I'm new here. About 10 months ago I found out my H had an affair with a young woman who became pregnant a few months into the relationship. We were separated for over one month but decided to try to work things out since we had been together 20 years. We have never been able to have children together. H ended the relationship with OW and OC was born in April. He has seen the OC once and has been updated regularly as to the child's state by OW. All this occurred w/out my knowledge. I found out recently and feel betrayed again bc I had told H I would wanted to know about any contact with OW/OC. He says he wants to know how OC is doing and is no longer interested in OW. I feel so hurt, I thought I could handle contact with OC but now I am not so sure. It is so difficult to face OC when I can not have child of my own. Anyone in a similar situation???

luzcin,
there have been quite a few W on this board with no children, or no biological children, and we know it adds to the pain. It is slow here during the holidays. Hopefully you'll get more replies soon.

Meanwhile, I'm sorry for your pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What are you and H doing together to aid recovery? Have you read the MB principles? Are you in counseling? It is wrong of your husband to go behind your back to see OC and I hope you can soon provide a UNITED front to XOW!! Ch-support and visitation, if you agree to it, can be worked out without your H seeing XOW alone!

Best wishes on your recovery,
J, in recovery 4y and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

up up

Luzcin,

Similar, OH MY, YES!

My H and I have been married for 9+ yrs now… my Dday was 22 months ago… I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it has made it exceedingly difficult for me to get pregnant or to carry to term, so I have no children of my own.

My H asked me for a separation before I ever found out about the OW/OC and I was blind-sided with that request… then I was completely crushed when I found out the truth…
After I miscarried again, just after finding out about OW/OC, I felt I had to tell H that it had once again happened… and that m/c actually became the turning point for my H. It was at that time the “fog” lifted… and he finally saw what I meant to him. He had already been falling deeper into his depression… and realizing his mistake… but the m/c pushed him out of the fog…

We put up a UNITED Front… filed to establish paternity… filed for custody… and have been given a very substantial chunk of the week… we currently have Joint Physical Custody of my H’s daughter, better known online as Lil Bit, who is soon to be 18 months old. She has become the apple of my eye… She is an adorable child; it is impossible not to love her.

Not long ago, circumstances changed… and exOW no longer deals with my H… There is minimal contact between them… I am now the main contact. I do all the talking now… LOL

As Jenny said, READ the MB principles… Learn about the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty… these are very beneficial…
Get into counseling if you haven’t done so already…

And I will say this as I have many times… Read the board... Read often and Post Much!

I pray that soon, you and your H can come to an agreement over contact… It is vital that you both agree on what to do…

Hugs and prayers,

Thanks for the reply. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in this situation. H and I are trying to make things work but we are both in so much pain. Just when it seems we are moving forward we stumble and the pain seems so strong again. I am trying to support H's decision about the OC. Sometimes he wants contact - sometimes he doesn't. I thought I could handle contact and even believed I could come to love OC - afterall she is the my H's child. However, now the pain and emotion seems so overwhelming - I'm not sure I can handle it. At the same time I don't want H to make a decision based on my feelings and then have him come to resent me for it. I hope that this discussion board will help me sort out my feelings.

luzcin,
I feel for you. I lost 3 pregnancies leading up to my H's A. OC came at an especially awful time, and seeing pictures (we've never met) is always hard for H and I both. If we had visitation, I think I could learn to love the OC for herself, but since I knew the mother too, there would always be reminders of her--her smile, her mannerisms--I can even see it in the pictures.

Whether you can withstand the pain on a regular basis (visitation) is anyone's guess... Have you seen a counselor about this? Are you getting any couple's counseling?

What about the XOW? Would she make visitation difficult and ugly? Some do. Our XOW was so hateful even by mail that we stopped contact.

Visitation is a really difficult decision, but if OC is still an infant, giving yourself more time to recover your marriage is really WISE! Again, I hope your H never sees OC behind your back again--it really hurts the marriage.

Best wishes,
J