This is my second post, my story is listed under just found this board if your interested in reading it. My question is though, what KIND of marriage is left after an A? Do you worry when he/she is 10 minutes late from work? Do check their credit card statements? Do you spy on them? Do you limit their internet use? I'm still new into this situation but I know myself well to know that I would do all of those things if I stayed w/UH so why should I bother staying with him. If I act that paranoid all the time, won't that just drive him to another A? If I do work it out with him what can I expect in the future with the OC? He wants no contact w/OC or OW but it can't be just as simple as paying $300 bucks a month to her. Won't that amount change over time? What if the OC needs braces or glasses or something like that, do they come after UH for more money? Is this a constant battle field? I have SO much anger in my right now that I want to hurt OW and UH so much for this. Not just for what they did to me but what they did to OC and my DS too. HOW can ANYONE be so damn selfish? I just don't understand and I'm starting to cry again at work so I better go for now. Please help me, say anything to me. Just talk to me about this. I have NO friends here and I'm going through this alone. HELP!!!

Hello,
Well, I have to tell it takes time to heel! I did spy on my H and did check the credit card statements. And I do worry where he is but now it is not every minute of the day! I have not spied or check credit card statements for about 11 months. So, I am not so parnoid anymore. I believe it was because of time. I still worry sometimes but I don't think about as much as I used to.

Hope this helps. You are not alone!

Dawn

This is my first time responding here. I visited this site yesterday for support but, did not respond at that time. I found out 3 months ago my husband of 10 years had an affair with w of different race and child was born 5 months ago. The main problem is I have 2 children born before my husband and I got together but, we have no children together. We are in MC and it seems to be working. He is being very supportive of my feelings because I was a basket case months ago. I believe in God and he will bring us through this. You see I had a tubal done right when I met my husband and he supported me through it. We had just met then and he said if we were together in the future we could adopt or something. That was fine with me because we were in love. We were checking into having a reversal done however very expensive and couldn't afford at this point in time. His A accorded after I had an affair. I have 2 very good friends who are supporting me through this wo them I would not be as strong as I am today. Dont get me wrong there are times when I want revenge or I want to leave the marriage but, my faith in the Lord keeps me going and keeps us both working hard and fighting for our marriage. My husband had not other kids but, I suspected he cheated in the past and that is why I cheated last year. He was a basket case when he found out and I felt no pity for him. He turned to her for support and this is the end result. Imagine how I feel the OW has something from my husband I can never give him and it tears me up inside. She does not want me around the kid and we are trying to go the legal route because she is stone nuts. I have recorded her calling us and yelling and just crazy. I feel no pity for her she knew he was married when she met him. She is pissed that he didnt leave me for her. Anyway be strong and believe it will not be easy. I have my good days and bad ones but, I pray alot and I am a very blessed person and everything happens for a reason. I wanted for my husband to have a baby desperately even at the expense of my health. I prolonged having a hyste. to try the reversal but, not anymore. Will have hyste. next month and will never be able to have child with husband but, now he has one as bad as it sounds. He loves me and I love him and his words of encouragement and support is helping me in a big way. I still search through things but, I am getting stronger and with time I will not be doing those things anymore. Be strong and positive read inspirational things if you give my your email address I will send you some encouraging words I can help be your support as well as you mine.

Keep in touch.

TINMLife,

The marriage after the A is what the two people make it.

Mine and many many others here have a better marriage than pre-affair.

As long as both parties take the affair as a learning tool and realize the destruction of what occurred, there is no fear and paranoia (sp?).

Another thing that HAS to happen is the BS must come to grips with what was their contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. By correcting that behavior and the WS correcting their behavior the "risk factor" is significantly lowered.

Both parties are fulfilled in the relationship and all the other mess is left behind.

And last but not least ... successful marriages (with and without affairs) are built on God's sholders. If there is a spiritual base to everything between a man and a woman ... you can't go wrong.

Realize that this doesn't happen overnight. It's built upon a history of "good behavior" and a visual work ethic. I see my H working on our marriage daily. I know he couldn't possibly carry on another affair when he is so focused on us and this family.

God bless and good luck,
Z.