And it was freeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! That was so important because we honestly have nothing. A friend told me about a church about 30 minutes from us that has a big marriage ministry. I called and asked the guy there if he could direct me to someone to help us, with little to no cash. he said he would help us.

We talked to him on the phone about an hour and gave him our background. Then we met with him last night (can't afford babysitter so kids were with us). I shared some of the recent things I've heard from his friends (like him flirting and that I supposedly moved out). The counselor asked if that was true. Hubby said no, they misunderstood. Me and counselor said at same time "both people misunderstood?" Anyway, then the counselor asked me to tell them what it would take for me to stay in this marriage. So I made a list-
1- No female friends unless they are friends of us both.
2- In business transactions, like getting gas at the convenient store, do your business and get out. Nothing personal.
3- Develop a relationship with an ethical man and have daily contact even if it is just hello. That way he can have the friendship that he has been seeking in females.
4- Spend time with me and and spend time with me and two kids.

Counselor also asked hubby to make a list. He said I should-
1- stop bringing up the past.
2- be nice to the children. His example was that I should stop telling them they are disgusting. (I sat there rolling my eyes wondering how he could even claim that I do that.)

Anyway, we drew a line in the sand and said okay today is past, from this point forward we are living a new life. Counselor asked us to come back in a few weeks. Gave us a few books to read and encouraged a date night. We walked out and I feel great right!

Then this morning, I say Yknow hubby I really hope that we can do all we said last night and move into the future together. I'm really excited about all this. I really want a new life with you. And he says Huh what do you mean? I say well all that we agreed to last night, you said no more females and I said I'd live in the present. He says, I don't have any females, there's no one, what's wrong with friends anyway, you're just psycho.

Whoa! I think I married a loon! He always acts like he has no idea what I'm talking about if it's more than five minutes later. Always. Or maybe it was just a show for the counselor. I think I'm going to write it out like a contract so we will be reminded of what we agreed to. Our time with the counselor was a great start though. And definitely solution-based, I liked that a lot. I think I'll Plan A real hard to see what happens until we go back to see him. To me, this seems so simple. In order to have a good relationship I mainly just want hubby to drop all the other females. Duh. Why is this hard? And if hubby acts clueless about our contract, then I'll just shrug it off, change the subject and keep on Plan A (which I'll have to get better at).

Why do I want to just slap him senseless?

Unfortunately, your husband doesn't sound like he has suffered any consequences for his abominable behavior. Not only did he not lose you because of his affairs, you took on his OC's...BOTH of them!

As a result, he is probably less than enthusiastic about putting effort into recovery because it is hard work and it would mean he would have to make significant changes, which he really doesn't think he has to do because he thinks you will put up with and tolerate anything.

I'm glad you found an effective spiritually based counselor for free when you are struggling so. It would be better if you saw the counselor more often, like once a week, because I think your husband might have a really short attention span given what he said to you this morning.

Another thing to check out that helped Bipolar and me a great deal was a Retrouvaille weekend. To learn more about the weekend, log onto www.retrouvaille.org for more information.

You are going to have to get tough, Aimee. You are going to have to get really, really strong and forceful without being bytchy or being over-bearing, which can be difficult. You have to find the right ratio so you do not diminish your husband but at the same time, protect yourself from his emotional "gaslighting".

Is your counselor familiar with the Harley-Marriage Builders Methods for Recovery? If not, ask him to log onto this site to learn about the principles.

Wishing you the best

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ December 18, 2002, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>