tell her all of the pieces. I don't feel it is her business, only mine and my H's. She took it like an adult, as he thought she would drum him out of her and our GC's lives, and that did not happen, but I don't want him to feel to comfortable with that and think he can get away with OW again. I want him to know that breaking the secrecy is important and I will not lie to my daughter any longer. I am still considering leaving him after the New Year as I don't see how I can ever rebuild the trust. He doesn't want to go for joint counseling and I think that is because he is embarrased that I found out and that it had been going on all along as he keeps saying he made a big mistake, but if he felt that way, why did he ask if he could keep her as a friendly contact. Once you cross the bridge to lovers, I feel you can never go back to being friends and I really feel hurt he would have even suggested that to me. He knew it would never be accepted by me, but asked none the less. As far as I can tell, since 11/17, there has been no contact from or with her and I am trying to move forward in a positive way, but my insecurities are not helping. I imagine all sorts of things happening, and I sometimes look at him and know he is thinking or remembering times he had with her. I know I can't expect him to just forget her over night, but I doubt he ever will. He claims he loved or loves her very much, but also loves me and didn't want to hurt either one of us. And I wonder why after finding out I knew about them, she would even consider being in contact with him. If that had been me and I was the OW, I think it would make me shy away from the H and leave him alone for fear I may upset her family, which is what I finally did by calling her H and telling him his W had been F****** my H for the last 5 yrs. I am sure I caused problems in that house that weekend, but I have been experiencing problems for 6 mos. after finding out about her. I even emailed a note to her and she did read it, but as I suspected no response from her. I just wanted her to know some of the things I knew about her that I'm sure he would have kept from her to protect his relationship with her, such as the fact that I knew she was in my home and bed on several occassions, and maybe I did it out of spite, but I wanted her to know the pain I feel because of their actions. Was I wrong?
Well, I am trying to capture the Christmas spirit and have shopped, but my heart is not in it as I cannot decide if I am making the correct decision by staying here and trying to work it out. I feel that any day now she will pop into his life again and I have told him if that happens I am out of here and I will not look back this time.
God Bless you for your help and let me know what you think of my rambling.

WTWIO

I have to go to work right now and will be gone until late but will post at that time.

Be good to yourself and pray for enlightenment and ask God to comfort you through this. I'll pray for you too.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wanttoworkitout:
[QB]
My H says the C is NOT his, and he said he asked her and she said it is not his. Can she tell from the blood type?

=^^= The only way to know for sure is DNA testing

If it is not his why does she feel the need to send him pictures of the C and why does he keep them?

=^^= Trust your instincts and assess his actions, rather than his words. His behavior is suspicious and if you are having trouble believing him, it is with good reason.

and work on us for the next 30 days on 11/30. That was his idea, but I feel sometimes that was his only alternative as our daughter (who is married herself) has now guessed what has gone on.

=^^= He has other choices but probably wants to do this, regardless of your daughter. This is where you implement Plan A, and where you and your husband both study and learn all the Harley Principles and Rules of Honesty and Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and take your Emotional Needs Questionaire. Don't let this opportunity to begin recovery pass you by. Focus on your husband and the marriage.

She only knows that he cheated on me and I did not tell her all of the pieces. I don't feel it is her business, only mine and my H's.

=^^= I agree completely. It is no one else's business and you can tell or not tell in your own good time. This is a very personal matter and you don't need everyone sticking their noses into it.

but I don't want him to feel to comfortable with that and think he can get away with OW again. I want him to know that breaking the secrecy is important and I will not lie to my daughter any longer.

=^^= There are consequences for that behavior...

am still considering leaving him after the New Year as I don't see how I can ever rebuild the trust. He doesn't want to go for joint counseling and I think that is because he is embarrased that I found out and that it had been going on all along

=^^= Only you know what you can and cannot put up with. This is the perfect time for him to put aside his feelings or embarrassment and make the effort to go in for counseling. Those reasons he gave you are just excuses and you can't let him get away with that or nothing will change.

he keeps saying he made a big mistake, but if he felt that way, why did he ask if he could keep her as a friendly contact.

=^^= It could be that he feels a sense of obligation or habit or perhaps he liked having two women at the same time. You know him better than anyone...what do YOU think? What do your isntincts tell you.

Once you cross the bridge to lovers, I feel you can never go back to being friends and I really feel hurt he would have even suggested that to me.

=^^= I agree once that line is crossed, it is almost impossible to just be friends, however, it can and does happen. Mom of Five is one I can think of. But if contact is non-negotiable, then it is something he must respect and acquiesce to if he wants to rebuild the marriage. He also could be fogged in with ambivalent feelings or misplaced guilt.

I am trying to move forward in a positive way, but my insecurities are not helping.

=^^= Don't be too hard on yourself. These feelings are normal and insecurities are a biproduct of discovery and unavoidable. We've all been there.

I imagine all sorts of things happening, and I sometimes look at him and know he is thinking or remembering times he had with her. I know I can't expect him to just forget her over night, but I doubt he ever will.

=^^= then you have to decide what you can live with and what is unacceptable

He claims he loved or loves her very much

=^^= I am so sorry. But the truth is that he really doesn't know what he feels right now.

And I wonder why after finding out I knew about them, she would even consider being in contact with him. If that had been me and I was the OW, I think it would make me shy away from the H and leave him alone for fear I may upset her family,

=^^- Our society has declined so much that people think it is OK to do whatever they want to/with whomever they want without consequences. And often OW's will hang in there in the hope that the Betrayed will bail and she will acquire Wayward by default. Most don't care one bit about the Betrayed or the children in that family and rarely even give the Betrayed a second thought.

maybe I did it out of spite, but I wanted her to know the pain I feel because of their actions. Was I wrong?

=^^= Not really. You are entitled to ask quesitons from either of them.

I cannot decide if I am making the correct decision by staying here and trying to work it out.

Well, don't make any decisions for a while and wait and see what happens, if anything. Just give it time and see what happens during these next 30 days.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry you are going through this, It is always such a shock.

You are in my prayers.

Catnip =^^=