My wife and i have been married for almost 14 years. Five years ago, i slept twice with a woman i met overseas. To this day, i don't know why, and have regretted it ever since, and i have never thought of doing it again because of the guilt. I never told her about it. Two years ago, she started getting very irresponsible with our money, and would lie to me about it. I would go off on her, giving her the fix it or lose me speech. I would go through her stuff looking for bills that she would hide from me, and she would obviously get upset because i went through her stuff, but i felt i had a right to know. Nothing changed. She kept lying to me, and i would only respond with anger. Six months ago I found out she was talking to numerous men online, and had called at least one of them. She denied it at first, until she was confronted with the evidence. She works at a coffe shop, where a lot of 15-18 year olds hang out. I started to get suspicious, but she denied everything. Two weeks ago I found a letter to herself about having slept with another man. I confronted her with the letter, and she denied it, until i called who i thought it was, and he said that he slept with her once. I then told her about my infidelity. She then told me that she wanted to go away by herself to think. She went to the hotel in Florida by the beach that we go to alot. She left last Friday, and said she would return monday afternoon, and she is still not back. This experience has opened my eyes about how much i have neglected her through our marriage. I realize that i never communicated the way i felt to her, and she never seemed to be totally loved by me. I am willing to do anything to fix my past failures, but i don't know if it's too late. She said that she felt disgusting and sick after sleeping with him, and that there is no feelings toward him. I don't think she went to Florida with him, but i think she went with someone, and just won't tell me. Because of her past dishonesty about everything, i don't know whether to believe her or not when she says there is no one else. I don't know how to confront her about being honest with me about if there is someone else. She gets defensive and avoids the truth at all costs. I'm thinking about going to her work and looking in her locker to see if there is stuff there because she knows i will find it in the house. I realize i have been the major factor in our marriage's demize. I'm wondering if i should just i accept the writing on the wall and call it quits, or see if there is any hope of making this work.

Gee, rik999, are you my H?<P>You see, I once had a problem with handling money. I didn't develop this problem until after my H decided that I was squandering his money. True, we didn't have much spending money, but I wasn't blowing it. I was paying extra on washing machine payments so we'd get it paid off faster. After my H suddenly decided to jump on my butt about every penny, I became very resentful. Now, I didn't set out to become irresponsible with money; I've figured out that I was subconsciously living up to the accusations and "getting back at him."<P>Now, I tend to believe that he may have started cheating back then (26 years ago), but so far he has only admitted to cheating 13 years ago--and yes, it's taken me 13 years to get the truth out of him about that--even though I've told him over and over that I know he did because of an STD he brought home to me. I'm not totally convinced that he's told me everything. He just finally realized that I was so fed up over a current suspicious woman, he was about to lose me. I left him an ultimatum letter and disappeared for a couple of days.<P>So, I basically think you and your wife need to get some serious counseling. Her behavior with money may stem from her already having a gut instinct that you cheated and a lot of anger over it.<P>So, what you need to do is to get off her butt. The woman doesn't believe that you love her, and you need to convince her of that. So get busy.

Hi freshly hurt,<P>How are you today? Did she return? Did you go to her locker at work?<P>Why did you mention the job with 15-18 year olds - do you think she is regressing from the company she keeps now?<P>I think you still have some hope, and don't need to call it quits. There are a lot of things you can try to get your marriage back on track, and make it fulfilling to boot.<P>That was a lot of disclosure for one moment, her affair and your affair. <P>Who do you think she is in a relationship with now? <P>Keep posting, and read the site! It is excellent for ideas on what to do next.

