This article's main idea could also be applied to the subject of one spouse choosing to leave another without really trying to save the marriage! I'm going through that right now. It might be helpful to have a separate article addressing this issue.

Indeed! Children feel a terrible pain of abandonment from divorce. When my wife was 14 years old her mother moved out and divorced to be with another man. To this day my wife is still angry, hurt and frightened about the sense of abandonment. <P>The huge irony is now my wife wants to end our marriage. About our 5 year old daughter, she just says "Kid's are resiliant, she'll get over it." I said "Like you got over your parent's divorce? Kid's are resiliant, but they never get over divorce, they just get on." <P>Recent studies by sociologists and psychologists are showing that divorce is much more traumatic for the children than for the couple. Our society's casual regard for divorce has brought a lot of suffering to our children. The great shame is in most cases the divorce and suffering are avoidable.<P>I agree with you, this is an extremely important issue.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Kenneth (edited February 18, 2000).]

Do you have any documentation of the studies I could refer to? My H acts like my daughter will be just fine, just like we were. Yeah right. He is a mess from it. He has MAJOR abandonment issues. <P>They can't see what is RIGHT in front of them. They can sure be selectively blind when they want to.

I just bought the first book listed below. It's a very well documented longitudinal study of several divorced families. The author interviewed the children over a course of 10 years during and following their parents divorce. The results are clear and shocking: the children are still hurt, and in several cases quite messed up. As one now adult man says in the book "there is an emptiness inside me that never goes away".<P>I haven't read the other books, but they sound good too. You can print out summaries and reviews of all the books and show them to your husband.<P>I look at my beautiful, happy and bright daughter and I ask myself "Is anything more important than her well being?" As her father I know I would give my life to defend her against any harm. Surely to God, I can and will do whatever it takes to defend her against the devastation of divorce.<P>The books: <P>"Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce" by Judith S. Wallerstein, <P>"The Divorce Culture : Rethinking Our Commitments to Marriage and Family" by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead<P>"Life Without Father : Compelling New Evidence That Fatherhood and Marriage Are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society" David Popenoe<P>"Case Against Divorce" Diane Medved<P>Follow this link to amazon.com<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0395735335/o/qid=950823640/sr=8-1/102-8433870-6302451" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0395735335/o/qid=950823640/sr=8-1/102-84338 70-6302451</A> <BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Kenneth (edited February 18, 2000).]

This is my first time posting, and after reading this thread about abandonment, I felt like I had to post. I am currently living with my boyfriend, and we have plans for getting engaged some time down the road. We have a great relationship except that I seem to always be the one stirring it up. I usually am the one who complains and who makes the stress level rise in our relationship. In fact, today, he asked me, "You really don't know how good you have it, do you?" I can sense he is really getting fed up by me. Let me explain...

I look forward to the weekends because I look forward to having some down time at home, and being able to spend quality time with my BF since the weeks are so busy. I get very upset ( I wish I didn't) when he tells me he is going over to his friends house for the day to watch football or is going to see a movie with his friend, etc... I hate that I am like this but I am having trouble changing this. I totally feel abandoned when he leaves. The most bizzare part of any of this is that we DO spend A WHOLE lot of time together. He tells me, "You act like we never spend time together, and like I am always trying to get away from you." In my head, I am often thinking, "yes, I do."

My parents got divorced when I was only 3, and my mom had another marriage after that which was horrible and he left, and now is married to another man who just cheated on her and now they are working things back out. Also, two years ago I was kidnapped and raped by a man I didn't know. He is in prison now, for life, because of me, and, even though this gives me a great sense of power, I am still left with so many feelings of anger, rage, jealousy, etc... My boyfriend tells me, "No matter what I do for you, it will never be enough." My boyfriend is amazing and sometimes I feel like I need to pay more attention to how I feel about him and us, instead of always trying to protect myself from future hurt. Please, if anyone could help me, I sure do need it.

magjulnolia
Age 24

i don't know about the divorced parents part in this, but even Dr> Harley would tell you that if he isn't willing to follow the POJA then it's never gonna work. I just got out of one that Dr. H advised me to dump months ago. He was right. He's putting his interests above yours and letting you suffer at his expense. That never works in a marriage. I'd think about moving out, letting him "do without" for a while and let him see how it feels not to have you around. If he's not willing to meet your needs, then there's no reason he should be getting his met at your expense. The longer you let this ride - the worse it's going to get.

Talk to him about Dr. Harley's stuff first and if he loves you and not just what he's getting from you then he might change. If not, you're better off without him.

Hiya, again, Magjul...

BTE created you a thread over on Emotional Needs forum, I think...a thread of your own. You can copy and paste this post onto it, so you get a lot of traffic...I'll bump your thread again, and you'll see it, if you click on Active Topics.

First, tell me what you've studied, how long in counseling, that kind of stuff...that you've done to help yourself. Others can't help you...they can share with you...you are the only one who will change yourself, your life.

In your corner,

LA