The question.....Don't I (you) deserve better than someone who will betray me?

Answers: Please feel free to respond....

Angelia

angelia,
Do you and I deserve better than to be betrayed? Yes.

Other Questions to consider:
--do you think it will happen again?
--what steps are you taking together to prevent that?
--do you think your marriage will grow better?
--do you really think other men (if you were divorced and remarried) are better than the H you have now?
--do you know whatever unresolved issues you have in this marriage would VERY likely repeat themselves in your next relationship (if you had one)?? (same for your H!!)
--do you know the divorce rate for second marriages is statistically higher than for first ones?

These are things that helped me to stay and work on the marriage I already had.

J, recovery 4y and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny: Thanks for those questions.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do you think it will happen again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I really don't.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what steps are you taking together to prevent that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm doing lots of reading, we're completing exercises, he talks to me, we argue a lot, I LB a lot (I am angry), and we spend time together doing stuff that we used to always like to do together.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do you think your marriage will grow better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H thinks so. He agrees that it will never be the same but he thinks it can be better. I don't know. I am obsessed with this stuff. I think about it non-stop. So, no matter what we're doing I think about it. He has had a couple of years on me to get over it and he made all the choices - to have affair, to end it, to be with me, etc. The only choice he didnt' make was whether or not to actually have oc.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you really think other men (if you were divorced and remarried) are better than the H you have now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think my H has some great qualities. He is handy at home - he is affectionate - he is hard working - he is athletic - he is handsome - he is a great father to our two kids - he is giving - he is thoughtful (and yet at the same time he wasn't thoughtful when he was betraying me and creating possible oc)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you know whatever unresolved issues you have in this marriage would VERY likely repeat themselves in your next relationship (if you had one)?? (same for your H!!) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes ma'am. I do know that. Maybe that is why I'm allowing myself to go through this. Do these issues ever get resolved? How do you resolve the fact that your husband had an itch that he scratched? How do you resolve selfishness on one person's part? How do you resolve deceitfulness?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you know the divorce rate for second marriages is statistically higher than for first ones? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is our second for both of us.....Guess the statistics for the third marriages would be even worse....(I am kinda being a smart @$$). Yes, I do know.

Jenny: Truthfully....this just hurts and I am working through it. I really feel obsessed right now. I feel like I can't let it go. I'm reading the Art of Forgiving book and I love that book. In the Torn Asunder book I think I'm somewhere between the anger and anguish stage. I don't know if my H will put up with the time it takes to get over this. His personality is totally different. His head tells him that he needs to give me time but when I'm attacking him (and yes, I am admitting that I do attack him) he doesn't want it. At that point he wants me to get over it.
He wants me to stop talking about it daily although he is very gracious and answers all of my questions. I thought the discovery weekend would take care of my questions but I can't seem to let go of it.
I wish I could describe his personality - He is a leader type personality which in short means that he is able to cross hurdles in his life with relative ease. He doesn't look back much and continually presses forward. Life doesn't get to him. he handles challenges well, is able to multi-task like crazy, is very adept at making quick decisions and just running with them. Sometimes his decisions are poor but nonetheless he makes them. He doesn't waffle in his life - he is always on the go. He is spontaneous and fun. He is highly competitive and like many athletes if there is a loss - he looks for the next game (or challenge)
I am a people person - I like to chat (as you can probably tell by my postings). I am introspective and mull over almost every detail of my life. I am not spontaneous - I was sexually abused as a child so affection does not come easy for me but he has taught me great deals about love and affection. (So, that he betrayed me is a huge thing) I watch him and admire so many of his traits and qualities. He completes me and I complete him which again is why this wigs me out so much. He has always called me his 'rib' meaning that I was the rib taken out of him to make me. (Biblical, ya know)
Anyway, so, the fact that he destroyed all of our marriage over a piece of @$$ is killing me.

Can I forgive him - yes, but I'm not there yet. Do I hate him now - yes and no. Do I wish there were a magical wand - YES!!! Do I know where I want to be? Part of me wants to stay with him and see where this goes and the other part of me wants to run like hell because I'm hurting and I can't believe he betrayed me. I am very angry that he chose another woman (even for a short time) over me. I am angry that he shared her pregnancy, I am angry that he changed light bulbs in her house, I am angry that he didn't think about us, I am angry that he didn't come home to handle our issues and I am angry that he called all the shots - i.e. he decided to have affair, continue in affair, go through pregnancy, after birth, then decided at some point (and he tells me that at the point she got pregnant he had already really stopped seeing her and then got the dreaded call - he claims that everything after that was in efforts to keep me from finding out because he wanted to be here and didn't want to hurt me). Anyway, I feel like he had all his fun (yes, he suffered some hurt too), and then brought all this sh** home for us to handle. I am just plain ole angry.

jenny: please write back - i thank you for your words - they are helpful even though my words may not sound like it I am taking it all in and just muddling my way through this.
Thanks again !!!! BTW, what's your situation - contact, none, child support, how did your H handle this? was he super husband or did you go through these things too?
Praying today for God's mercy!
Angelia

angelia,
I apologize for not having much time--sometimes that comes off as curt.

