I know you guys have been following our story from my DH, Tim aka hubby_tuff_decision or something like that.

Here's my post, I think although I know I was being prodded by God to be honest it may have cost me more than I realized. I want to be the wife God intended Tim to have, but looks like now I ruined my chance. Ironic that once the fog is lifted and my desire is reconciliation that isn't what is supposed to be. Trust and Faith are hard.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=021935

Patty

It's done. Tim is done with me. You can read my update in the thread above if you feel like reading the details.

Patty,
Did Tim decide to go through with the divorce? Are you saying that the fog has lifted and you want marriage to work?

Dawn

Butterfly,

Put in a call for another session with Steve. You BOTH are reacting to circumstances, not acting in a way that is beneficial to your marriage. The total honesty was fine. Tim's reaction to it isn't unheard of. Nor is your reaction.

But reactions don't save marriages. Actions do. Your husband can't trust you right now. Duh. What you need to do is to set up a plan that will consistently demonstrate behaviors that show you are willing to regain this trust. This takes time---months are required for these new marital behaviors to be effective and believable.

Steve would tell you and Tim a couple things. The first is to make no major decisions while this whirlwind is spinning through your marriage. The second thing he would advise is to POJA ANY decisions to divorce. If you both agree in an enthusiastic manner, great! But if you don't agree, then you should be working towards your plan to restore this marriage (no contact, trustworthy behaviors, complete honesty, no lovebusting), regardless of how your husband currently feels.

If your husband reads this, I'd advise him to take this "new news" as old news. Your wife had an affair and became pregnant. That's all history---you may not know every detail, but it changes nothing. She's now just beginning to recommit to this marriage. If you're lucky, there will be no setbacks. You need to move forward with recovery. What happened on Thanksgiving is irrelevant to where your marriage is going. Give this some time and give your wife some opportunity to establish a consistent track record with you. She may even slip in the future (you had better not, BE!)---you'll have to weigh all this together in a big picture of where the marriage is going in terms of recovery, and figure out if it's really a deal breaker. And if it is, then you discuss divorce with your wife using good negotiation skills, to a point where you both agree.

I look at this as a very minor setback. Get back in another session with Steve---he'll help to clarify your collective thoughts on this.

I wish those words rang true "minor setback".

I hated even admitting to Tim what I had done in November and although I still don't understand God's ways in this I am trying to see that it was best to be honest.

After seeing OM for that hour and half Thanksgiving weekend I was sick. While I was there my head was screaming at me and I left there literally sick and puked in the parking lot. I think that's when the fog started it's lift. I saw OM differently after that and I only had a little contact on phone and im with him going for 2 weeks NC then I'd break it, and then almost another 2 weeks. I know it wasn't true NC but in my eyes I felt like I was trying. I gave him the boot on Saturday and sent him a confirming note Sunday night after my late night of prayer. I choose Tim. I choose our marriage.
We have NEVER put God first in our marriage TOGETHER. I saw Tim's vision this weekend of what we can have and I want it!
So now I am getting what stuff I can carry out today and not sure where I'll end up tonight. Circumstances are that my parent's house is full so maybe I'll end up in the truck a few nights until I figure this out, I have no clue.
I suggested to Tim last night that we have another session with Steve but he isn't hearing anything related to marriage talk. It's so over for him, I recognize the hard stance and I know it's from the repeated pain I've caused him. I know how he is when he gets this way. Only HE knows best. He won't listen to anyone else, including God when he gets like this.
I have no idea how I would show him he could trust me at this point when I am not even going to be here anymore. I do know that although the OM would take me up there with him in a heartbeat I DON'T want that and can't see that I ever would so I won't be going up there. Maybe that would show Tim that I really don't want OM but who knows. I don't even know if that's important at this point.
I feel lost, ashamed,broken,so many things. I have no one to blame for my actions but myself. Tim says I'm being selfish by asking for 30 days of us both working on marriage with God in it. I don't know how to show him my heart is genuine. I don't think it even matters to him anymore.
I ramble on when I'm in pain and thank you to anyone that says a prayer for us. We sure need it.
I now see that my pain as great as it is must not have even half compared to the pain Tim felt when he found out about OM.
I have prayed for months that this baby is Tim's, which it very well could be. I think now that it would be devastating to me for it to be his, I can disconnect from OM but how do I from Tim?

Patty

BE,

Take some deep breaths. Schedule your first available time with Steve. Let Tim know that you're doing this, and ask him if he'd like to participate (even if it's on a 3-way call where you're not together).

I would just give him a little time to cool off and come to his senses. If he's really going to have THIS particular item completely destroy a recovery, then it's unlikely he would have made it through the process anyway. But it's your turn to be the calm, steady influence now---you've got to fight for your marriage in an appropriate fashion.

