Hi all, my husband and I are new to this web site. We are looking for advice on the following from couples or people who have had similar experiences.<P>My husband had an affair over two years ago that started as a friendship and that developed into a tangled web of lies and deceit. We have been through counseling and have been working on the lost trust and related issues. He just recently told "all" and finally admitted that all truths have been told. <P>The woman that he had the affair with lives in the area and we see her often through the year. Needless to say it only reminds us of the pain of the past and is hard to deal with. Recently we began noticing things that lead us to believe that she is having an affair with a man my husband knows vaguely. He also lives in the area even closer to our home. They are both married and have young children (so do my husband and I). We feel for the man's wife and children as we personally know how devastating an affair is to all involved.<P>We are wrestling with the right thing to do in this situation. Part of us thinks we should just "mind our own business", but the other part thinks we will only be at peace if we somehow pass on the information that we know, even if it is simply "warning" the other parties of who they are dealing with. Also part of our thinking is that it is so very hard to run into them let alone "know" what is going on causing more pain and suffering to all families involved and not say anything, therefore it would be easier for my husband and I to know we at least tried to help regardless of the outcome.<P>We also do not know how to pass along the information or to whom but we have some ideas that we are discussing and looking for your suggestions. <P>[This message has been edited by Second Time Smarter (edited September 10, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by Second Time Smarter (edited September 10, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Second Time Smarter (edited September 10, 1999).]

hello sts,<BR>I can sure understand your points about the neighborhood ow. WOnder what other options you might have? Can your H or you speak to the man and let him know that the secret is no longer such? Perhaps suggest soem things to him that would include talking to his wife? It might be a bit easier for her coming from her H. Certainly all would agree that it is his resposibility. <BR>Maybe you know someone that would talk to the ow? Yeah, this is a long shot!! One would have to assume that she would care and understand, though her actions say otherwise.<BR>I sort of favor the direct route...right to the h and ow. (would you be willing to knowck on the front door when you know he is at the ow's and talk to them both? Maybe that is too direct for some)<BR>I do NOT vote for doing nothing, but I am sure there are some that would advise that. <BR>I feel for you making this decision. Follow your heart and you will do the right thing.<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited September 06, 1999).]

STS, I am glad your marriage is recovering. It gives me hope. I would have your H talk to the man (the one having the affair). He can be honest and simply say that if he doesn't tell his wife that you and your H will. Give him a time frame. That way he will know and will have been given the chance. Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

STS,<P>Just an insight. I was very grateful to my Mother's client who told me about the affair. Without her, I would still be in the dark and the damage could be a lot far worse.<P>God bless you and your kind soul.<P>Saskia

STS's -<P>First, I would like to say Welcome to MB and congrats on all the work and rebuilding that you both have done. Good for you!!!!!<P>It is unfortunate that you have to be uncomfortable in some social situations and hopefully, that will ease with time.<P>It is also very nice to see people who care about others enough to want to help them. <P>I agree with CL, that it would be best to at the very least, talk with the man. By your saying all 3 marriages, I gather that this woman has a husband who is also either hurting already or soon will be. Perhaps she should be spoken to as well, so that her husband is shown to be regarded in all this.<P>Can that be done comfortably by either one or both of you? Going to the spouses should be the undertaking of these two people and if they are aware that the news is going around maybe they will face up to their own marriages and nip things in the bud.<P>Hope this helps in your decision.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Thank you all for your replies.<p>[This message has been edited by Second Time Smarter (edited September 10, 1999).]