I've stopped counting the days since d-day. I've read every book I can get my grubby hands on and yet still......I look at my H and wonder if I will ever feel for him again.
I know that you're gonna say....give it time but my question to you veterans is....will time bring back the respect, the admiration, the sheer joy of seeing him come home every night, the playfulness, the 'hot' sex, the fun stuff.
Right now our relationship seems so focused on getting through this oc stuff, the attorneys, the exercises on this site and the Torn Asunder book, and the upcoming counseling.
I used to have butterflies in my tummy when I saw him - I used to just look up at him with sheer admiration and now, that's gone and I miss it.
Although I know that our marriages are forever changed, I do watch the veteran postings and I wonder if the respect is there - I wonder if the fun love is there....do you laugh together anymore?
I know I'm new. I know we're just beginning the process of recovery (and I don't even feel like I'm in that yet) but I wonder if the respect ever returns? I wonder if the fun and playfulness that used to permeate our relationship will ever return? I wonder what to do with our time together. If I don't ask questions or talk about the ow/oc (cuz I sure don't want to love bust) then what else do we talk about? It all seems to mundane and boring and YUCKY!!!
So, veterans, give me the truth, the real honest truth in what your love is like, what your respect level is, do you have fun, or is it always being entrenched in the after affair/oc battle.....
Thanks!!!

Angelia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I know that our marriages are forever changed, I do watch the veteran postings and I wonder if the respect is there - I wonder if the fun love is there....do you laugh together anymore?

** angelia, the respect returns slowly through the actions of your H. Things like calling if H is going to be late go a long way here because during A, he would never answer his cell let alone call to say he'd be late. Also TELLING me why and who he is with. H just didn't do that during A, but did it BEFORE A. So actions do help.

H now shows ME respect. Asks my opinions. Includes me in talking about what we did that day at work. He was a mute during A....**

I know I'm new. I know we're just beginning the process of recovery (and I don't even feel like I'm in that yet) but I wonder if the respect ever returns? I wonder if the fun and playfulness that used to permeate our relationship will ever return?

** The fun and playfulness is up to both of you. H and I have it back. We go for icecream sometimes after dinner on Sundays, we mall shopped together for Christmas, we watch baseball and football together, we've taken a few vacations together, we go out to dinner for no other reason than to be alone and enjoy each other's company once again. It happens in time.**

I wonder what to do with our time together. If I don't ask questions or talk about the ow/oc (cuz I sure don't want to love bust) then what else do we talk about? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">** angelia at first there is nothing else to think or talk about because of the shock of what has happened. You wonder how the heck this man you married had such a big secret. You wonder what impact this oc will have on H and you.

Asking questions seems to take over your life.

The uncomfortable feeling of going to the attorney stays with you for days. You'll get angry at H and think if it wasn't for his wandering, we wouldn't be doing this.

Guess what? H feels the same way. Miserable and ashamed at what has happened. What he's done to the person who now is at his side. Wishing with all his will that he could take it all away.

The honest truth is that it can't go away. That is something you both have to deal with.

I promise you there will come a day when you will talk about everything but A/oc.

The hot sex issue is different for everyone.
H and I had it before, during, and after A. I suspect from what you wrote that you did too.
Hot sex, intimate sex, fun sex, just because sex, it all can happen.
It is up to both of you.
It takes time. With loving support it can and will happen.
Personally with H and I, our talks went from A/oc, to how happy we are we stayed together, to being comfortable with each other again, to laughter and of course, intimacy. Intimacy in talking and actions and sex!**

Give it time....
love
Debi

angelia,
I don't have much time--on my way to Christmas vacation.

Briefly, my answer to ALL your questions is: yes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's ALL still there for us, sometimes deeper than ever for what we have endured together, what we have forgiven and worked hard to recover from. We love each other a LOT.

XOW fades away, but there are MOMENTS when I have to question him more carefully or something to do w/OC comes up. Those are not fun times, but they DO come and go a MILLION times more quickly than they did in the past.

I hope that helps. Peace be with you.
J, in recovery 4y and glad i stayed

Whether or not my marriage would or could reclaim what had been lost, depended largely on my husband's actions.

Our situation probably took longer than most because of my husband's illness (Bipolar) and the time it took for him to adjust to medication.

Once stabilized, he pulled out all the stops. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me or for the marriage. He showed me in small and huge ways how deeply committed he is to the marriage and to me. We have been progressing into a marriage reminiscent of the one we had prior to the A but only so much better than before in so many ways.

My respect for him increases daily with his dedication to us and to our marriage. He holds fast to recovery and stays focused on me instead of just himself. His display of remorse and regret, while healing for me in the beginning, became detrimental to his own recovery after a while, and I had to make sure he knew he was forgiven.

We rarely talk about OW/OC unless we absolutely have to. We have a blast together and do lots of fun things and spend all our time together and have found that surviving this horrible battle and heartbreak has made us more intensely close and aware of each other than ever before. While it is the most horrendous thing that can happen to a marriage, it can bring into your lives a new and deep appreciation of what you had and what you have and of each other.

It took nearly four years since D-Day, but these past six months have been so amazing, it was worth the wait for both of us. While I wasn't sure of this at all over the past three years or so, I hung in there because I would catch glimpses of "wonderful" in between the confusion and doubt.

Sex can become more intense and passionate and exciting because when two people are that close and have survived something so devastating, their sex becomes more intimate.

The playfulness comes back when everyone lightens us, and everyone lightens up when there has been forgivenss.

Somethings I will never get back, like our sexual exclusivity, some nagging doubts I have had about other situations that were never even a concern before. I have become suspicious and jealous which are two very ugly and uncomfortable behaviors...and I blame my husband for these less than attractive traits. Trust is slow in coming but increasing with time.

Sometimes you'll feel like none of this is worth it and want to bale (bail?) but just like anything, it is cyclical and part of the healing process. If we all jump ship when the waves rock the boat, none of us will make it to shore.

Thanks ladies!!!
Sex - right now it's great and guarded (if that's possible). I wonder if he thinks about her or how they did it compared to us (I'm sure that's a normal thought) but the sex is so absolutely intense and loving. I just wonder how long that's gonna last.

Suspicion - Oh, my gosh, I am absolutely so suspicious. I wonder each time he steps out the door where he's going and what he's doing. That can't be good for us but I'm sure it's normal too!I'm also suspicious about his behavior - He is being great - loving - tender - remorseful - calls me all the time (which he obviously didn't before), etc...He's displaying all the good things you ladies talk about but it makes me suspicious of his motives. His motives are probably to get his marriage back on track but yes, it makes me nervous!

OW/OC - I don't know how you folks don't talk about it. My conversations are consumed with that. My thoughts are consumed with that. Maybe once we get done with attorneys and make all arrangements based on what happens then I can settle down into that. Right now it's a lot of 'what if' games in my head. And, yes I blame him for all of that....

I have decided for now that the only being I can trust is GOD. He will never leave me and certainly won't forsake me. I think the trust I miss the most in my relationship with hubby is that I used to trust he wouldn't hurt me. Boy, that's gone.

I'm glad that all of you replied. I just need to hear sometimes that I am normal and I want to know above all what I can expect my life to be like down the road. Gem's 2 years + into recovery, and Jenny and Catnip 4 years +. Wow, I'm amazed daily that I stick around (maybe shock, maybe hope for the future, maybe love, just so much emotion right now) But it does me good to hear your lives years down the road. Thank you ladies so so so much!!!
Merry Christmas!