Hello,

I'm new here, but I have been lurking for quite some time. I know most of you here are BS with the exception of a few and I have a problem regarding a past situation that I hope someone can help me with.

Here goes...I'm a former OW with an OC. I was involved with a MM that I was unaware was married at the time of our relationship. When I found out he was married, it was too late because I was already pregnant with our daughter. I spoke with his W, it didn't go very well, but I didn't really expect it to. In the conversations that she and I had she threatened me, my pregnancy, and said she would hurt my child after she was born.

Just a side note, he tried to continue to our relationship even after his W found out about relationship and the pregnancy, but I ended it with him because he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. I think that I put up with it because I wanted so badly for him to be a part of our child's life-I have since changed my mind.

He witnessed the conversation in which she said these things, but said she was 'just like that' and disregarded her threats. Well, she did terrorize me during my pregnancy until I moved and changed my telephone numbers that he gave to her. I can't say that I was completely innocent as far as conduct in concerned, but I didn't go anywhere near as far as she went.

She e-mailed me and him a copy of the nastiest, most ungodly letter I have ever seen about how she hated my child and wanted her to die. He never once tried to put a stop to this, and at one point even said it would be entertaining to see her and I get into a physical fight just to see who would win.

When I was about 5 months pregnant I spoke to him one last time about what was going to happen after our daughter was born and he was so cold and said he didn't know what he wanted to do yet. When our daughter was born I notified him through a friend, but he still made no attempt at contact. I bumped into him at the grocery store when our daughter was 5 months old, and this is when he said he wanted to see her, how much he had been thinking about her, and that he'd been wanting to contact me for so long but was afraid of me turning him away.

I let my guard down with him and allowed him to come over a few days later(his W had no idea that he did this, I think she still doesn't know to this day)to see our daughter and to talk about support arrangements, visitation, etc. He was pretty good about seeing her for about a month, but after we sat down with our lawyers and signed a CS agreement he started standing our daughter up, and after while just stopped seeing her. He said he didn't want to be her father right because it would be too hard to hide from his W.

After that I pretty much wrote him off, I didn't want to keep on going through the emotional trauma of him running in and out. Another side note, when he started coming around again he tried to reinstate our relationship also.

Fast forward to today, our daughter is going to be 2-years-old in a short time. For the past few months, he has been calling me and telling me he and W want my daughter to be a part of their family. He said she is ready to be a mother to my daughter and he's realized he wants to be a father to her because they've had a child of their own thus showing him that he, in fact, is missing something. However, he is still being inconsistant and in his calls he has never even asked about our daughter at all.

What my concern is 1)safety of my daughter 2)my safety. I've left them alone because I don't want contact with them, I feel it would be detrimental to my family as I'm engaged to the man my daughter knows as 'daddy'. I don't want to re-open the wounds, I don't want re-hash the past, and I don't want my daughter to get hurt and confused. She doesn't even know him and as far as I'm concerned she will never know his W. I don't trust them, and I can't just hand my only child over to people I feel may hurt her, maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.

My question...how do I tell them to leave me alone? How do I tell them I'm not ready for contact, don't want contact, and feel my daughter can make the decision to know him herself when she's old enough? I respected their decision for no contact, now how can I get them to honor my decision for no contact? I don't want this to get ugly or more hostile than it already has been even though I'm still angry about what he put everyone through and would love to tell him just how I feel about what he did.

I know a lot of you have former OW's that you would love to leave you alone, so what would you do if you were in my position? Thanks for listening and any advice is appreciated, sorry it's so long, please excuse me if there are any typos.

Tara

Moved On,

You'll probably need to see a lawyer, but you can't expect this man to pay child support AND deny him access to his daughter. If you have documentation supporting your claims that he's been unavailable and uninvolved in your daughter's life, and that his wife has threatened you and your daughter---then you might have a chance in court. But that will be hard on everyone and expensive to boot.

I would suggest that instead, you tell him that you are getting married, and that you would prefer that he not be involved in this child's life. Let him know that you're willing to draw up papers relieving him of the responsibility of child support for him terminating his rights as the father.

The bottom line is to try to successfully take their position into account, and negotiate as fairly as you can for the best interests of all parties (not easy). A legal challenge will be tough---remember that you're the one that opened up this can of worms by getting child support from this guy. Your best bet for a legal challenge will be to prove that the wife is a threat to your child, and that the husband hasn't followed through on the visitation. This could get very ugly, and you stand a decent chance of losing.

This is interesting. A FOW who wants no contact. I didn't think they existed. I have not been here as long as K, but I would say if you have valid concerns and written proof that your xMM's W threatened your daughter, a judge would have to take that into consideration wouldn't he? You say the father was inconsistant in his visitation, --like one minute he's there, the next he's not? That can't be good for your daughter. I can understand where K is saying that you can't deny xMM his court ordered visitation, but if you fear for your child's physical and/or emotional well being, do what your instincts tell you. Also, I don't think it should have anything to do with wether or not you receive child support. That's like saying, because you receive child support you have NO SAY in visitation and the xMM can see the OC whenever he chooses, wether it's once a week or once a year. You have no choice in it because you get CS from this man. By the same token, I would hate for someone to say that because we pay CS, we HAVE to see OC. Like, if we are taking on financial responsibility, we have an obligation to take on emotional support/responsibility as well. That may not be very clear, because I may not know how to word it for my meaning to come across as I intended it, but basically what I'm saying is CS shouldn't be an issue where visitaion is concerned. MO, may I ask you a question? You said xMM says his W is ready to be a mother to your daughter, what type of visitation are they asking for? Do they just expect you to hand over your child to them without you being around?

nocontact:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CS shouldn't be an issue where visitaion is concerned.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, what child support does is legally establish the parents of the child. Once this happens, the parents have rights and responsibilities to the child. I don't know what type (if any) of custody agreement is in place for Moved On's child---but I'm assuming that it's something that doesn't prohibit the xOM from seeing the child. And (in general), that's the way it ought to be---if you're going to acknowledge and be held financially responsible for a child, you ought to have the ability to be involved with this child---if you choose to do so. I'm not inferring that the xOM should be able to swoop down on MO's 2-year old and grab her for 6 months; but from a legal standpoint, it will be difficult to deny visitation based on the fact that he's the father.