tnt,<P>I'm not doing so good. She returned Monday night. i wasn't confrontational. I told her i was willing to fight for this marriage, and asked her if she was willing to fight also. Right now, she's not. She says she still loves me. She feels(and i agree) that she gave everything she had into this marriage for at least the first 10 years or more, but i didn't give back to her what she gave to me. She said the only reason she would fight for the marriage right now is for me and the kids, not because SHE wants to. Her stance is she is going to do what she needs to do, and she told me to do what I need to do, and if we both end up on the same sheet of music, then fine. If not, fine. I have made her feel that i don't trust anything she does or says, which part of me doesn't. We started to see a counselor after the e-mails, but neither one of us was living up to the promises we made to each other in the counseling. I was still questioning her, not saying telling her i love her, letting her know how much i want to be with her. She was still being financially irresponsible. The "man" she slept with was one of the 17 year olds. I dont't believe she is seeing him, as i talked with his mother. The day she left to go on her trip, i picked her up from work, she dropped me off, and then left immediately without changing out of the clothes she wore to work. I didn't think she would wear those on a 4 hour drive, and went to change somewhere else. Before she left, she had at least some desire to fight for the marriage, would still hug me, and kiss me. As soon as she got back, it was completely the opposite-wouldn't get near me, seemed very distant, even agreed that it might be good for me to get stationed somewhere else for 6 months or a year, and after that time, maybe she would want to stay with me, maybe she wouldn't. She said that she doesn't feel i will change. This site has caused me to look at everything in a different perspective. I AM willing to change, but i realize that she or i won't change over night. The morning after she got back, i did my old stuff-dug through her purse, and found a letter to her supposedly written by a man that said how much he was looking forward to the weekend, the fun, the sex, etc. It KINDA looked like her writing,and I couldn't read the signature. I confronted her about it, not in a yelling, screaming way, but i still did. She said she wrote it to test me to see if i was still digging through her stuff. I don't know whether to believe it or not. Part of me does, part of me doesn't. Later i was cleaning out the car, and i found a reciept form the day she left of where she bought a douche and a bottle of Taylor Spumante wine, when she normally drinks wine coolers, and i figured she wanted to make herself feel clean for her new lover. That's when i went to her work and checked her locker when she wasn't working, and didn't find anything. I wanted to confront her about the reciept, but went to see the marriage counselor by myself instead, and told her EVERYTHING, which she didn't know about before. I came home, and indirectly confronted her about the reciept. She said it was nothing out of the norm, and that a friend of hers told her to try the Spumante if she liked wine coolers. She seems like she has given up. She went over to a girlfriend's house whose husband is gone on a deployment right now and is also having marrital problems the yesterday, the day after she got back from her trip. She ate supper over there, and watched a couple of movies. It didn't bother me in the way it would have a couple of weeks ago, as far as i didn't think she was with someone else, and i wasn't mad. It just makes me sad, because she is trying to avoid me,and because she fought for so long to make this work when i wasn't, and now when I am FINALLY willing to try, she's not. She doesn't think i like the person she really is. For years and years, she SEEMED happy raising the kids and following my military career. But i never wanted her to be overshadowed by me, and to look back in 30 years and regret her life. She always felt that i wanted her to do things to better herself because i was embarassed of her. She says now that she doesn't think i like who she really is. If it's the person who is now more independent and speaks her opinion, that's great. But i have a hard time dealing with a 31 y/o married woman with a 10 and 13 y/0 child hanging out at a coffee shop all the time with a bunch of teenagers. She got her nose pierced while she was gone this past weekend. She's wanted it for a long time, and she had her belly button done last year. I have no problem if she wants to do this, but i'm afraid she is trying to relive the teenage years she never got from being a 17 y/o wife with a child. I don't know how to talk to her right now, what to think. She is so indifferent about everything. There is a lot of justifiable resentment from her, and i'm doing my best not to attack back. I don't think i can use the MB advice, because in her words, she is tired, needs time, and doesn't know what she wants out of life until she thinks about herself for once and makes herself happy. How should i tackle my suspicions about another man? I've told her and really feel that if it's over and she is in love with someone else, i'll move along. But i just need to know! Thanks for the encouragement. I don't know how i would make it without this!<P>[This message has been edited by rik999 (edited September 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by rik999 (edited September 08, 1999).]

