I understand your anger, sadness, and disillusionment with your W very well Tim, for contacting OM in November, but if she volunteered this information to you (she could have probably hidden it from you) why are you punishing her for her honesty in bringing forth the truth? We know that affairs are built on lies and deception, so don't you beleive that encouraging the truth, without punishment, is the best way to build true intimacy?

I have seen many people make serious decisions that are based on their emotional state and later on regretted making them, and for this reason I humbly suggest that you give yourself and your W 30 days to cool off. What's 30 days anyway? If at the end of that cooling off period you are still determined to end your M, then you can do so with the knowledge that you did not make a rash and impulsive decision.

Peace be with you and your W.

thank you for caring Coffee,

my decision was made and i might ad, agonized over, months ago. i decided then, and will not change now, that i will not have a wife who thinks it's ok to make love to another man.

i explained VERBATUM exactly what i would do if she was ever physically with him before Jan. 12th (her divorce finalization date). she knew what my boundries were then and accepted it as a chance for us to reconcile. i didn't trust her then, but was giving my beloved wife and marriage one last chance.

integrity is something i am slowly earning. she has broken our vows for the last time.

there will be no more cheap talk. due to her actions in the past(not just the recent past) I can't trust her. i will no longer be a party to this debauchery that i created and she finished.

thank you again for your concern.

sincerly,
tim

hbby/tuff/decision. Sounds as though we are in somewhat the same boat.Difference is with mine this is the second Pregancy due to one night of her out drinking in 12 yrs. First one we got thru and all turned out well. She started turning to drinking a few months ago blaming issues at home and work as the reason and here we go again. OM wants nothing to do with any of it. He considers it as a night out after the bar. Offered $ to pay for abortion but thats it. She has not had a drink in 2 months and has gotten back to reality. Realizes what this has caused with our family and kids. Will not commit to her feelings toward me as she cannot handle the guilt or the pain she has created. I am planning on moving out shortly although we are getting along better now just no commitment at this time. I think we could get through it and rebuild the relationship but I agree with your point that she must also make a commitment. I cant go with lets try it and see what happens. I would rather walk away at that point.

tuff,,,, if your wife had stayed within your boundaries, pulled the divorce papers and stayed away from om, and the 2 of you started down the road to recovery, then you found out that her child was not yours, would divorce had been your choice? how do you think she became pregnant to begin with? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Devine intervention? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> it just seems a shame to throw 11 tears of marriage away. why? because your w fell victim to an affair which was due to circumstances that you yourself admit starting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> kind of hypocritical don't you think? she can forgive but you can't forgive her? you can say that her sin was greater then yours, but remember to God all sin is equal. none greater than the other.

sounds like there is a little pride involved here. when fullhouse told me of her original escapade with om <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> i was ready to forgive and move on. i figured one time after alchohol in a parked car. then months later she confessed to a repeat performance. i went through the roof. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> my reasoning was she knew it was wrong the first time and yet she went back for more. i was literally devastated. my pride was bruised beyond compare. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> now even though she swears it was only twice i don't believe her and it has become a major factor in my recovery. hard for me to find those deep emotions i once had for her. i realize this is just pride so i continue to work to get through it.

just hoping you take some time to cool down and think this though.

Well, we teach others how to treat us. I don't think hubby is being prideful or emotional. It sounds like his decision is well-thought out and like he said, agonized over.

He knows what kind of person he is and has been dealing with. Sometimes you can only give so much and then your taker says NO MORE!

Still, coffeeman has a good point. I know what it feels like to get punished for telling the truth. This time tho, the truth hubby's wife has told was more of an act of hostility on her part. As hubby said, his WS knew what the boundaries were...

I don't think Tim is necessarily being prideful. Inflexible is the term that comes to mind. And frankly, it's not a good skill that serves marriages well, at all. Tim, you seem to expect an immediate switch to good behavior, and are unwilling to weigh the good when faced with a setback. If you want to be practicing MarriageBuilder principles, you need to negotiate a divorce with your wife, via the Policy of Joint Agreement. Otherwise, you're just flinging around the ultimate in disrespectful judgements---I want a divorce. If it's not an emotional decision (which I suspect it is---and would completely agree with TMCM) and a logical decision---then where's the logic?

If you were truly up to keeping this marriage together and raising an OC (and I realize that's not easy), I cannot see how this is a deal-breaker. She saw the OM while going through withdrawal. She seems to NOW be close to being through withdrawal---and is starting to practice the skills that will make your marriage successful (like radical honesty).