I don't know if I'll ever understand why I had to be totally honest with Tim. I know that even just one brick missing in the road to recovery would lead to a bump and I guess that's why I had to be honest. I knew Tim was serious about his ultimatum I should've been stronger. I didn't have a relationship with God to help me as I do now. I have a session with Steve tomorrow and invited Tim to join, he's off so I know he could if he wants but I seriously doubt he will. I only hope that someday he will see that the brokenness of his DDay in June and his sudden but serious return to God is kinda like where I'm at now, just I don't have the same pain that he had then. I am so sorry for the amount of pain I put him through. I am ready to be the Godly wife that Tim wants/wanted.
When I went to pull the divorce at first it seemed like it was going to be a problem. Lady at the counter says we have to review, yada yada, we'll mail you our decision.. but guy at next counter says let me check it out. Turns out they only have to review if it was contested and we did a simple divorce and Tim didn't respond which didn't seem necessary at the time. I guess in a way God set this up for this divorce to be able to be backed out of easily back in July. I walked away from the counter with the divorce pulled at that minute. I had to smile, God IS in control no matter what we do. I don't know if Tim will ever have a change of heart and be able to build this marriage again but I do know that I am doing the right thing now. God HATES divorce, especially when there is something there to save.

Patty

Patty,

It's great that you were able to pull the divorce, and I think it's very encouraging that you're having the session with Steve. Hopefully Tim will consent to join in, or talk to Steve in a follow up.

Steve will help you lay out a plan that won't deviate much from if Tim was involved and on-board with this marriage. You need to continue the no-contact, provide credible proof about your whereabouts, not lovebust, and meet any needs that Tim is willing to let you meet (that's a short list today). Just because Tim seems bent on divorce is NO EXCUSE for you not to continue in this direction.

Good luck---you two are in my prayers.

Yes, I agree that because your timing is off regarding your gaining a new sense of strength doesn't mean not to keep moving forward in your personal growth.

God forgives us the moment we repent, but the consequences of poor choices have been set in motion and the chips will keep falling. I know it's hard on you especially at this delicate time in your life--being pregnant. This is so sad... Consider yourself hugged.

I did post a supportive message to your DH because I can see his side of things, being unwilling to let go of your weak moment in choosing to contact your OM. Praise God that it seems to be what was necessary for you to get strong enough to want your marriage, but look at what it cost you, like you said... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hang in there, like I said to your H, divorce is not the final end to a relationship. If you can prevent it, great, but it will take two. Affairs only take one, but rebuilding, that takes two. Good luck and I definitely will say a prayer for you guys to get in sync with your recovery with or without the divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I'll ever understand why I had to be totally honest with Tim.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because deep down inside you knew that it was the right thing to do and because you would be breaking a pattern of lies and deceit that was the genesis of your A. You know that a person can not live as a Godly husband or wife if s/he is constantly hiding the truth from his/her spouse.

As far as Tim's committment to his ultimatum to divorce you if you contacted OM, I would say that it is probably FEAR that breaking said committment he would lose credibility in your eyes and be the green light for you to continue your A with more intensity than ever before. Tim will eventually realize that even going thru with an ultimatum, will not bring closure to a bad situation. Divorce does not wipe out so many years of memories (good and bad) overnight and sometimes it may take years before a divorced person finally achieves closure. I hope that Tim comes to realize this and sees that he has a lot more to lose than gain by divorcing you.

Peace be with you Patty.

Thank you guys for your support that you are giving to BOTH of us. I am not deserving but am gleaning much from your words.
God's hand certainly has been guiding me today from the pulling of the divorce to tonight going to church. We go to 2 churches, one has a Sat night service and we have old friends there and feel connected to some people there, but the other, the Sunday one is deeper not so "seeker" orientated and we both get a lot from it. Anyways, I decided to go to the "seeker" service tonight but found that they changed their service times from 7 to 610 so I got there real late. I have never been to the other but knew they started at 7. It was communion and then they do something they call ministering to the body. People share prayers, thoughts, praises and if it touches you you raise your hand and someone comes from the crowd and prays with you. It was incredible. I have been extrememly emotional and tears flow easily anyway but started when we were singing and just kinda continued. I never said a word though or raised my hand, but at the end a lady came up to me and said God bless you. She then turned around and said, nope, God says I need to pray with you now! She ended up praying over me and of course that brought more flood gates. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> BUT!!! Then for some reason she told me that she felt brokeness from a marriage and pain from an affair. WOW! I ended up just briefly telling her situation and she herself is in a marriage recovering from her affair! God has his hand in things HE is in control!
I am somewhat of a shy person around strangers so I would've never approached her or asked anyone for prayer. God had her come up to me. She and I are going to get together sometime in the next few days. I can't believe how God works sometimes.
I'm not sure if any of this is interesting to you guys, but I'm going to continue my updates for now. Somehow makes things a little better just typing them out. Getting the thoughts and ideas back is a great bonus.
In better spirits tonight because of the Spirit of the Lord...Patty

Patty,

You brought tears to my eayes with this post. O've never been VERY religious, but in the last year, I have really grown due to my spirituality and faith. I have felt the heat that comes from knowing the LOVE of GOD and when I read your story, that warmth filled me again!
I KNOW in my heart that he is with you now, and you are where you need to be. Just try to hold onto that warmth when things get so out of control....it will help you to stay on course.