Dear freshly hurt,<P>Wow, what a post. Your post made me want to just shake your wife, slap her a couple of times and wake her up. I am so sorry you are going through so much pain.<P>Actually, though, your situation is difficult but not unsolvable. There is definitely some hope here, if you want to work at it.<P>I'm hoping some others will chime in soon, and build on what I am going to say.<P>* It sounds as if she is having an ongoing affair and there may be more than one guy she has been seeing.<P>At this point, after you have determined that she is having an affair, it does YOU no good to continue snooping. It puts your mind in a frame of thinking that is negative, confrontational, and keeps you from focusing on your goal.<P>* I wouldn't trust anything she says right now, but do not call her a liar or accuse her. Those are lovebusters. You must learn all about those lovebusters - they destroy any hope left in your marriage.<P>* Start using protection during sex. You must think of your safety. You don't have to explain why - that would be a lovebuster.<P>* Your wife would love for you to go away for 6 months so she wouldn't have to look you in the eyes, or continue to lie to you about her affair(s?). I wouldn't go, if I were you.<P>* I think your best solution is a Plan A, which is trying to meet her needs, and NO lovebusters. It is very difficult maneuver, let me tell you. You run the risk of feeling taking advantage of, and feeling like your needs are not being met. You must have and show the fortitude of wanting the goal, and never lift your eyes off of the goal. The goal? Restored and FULFILLING marriage.<P>* You don't need her cooperation to begin the rebuilding process. The theory is (and I've seen it work in my marriage and others here have too) that 2 people in a marriage are 2 parts of one unit. If one part changes their behavior, the other part adjusts accordingly. It is true, as you experiment with this you will see this happen.<P>* Financially you must protect yourself. If you are in the military, I'm sure they have consumer credit counseling services. Use it. Budget in a small amount of unaccountable money for your wife, and the same for you. But start working on rebuilding your financial future. Very important. This may be a need she has - for financial security, and it seems this is one up for you against the Other Man (OM).<P>* Come to this site often. Read EVERYTHING you can under Surviving an Affair, His needs Her needs, Basic Concepts, etc. The information is invaluable.<P>* Start a thread and post to Sir Hurts A Lot. He has been there, and can really help you stay the course. I suggest him, because his wife was ongoing with her affair for quite a while, and he did an excellent plan A. <P>If you need prayers, don't be afraid to ask. Many of us will pray for you if you want.<P>God bless.<BR>Connie

As far as financially, i have fixed that as much as possible-she has no access to my paycheck or accounts, i filed a disclaimer on her so she can't try to cash any checks through the military. Right now, sex doesn't even seem like an option. She won't even come close to touching me- we went birthday shopping for my daughter today and went to lunch(my idea), and she was polite, and that's about it. I never mentioned anything about the situation. I found out she has started smoking, she knows how much idon't like smoking, but she said oh well, that's a part of her and it she only does it for stress- it's either that or vomit(she's been diagnosed as bulemic and is on prozac). She confronted me with it when i threw away the car cigarette lighter yesterday and she must have went to use it, and it wasn't there. She asked me this morning why i did that, and i told her because someone was smoking in the car, then she admitted it was her. I don't know if i can do this. It's so hard dealing with the dishonesty- all i want to do is believe her, but i can't- she is dishonest about everything. While birthday shopping, we were in a clothing store in the mall, and the cashier said something about the top she was wearing-it was one the store sold, and my wife told her she had the shorts to match, the same shirt and shorts that she told me she got at goodwill. I didn't LB- i pretended i forgot she told me, and obviously she forgot. How do you start a thread? I'm not the most computer literate person. Thanks for all the help!<p>[This message has been edited by rik999 (edited September 08, 1999).]

