Well, it has been four weeks now since I have found out that h as oc by ow. I am still crying, and have some much anger in me. I don't know if I can forgive him, I know I will never forget what he has done. We were already in a financial bind, and now I just don't know what we are going to do since he has to pay all of this cs.

He is always telling me that I mean so much to him, and that he want to work it out because he loves me very deeply, and is so sorry for making that stupid mistake. That did not stop him from having oc with ow.

I have been thinking about filing for d, because I just cannot handle this situation that he has put me in.

I have been married to this man for 20 years, but been with him for 9 years before marriage. I have given him 29 years of my life, and he goes out one time (he says) and do this to our marriage.

I just cannot stop thinking about him and this ow is this normal? I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't tell anyone about this, but you all.

Will I be able to trust him if I stay with him? I don't feel like I can trust him now. He tells me that I need to stop crying, because it makes him feel so bad. I might be wrong, but I don't care about his feels at the moment.

I do care for him, and I think that I might still love him, but I am so hurt over what he has done. I don't know if the marriage would ever be the same again.

Our youngest child is 14. I had said in about 7 more years, we would be able to spend more time with each other, and travel because the children would all be grown and on their own. Will I guess this will not happen since oc child is 3, and he must pay cs for another 15 years. He has just mess up my life, and I dislike him very much for that.

I don't know how we will be able to keep our daughter, and son in college with this new expense that he has created.

Why didn't he think with his right head, and see what the outcome would be if he had another cs with ow. Like I said we are already having financial problems.

I don't know who the ow is, and when I go out I am always wondering is that her. They even work for the same company, but not in the same building anymore.

I just feel so dumb. He still say that he does not want anything to do with the oc. He will just try and find a way to make the payments. He did state that the ow is upset, because he does not want to be in the oc life at all.

I know that she knew what she was doing. I feel that she wanted to break up our marriage.

I am so sorry for venting so long, but I just feel so lonely.

I have prayed and prayed about this. I ask God why did this happen. What did I do wrong? My h was very important to me, and I was so happy up until december 17.

I will stop now, because I am starting to cry again. I just need someone to help me. I know God will watch over me, but I am so hurt. I am afraid to love him with all my heart again. We was childhood sweethearts, and now look at us.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry for your pain. Have you and your husband thought about marriage counselling? I know its an added expense at a bad time, but I think its a good investment. That way you could find out what happened that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and how to put it back together. It will take time, a lot of work, a lot of forgiveness, and a lot of digging way down deep, but you've got such a long history together I'm sure it would be worth at least a try...

Hugs,
Noplacelikehome

you can make it throught this and let me tell you how i know that. take a listen to my case okay and you realize you are not as bad off as others so hold your head up and be strong. h had a with ow had oc. h and i have no children together. h first child. i have tubal had since we met. been together 13 yrs married for 10 in march. been needing hyster. for years but, prolonged it for hope of having reversal done. financial could not afford that. i had an affair last yr h found out and was basket case. i had it partially becuase of suspicions of him cheating. i offered very little support to him for my affair and he gave up hope wo letting me know. he met her and this is the end result. by the way ow is of different race so child is mixed. i was a basket case back in nov. when i found out but, i believe in god and his bringing us through this. h very supportive no contact other that ow calling him with her and oc. trying to get legal assistance to go about this the right way. i am feeling like i do not want to see child or woman. but, if i choose to say in marriage child will part of our life. he tried to get her to have abortion if almost made her miscarry. but she knew we had no kids together so she is a bitter, cold hearted b@%%^. she will pay for trying to trap him and it backfired on her. she does not want me around the 5 month old kid only wants him to see the kid alone. but we have agreed that is not happening. he did slip up one time and met her at walmart with kid and visited for about 15 minutes. i decided it was over for us then but, god has placed it in my heart to give him one more chance. he is fighting just as hard as i am for this marriage. we are in mc and church and pray together talk and have regained intimacy. in which intimacy after all these yrs was never issue. we made some mistakes and have gotten a wake up call. so i believe if we can make it through this so can you. read the bible, read inspirational writings, check the newspaper there is sometimes articles in there with words of encouragement. i have them posted in my cubicle at work, on computer at work in purse on checkbook, copies in my nightstand drawer and i constantly read them. please be strong do not let the ow destroy what god has built because i will not.

