I am not sure as to why I am posting this. I guess b/c I am so confused as to why I am not jumping up and down about this.
As most of you know my H had a child thru his affair. We pay child support but have no contact, and that was his decision. It was the best way he saw that we could repair our marriage...and honestly he is right. I don't want this to be a debate on that decision. That is how we have chosen to handle the situation for us...others have been able to have contact, and I commend them for that.
Anyway, my H and I were driving home the day he got back (he got in from his trip at 3 am) and he said that he got a message from the OW the day before. (He has agreed to tell me when she calls and he said he hadn't told me the night before b/c he didn't get the message until he crossed the state line very late at night/early am.) The message she had left said the she had gotten married and that her new name has to be on the cs payments.
I sat there and felt a million feelings, but couldn't recognize any one of them. Anyone else would be happy...she has moved on with her life, given up on my H...But in reality, except for the fact that he broke it off b/c she began to elude that she was developing feelings for him, she never pursued him after he broke it off. Didn't even tell him about the pregnancy until she was 5 months pg. But I digress again...sorry,
Anyway...I have always hoped that she would get married and then the H would want to adopt the child...and that would be, yes I will admit, for selfish reasons. I wouldn't have to see the monthly reminder of the affair each month and also see $ that should be used for my children be sent out...(yes alot of hostility about that is there I guess. I haven't yet dealt wtih that yet, still working on the feelings about the affair.) So as my H said this is the halfway mark in getting what I hope for...
But while feeling happy and relieved, I am mad, (gee, can anyone tell), that I am even in this situation, at times it still feels like a nightmare that I should be waking up from. It still will not change what could happen in the future with this child, if he ever seeks out his father...and then all the work we had done would be tested as all the old feelings would be brought back.
I an jealous that she has moved on with her life while I am still desperatly trying to find peace in mine after she blew on thru it. She had her child (I have my own thoughts on if it was purely an accident) and then finds true love, for the 3rd time (not counting the feelings she began to develop for my H), and goes on continually taking from our family. (please do not read that as the child doesn't deserve it...I know he does, but it just hurts so much!)
Why is it that I can't just be happy with this, and not be so selfish to focus it all on how it does/doesn't affect or change/help our situation? Am I doomed to just live in this limbo of non-emotion?
Sorry, don't know why I posted, just wanted to get the thoughts out...

NGU

NGU,
Don't be sorry that you posted! I probably would feel the same way as you! As for as OC coming to seek your H out. I would just have a plan of action if he does and stick with that plan that you and your H worked out! Yes, your feelings will come back, but you can over come them.

I believe it just take time to deal with your emotions. Hopefully, I helped a little. As, I am not good and writing my thoughts down.

Dawn

NGU,

I think you're feelings are probably normal. Your healing is about you and how you feel. Not her ot anything good or ill that happens to her.

If she disappeared in a puff of smoke and was never heard from again, you'd still have the wreckage and memory of the EMA. I think your feelings make perfect since.

Hello,

I agree don't be sorry!! I believe I would have the same reaction! Me and h also have no contact, by mutal agreement of all parties involved. I too feel this was necessary in order to repair our marriage. At first I felt I stayed because I wanted to spare the embarassement and because we have a child already. However, as the years past..we resparked the fire in our marriage. I love my h but the pain of knowing oc exists is still unbearable. It's not so much that he had an affair anymore..cause I believe she too has gone on with her life...just want you to know you are not. Please feel free to send me email at uvegotmail@mail.com. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sending my prayers your way..

Butterfly

NGU,

Out of alot of situations, ours have some similarities...and the wish/hope for adoption of the OC is normal in my book as I wish/hope for that for our OC.

One thing I hope for now that our ex-ow's are married now, is that they would gain an understanding of what being married feels like.

I used to resent the fact that my H's ex-ow gets to enter into a union with faith, trust and fidelity with her new hubby but I'm left to pick up what I have....but I hope that it works out for her...Happily Married=Not gonna bother us and so far, she hasn't....

I wish I had a magic wand that I can wave over all of us to make us "feel better" but that doesn't seem to be a happening thing...(the magic wand that is.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Hang in there, I'm here for you, you know how to reach me via Messenger/IM....
Hugs,
Twiisty

Butterfly,

You stated that as the years past-we resparked the fire in our marriage.

How long ago did this happen? I just found out about a month ago, and I am having a very hard this with this. The oc is 2, and h has no contact with oc/ow.

