My H has made it clear that OW does not want me in her childs life and that creates a BIIIIGGGGG problem for me. I can not and will not accept H going to her house to see child while we're trying to save whats left of our marriage. Who knows another child may come up as a result. My lawyer says and I agree that most judges will not remove a child from it mother at such a young age and we should wait a few years before confronting the visitation issue legally. This woman is holding me responsible because I didn't choose to leave my H as a result of her trapping him and I'm sure she's holding this baby over my H's head. I keep telling H that he needs to leave the woman alone so that she can heal and get on with her life. Sadly I must say H and OW are both acting like a 2 year olds about the whole situation. 1st of all H knows my heart better then anyone in the world. I know in my heart and soul that I can accept and love this child. Every child is a blessing from God. I know that there's a great chance that I will walk away without looking back if H does not begin to deal with this situation in a respectable and sensible manner. I dont know what to do anymore. I don't think I can make a difference unless my H is incomplete agreement with me.

robbed,
ok, thats just crap. If you are willing to have OC in your life, then OW should get with the program. A woman who uses a child as a pawn to keep H around turns my stomach.
I posted a reply to you in your other post about possible visitation at a third parties home, where OW could drop OC off to visit your H without sticking around.
Speaking personally, I am a FOW with an OC, and hearing stories about wacko OWs makes me so angry!They ruin it for the rest of us, by being such losers. Some of the antics I hear about make it no wonder so many BSs want NC (though honestly I strongly disagree with that route). If I had to deal with a wacko while I was trying to heal my life...UGH!
Good Luck to YOU!!
I wan't nothing to do with exMM romantically, though I do wish he would be a father to his child, and I hope he continues to work out his M. If his W wanted to see the baby, I would have absolutely no problem with that.
It should be stated I didn't know he was married until after I was pregnant, and abortion is not a life option for me...

<small>[ January 12, 2003, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: cantdealwithyou ]</small>

Cantdelwithyou, you are so right. I'm dealing with a "WACKO" here. Not that I'm excusing my H in anyway but this OW set out to get pregnant. She didn't stop to think for one second that were married and had two daughters at home. Let me give you a lil more info. H was not only dealing with this OW he was dealing with at least 2 women at work this OW included. OW knew about Wife at home and the other OW on the job and I believe she got pregnant in hopes of winning H over all the women in his life not knowing H is a sex Addict. Well it looks like what she planned has back fired in her face and now she has a new born baby and is still sitting at home alone. Baby born on Dec. 17 2002 and come Xmas where's daddy? Home with his wife and family (must be painful). This woman is truly angry and bitter and at this point and I think will try just about anything to get revenge for her own stupidity.
You're right trying to heal while dealing with a wacko like this is going to be rough.

Robbed,
Is your H listed on OCs birth certificate? If so, his right to visitation is automatic. Its true that some judges wouldn't let the baby be away from the mother for long periods of time at such a young age, especially if she's nursing, but your H would be entitled to at least a few hours with the child in his own home, not hers. I think the sooner that type of visitation is established, the more likely the judge would be to grant longer periods of time at your and Hs home, if thats what you want.
She can't force him only to see the child at her home. In a way, that would be considered "parental alienation" as she is putting him in a situation he may not want to be in, and using the child to do it.

I don't know if she listed him as the father on the birth cetificate but I do know H did not sign the birth certificate and baby does not have our last name. I don't know how this is going to pan out. Getting H to talk about and deal with these issues is like pulling teeth. H is trying to go on as if nothing ever happened.

Robbed - depending on what state you live in, your H could be listed on the BC. It sounds like you'll have to go to court to get visitation that isn't at OW's home. Unless she has proof that you've threatened her or the child, then there isn't any reasonable reason for your H NOT to get unsupervised visitation.
and cdwyou - just because a father is listed on a BC doesn't make visitation automatic. In a perfect world, it would. (CD - please correct me if I'm wrong) If my son's father was an absolute monster and he was listed on the BC - he would have automatic visitation? I don't think so.

Unfortunately OW and I have had verbal confrontations before the OC was conceived. I believe that H has more control over this situation then he realizes and in my opinion is not stepping up to the plate. In fact his behavior is making matters worse then they have to be. Such behavior makes me question his true intentions in all of this.

Joshmom is absolutely correct. There is no automatic right to visitation (at least not in any state that I know of). A father has to file a custody/visitation action. A father is *entitled* to visitation, but it is something that he has to actively pursue. Being listed on the birth certificate merely gives the natural father "standing" to bring the custody action.

Robbed,
Find yourself another attorney. The earlier you pursue visitation, the more likely you are to eventually be awarded a substantial share of custody down the road. If you wait until the child is older, you will be faced with getting to know a toddler who has no idea in the world who you are. Ow will NOT be able to dictate the terms of visitation. As your h's wife, you will have every right to be included.

But please, find yourself an attorney who is willing to fight for you. I've never heard of any competent attorney advising his client not to pursue visitation because the child is too young!!! Robbed, if you want to bond with this child, now is the time to do it.

