and preferably in recovery of some sorts....

How often do you think about oc? Someone and I think it was Jenny a while back said that after 3/4 years that conversation of oc was almost non-existent.

Just wondering from you ladies - do you think about oc daily? just when cs check goes out? when you get mail from ow? how often, is it a fleeting thought or does it really DREDGE up all the past.

This oc thing may be the deal breaker for me. I know that sounds harsh but in my head I cannot IMAGINE how to move past this. How do you move past a living/breathing part of your H? I am not as worried about affair and recovery from affair as I am worried about oc. I believe the affair would heal easier without offspring.

Maybe I'm confused somehow - maybe it's not the oc that I worry about so much as it is contact with ow? I don't know that I have that straight in my head just yet.

Remember possible oc is almost two and H has not had anything to do with it yet so most likely he has made his lifelong decision. But it's new for me.

So, when I imagine life with this possible oc I only really have the past two months to gauge. And in those past two months I have thought about it daily. (geez, I bet you're surprised)

Please, your honest thoughts!

A

Angelia,

I just found out about oc about a month ago. I think about this oc all of the time. I also think this is what is driving me so crazy, that he has a child by someone else. He has no contact with this child, saw it when he did the genetic testing in 5/01 and have not seem him since.

I hope and pray that this will get better, but right now I cry every time I think about this child. I just get sick to my stomach, and just don't know what to do.

--------
married 20 years (dated 9 years)
4 children
d-day 12/17/02
oc born 9/2000
no contact

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>and preferably in recovery of some sorts....

How often do you think about oc? almost every day angelia. Someone and I think it was Jenny a while back said that after 3/4 years that conversation of oc was almost non-existent.

True after 2 years it doesn't come up at all.

Just wondering from you ladies - do you think about oc daily? just when cs check goes out? when you get mail from ow? how often, is it a fleeting thought or does it really DREDGE up all the past.

When I get bank balance and remind H to drop more in it reminds us both...but as a bill that may be late.



This oc thing may be the deal breaker for me. I know that sounds harsh but in my head I cannot IMAGINE how to move past this. How do you move past a living/breathing part of your H?

I truly never think it is that, maybe H does but never says...it's a double edged sword.

I am not as worried about affair and recovery from affair as I am worried about oc. I believe the affair would heal easier without offspring.

absoloute truth!! the kid is a definate deterant. Not for long....

Maybe I'm confused somehow - maybe it's not the oc that I worry about so much as it is contact with ow? I don't know that I have that straight in my head just yet.

I never will have it. H knows it. H can see oc. I just will not be at his side.Too much has passed now...do not want the aggrivation or acknowledgement of oc in daily life.

Remember possible oc is almost two and H has not had anything to do with it yet so most likely he has made his lifelong decision. But it's new for me.

I know it's a tough nut...

So, when I imagine life with this possible oc I only really have the past two months to gauge. And in those past two months I have thought about it daily. (geez, I bet you're surprised)

Please, your honest thoughts!

Angelia you can only do what you can do.Your h seems like he's committed. I hope he is! If it feels wrong then believe it.

also must say, if H loves you and is sorry for oc, do the right thing and believe him. It will take you back on track, it did for H and me. His depression is now for stupidity and the cs and health ins. for oc.....oh well...

love
Debi

A</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I feel for all those who must deal with a spouse that contributed to the conception of a child outside of your marriage. I'm sure the pain and hurt is unimaginable. As hard as it is, please keep one thing in mind - the child is innocent. There should be no ill will directed towards the child. Given that, the child deserves the love and support (emotional and financial) of a father. This is in no way whatsoever giving the thumbs up to the complete betrayal of hubby. I would hope that any father gives to all his children the deserved love and support. I understand that the challenge of having a constant reminder of hubby's infedility in your life is hurtful, painful, and probably embarrassing. If you can't make peace with that within yourself, then it may be best to end the marriage - however, don't make this decision lightly or quickly, it may take some time before you are able (if you are able) to come to a place where you've made peace about having a child in your life conceived outside of your marriage. Again, I emphasize, hubby can not be any more wrong, but the innocent child should not beprived. Should a wife decide to leave, hubby's relationship with his other children should be worked out between him and his children (if it applies). I pray that things get better for all in this kind of situation, but keep in mind that the child is innocent.

***. If you can't make peace with that within yourself, then it may be best to end the marriage ***

So pretty much what you are saying is the vows of marriage mean nothing, only the well being of oc is important ?
And if ending the marriage destroys the children of the marriage thats OK, as long as oc is happy ?

jtigger

That's a good question tj.

I don't think it's fair to even ask a wife to get divorce because she can't except the OC

In so many words you are saying OC is more important than BS and there own children?

I'm not saying the marriage vows mean nothing, I'm not saying the other child (I'm not up on all the acronyms used here, please spell out) is more important, I'm not saying their should be a divorse. Each individual handles things differently, and some are able to better deal with similiar situations. There are responses (not just in this thread) in which the betrayed wife has taken the other child into her heart - she and hubby both make visits together. More often than not, this is not the case. No one in this situation will not have their happiness tested. Someone in some way will end up with the short end of the stick. This kind of situation can not help but to distribute sorry to all those involved - regardless of the decisions made, someone is going to be left not completely satisfied with whatever decision is made. All I'm saying is that ALL children deserves the love and support (emotionally and FINANCIALLY) of their parents. No one child should be valued more important than the other child by their parents, oc or otherwise.

