Ow had child on the 17th of Dec. To my surprise H lied to me and went to see the baby 2 days after it was born without my knowledge. We've been in counseling over the past 5 months and it has become obvious that all of our plans on how we were going to deal with this situation was nothing more then lies. Our plan was to deal with this situation together all the way. Yesterday I discovered a cell phone given to H by ow in order to maintain contact. Can you imagine the pain that shot through my heart. I told H that if he wanted the ow and his child that I would bow out gracefully. His claim is that he is not leaving his family to start another. I know that he wants to be a part of this childs life and I feel in my heart and soul that he has feelings for that evil woman.

After finding the phone we called OW and H wanted me to tell her exactly how we planned on dealing with this matter. Needless to say she is not woman enough to deal with this on a adult level and hung up the phone. So I'm mailing her broken to pcs. phone back to her with the following note. All suggestions welcomed.

"Enclosed is the phone that you purchased for my husband. K listen! A Lot of harmful events has taken place over the past year as a result of the UNGODLY ACTIONS of YOU AND MY HUSBAND. Your reason for being angry with me does not compare to all the reasons I have to hate you. For once try to put yourself in my shoes and ask yourself does this woman have reason to feel the way that she does. But I don’t hate you K I actually feel very sorry for you and I’m willing to forgive for that sake of ALL the INNOCENT CHILDREN INVOLVED HERE. THE BIG QUESTION IS, CAN YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF AND ARE YOU WOMAN ENOUGH LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND DO WHATS BEST FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE. You don’t have a clue as to who and the type of man (meaning B) that you’re dealing with here… I DO.

My husband has made it clear that the relationship that the two of you once shared is over. I’ve given him every opportunity to leave us and go to you and I’ll bow out gracefully. But, he made it clear that he does not want you in that way but he may be willing to have your child in our lives. Now I think you’ve made it clear that you do want him in your child’s life (if it is in fact his child) And we’re letting you know that from now on all contact with my husband for what ever reason has to be made through me. At this point K there’s no need for you and I to carry on like bitter wild women. Face it the damage is done you’re hurting just as I am. Let’s be civilized adults and think about our children here. Know that I’m not reaching out to harm you in any way. Feel free to call me."

I can't help but feel that H is protecting this ow at the expense of my feelings. I wish I could just pack my bags and move as far away from this situation as I can. God I hurt. I can't believe that people can be so uncaring and devious. Why should I care at all? No one cared about me and my daughters feelings! Through it all I pray that I don't end up in bankruptcy court.

Please any one ;( Can someone give me some advice

Hi
I can't help you much with this but I have a suggestion. Post this over in the General Questions Board. There are tons of people there and maybe between the two forums you can get more of a response.

This is indeed sad what you are going through.

Try that okay. Hope it works. Zoey

Maybe title the thread.

URGENT/NEED HELP WITH LTR TO OW/WHO JUST HAD A BABY WITH MY H.

Something like that. I think there is more traffic in that forum than here. I just floated by here and your post caught my eye.

Sorry for your pain.
Praying for you
Zoey

Copy and paste your letter here over in that message so they can help you.

Dear robbed,

You have come to the right place -- just at a rotten time of year... the boards are SUPER-slow... and I just know you'd get fantastic advice from the ladies here -- IF THEY WERE HERE.

Monday should be a bit better, but still not great with New Years Eve around the corner... I'm so sorry... because clearly you are in great pain.

I do not usually post in this forum, but I did want to tell you that if it were me, as much as I'd want to send the note, I wouldn't do it. In fact, I'd wait until after the holidays to do ANYthing. Honestly. And then... what happens regarding the child will be determined by your husband, and you DO need to set your boundaries. The idea that you all talk (OW included) sounds good on paper, but I'd make sure you have legal representation if you do it... you do not want ANY verbal agreements.

Treat this situation as an affair. Not because of the child, but because of this OW. Your husband will be feeling guilt about this child, and perhaps a connection - and if you push him to make promises now, you can almost guarantee that they will be broken promises. He's too emotional. So, please, don't do anything yet. I'm afraid you'll make it worse, not better.

Please look back through this forum for titles that seem like they fit your situation. There's tons of information here...

And I wish you peace, and tons of luck... it's a hard, hard road you're on... I don't envy you at all. Most of us never had to deal with an other child...

Dear robbed,

I am also sorry that you are suffering with this situation like the rest of us here. It is all very new to you now, so please don't despair. The emotions and feelings change on a daily basis. Most of us are able to cope one day and deeply depressed another day during the first year.