If you stay true to that connection, Tim will be attracted like a moth to the flame if his path is also with God. As long as your sincerity is there, he will eventually start to see it.

You're both going to make it through this! (((HUGS)))

Patty,
I don't necessarily believe in loopholes, but I'm hoping for one here.

Tim gave you the ultimatum that if you were sexual with om after certain date, then he was done. You told us that you saw om over Thanksgiving, but you didn't come right out and say you were sexual with him. So (my fingers are crossed) can you tell Tim that you were not sexual with om and therefore did not cross his line of the ultimatum? I'm probably really stretching, but I'm hoping that Tim just assumed you had been sexual.

I understand Tim's feelings on this. He drew a line, and you willingly walked across. But I'm pulling for you two to be together anyway. I don't know what I'd do in Tim's shoes. I believe in forgiveness, but I don't believe in letting someone continually take advantage of you. I guess he was looking for a show of commitment from you and got let down. He allowed himself to get hurt and forgave and opened himself up again and got hurt again and now he's decided it's enough. I know Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven, but wow. And yet you're standing there seeming very apologetic and remorseful and changed AND forgiving him for hurting you. I really feel for both of you. Anyway, hoping for a loophole!

To tell you the truth the thought flashed in my mind after I first told him I saw him. I never told him I was sexual with him, he assumed and I didn't deny. I could've been dishonest but I knew that would've just perpetuated the lies that our marriage has been so full of, from him and me both. I knew that since I felt we were starting our recovery last weekend I had to be completely honest in every way for this to work. I know I did the right thing in being completely honest but it cost me my marriage. I didn't know what else to do, our recovery would've been tainted otherwise.
I do know that I was still in my fog and that time seeing OM was vital in my recovery from the affair. That was my beginning to the end of letting that addiction of the OM control me.
I am focusing now on recovery from that addiction and immersing myself in counselling, books, and the church. I need to have support in order to make this work. All addictions need that.
I can't do anything to make Tim see that I had to be honest with him as part of the recovery process and my committment to the marriage. That is going to have to be his choice and I will have to respect his choices. I do know that God is in control completely and his hand is on both of us. I really miss him but I need to give him his space. I picked up a really good book today called hope for the seperated by the same guy who did the 5 love languages of love. It said that Tim maybe feeling some temporary peace about us being seperated because he is out of the conflict and no more limbo. It is short-lived. I am praying that God will heal us both and make us better people from this, we have come a LONG way already!
My heart is so heavy for Tim. I've been so selfish this whole time I've been in the fog that I never knew how much pain I put him through. I wish I could take this away, but I think all of us wish that in one form or another.

Staying in God.. have you guys read Jeremiah? Hmmm... I started yesterday and the Hope for Seperation book started in on it in the first chapter. Makes me smile to see how God leads.
Patty

Just to clarify... not that I am trying to make an excuse. I hadn't committed to the marriage and recovery when I saw OM over Thanksgiving but I knew Tim's ultimatum. I don't know if I made that clear to begin with.

I shouldn't have been there regardless.

Patty

Been a hard day today, to be expected but just after having such a positive day yesterday really sucks. Feeling very pregnant today so I'm probably way hormonal.
Woke up at 330 this am with Tim heavy on my heart. His pain right now is weighing heavily on me. I wish I could turn back the clock and this was last year again. The things I wish I could do different!
Finished reading the book I picked up yesterday and it is good. Hope for the Seperated by Gary Chapman. I know that any furter marriage is going to be Tim's decision but regardless I hope he can come to the point someday where he can forgive me for the wrong I did to him, even just as a sister in the Lord.
Had my counselling session with Steve H yesterday and he affirmed that I was right in telling Tim the truth even though I knew about his ultimatum. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do, God wouldn't let me think otherwise, but it hurts to know what it cost. I miss Tim soooo much today, I miss being the wife that fell in love with him all over again. This last weekend was too good, I miss watching him sleep.
My mom got a message today from OM's mother that he is being called back up to active duty and is shipping to Saudi on Wed. This is an answer to my prayer I believe because it takes the "drug of choice" completely out of the picture for at least 6 months which will help through the recovery of the affair for me. If by God's will Tim and I were to reconcile this would be good for us as well.
My present living situation is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally. I started looking for places that I can rent a room for a few months until I know what is going to happen. I fully expect that I will be renting an apartment for me and the baby and want to be moved in before my 8th month. I never thought I would be having this baby on my own but God is in control and he knows the plan. I am just following his lead day by day literally. I'm hoping that I can find a place to rent something quickly I don't want to have to stay in a motel but if things continue here at my parent's like they are I won't have a choice.
My consequences to sin aren't easy and I don't expect them to be. I will emerge stronger!

