My Dh and I are back together after going through two separations. The latest one lasted 6 months and we have been back together for a little over a year. We have two children a son, age 8 and a daughter, age 1. This story actually has something to do with before we were ever married. Apperently, when my DH was 18, he lost his virginity to this woman. They did it twice in one night and he did not use protection. She had a boyfriend at the time and later on, ended up marrying him (the boyfriend). Three years later my DH runs into her and finds out she has a son. She tells him that she is pretty sure my DH is the father but her H has been raising him as his own (her H did not know anything about my DH) She showed my DH a picture and he agreed that the boy did resemble him. She went on to tell him that she was happily married and didn't want anything from him, just wanted him to know of the OC. My DH told me all this after we were married and I wanted him to take a paternity test but he said to let things go as he didn't want to tear up the family the boy already had. (This was like 7 years ago)
Fast forward to today...This woman gets in contact with my H, tells him that the boy, now 11, is having alot of behavior problems and is lacking a father figure in his life. (She is now divorced from the "dad" and remarried) She tells my DH that her ex-husband never really "connected" with the child and she thought he might have known all along because supposedly the boy looks nothing like him. She asks my H if he wants to meet the boy and possibly form some kind of relationship. She told him that she still does not want anything and they don't even have to tell the boy that DH might be his father. What the heck should we do?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I told my DH that he DEFINITELY needs to take a paternity test because this woman was in a long term relationship when they had sex. My DH and her only had sex that one night (two times though) and they did not use protection. I know that it only takes once but I'm PRAYING the odds are more for the other man being the father (even though he supposedly looks like my DH) I know this is not as big of a problem as some of you are facing right now but I'd like to hear what someof you think about this. (I usually post on the recovery board) It seems just when we were getting back to "normal" another thing knocks us over! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I think what we will probably do is first take a paternity test and if DH is the father, we will go from there. I can't help wondering if this lady has other motives though (like child support or trying to pass off her "problem child") Thanks for listening. Sorry about the book!

I think if I were you I would insist on the paternity test, and if the child is not your husbands, I would tell her sorry we cant help you. It isnt your place to do so and as much as the boy needs a father figure she should turn to her church or family for help with the child. I have a friend who did the same thing, and the woman showed up seven years later and he is now paying back child support. My personal opinion if this woman failed to mention said pregnancy and went it alone, she needs to continue going it alone, because that is the choice she made.

I would guess there is a 50/50 chance the boy could be your husbands, but only a test will prove it, you can not decide on looks alone.
JMHO but dont do anything with out a test.

Hi junebug,
Have you read the MarriageBuilder's concept of the Policy of Joint Agreement? It means "never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse." I think you and your husband should sit down and talk it through and see what you both can enthusiastically agree on and go from there...

I don't know what state you are in but you might want to check into the laws before you just assume that you will be owing back support. Where I live, there can be no back pay if there was no court order in place to begin with. If she goes through the court, they will order the blood test and you won't have to pay extra for it.

If she just wants moral support, then I think you and your husband first should agree on what the terms will be.

I don't think this will set your marriage back tho. I think you guys can work it out if you just communicate, communicate, communicate!!! Good luck and don't let this spoil your Christmas! God bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Junebug

As BTDT suggested, you and your husband must discuss this thoroughly before he makes any decisions that could alter your life as you know it forever. The POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) is designed to allow a couple to become true and equal partners in the marital relationship. Trust between you grows as you discuss and make all decisions together, never acting alone and never without the other spouse's enthusiastic approval.

Discuss the necessity for DNA testing and discuss what your feelings are regarding contact if this child turns out to be your husband's child.

It might be easier for you to have contact with this kid and make a difference in his life (if DNA is positive) if you stay aware of the fact that this child came BEFORE you married your hsuband and is not a result of a violation to your marriage.

If your marriage is strong enough and you two are mature enough and if your hearts are big enough and if you ahve good coping skills, then opening up your hearts and home to this troubled kid might just end up being a blessing to you as well. But, make sure you are in it for the long haul before you begin because it would be a horrible, horrible thing to do to this kid to begin a relationship only to bail weeks or months later because he's a handful. You'll both have to make a commitment to give this kid love, guidance and just be there for him if you decide to go that route.

Pray hard on this one and get that testing done before you make any attempts at building a relationship. I understand the Mom's concern that her child does not have a decent father figure and is deeply worried for him. She sounds scared and desperate.

Good luck to you both...

Catnip =^^=