Noplacelikehome and butterflie,

I don't think at this time that we can afford to see a mc. I know that we have a long history together. I do want the marriage to work but I and just have so much anger inside of me. I don't really want to feel like this.

h said that he does not want to have any contact with the oc. If he did I don't think that I could handle that.

I fault both of them for putting me through this pain. I think that the ow assumed that h would leave me because she was having his c. He did not find out about it until she was five months. She plan this and he just could not see it.

Because of this our children and marriage is going to suffer. I am still crying almost everyday. I think on some days that I am losing my mind, because all I think about is oc/ow, and how could h do this to me. My marriage vows means so much to me that I would never do anything like that to hurt him, and I assume he felt that same about me.

Here I go again with this crying.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Hope to hear from you again. I am so glad I found this forum.

Please read this, I think this will help you. I can only say, seek God, seek God, seek God, with all your heart and you will find him. Jesus is the answer to your problem.

The Final Decree
by Melanie Hemry

Sitting down outside the courthouse, Judy wondered what she should do. Despite 2 1/2 years of prayers and forgiveness and her faith that their marriage would be restored, Steven had divorced her.

Divorce.

The judge slammed the stamp onto each paper in rapid succession. Judy Myers gripped the counter, feeling each stamp imprinted on her heart - castaway...rejected...worthless....

Steven stood casually beside her. Steven, her husband of 10 years. Steven, the tall, burly hero who always made her feel so beautiful. Steven, the father of her children. Steven, who had left her for another woman. Steven, who had asked these people to stamp these papers and cut her out of his life.

Judy stumbled out of the courthouse and sank onto a nearby bench. Divorced. So final. Cradling her head in her hands, Judy remembered when divorce had been an unthinkable word in their marriage.

Then she had met Jesus and for some reason things began to change. Judy remembered running home to tell Steven about Him. They told each other everything in those days. Steven looked at her in an odd sort of way and said, "That's nice."

That's nice? The more she told Steven about her relationship with the Lord, the more distant he became. Until finally, 2 1/2 years ago, he'd moved out - into the arms of another woman.

During the pain-ridden days after Steven left, Judy first heard Kenneth Copeland teach on being redeemed from the curse of the law. She had hurried to her Bible and looked it up for herself. Sure enough, Deuteronomy 28:30 listed one of the curses under the law, "Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her..." (The Amplified Bible). Wife or husband, infidelity was all a part of the same curse.

Then she flipped the pages of her Bible over to Galatians 3:13: "Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree...."

Judy's heart leapt within her. Christ had redeemed her from a broken marriage! She decided then and there to believe the Word and not her circumstances.

Three times in 2 1/2 years since he'd first moved out, Steven had returned home. But even then, though they lived under the same roof, he and Judy remained poles apart. He never gave up the other woman, and Judy never gave up the Word. They had nowhere to compromise.

"Steven went for weeks without even talking to the children," Judy remembers. "The Lord gave me Mark 11:23-24 to stand on, about speaking to the mountain to be removed and be cast into the sea. Then He showed me verses 25-26, 'And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have aught against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.' "

Judy had a lot to forgive and she knew it wouldn't be easy. But she had to do it. Her entire stand of faith hinged on her willingness to forgive - not just Steven, but the other woman as well.

"It was tough," Judy recalls. "She would call and harass me, saying that Steven didn't love me and that I was a bad wife to him. The Lord kept reminding me of 1 Corinthians 13:8, 'Love never fails...' (The Amplified Bible).

"Finally, I talked her into meeting me in person. When she stepped out of her car, I just walked over and put my arms around her. I explained that I didn't have anything against her, but I knew Steven would come back to me. I couldn't afford to be bitter and I had to walk in love."

Sitting now outside the courthouse, Judy wondered what she should do. Despite 2 1/2 years of prayers and forgiveness and her faith that their marriage would be restored, Steven had divorced her. Should she give up that faith now? Was the divorce court's pronouncement the final decree?

That night, Judy turned her Bible to the now familiar passage in Malachi 2:14:

Yet you ask, Why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant... (The Amplified Bible).

Judy rolled the last few words of that passage over and over again in her mind. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant. Divorced or not, Judy knew God still recognized her as Steven's wife.

"I realized God would not override a person's will or manipulate him," Judy explains, "so I was careful not to pray that way. I prayed against the god of this world who had blinded Steven's eyes. I asked the Father to speak to his heart." It would be years before Judy knew specifically how those prayers were answered.