I have so much anger built up inside of me. I do love my h,but I am very hurt. He has put us in a money bind, because he must pay cs, and we have four children.

Please give me some advise of how to deal with this mess. I wish I could turn back the time.

IDMHVM

Hey guys...I was getting worried that no-one was out there...and then I turn on the computer this afternoon and there were 4 replys.
Thanks all for your thoughts.

Dawn: I agree, that we need a plan of action, something that will give me a sense of security in an otherwise unpredictable situation. He may never seek my H out, and the fact that I constantly fear this, something that COULD happen in the future, really affects my present.

Katie: I have always thought that too, when I was unsure of our marriage right after the EMA, that if we parted I would still have to deal with that, but adding on the pain of losing him.

Butterfly: I think in the beginning I also stayed for the kids, and the fact that I was 5 months pregnant upon d-day didn't help. I have great hope in reconcilliation, that it could be better than before, but I find it hard to separate the pain of the affair from the pain of a child being born and the unpredictable future that brings along with it. Any suggestions?...BTW thankds for the e-mail address...I have it copied down.

Twisty:HAPPY BELATED B-DAY!!!!! It is funny but this is her 3rd marraige, and her 3rd child. You would think she knew enough about it all...

IDMHVM:oh my, only a month! Please read what the other women here tell you. You are still in the raw stages of this...I am 2 1/2 years into it, and still a little stuck. I come here daily for rays of inspiration. "Time will help"...I know that is hard to see now. People told me that when my Mom died when I was 14yo...I looked at them and thought they were crazy. You need to feel the feelings to work things out...take your time. There is no set time frame on all this. Just be open and honest with him, as for me that is the key to us being able to work on things.

Again thanks for the kind thoguhts and prayers!
NGU

OC is about 7 years(a girl) old now. No one in my family knows oc exists. That is something that is very heavy on my heart. I do not have anyone to talk to about my whole situation, only my h. I know that I cannot "hide" this forever. The pain has become more surreal as the years have past. Or is it that I'm still in denial? I think I've recovered more from the act and pain of the affair, but I know I will never understand my feelings toward the fact that oc exists. It's hard to explain.

I don't know how to answer the circumstances that befall us in our lives. But, I know that I trust God's plan. I have faith in our marriage and the road to recovery is not easy but well worth the journey. Through this experience I have discovered and tested my patience, my obligations, my morals...it's required a lot of mind boggling soul searching and for sure it's changed me for the better... --Finding this site, has been wonderful in my healing process and I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support and words of wisdom! Everytime I come and read some of the postings here, there is something someone says that touches me and makes dealing a little easier every day...

hmmm...I forgot to answer your question about suggestions..well somethings that have worked for me have been prayer for sure. Also, when I feel angry or just feel like crying, I let myself cry. Sometimes I sit in the bathroom and cry. Seems silly but it lets me release some tension inside...Also, doing nice things for myself like
pampering myself...I know I had to stop questioning my self worth cause I know I didn't "deserve" the pain..I used to ask myself where did I go wrong? Well, I had to move past the questioning of self-worthiness..

Also, my h and I now do more things together alone, we go to a movie or have dinner. We talk about how we see ourselves in the future..what we are looking forward to and we work toward that...it also helps that he lets me vent..I can honestly say that this situation has brought us even closer than before. You will have good and bad days..it's true but at the end of each of those days, I still have my h and we are in love and we are happy once again kids and all...and this is my future. This is my life..

Butterfly,

I have the same feelings that you have. My family does not know anything about the oc, and I just don't want anyone to ever find out. I feel so sad because I can't even tell my best friend about this problem that I am having. She thinks my h is so wonderful and would never do anything in the world to hurt me. Well, he did. It has only been a month since I have found out about oc. I still find myself crying all the time. I know that my h loves with very much. He still me that this was just a dumb mistake that he did, and he know that he has hurt me very deeply.

I really have no one to talk to. I just keep praying and asking God to help me with this. I do want to make my marriage work, but I am just so upset me h.

I hope that we can talk again. I am so glad that God showed me the pathway to this forum. I felt like I was the only one that had a problem like this.

Thanks to all of you for listening to me vent.

i am new on here however, i did post my life story under cheated. i too feel that my h and i are closer and are spending more time together working it out. my situation is very new and i am a very strong woman. read my story please.