My H was just like yours. He kept things from me in the beginning and it seemed like he was doing everything to protect the OW rather than protect me. We had the opportunity to talk about this months later once our communication skills had improved. He told me that since he had re-committed to our marriage and stayed with me, he felt that we were moving towards a positive situation even though he knew he had caused me incredible pain. But, he felt awful that he had lied to the OW and basically ruined her life by leaving her with a child to raise alone.

I would suggest that you read everything you can get your hands on about relationships, forgiveness, coping with infidelity. There is not much (if anything) available on dealing with children from affairs, but the books on general affairs are extremely helpful. They let you know your feeling are natural and help you cope with them.

As far as the letter to the OW is concerned, I would delete the entire first paragraph. You want to operate from a position of strength as a team -- you and your H. You do not need to tell her anything about your pain. And, please be very careful not to use language like "ungodly actions" or "hate you" because that can be used against you later in court proceedings. She could try to say that you hate her and, therefore, might be a danger to her child.

Be very careful of anything that you send in writing or any messages you may leave on answering machines. Always make sure your message is clear and unemotional.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel. There are many of us on MB who are in recovered marriages. As long as you and your H are willing to do the work of rebuilding the trust in your marriage, you can make it through.

Your H not telling you about the cell phone and his visit to the hospital are definitely setbacks, but please take into consideration that his emotions are running high too. Neither one of you knew how you would react once the child was actually born and the ex-OW might have been putting a great deal of pressure on him as well.

You said in your letter to the OW that your H might want the child to be a part of your life. Does that mean he is not sure about contact? How do you feel about it? It is very important that you both agree on the approach, especially when it comes to contact.

Right now it is important that you work on your marriage and family and that you feel secure enough to start trusting him again.

I hope this helps a bit. I am in a bit of a hurry so I hope it all makes sense. I will be in touch later. Good luck.

love,
heavenly

Thank you all for responding. I will take your advice. Please know that I may not get back to the boards in a timely manner do to job ect.. but I need and am looking forward to and appreciate all of your advice support and help. Thanks for being her. Please know that I will answer the questions asked later this evening. thank you all so much & God bless.

"You said in your letter to the OW that your H might want the child to be a part of your life. Does that mean he is not sure about contact? How do you feel about it? It is very important that you both agree on the approach, especially when it comes to contact."

For the record I opted to send the phone back without the letter in an envelope addressed by H.

Heavenly, I'm not sure what H wants anymore. I don't think he really knows what he wants. All I know is that I'm sick an tired of the lies and deceit and most of all I will not knowingly share my H with another woman (note that I didn't say OC). He actually told me today that he's tired of going to counseling. In that case I can see clearly where we're headed. Talking to my husband is not easy. He's often lost for words and sits there like a lump on a log with little to say. Or he gets an instant attitude because what he heard is more then likely the opposite of what my have attempted to say.

In all honesty I don't want H to have any contact with OW or OC until our marriage is capable of handling it and until he is no longer emotionally connected.

In all honesty I don't want H to have any contact with OW or OC until our marriage is capable of handling it and until he is no longer emotionally connected.

But, is that fair or realistic? What will it take for you to feel your M can handle it? And if you don't know, how will he? tew

FAIR?

Nothing in this situation is fair. I have to think about whats best for MY children, not whats best his and the OW's child. She's obviously not willing to deal with this matter as a mature adult.
Its going to take a whole lot of soul searching and trust building to get through this. Its going to take the OW accepting the fact that with my H comes our Family and no relationship between the two of them. Her goal at this point is to disrupt or breakdown my marriage in hopes of building a family with my H. ou can't build a family with a cell phone.

robbed,
I agree nothing about EMR is fair.

Its going to take the OW accepting the fact that with my H comes our Family and no relationship between the two of them. Her goal at this point is to disrupt or breakdown my marriage in hopes of building a family with my H. ou can't build a family with a cell

However, you have no control over the OW accepting the above. What will it take from your H to be ok w/ contact?

Also is patternity testing an issue? tew

H needs to change location of job. H needs to confront and deal with his sexual addiction. H needs to totally recommit to marriage. H needs search for spiritual growth. I can go on and on. But so far we take it one day at a time. To tell you the truth I've been through so much for so many years I'm not far from cutting my losses and walking away without looking back. If I were to ever tell my whole story you all might kick me for staying in such a relationship.

Oh yes as for paternity a test is a must. I wouldn't have it any other way before a dime comes out of my household.