I'm realizing more and more every day that H plans on being a part of OC life one way or another weather I like it or not. It seems like he'll go to any lengths to decieve me and every time he tries the deception smacks me in the face. Today I found were H was hiding $$$ from me. I think he planned on giving it to W without my knowledge. I truly feel like a fool for believing that we can actually deal with this matter and save our marriage. Heck the truth of the matter is I'm married to a sick sex addict.
I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to deal with this situation. Lord knows I've tried just about everything short of dying and nothing has changed. Now I'm thinking maybe its best that I just cut my losses, lose my house, file banruptcy, divorce and just start my life over again. Yes I know I can get child support, alimony, at least 1/2 his pension, but knowing the real deal I'll still end up losing most of what it took over half of my life to build. God knows I can't see the forest for the trees. H claims he's not leaving hi family for another. But come Feb when the OW returns to work I know its going to get uglyer.

I just need honest advice, support and the ability to vent. God I wish there was something could do legally against those who ripped my family's heart out.

Robbed: I am probably not in any position lately to give advice.....

But, breathe deep, talk to God, pray, pray some more, read, talk to a counselor,VENT here often and as needed. The women on this board are incredible.

Addiction is a destructive thing in and of itself.

Have you tried a co-dependency group? They also have Sex Addicts Anonymous listed in either your phone book or your local newspaper where groups like that are listed. You can join those groups because the addiction affects you!

Are you a Christian? Do you have a pastor/counselor? Do you work - they might have an EAP program you could start counseling with.

I am sorry for your situation. I know the pain of having years of lies dumped on you one day. It's horrible!

I don't know when you found out but don't make any RASH life-altering decisions just yet. Give it some time. The counselor I just started seeing said for me not to make any decisions about divorce, separation or anything for at least a minimum of 6 months. I am sure you just about choked....but six months is probably not EVEN enough time to sort out your feelings.

Your world just turned upside down. We're in it with ya! All of us on this board are in a very similar situation. For the most part, we all hate it too!!!! Just know that the folks here will listen to you vent, you can throw an idea out there and they WILL respond, many of these women are years ahead of us in recovery.

Robbed: Just one day at a time.....

Hugs to you!!!!!

Angelia

Have you tried a co-dependency group? They also have Sex Addicts Anonymous listed in either your phone book or your local newspaper where groups like that are listed. You can join those groups because the addiction affects you!

Are you a Christian? Do you have a pastor/counselor? Do you work - they might have an EAP program you could start counseling with.

I've tried CODA just to lazy to get to meetings because I get home from work so late. H was advised to go to Sex and love addicts anonymous but is afraid to go. I was told that SLAA does not have any sessions for the wives and children of the addicts.

Yes I'm a Christian but have not spoken to a pastor. I try hard to lean on my faith in hopes that I grow stronger by going through these experiences. I have been in counseling for the past 6 months with my H until this past Monday. H decided not to go anymore said its a waist of time and $. I've done all I know to do and all I want now is peace. I'm beginning to feel that H is going to have to figure this ALL out for himself. In the mean time I'm looking forward to healing.

I have noticed that a lot of wives have husbands that cheat because either they are not physically attractive any more or they turn down their husband's sexual advances. What women need to understand is that men have urges. It is sad but in some cases their wives have gotten fat and neglected their bodies, or they don't let their husbands have sex with them. In cases such as this, it can be (sadly) easy for a husband to be tempted by an attractive woman at work. In the case of the wife that doesn't let her husband do sexual things to her, even an unattractive but willing woman at work can be a temptation since she is around him more and gives him attention. The worst part is that in some cases they get knocked up and it's really sad because everyone's life is destroyed. In my opinion, a WH that gets the OW pregnant is simply careless. And that's the worst part of all.

So, my wonderul mother in law got me an entire set of the most wonderful cook ware with the see thru lids for Christmas. She also got me a whole new set of bake ware. I have been a cooking fool. When I got my new pans home, I kid you not, the first thing I did was get out all the old pans and called a lady up down the street who I knew could use some pans and told her o come and get them, I then cleaned my kitchen spotless, all that for new pans. My DH was impressed.

What was your favorite Christmas gift?

Love,

Melissa

Hi, Robbed,

I'm sorry I don't know much about your story but while reading your post I wondered if it might help your situation to try to accept OC. I know not everyone can do such a thing, but you said your H is determined to have OC in his life and obviously he feels some kind of obligation to be giving OW money. Your H may be a sex addict, but his actions towards OC actually seem honorable. If you were to somehow accept OC, then H wouldn't have to lie to you about when he sees her/him and you would also be supporting him in an area that he knows is difficult for you, but you are doing it because you love him. That could go a long way with him in the rebuilding of your marriage.

Just a thought...

Noplacelikehome

Robbed,
I'm sorry for your situation, but I agree with Noplace. Preventing your H from seeing his own child will only perpetuate dishonesty between you, and possibly build resentment in the future. In all honesty I don't think it's a fair thing to expect.
However, I can understand if H going to OWs to see OC makes you very uncomfortable. If you don't feel you want to be around OC, is there another place, like a grandparents house, where OW could drop OC off for your H to see, without OW around, but also where you wouldn't have to go? Just a suggestion...
As to the money, technically your H does have a financial obligation to OC, but he certainly shouldn't be hiding it or lying to you..

Robbed,

I have read this thread thoroughly a few times to make sure I've read correctly....

It seems that you have alot stacked against you at this time....

If I were you, I would sit down and write out the pros and cons of staying versus going.

You want to make the marriage work, then take the steps you need to do to preserve your love for your H....Plan B or it's equivelant. It's imperative that you heal and gain a sense of yourself in all this. Only you know what you are capable of.

I'm not sure how long you have known the OC was in your life, but again, only you know what you are capable of in regards to contact with OC etc... if you can't you can't and that's not a crime against you. If your H wants contact with the child, then you will have to work with your H to make some kind of visitation that would make you feel secure and work on a policy of joint agreement. Your H should be considerate of your feelings as well, if he intends to save the marriage. If he feels that MC is a "waste of time" then perhaps you should go to an IC for the time being until you decide your next course of action.

Mr."T" agreed to marriage counseling and at times both of us felt it was a big "waste of time" and "energy" but we are glad we stuck it out. I do not have the experience of deaing with someone who is sexually addicted, but my H's ex-ow is someone he would just meet to have sex with before we were married or even had a relationship rekindled.

The best thing for now, I would do is sit and reflect and decide what you can and can't do. Make a plan, even if it's just get through the day. This is a real pain, a deep sense of betrayal, but also, if it's a serial thing, you have to decide how much you are willing to put up with.

I cannot advise you except to listen to yourself and protect yourself from diseases. Protect your assets and decide what you want to do. Whatever you decide, we are here for you to lean on, vent, and/or get support.

Don't let other people's opinions sway you in what you should/should not do regarding OC...there is no one size fits all situation and some situations are more difficult than others.

As for Gordo, I guess you missed the thread in which this topic was addressed before.... many of us have healthy sexual relationships with our spouses and it's one of the reasons we are stunned when we find out about the betrayal...

I'm thinner and better looking than my H's ex-ow (I've been told by numerous sources) I'm definately four sizes smaller than her....perhaps my H wanted the thrill of more "cushion for the pushing?" who knows....looks don't matter and don't presume to know too much about everyone's marriages...it's not all about sex...some people stray because they need companionship and someone to "emotionally connect with". To quote forrest gump, "That's all I have to say about that...."

Sheesh....

Anyways...Robbed, we are here for ya, check in and give us an update or let us know what's going on with ya...weekends are sllllooooowwwww....

Hugs,
Twiisty