-cd

I totally agree with you but getting H to persue it is a horse of a diferent color. I tell you it seems like he's protecting her andnot our family.

CD and Josh,
I used the wrong words. I did mean he was entitled, not that it was automatic. I meant that if he wanted visitation, he would most likely get it. Of course you're correct about a visitation hearing with the courts.
If OW is admitting he is the father, and H is not contesting it, there would be no reason for him not to get visitation court ordered..and it could most certainly be AWAY from OW.
CD, do you know if the OWs antics in this situation would be something that could be brought up before a judge, to illustrate her obvious attempts to be destructive to Robbed and her H? Just curious.

CDWY,
A good attorney would definitely bring up any actions by the ow that are destructive to the parent/child relationship between oc and the natural father, as well as any behaviours that are erratic or irrational. The best thing anybody can do in a custody battle is document EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT that occurs. Judges will often allow you to read right from a notebook as to events that have happened. It is a tactic that our attorney used very effectively in court, back when my ex and I were pursuing custody of oc.

The down side to this matter is that judges will often be very sympathetic to ow and less sympathetic to the wife of the marriage. Often, ow is viewed as a helpless victim and the MM is seen as a callous heel b/c he got one woman pregnant while married to another. I would advise anybody who is considering pursuing a custody action against ow in reference to an oc to work on developing a thick skin and practice being calm, in control, and gracious. It is the dignity of the wife that often turns the case.
-cd

We do not want custody. She can have sole custody. But you see this is his (if it is his child) only son. We have 2 daughters. God I hate what has been done here.

Robbed,
Any pursuit of visitation, etc. is called a custody action, because it concerns the custody of the child. If you and your h had the oc 2 weekends per month, for example, you would technically share custody of oc with ow. Visitation is a word commonly used in reference to such matters, but in actuality, visitation is not really custody whatsoever. Visitation is what a third party (such as a grandparent) would bring action for, if denied access to the child.
-cd

I am glad you brought this up, My H and I are both in this situation too. OW told H he doesn't have to be involved with the OC if he doesn't want to. OW told him the only way she would except him being involved if he leaves me. We are going to see a lawyer about this. I feel she did the same, but our love for each other was stronger than she thought she had with H. I would even consider helping to raise this OC considering we lost our Child at 16 years old. So I have no hard feelings for children I love them. So glad to hear so many in sites on this matter helps us to. She is due February 24 so really soon.

This is a sad situation. I just wish that as wives we had some sort of restitution for what we go through as a result of such actions. Don't get me wrong here I do believe these OC are entitled to support but that OW should have to pay a penalty of some sort.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>This is a sad situation. I just wish that as wives we had some sort of restitution for what we go through as a result of such actions. Don't get me wrong here I do believe these OC are entitled to support but that OW should have to pay a penalty of some sort.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish the same thing that you do. I found out four weeks ago about oc. I am so sick about this whole thing. I am finding out also that the oc is 2, and h is paying cs, but is behind. This has hurt us very bad in the finance dept. I know that she plan this to happen.

I don't know what I am going to do with my situation. We have four children, married 20 years, went together 9 years, before marriage. I gave h 29 years of my life, and look what happen.

I hope everything works out with you. I am still crying and cannot focus. Just don't know what to do.

I know you pain very well and I'm so sorry that WE'RE going through this. I too am still crying and I found out in May of 2002 that she was pregnant, 12 years younger then me and to top it off they work together. I have to be honest I still have not made up my mind as to whats going to happen to my marriage. Iknow my H vey well and in the back of my mind I know he's going to some more stupid things. My H don't think sh-t stinks until he smells it. So I would suggest that you take time to think before you act. Trust in your faith and weigh it out. At this point I'm not giving the OW the satisfaction. She deserves to suffer along with the rest of us. I guess that's the witch in me coming out. But in reality I'm only prolonging my healing. So sooner or later something will have to give in my situation. I pray that God blesses you and that you find peace.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>This is a sad situation. I just wish that as wives we had some sort of restitution for what we go through as a result of such actions. Don't get me wrong here I do believe these OC are entitled to support but that OW should have to pay a penalty of some sort.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust me. We pay. It may not be in the same way as your husband, but we pay.

If she didn't want a wife involved, she should have gotten her own damn man!! Man, the nerve of these women... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hello there,
I too have an ugly situtation which was handed to me by my H, I had no choice or option.So for these OW out there having babies that shouldn't have been concieved I don't feel for them.My thoughts and feeling about this have turned and changed so many times and ways.I do feel that the father(cheating Husband) should be fininally obliged, but he needs to find some way to do that without putting the burden on the family he already has!!!! After all the family has suffered enough!!!! As woman most of us feel the need to work things out and try our best to make it all work, when if It's the other way around W having a baby from A most men would leave. Sorry for venting just need to get this off my mind!!!

Good -luck to all and remember do what best and what you as a person can live with!!!!

Love Jill
jaggerslady