Well lucky me!!!!!!!! 1 Whole Year!!!!!!!!!! never in my life time would I think this could happen to me but now 1 year down the road.......still lingering.I've learned I 'm really strong but days like these still get to me. H wants to work it out But the hurt is so strong for me, and OC due in about 3 weeks, get this 1 day B/4 my birthday, lucky me again. I want nothing to do with it and I say really mean thing to him about it, but I don't feel sorry for him after all he's getting every thing he asked for, I just feel there no way possible to fix this, even if he turns his back on this oc I still feel theres no hope. Please let me know of other ways to solve this problem I know I want no contact w/her or oc, but I must wonder will it eat him up, and again it will not be fair to me!!!!! please help

Jill

just curious, have you read about love busters and such on this site, I believe the love bank works in many ways and unfortunately if you say mean things and dont try and work as a team, it will pull him away from you.
That isnt your objective. You might want to try that approach and see if it helps.
just a thought. You dont have to feel sorry for him, but if you decide to stay married, then you are a team and it isnt just about you.

Maybe a counselor could help you on the right path.

Hi Jaggerslady

It's too soon to give up. Really, it is.

Keep working on the EN's and read everything you can related to MB and follow the Harley principles. Give it more time.

The worst part of the first year is that it is the first year. Everything is too fresh and raw and the anger and grief is always right in front of us, keeping us from making clear headed decisions.

What are you doing for recovery? What is your husband doing for recovery?

Catnip =^^=

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Thanks for all your inputs,
Yes your absolutly right the first year,is still raw, I feel like I have so many 9-11's days.At present we are still together but I am so unsure if I can ever trust him, I know I want to forgive him, but I told him when I'm ready for forgivness, that it does not mean I accept what he has done, but now I'm wondering if they are a package deal?? Especially with possible OC on the way?????? Some days I feel that there nothing left to save, and it best just to cut the ties now. And other days I do have a bit of hope but only a bit. I 'm realizing that time does make thing different, but how much time to fix it all?????? I am looking forward to ending this year 2002, so I can put some of it behind me...

Thanks again
Jill

Jill:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I want to forgive him, but I told him when I'm ready for forgivness, that it does not mean I accept what he has done, but now I'm wondering if they are a package deal?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are reader then I would strongly recommend two books: Torn Asunder which you'll find at the Christian bookstore and The Art of Forgiving (When you Need to Forgive and don't know How) by Lewis Smedes.
The torn asunder book is meant for those Christians but even if you are not it is really helpful in describing the forgiveness process.
The art of Forgiving book is EXCELLENT! I have learned from this book that I am not any where near forgiving my husband.

In fact, the book suggests that you don't forgive too quickly and just sweep everything under the rug.
The book goes into great details about why we forgive, who we can forgive, does forgiveness mean "reunion", etc. The forgiveness process is really for yourself. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself so that you don't torture yourself with ugly thoughts and feelings and you don't allow them to consume your life. (Boy, some of these veterans on here would probably get a big kick out of my words here....ha) I'm quoting the book because I'm still in this stage myself so I don't want to sound like I've actually done all of this. But here goes:
We all pass through the three stages of forgiving and they are:
*We rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us
*We surrender our right to get even - (this is kinda where I'm at because I want him to know how much he hurt me and I want him to suffer as much but the book explains that there will never be a way to get even) We might get close to justice but we never bring a closure to vengeance.
*We revise our feelings toward the person we forgive. At some point we stop hating the person who wronged us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I am so unsure if I can ever trust him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, on that one I'm not sure I'm the best to answer but if you trust him at all to leave the house then it's a step. I think that for you to trust him again he'll have to alter some of his behavior. You haven't really described his behavior at all so I don't know if he calls you when he's late, does he talk to you, does he consider your feelings, is he helpful in the recovery process? If you read a lot on here I think you'll find that trust is a LONG way off.

As for the OC....UGH! I read one of your other posts and I see that money is an issue. I too am pissed off that his OW might be entitled to the FL laws 20% of his salary and any assets. It's a crock of crap. That is almost as painful for me as the actual affair. It just dumbfounds me that some ow can sleep with a married man, get pregnant, choose to have it and the law doesn't consider my family. i am a bystander as are my children (2) and so this ow gets to waltz in here and claim nearly $1000 per month. It's frightening and others here will tell you the same thing. It's maddening. Again, I would suggest you seek the advice of an attorney - at least in a consultation.