rik999, <P>I've been in your shoes and I know the pain you are experiencing oh so well. It hurts a lot. <P>The good news is that there is hope. You and your wife CAN recover from this. You and your wife can have a wonderful marriage together. you both CAN be happy. <P>The not so good news is that this will be the fight of your life. It will test you beyond what you think your limits are. You will endure loads of rejection. You may even have to suffer with your wife continung in her affair for a while (I did). But, it is possible to recover and rebuild (or a better way of saying that - start new).<P>First, quit snooping. You know your wife had an affair. You know she is now questioning your trust. You know more than I'm sure you want to know. The more you find out, the damage it will do to you and your efforts to win back your wife's heart. So, take the first step and start trying to trust again. <P>Her feelings of wanting to give up are much like my wife's were. I neglected my wife for many years I am sorry to say. She probably reached out to you many times for companionship and finally gave up as my wife did. At that point, she started protecting her heart from you to avoid any further damage. <P>My wife wanted to leave. She wanted space. She wanted to feel special. She wanted to feel that someone cared for her. She wanted passion. And she did not want me. She stayed for the kids. <P>I did all the wrong things at first. I transformed into a perfect husband overnight. That not only angered her, it drove her further from me. Two months after she told me she no longer loved me, would never find me attractive again, we were nere lovers, etc, I snooped and found that she was involved with another man. I was devasted. I found several hundred emails between her and the OM. The things that they wrote to one another gutted me to the core. This woman who I called my wife, not only said she no longer loved me, but gave herself to another man. I felt less than human. What did I do to drive her away? After weeks of weeping and begging and pleading, I set out to win her back. This was my wife of 16 years. I wasn't going down with out a fight. If I had confronted her at that time, I know she would have left. I wanted to give her every reason to stay.<P>You will never open the door to a woman's heart without a simple magic key - conversation. Not only did we grow a part as husband and wife, we weren't friends anymore. I started talking to her. I became interested in eveything she did. At first, this was tough. but I kept trying. I kept asking her questionions about everything. Slowly over a long period of time we became friends again. We started enjoing each others company. <P>We started dating again. She didn't want to at first. But, I kept asking. Now we go everywhere; play, movies, concerts, dinners, dancing, everything I can think of. You have to spend time with one another. Even if it's doing ordinary things. Watch TV together. Go on a walk, something, anything.<P>Marriage is about little things. Noticing things. I never realized all she did for me and the kids. I started complimenting her and thanking her. I started telling her why I appreciate her. Now, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't compliment her about something. <P>Finally, your wife, all wives need lots and lots of non-sexual touch. They live for affection. Showing affection shows security in a relationship. but, you are not going to get a lot of touching in until you are friends again. It just takes a long time to rebuild from all the damage that we neglectful guys did. Little by little you try touching her again. This will be hard for her, because I'm sure in the past all touching was mostly associated with sex. So, you have to take it slow and expect nothing in return. Offer a foot rub after her long day at the coffee shop. Maybe give a hair rub while you are watching tv. Now, I give my wife a back rub every night. I love touching her a lot and she likes it to. <P>My marriage is still not where I want it to be. I am hopeful she will start giving. When she does, I cherish the moment. I love to give now. I feel I owe it to her for the way I treated her for so long. <P>the nice thing about all this giving is that I have fallen head over heals for my wife. More so than I ever remember. She is slowly warming up to me again. We are very good friends again. We enjoy each other again. We have a long way to go, but I just take one day at a time. <P>I hope this help. Please don't hesitate to ask me any thing. You can work through this. It will take real change on your part, but it is possible and I think you will like the changes too.<P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

Hi freshly hurt,<P>You start a thread by double clicking "Posting a new Topic". I guess I should have said post a new topic instead of "thread".<P>Sir Hurts A Lot - thanks.<P>If you double click the sunglasses, you can read each other's profiles. This is where you registered and, summed up your story.<P>While looking under someone's profile, you can see how many posts they've written. There is also an area on that page to double click to see all the posts by that user name.<P>Sir Hurts A Lot knew about wife's affair, and kept finding out more and more and more. He monitored it's progress, and kept the Plan A up. I don't think it's good to monitor the progress, it is soooo very painful - to do that especially without lovebusters.<P>You have to be very very careful not to lovebust, okay?<P>