Again, I'd suggest that you attempt a peaceful, gracious, civil negotiation towards this. It costs you nothing, and you may find that some of your fears are alleviated. On the other hand, if you still sense danger, your able to challenge this in court. But make sure that you have documentation on these threats and no-shows; otherwise the court will throw your evidence out as hearsay.

The

Thank you for the responses to my post, I really appreciate it. Yes, they want me to turn my daughter over and walk away from them, no conversation, no nothing. I just can't do that. I have no idea what has motivated them to seek contact right now, but I doubt the sincerity behind it due to the past dealing I've had with them.

I just want to have a peaceful life with my soon-to-be husband and my daughter, I want them to leave me alone until I have had a chance to establish a strong marriage and a solid family life. I'm not saying I want him to sign over his rights because I didn't say I NEVER wanted him to see her just not right now.

After the affair ended, we had a few run-ins but I decided to back off. I left them alone to try to striaghten things out between them, why can't return the favor/courtesy? That's all I want, some peace for my daughter and me. Am I being unreasonable?

I am suprised at OM's statement to yu, after you have cared for and loved this child that he neglected, to have the nerve to say his wife is ready to be a mother now, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I my self would not have even responded.
Get a lawyer and always document every thing, For the most part I get along with OM , not so much his wife but we tolerate each other, But even thought we have all worked most of this out, I document every thing, i HAVE LETTERS SHE WROTE TELLING ME SHE AND HER DAUGHTER WERE GOING TO HURT ME, I have letters saysing they never wanted to even look at my daughter, I have every visit he ever made marked on the calander, those with his wife and those with out, I also have every email he has ever sent in the last three years. Because one big factor, he has already proven that I cant trust him 100 percent and if I need it or I feel my daughter is not in a good place, I wont just let it go. I have had to overcome all the anger I have had and a part of me watches very close, In my mind I am thinking, but you said you didnt want her... so how do I know your for real ? OM of course thinks I am silly of course he loves her, she is part of us and the most beautiful baby around, and I can see he believes that.. but those thoughts are still in my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Go see a lawyer and dont do any thing ignore their request.. if they keep it up let them come after you in court, make it difficult for them if you really think its not in her best intrest, chances are they have been so neglectful and careless up to this point, they wont want to spend the money on this child and will fade away.
frankly you dont know if he is full of it or not, and if his wife even knows about this, he could be lying you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If he is serious about growing up and and being a father and you believe him, then the courts will let him, but they wont just make you hand her over, they will make him have supervised visits, and gradualy work on a relationship with her.
Good luck I know how difficult this is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
[QB] you can't expect this man to pay child support AND deny him access to his daughter.

Let him know that you're willing to draw up papers relieving him of the responsibility of child support for him terminating his rights as the father.

remember that you're the one that opened up this can of worms by getting child support from this guy. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you receiving child support? Are you willing to sign papers relieving him of this obligation? If so, then you will be able to enjoy a peaceful life with your new husband, your daughter and have your family without outside intereference or any possible threat from his wife or from XOM.

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

I dont know about all states, but here, a mother can not just turn down child support, even if both parties agree, because you see Child support is a duty the non custodial parent has, be it man or woman. A mother cant just turn it down because she doesnt want it, which is why we dont go to court, I cant say no thats too much, it isnt my place it is for my daughter, there fore If I dont want it, the only duty I have is to put it away for her. A judge would say tuff she gets it any way any agreeement after that would have to come privately.

I know of people that pay child support and signed away their right to have the child in their possesion at any time, but they still had the duty to pay.

You need to call a lawyer, you have more going for you than you realise, please do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
[QB] you can't expect this man to pay child support AND deny him access to his daughter.

Let him know that you're willing to draw up papers relieving him of the responsibility of child support for him terminating his rights as the father.

remember that you're the one that opened up this can of worms by getting child support from this guy. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you receiving child support? Are you willing to sign papers relieving him of this obligation? If so, then you will be able to enjoy a peaceful life with your new husband, your daughter and have your family without outside intereference or any possible threat from his wife or from XOM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
[QB] you can't expect this man to pay child support AND deny him access to his daughter.

Let him know that you're willing to draw up papers relieving him of the responsibility of child support for him terminating his rights as the father.

remember that you're the one that opened up this can of worms by getting child support from this guy. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you receiving child support? Are you willing to sign papers relieving him of this obligation? If so, then you will be able to enjoy a peaceful life with your new husband, your daughter and have your family without outside intereference or any possible threat from his wife or from XOM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not understanding this. Why is CS the issue? I thought the bio dad and his W wanted visitation with the daughter because he felt like his W was ready to be a mom to the daughter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What on earth does that have to do with CS? Could it be that the only reason this man and his W want visitation is to lower CS? If that's not the case, why would signing away the CS obligation change the bio dad and his W wanting visitation. If that IS the case, then it seems like they don't really care about the daughter anyway and Moved On is right to feel like her daughter is in jeopardy with them. JMHO.

Moved on,

The whole situtation is not and easy one. I hope they give you time like you did for them to sort out feelings, with possible visitations. But I must ask why did you want a baby from a married man anyway??? Is there any regrets, and was it fair for your daughter?????

Good Luck