In the meantime, one of the most difficult things for Judy was watching their children, Kirstin and Kyle, suffer from the lack of their father's attention. She began to pray Malachi 4:6 over the situation, "And he will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the land with a curse" (New American Standard).

The hardest day for Judy in each passing year was their anniversary - Valentine's Day. Steven had always gotten her wonderful cards, and each year he'd told her that their marriage was so special the whole world celebrated with them. Now she spent those once-precious Valentine's Days alone.

In May 1981, four years after Steven moved out, he phoned with the news she'd prayed for so long. "Hi," he said, "I got saved last night."

He spoke the words matter-of-factly. There was no fanfare. No fireworks. But Judy knew those words would eventually change everything.

Once Steven accepted the Lord, the relationship he was in didn't work anymore. Soon, he moved out of the woman's house and into his own apartment. Gradually, he began spending more time with Judy and the children, but he made it clear that he still maintained his friendship with the other woman.

"I wanted to challenge him on his relationship with her," Judy admits, "but the Lord reminded me that He allows the wheat and tares to grow together until it's time for Him to separate them."

By now, Judy had spent many hours a day studying the Word. She was growing rapidly in the Lord. "I wanted Steven to be the spiritual leader," she explains. "So I prayed, telling the Lord that I didn't want to be the head of our household. Afterward, every time I saw Steven, he had grasped some new revelation that had taken me years to learn. His growth in the Lord was fast and solid."

Before long, Steven began attending church with Judy and their children. He developed the habit of staying over for Sunday lunch and spending the afternoon with them. Sunday night they drove separate cars to church. Afterward, Steven always kissed Judy goodnight before sending her home.

As weeks stretched into months, Judy fought impatience. When is the breakthrough going to come? she wondered. Then one afternoon, as Judy listened to Kenneth Copeland tapes and painted her garage, she heard the answer. Without warning, the Holy Spirit spoke four words that took her breath away: It's not many days.

"I constantly had to resist the urge to take things into my own hands," Judy admits. "So instead of getting excited and overeager, I told myself that with God a day is as a thousand years. I turned off my emotions and simply painted the garage."

Eight days later, Steven phoned. He wanted to see Judy - alone. When he arrived, he was choked with emotion. "Judy," he said, "I've been such a jerk."

"God has forgiven you, and I've forgiven you," Judy answered.

Finally, as though from a far distance, Judy heard the words she'd waited four long years to hear. "I love you, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I had to be careful," Judy explains. "I knew that love wasn't enough. Steven had to know it was God's will for me to be his wife. I had to be certain that during the next storm he'd stand on the Word instead of his emotions."

"Besides love," Judy asked, "why else?"

"You're a wonderful mother," Steven said.

"Why else?"

"Well, I wasn't going to say this, because it isn't romantic, but...I spent the weekend in a tent praying and listening to God, and I know it's His will for you to be my wife!"

"Yes!" Judy screamed and tumbled into his lap.

On October 23, 1982, Steven and Judy were remarried.

"The Lord healed our marriage," Judy says, "but there was one detail that still bothered me. I felt cheated out of our special anniversary date. When I prayed about it, the Lord reminded me of Joel 2:25, 'And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm....' "

A few years later, on Valentine's Day - their original anniversary - Steven handed Judy a card. When she opened it, her gaze fell to the words he'd written there. Reading them she felt as though warm oil was pouring over her, healing every emotional scar that remained from the separation and divorce. The card simply said, "On this day in 1970, God gave me His best."

Today, the Myers celebrate their anniversary once again on a day so special the whole world celebrates with them. Both Steven and Judy are active in their church. Judy, Kirstin and Kyle all teach Sunday school. Steven teaches a Bible study, is a deacon, and both Steven and Judy are Care Team leaders in their church.

What does Judy have to say now to others who are navigating rough marital waters? "If you want to weather the storms of life without being completely destroyed, you must build your life on the Word of God. I learned that early from Brother Copeland.

"He was teaching from Luke 6:46-49, where Jesus told the story about the person who hears and obeys the Word. Jesus said that person is like a man who, building a house, dug deep and laid his foundation on a rock. When the flood arose and the torrent broke against his house, it could not be destroyed because of its secure foundation.

"But the person who merely hears the Word and does not put it into practice is like the man who built his house on the sand. When the storm arose against his house, it collapsed immediately.

"I didn't know the Word when the storm struck my marriage. Our relationship wasn't based on godly principles, but on infatuation, so when I started basing my role of wife on the Word it was like building a house during a hurricane.