I apologize if you think I'm rushing you, because one MONTH is NOT the time frame for "getting over" this stuff!!!!!!!---please make sure your H hears (and from others sources beyond you if possible) that it takes @2 YEARS to fully recovery from adultery, and that stat doesn't include dealing with an OC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Repeat: TWOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEEEEEEARS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Is it possible to get yourselves into couple's counseling??? (With an MB-friendly counselor, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

You asked: Do these issues ever get resolved? <s>How do you resolve selfishness on one person's part? How do you resolve deceitfulness?

I agree that adultery is selfish and deceitful, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but the issues behind it are so much deeper.

We used the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring and she goes into enormous detail about all kinds of related issues... what makes us vulnerable to affairs, childhood issues, what was going on at the time of the affair (NOT that it is an excuse but it can be enlightening to look at, grouped with other factors), types of affairs,... then there's "high-risk" and "low-risk" CONCRETE ways your H can win back your trust in him!! Gives him something he can DO to help! There's a LOT of good stuff in that book.

angelia, your feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL and UNDERSTANDABLE!!!!! On another thread I gave ideas for dealing with the sadness and anger, but I can't remember whose thread right now. You can't expect--and your H cannot!!--this all to go away like magic just because HE'S had time to deal with it. That's nuts. You need a lot of time for "transition" (to put it lightly!!!!!).

Did I go through your feelings? OH LORDY LORDY DID I!! And I was still obsessing over the A/XOW at 1 year, 1.5, even some around year 2, but it gets better and better, with occasional setbacks. I feel confident comparing the pain of A/OC to the pain of losing a child (been through both).

A. lasted @1y. XOW was a "friend" of mine: double betrayal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> H and I moved overseas (military duty) before OC's birth. We tried sending gifts to OC for 2y, but XOW couldn't "play nice" (to say the least!!) so we quit this year. No contact is better than ugly contact; but we are open to the OC if OC were to contact us at later age. Our marriage counselor advised us not to tell our children @OC until their teens unless visitation happens before then--not looking likely. We had DNA and ch-support is court-ordered amount.

He has always said he wanted the marriage and not the XOW, and he worked hard on recovery suggestions from MB and "After the Affair" as well as going for couples counseling; we were doing GREAT!! This year he backslid--inappropriate emailing another woman--he cut contact and agreed to go to individual counseling for his issues, for projecting things onto me that are actually from his childhood. He's doing some awesome work on himself that he would not have done if he weren't so scared of losing me and kids. He's a good man and a good husband. He's not perfect. I haven't commited adultery, but I'm not perfect either.

I guess I'd rather fix the car I've got than get another used model---there IS no such thing as a "new" model (you know what I mean?). He and I both grow better as human beings by working it out.

I'm glad I could be of small help. Let me know if there's anything else that helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Be gentle with yourself!
Godbless,
J, 4.5years and glad I stayed

Jenny: I didn't think you were being curt...I've seen some of your other postings and thought you were just giving some good advice. I just wanted MORE!!!!

See you old veterans here on the board assume that us newbies know that time is what it takes but we don't feel that there is any time.....so, no, I'm not offended and didn't think you were rushing me! I'm glad you responded.

I hear ya on fixing the old model since none of them are new.

I spent some time talking to a dear friend today and since I am so good at turning people out of my life who abuse me (my father and mother in particular) it sort of seems clear that my thoughts are on leaving instead of staying. This would be the first relationship that I didn't run from. I am hurting and I keep thinking that the only way to get him back and make him hurt is to leave.

I'm gonna look for that book. I am not sure he'll do couple counseling - comes from a long line of folks that don't believe in even talking about problems outside the family much less to a counselor. I am gonna go myself and hope that the counselor can help me anyway.

He has read portions of Torn Asunder and understands the timeline however when your wife is verbally attacking you he doesn't care about the timeline. That's the truth.

Anyway, thanks again for responding. I wish my H were still military and I could get orders far away from here. The ow and possible oc live about three blocks away - what I wouldn't do for an overseas assignment (just not Saudi or Kuwait and certainly non-accompanied! haha) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

angelia,
I want you to know I read your reply, and THANK you for the compliment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm not sure what else to say, except that I think you're doing great, even though it feels lousy, and that all your dedication can only help your marriage in the long run. I'm sorry you can't run off to another country too, but I'll tell you one thing--no matter how far you run, you still have to live with your SELF, and that means taming the demons of the mind...

I'll be around! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
God bless recovery,
J
(PS My H used to hate counselors too!!! That's why it was a big deal that he was willing to go to one for our marriage recovery, and now to go for individual--it's a miracle! But it will help you even if you go alone.).