I don't know why I keep posting here, I really don't have a place here as a WS. I don't know where to go right now for sanity. Tim just stopped by my parent's house and dropped some of my stuff off along with a note explaining how things need to be seperated by Feb 1st. I know I deserved this from him but why now? Why after everything else he could forgive while I was in the fog can he not forgive something that I did in the fog? I am out and my relationship to God is stronger than ever. It is so hard to trust that God is in control right this minute. Why was I so stupid and let Satan tempt me to this degree?
I see how hard and determined Tim is right now and I know that his mind is totally set on divorce. Was he not there last week? Didn't he feel the things that I felt. At the time he did. So now how can he deny that we could make a marriage work?
Again, I'm venting, not expecting anyone to give a crap. Don't think I really have a place in this forum or any forum for that matter I guess.
Patty

Hi, Patty,

Let me encourage you to keep posting. This is right where you belong if you are getting the support you need to hang on to your marriage.

You've taken great strides these past few months. At first it was Tim taking the strides and you were lagging behind. Now its you that's going forward. I think he's probably exhausted and feels beaten down. But he can't turn himself off to God. No matter how hard he fights, God will win out. And Tim knows his place is with you. He loves you and wants you. He just didn't think you felt the same when you couldn't/wouldn't commit to staying away from OM.

And now you have. It'll probably take some time. He'll want to see if you really are following through with what you are saying. And until then, just keep doing what you're doing - clinging to the vine. He'll be back. And then you'll both be headed in the same direction and you'll bring up this baby together.

You'll see - it'll happen. Tim will soften. To say he won't would be to say that God can't. Have faith.

Prayers and comfort,
Noplacelikehome

Butterfly,

Well, I am also a WS who got P from an A. That A has been over for over 2 yrs, and my H and I have been working hard on rebuilding our M, and it's not always easy, even when you have worked from the instant of D-day to repair the damage you have caused by your actions!

A very short version of our story is this;

H in military, has had multiple A's
Last duty station, had been seperated(due to military)for almost a year, guy started "paying attention" to me. I got VERY stupid, had A while H was deployed in the Persian Gulf area, and got myself stuck real good. Had told xOM about other A that was a "get back at you" A. xOM used that to keep me from breaking off the A(said if I did, he would tell H about other A too!) H came home, suspected, but said he didn't want to know the details, just stop contact(H never even stated that he thought we'd slept together) I told xOM, and he said he was coming over to tell H! In essence, he forced me to come clean. After doing so, H told xOM to leave several times, as did I, xOM stood there gloating! H threatened one time to force xOM, and xOM threw first punch! I had to have neighbor break it up, and H went in the house and called the military police!

Long story short on that, xOM went to "trial", where neighbor, H and I were all asked to be witnesses, xOM tried to claim self defense, but was prooven to be the liar he is, and his medical discharge was pushed through after he was knocked down 2 pay grades! So, in xOM's eyes, I ruined his life and got away scott free. Thing is, he never even knew that I was P, and we never told! Never will either!

Abbi will be 2 in March, and H has never contested paternity, as he loves her as much as our other 2 children! Most of our immediate family know, with a few exceptions, and they all love her, with no difference in how all three of our children are treated!

Now, I know that seemed long, but it has SO much more involed and I wanted to give you a little history before I gave you my advice.

I agree with NPLH in her last post! Keep fighting for your M, and keep growing in your walk w/God! I have been reading both posts, and could read in Tim's posts the pain that he is feeling! I also see and hear the pain in your posts, about whether it was the right thing to do(coming clean)! The only thing that you can do right now is to keep it open and honest! God is working in both your lives, and even if a D goes through, you could end up back together! It does happen, and the new M is often so very much stronger! Let God do all the work, but you need to keep up your end of the "bargain" too!

I, myself, am not perfect, and still have quite a bit of work to do. But, if you "let go and let God", He can, will, and does work miracles, even in what seems to be the impossible!

Please, continue to post here! Just because you are the WS, doesn't mean that you aren't welcome here. As it states at the beginning of this page, if you are here to work on your M, or want to help those who are working on their M's you are welcome! I also hope that Tim continues to post here! I am another one who is pulling for you guys, and praying that God's will is done in your situation!

God Bless,

Tigger