"Still, I laid hold of Jesus' promise and believed the storm could not prevail if I acted on the Word. Jesus said, '...In the world you have tribulation...but...take courage...for I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm, have conquered it for you]' (John 16:33, The Amplified Bible). It's not easy to build a house while the wind is blowing and floodwaters are rising, but it's possible through faith in God's Word.

"The Word works. It is the Manufacturer's Handbook containing prescribed repair and preventive maintenance for successful living. It will work for whoever puts it to work."

It certainly worked for the Myers. In their lives it proved to be powerful enough to overturn divorce. In their lives the Word became the final decree.

Our story is very similiar so my heart goes out to you. I'm 3 months in recovery and I still cry an awful lot. I wish I could say something to make the pain go away but we know that can't be possible. My H is very remorseful and is trying to help me get over this but I find I can't stand being around him lately. Time is what we need! Are you on anything to help you pass this? I went to doctor and was put on an antidepressant it has helped me function in day to day tasks. I also have gone to a IC weekly thank goodness for good health insurance. Check yours it might cover this expense. Do your children know somethings up? Mine are wondering why I don't eat so much and why I'm always in bedroom? I have no place to go that no one is watching me. My car is my safe haven, I cry in there and sit in the local park and cry or close my office door and cry. It's a sad! I'm even questioning why I am staying because so much has changed and H is treating everything like it was before and our relationship has changed, I have changed but no one knows this but H and me. It's weird I feel like I am watching my life outside my body and everyone around us is treating our life as they know it to be happy and loving and I see it as the total oppisite. Everyone would be shocked by this news my H is a wonderful man and everyone tells me so because thats what they know. My children would me devastated so I live in my little bubble of saddness by myself. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I wish you stength and keep posting.

lj1122,

No, I am not talking any antidepressant, but I feel like I need some. I don't want to ask my doctor for any because I don't want to tell him what is wrong with me.

I do feel the same way that you are feeling now. I also have no one to talk to but h, and he does not even want to talk about it. My children are always asking me what is wrong, and I just tell them that I am not feeling well. I really cannot not continue telling them this, but I don't ever want them to found out about this.

I don't want to cry around them, so I also cry in my car, in the bathroom while the water is running. I am just so sick of crying.

I had so many plans for h and myself. I assume that we would both be able to retire from are jobs in about 10 years and just enjoy ourselves. What a joke. That will never happen since he must pay this cs for his oc.

I hope things work out for all of us at this forum. Hope to hear from you soon.

------
Married 20 years (together for 9 years before marriage.)
children 18, 16, 14,12
oc 9/2000

Hi,

Welcome but sorry for your pain. Our stories only differ because my H's OW didn't keep the child. It doesn't matter though, I still think about it all the time. Check out my post (Just found out... more) for the entire story. I've been trying to hang in there since my D-day 7/12 and 12/17 ( same woman different explanations ). Everyday I think about the affair. I see things, hear songs, and have reminders of what my H did. Yes, It really HURTS. I believe that I stay because I would have been led to leave if that is what I was supposed to do. I'm not religious, I just believe that are paths are set for us. I don't know where I will end up down the road, but for now, I'm trying. Hang in there! In the end, you will know what to do. HUGS!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cry baby:
[QB]Hi,

Our stories only differ because my H's OW didn't keep the child.

=^^= I think you are the first person on this forum that has been given the "Get Out Of jail Free" card in an adoption situation. Most of the GOOJF cards have been the result of DNA coming back negative or due to the OW lying about being pregnant. You are very, very lucky. I for one am very happy for you and very, very jealous at the same time. I would have given ANYTHING for our OW to have put the child up for adoption and relieving us of this horrible, horrible nightmare of extortion at the hands of a corrupt court system while giving the child a stable, loving two-parent family. But, the same selfishness that caused the OW to ignore the fact my husband was married with a family is the same selfishness that enabled her to keep a child she could not afford or care for, sentencing the child to a life of disadvantages.

It doesn't matter though, I still think about it all the time. Everyday I think about the affair. I see things, hear songs, and have reminders of what my H did.

=^^= My D-days were four years ago and while we have had a bumpy recovery until last summer, we are in recovery. I still have triggers and flashbacks occasionally, but the good news is that they are fewer and farther between and have pretty much been relegated to the status of non-issue. I go weeks and weeks without her crossing my mind. This will eventually happen for you, too.

Catnip =^^=

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">