Instead of reaching out to her, you just slammed her fingers in the door. You're not going to get a whole lot more shots at this. You REALLY need the services of a skilled professional like Steve to help you negotiate your way through the landmines of early recovery. Even if this ends in divorce, you need to reassess your marriage skills---this one you're displaying now doesn't bode well for this marriage or future relationships.

thank you all for your wonderful comments. i am in a serious grieving process right now and need support, not condemnation so i will no longer sign on to this site. i know to some of you it is more important to sacrifice your sense of right and wrong and personal integity to save a marriage that is on it's last legs. that is not my point of view. if marriage builder principles says i must do that, then i will no longer subscribe to it. i have not gone against my word in this entire process, and would have been so happy to raise this child in a God fearing family setting. i never even wanted to know the paternity, that should tell you the answer to your silly question regarding my level of commitment. if some of you had only half the compassion for the betrayed spouse you do for the wayward spouse, i think you would clearly see that i can never trust a word my beloved patty will say in the future and i must move on because i will not spend the rest of my life with someone who may or may not find it ok to be sexual with someone else. when i originally decided to tell her what i would and would not put up with, i cried for days before telling her because i knew i was putting my marriage(that i wanted to turn out the way it could've, her and i together and loving God and each other and the beautiful child) in God's hands and her actions would decide. i finally realized i had no control of how important she thinks our marriage is.

talk is very cheap my friends. actions are where the rubber meets the road. she knew before hand what she could do to continue recovery and decided with her actions to forfeit that chance. whether i found out from her "honesty" or later down the road makes no difference. she made her bed for the last time and this time I won't lie in it with her any more.

God bless you all and i will continue to keep Pops and a few others in prayer.

tim

Well, just my .02 for what it's worth again, I think that if hubby doesn't follow through with his tough, agonizing decision, he is not teaching his WS to respect him and his boundaries. I supoort you hubby, right or wrong by MB standards...

None of our situations are cookie cutters that can fit neatly into the MB box. MB can only take us so far when only one spouse subscribes to all the principles.

p.s. I just met a lady who divorced her husband and is now remarried and she said she learned a valuable lesson on becoming a better wife to him! Divorce doesn't mean the end of the world? You never know what lessons can be learned or what changes can be made? You just never know? Keep the faith & do what you gotta do to keep your sanity!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am in a serious grieving process right now and need support</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, you need support AND good advice. Call Steve and discuss this with him. POJA the divorce with your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">talk is very cheap my friends. actions are where the rubber meets the road</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely true. That's why it pains me to see you do this when the actions are apparently on the right path to recovery. No one's condemning you, hubby---in fact, I believe when you first came here I told you that you ought to consider divorce very seriously, in light of your circumstances. But you've had a session with Steve in which he was encouraged, and your wife felt better about the marriage up to your reaction to her honesty. Those are facts---Steve is a professional. It's cute to discuss "boundraries", but often love needs to be without boundraries. I'll be really sorry if you can't muster up another dollop of unconditional love to push forward with your recovery.

And I'll be sure to say a prayer for you. God bless---and please consider calling Steve.

Peace be with you Tim.

hubby,

I'm sorry you don't feel like you have support here. I think you do. I am a BS, so I know how you feel. But I want to ask you some questions.

Do you think Jesus would tell you that you would forfeit your salvation if you sinned after accepting Him as your Savior?

If your W were addicted to cigarettes, or some other drug, would you give up on her if she had another cigarette or would you help her over come it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have not gone against my word in this entire process</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe your process started when you promised to love honor and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse til death due you part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">would have been so happy to raise this child in a God fearing family setting</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about a family loved by God with the preist of the home demonstraing God's love as in Eph. 5:25-27.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i think you would clearly see that i can never trust a word my beloved patty will say in the future</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean once a liar always a liar? If redemption wasn't possible then why did Jesus tell Peter what he did in Matthew 18:22-35.

I want you to know I am not here to condem you, but to help support and encourage you as you decide to obey God regarding your M. Your wife needs the help of a strong Godly man to get her through this. Will you be what God wants you to be? I think you can. Trusting God to give you strenght to bring both of you through this is a big step.

My prayers are for you to be a mighty man of God, and that you do love your W with the same love Jesus had for you and me. Show her what Jesus' love is really about. I don't think Jesus ever felt like he was a doormat as he was pulling us away from our sins. He knew what had to be done to save us.

I'm sorry if this offends you i just wanted to ask you what you were going to do with the scripture listed above?

S&C