Too late-i love busted big time! I let her read some of this site, and boy did she blow up! She can't believe i went to her work. She ADAMANTLY denies another man. Right now, she says she wants NO contact with any man-she hates men, and is repulsed by their touch. I told her i want to fight for this so bad, but she says she isn't willing to. The other night we both 'agreed' to stay together until i can pay off the remnants of her irresponsibility- which should be January-March timeframe. I had to sell our second vehicle almost 2 years ago to pay for some of her bounced checks(you're looking at $10,000 in about 3 months on military pay) so we have only one vehicle. I told her that if i moved out, i would be very resentful because she would have the one car, and i would have a bicycle. I am preparing for worse case. I refuse to leave this marriage with nothing. I told her that i have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so i am going to fight for this marriage, and prove to her that I can change. She told me to don't expect anything from her, and she doesn't want to do anything resembling a date, even go to a movie with me right now-she doesn't want to give me false hopes. I will tell you right now, the devil in me wants to just give up-find somebody else that maybe is more compatible to me. She likes to hang around the young kids because they don't judge her, which she justifiably feels i do to her all the time- they take her for the way she is. I feel she has lost touch with reality, and is rebelling against everything. After hearing from you guys, I realize that this won't be fixed overnight, but i'll admit right now, she has given me almost no hope with fixing it. You guys have been my saving grace-gave me hope, and even though i love busted, i didn't as bad as i would have-if only i started looking 6 months ago! I guess everyone has to learn the hard way! I'll start a new topic after this. I have a feeling i'm going to become a very frequent visitor to this site. Thanks for everything.

rik999, I said many of the same things your wife did to my H. For me, I think it was a way of making him take responsibility for the hurt he caused me. He was going to have to prove he loved me and wanted to stay married to me before I was going to put my heart on the line again. I loved him with all my heart, but there was no way I was going to say that until I knew he felt the same. I was too afraid of being hurt. Your W says she still loves you, but she is tired of giving and not getting. I think you should take SHA's approach and show her how much she means to you. Actions definitely speak louder than words. I didn't want my husband to tell me how much he loved me, I wanted to be able to feel it in his actions. It will take time and it won't be easy. Hang in there, it will be worth it.<BR>"I told her i was willing to fight for this marriage, and asked her if she was willing to fight also. Right now, she's not. She says she still loves me. She feels(and i agree) that she gave everything she had into this marriage for at least the first 10 years or more, but i didn't give back to her what she gave to me."

Since lovebusting seems to be your worst enemy right now, let's work on that first.<P>Do you have teeth? Okay. Those teeth aren't just for beautiful smiles, or chewing. They are for stopping lovebusters. You see, when your stomach starts churning, and that venom starts to work it's way up to your mouth, by that time your mind has thought of all things to say. So, it takes everything you got to clamp down on that evil tongue.<P>Because out of the mouth comes the feelings of the heart. So, we've got lots of work to do. First, training your teeth to automatically respond to your tongue. You can get really good at it, we all do!<P>Okay, then you have to decide how to rephrase what you really want to say. We'll help you with that. And the other thing, is delayed reaction. DO NOT REACT immediately. Write it down, like a list - of something you want to address, and as your list gets longer and longer, then make an appointment for real communication with your wife. And pick one thing that is the most important from your list. If it goes well, then go for one more. Eventually your list will get smaller, because you will have trained yourself how to communicate.<P>Do not even talk about the affair, or anything like that subject - watch what choose for movies, sitcoms, company, etc. - learn what the triggers are that set you off. You must absolutely learn how to control this first.<P>Go back and read basic concepts. And "shoving the MB principles down her throat" won't help either. Like I said before, you probably will have to do this alone. But, as you start to see some progress, it will give you the motivation to continue.<P>Lower your expectations of progress. It is also important.<P>We will be throwing so much at you in the beginning, your head will be spinning. That is okay. Just learn how to train those ole' teeth to do more than eat and smile, okay?

Okay! After i love busted, i felt bad, because you guys are trying to help me, and i didn't listen, i let the feelings that got me into this mess override what i knew to be the right way to handle this. Thank god this is a written forum instead of a verbal one, or i wouldn't be able to communicate because of no tongue! I have an appt with the counselor tommorrow am- it helps me to physically talk to someone about it, and she even had her own experience years ago with an affair and a 2 year seperation, but she is not allowed to give advice, it is up to me to come up with the right decision, which is hard to do sometimes, especially when i obviously am not very good at that! heading back to BC now.