I don't want to sound like an expert here because I am even newer at this than you. I also have my days where I hate my husband and I feel like certainly throwing in the towel. My H is really trying to make this work - he is fully accountable for what he did and he has never for a minute blamed it on me or tried to get out of it. He is remorseful which helps our recovery at least a bit.

Please continue to read the posts of the veterans. They are wise ladies and they can help you.

Jill: Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Let yourself cry if you need to, vent here if you need to and read and try to understand what is happening to you. Don't try to rush the process - it is a process much like death of a loved one.

Angelia

Angelia,
Thanks so much for your input, I've done alot of reading, first b/c it nice (but sad) to know other woman go thru this too. Knowledge is power!, I'm so new to this stuff, at times i can't believe it happened to me!!!! My H want to work it out but I'm so unsure, I can't make any commitments to him, I 'm not ready.So days i'm really opened minded and say to just let lfe take it course, and other days I want to take control of my life.I don't think he realized the domino affect his A would have and another child, I feel it's a slap in the face and never want anything to do with it!!!! What about you and OC is it in your life???? How long has it been????? Is CS 20% of monthly takehome, a week or month, so if he brings home 1900, would it be 380 a week or 380 a month????/ Would you have been better off filing for child first, and why won't the stat consider the family your H already has first????? My time is closing in so soon, I just want to protect my two kids..

Thanks Jill

Jill: My d-day was November 15th so I just found out about ow and oc. Nice day for me....

OC is about 21 months old and I have not seen it and to my knowledge H has not had much to do with it. He saw it at the hospital and has seen it a couple of times but has not been acting as a father - doesn't buy presents, spend time, etc.....

OW is apparently on welfare and such we got the paternity stuff. We are working with attorney for all sorts of stuff but the basics is that she too was married but separated from her H and her H is the legal father although the state is asking for paternity test. The legal father has denied he is bio father so the state is going after my H based on her affidavit.

Anyway, H has also said all along that even if DNA proves he is bio father that he doesn't want oc and ow in his life nor ours. That is his decision and truthfully I am happy with that. Yes, I am very angry with him. I don't think he ever thought that an affair would bring this about.

According to our attorney, here in FL we would have to file for divorce and somehow get a child support entered before she does but that's probably impossible at this point because hers is already in front of the state although it hasn't been finalized.

The 20% is a monthly figure here in FL. They took his last 3 years of W-2's and since he is hourly and works ot they are supposed to take the average of the 3 years and figure out his income. The attorney says the judge can use their discretion to lower or raise 5%. That 5% is not much. He has to pay 20% of his income, plus plus 75% of the day care costs plus plus the insurance premium to add the kid to his policy if the dna test comes back or if we don't somehow get the legal father thing in our favor. As far as why they don't take our other kids into consideration is because there is not a "child support order" for them. The child support laws are f****** up. sorry for that rampage. In order for them to take our two kids into account then my income must be entered into the mix.

It is a lot to consider. It's a lot to take in and yes it pisses me off. It pisses me off that our kids may have to suffer because of his affair. Oh, yes, it does piss me off.
I tell you truthfully even though I am new at this to feel all you can feel. Talk to an attorney - like I said, ours was a free consultation and they were able in the initial consultation to tell us exactly what the state would take out of his check and it was mind-boggling.
My H is fully accountable for his actions - he has to take the blame for it. I didn't cause this kid and yes, there are days when I wonder if I can go on with him. Like many of the veterans have advised me...I just try one day at a time and hope that at some point the minutes we spend that are okay will become better.
This is not easy...it's the biggest HELL I've ever been through. It's not easy thinking about the affair in the first place and to add a kid to it just is a true slap!
I don't feel sorry for ow that she is raising this kid alone - she already has another MM that she is seeing...She knew when she met him that he was married and too bad for her. I don't think I could be as gracious as some of these women on this board who have the oc in their life. I think if that happened I'd bolt. just my feelings though.
You must search your heart and your husband must search his. You can take control of your life just by knowing what you want out of it and going from there.
Take care,
Angelia