Hi to everyone from a lurker. I've posted here in the past, but it's been awhile. I'm looking for some insight/advice, and I hope someone out there can help.
I'll try to be brief, but that's usually not my strong point. Last December, I was with an ex-BF although I was planning a wedding to my now husband. My husband and I have never lived together since we are from different countries and do not have immigration status. (That's another story entirely.) I kept what I did a secret, and my husband and I were married in February. In March I learned I was pregnant. For two weeks we thought the baby was my husbands even though he had a vasectomy years before. My doctor assured us it was possible. But after having an ultrasound, I learned there was no way my husband was the father. I told my husband, and it was very difficult. We went through a lot for the next few weeks. I understand how hurt he was and I can kind of understand the nasty things he said to me. Well, I couldn't "get rid" of the baby as he requested. One of the conditions of the two of us trying to work things out was that I never told my ex-BF about the baby. My husband said he would do his best to accept the baby as his. We continued working on things as the pregnancy progressed.
My daughter was born in late August. It was not until she was born that we learned she had cleft lip, cleft palate and club feet. Then on top of this, my daughter became VERY ill when she was 2.5 days old and was transported to a Children's Hospital 100 miles away. We spent the next 5 weeks at the hospital. The doctors never figured out why she became so ill. She had every test you can imagine and then some. It was a very difficult time for me, and our marriage became even more strained during this time. (We have not seen one another since June, my husband has not seen the baby.)
Now, I'll jump to present day. My husband and I are still living in separate countries. The baby is doing very well, she is scheduled for her first of several surgeries in January. My husband will not be here for it.
Finally, here is my confusion. Lately, I find myself thinking of telling my ex-BF about the baby. If I tell him, I know that my husband will file for divorce. I love my husband and I want to be with him, (I don't know if I can explain this) but I feel selfish. My daughter's issues could be genetic, in fact, the genetic doctors are monitoring her because she could have a genetic condition strictly inherited by the father. And it is also something that my ex-BF could have himself, not to mention he could pass it on to any future children. There is a big part of me that feels it would be easier on my daughter (and my older children from a previous marriage) to get this all out in the open. I just feel that if it's something she grows up with, it will be more normal for her. I don't know how my ex-BF will react. He may deny it altogether. I honestly believe that if my daughter didn't have medical issues this wouldn't be a problem for me. I'm not thinking of telling my ex-BF because I want to be with him or anything like that. I don't know, part of me thinks he should know from a medical standpoint. And also, my husband does try to accept the baby, but since he has never met her, I don't know how it will truly be. He rarely asks about her unless he knows she has an appointment, he doesn't ask me for photos. So, I'll have to admit that part of me is so afraid that my daughter will end up without a father, and will eventually blame me for it. Sometimes I feel I am denying her part of her life because I am living on the hope that my husband and I can work out our issues and actually be together.
Phew, now that I have that over with, does anyone out there have any suggestions or advice? It would be much appreciated!

I think for the sake of your daughter you should tell her father. He and she deserve to know and the medical issue should be addressed, You have an odd relationship, in that you live so far apart, I dont see how your husband can bond with a baby he has never seen, Kinda hard to expect him to. Bonding doesnt take place for a baby with out being held and cuddled and all that goes with raising a baby, I personally feel your being unrealistic, and if the boyfriend wants to be a dad, then you should give him and your child that option, I am sorry, But I dont see how you can expect this to work out living in two countries, but it is just my opinion and you should do what ever you think best, But since your husband is not in the same country as you and has never seen your baby , unless he plans on being involved soon, Your job is to protect your child and make a life for her. If you can work on your marriage in the process, Good for you,

I am sure not all will agree with me, so listen to all the advice you get, but int he end, Do what your heart and mind tell you to do.
good luck, and I hope your daughters health improves.