I think your decision is to try and work on the marriage, or you wouldn't be here. It's good to talk to the counselor - maybe copy off some of the MB material for sharing.<P>I read somewhere in there the Harley methods have a 90% success rate. So, don't get discouraged, okay!!!<P>God Bless. Sending you some cyber medicine for that ole' tongue...

rik999 - You need to put the brakes on. I know you are going through h*** right now, but you don't want to cause any further damage to your marriage. These days are crucial for you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Too late-i love busted big time!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>At least you are now catching yourself love busting - so stop doing it now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I let her read some of this site, and boy did she blow up!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, but now she knows you really are interested in working on your marriage and are willing to seek help. You may not know it now, but you planted a seed.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She can't believe I went to her work. She ADAMANTLY denies another man.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Apologize. Start learning how to say "I'm sorry" and "I was wrong to do that". Perhaps some flowers are in order? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Right now, she says she wants NO contact with any man-she hates men, and is repulsed by their touch.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't think she really hates men. She is big time POed. You are now the receiptiant of all the crapy things men have ever done to her. Your a man, your close, and you will get dumped on. Take it - like a man. Don't love bust.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I told her i want to fight for this so bad, but she says she isn't willing to.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't tell her this anymore. Talk is cheap. You are going to have to win her back by your actions. Your new mantra should be "Unconditional love". <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The other night we both 'agreed' to stay together until i can pay off the remnants of her irresponsibility- which should be January-March timeframe.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Drag it out as long as you can. Winning her back while she is out of the house is extremely tough. As long as she is with you, you can show her real change. It's going to take a long time though. Your marriage did not fall a part over night. You won't put it back together overnight either.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I told her that if i moved out, i would be very resentful because she would have the one car, and i would have a bicycle.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Stop telling her these kind of things. I know you are upset, but these words don't win hearts. Start thinking more positively. Tell her you'll make it. Tell her you both can get through this. Remember what your mama always said "If you can't say something nice..."<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am preparing for worse case. I refuse to leave this marriage with nothing.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>That's fine. Plan for the worse, but again keep it to yourself.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...and prove to her that I can change.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Good!!! That's what she really wants to see. Now start walking the walk.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She told me to don't expect anything from her,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>She isn't kidding here. You won't get anything for a long time. Your time will come much later. Now is the time for you to give like you have never given before. You will be tested. Not only should you expect nothing, but you should expect rejection for a lot of what you do. There is a lot of hurt in these ladies. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...and she doesn't want to do anything resembling a date, even go to a movie with me right now-she doesn't want to give me false hopes.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>These are the exact words my wife told me last February. You have a lot of work to do before you can hope for a date. Small steps one day at a time. You'll get there - don't rush things.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will tell you right now, the devil in me wants to just give up-find somebody else that maybe is more compatible to me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You will get this feeling A LOT!!! many times it will seem hopeless. The easy thing to do is give up. The sweetest fruit is sometimes the most difficult to get to. You will be tempted to give up. Thoughts like "why do I keep giving and giving and get nothing back. It would be easier to just start over with someone new." will flood your mind. When that happens, come here and tell us. We will help you through it. She will test your mettle to see how devoted to change you really are. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She likes to hang around the young kids because they don't judge her, which she justifiably feels i do to her all the time- they take her for the way she is.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Accept her for what she is right now. Don't judge her, love her. Read the story of Hosea in the Bible. Are you willing to love your wife like he loved his? She's lost right now. You can help her by loving her UNCONDITIONALLY.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I realize that this won't be fixed overnight, but i'll admit right now, she has given me almost no hope with fixing it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't expect anything from her. this will take a long time, but you can do it. Your wife will love you for not giving up on her. I'm sure she thought you would never change and so she gave up the will to fight anymore. <P>As my friend vmv once told me, you can't make her love you, you can only help her realize she still does. Time does heal wounds. Unconditional love CAN bring you two back together.<P>Start by being her friend again.<P>God bless,<P>SHA

wow-that one hit the spot right where it needed to; you guys are a godsend-when i read the MB articles, it's easy for me to tell myself that alot of those things don't apply to my situation, and that those things won't work with my W, but you prove it does-thanks