Maybe so..! I also think that it is a lot easier to say when you are not in the situation. I'm just in the beginning of recover so I'm still very bitter but I could care less for this child I now that sounds harsh but it is truly how I feel. It is loved by the ow and her family and I don't think not knowing the father is that big an issue. I grow up without a father and my mother and family were great and I don't feel like my life is any less for it. I have no feeling for this child and if H wants to save marriage NC is the way it has to be. I probably sound very selfish but it is how I feel.

***someone is going to be left not completely satisfied ***

Why should that "someone" be the betrayed spouse?

justaguy,

are you the ws (wayward spouse) or bs (betrayed spouse)? just want to know what direction your advice is coming from.

Hello

We have no contact but provide monetary support and health insurance. You can find peace within yourself w/out having contact with oc. Choosing to have no contact w/oc doesn't mean there is resentment toward the child..All parties involved came to this agreement. I didn't force my h to cut the ties...he chose this on his own..and honestly I feel it was necessary to repair our marriage.

To me, all that matters is that my children are loved and cared for..why should I burden my heart with wondering about oc constantly. I'm not going to sit around and wallow in resentment. I will be happy...oc has a parent that loves her anyway. All chidren are precious, but I only have time to care for and worry about my own in this lifetime.

Hi angelia,
Prayer is a powerful way to handle these emotions. Every time you think of OC, you can pray for God's provision--for the xOW (yes!) and for you that every need would be met. You do not have to have contact to pray for them. But prayer can help you get through the tough times when the thoughts are attacking you. You can pray for healing for your marriage and continued restoration. Pray that xOW will have enough $$ and no reason to keep dragging your H into court for more CS and all that junk. I say just pray... Then you can maintain a peaceful tone and atmosphere in your home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>
... How do you move past a living/breathing part of your H? I am not as worried about affair and recovery from affair as I am worried about oc. I believe the affair would heal easier without offspring...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If every time you think of OC, remember OC has a living/breathing full-time mother who (hopefully) can take care of OC without excessive amounts of CS!

And I'm not so sure about any easy way to heal from an affair... All BS's are dealing with painful triggers years down the road and without OCs... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know you have been thinking a lot about the OC, but you did say this is only a possible OC, so hopefully all your worries are over a possibility instead of a reality...

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

angelia,
Listen to your heart honey.

Oc in our case gives us no more grief other than CS....it is causing H to feel a failure lately as we are approaching 50...and he feels he hasn't done all he should have /could have. Money wise, cs/health ins. could be a new Cadillac like ow drives! Oh well....she could do it w/o cs! lol

My answer?

"OH! please, we went through this mid-life crisis two and a half years ago! Don't let me have another surprise cuz it'll kill me!" ha ha

So angelia...in time you will think of your family only...not oc or A

Time heals all wounds..

BTDT thanks for your input and Christian ways. You always have a way of telling things from the "other side" that heals us from the receiving end totally.....
love
Debi

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

ANGELIA'S THREAD GOT HIGHJACKED!

Justaguy, you should've posted your own thread to debate YOUR issue. You haven't been there or done that; with all due respect, you don't understand the complexities of what you're talking about. Hang around and read for a few months (years?) and then talk.

Angelia, I'm sorry I don't have time for a full reply right now, and sorry you didn't get more answers.

Good job Gem and BinThere!

Hang in there Angelia,
J
in recovery 4.5y

Jenny,
Ignore the thread from justaguy...he is a woman ,no doubt.

All others...don't allow him/her to devour your mind.

Debi

I have no issue to debate. No, I may not understand all the complexities. I am a man. I am not the betrayer, nor the betrayee. Yes, a child is able to be raised to become a contributing member to society without both parents. Yes, love and support from extended family members is more than adequate. But I also very strongly believe in a father rising up to his responsibility after bringing a life into this world. I'm not saying the betrayed wife should be the one left not completely satisfied. What direction is my advice coming from? I'm not really giving any advice, just giving another angle to think about. Real men take care of their offspring. Real women take care of their offspring. Is it easier to abandon the child, very much so. Will the child be scarred for life not knowing his biological father, most likely not. Is the betrayed wife wrong for not wanting the child in the life of her husband, no. Will the marriage heal better without other child, no doubt. Am I trying to devour (get real) anyone's mind, no. Again, I'm just bringing another angle to consider. Is it a popular angle, obviously not. But to be in the minority's view point doesn't mean it's dismissable. I just very strongly believe a child should have the love and support of his/her father - be a man and take care of your child(ren). Should the decision be made to have no contact, the betrayed wife may no longer think of the child, but if the husband has any sense of moral obligation, he will always be thinking of the child left behind. The decision of the betrayed wife to stay or leave is hers to make. Either decision is not wrong. To the betrayed wives, I'm not trying to be disrepectful, or downplay the burdens that's been unfairly placed on you. I judge no one's decision, nor condemn anyone's decision. I'm merely stating a different view not held by many. I wish you peace and happiness in whatever decision you and your husband arrive at. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. How long the night? Just long enough that you will make it. Although st this time you may not see the sun, know that it is coming, it will rise. That's all I have to say on this subject.

Thank goodness the hijacker has nothing left to say on this.

Angelia,

I do think of the OC occasionally. My life is not consumed by it. I lead a happy, basically normal life. Since the money is auto deducted from H's paycheck, I only think of it when we run out of money and I think of what we could do with $650 a month. I know it doesn't take that much to raise my daughter, but oh well. Life goes on.

I think of her sometimes when I see what a wonderful father to our daughter my DH is. I feel sad for her that she doesn't know him.

But that is OW's choice, not mine. She chose to have a child with a married man. She purposefully got pregnant from a married man so what did she expect?? She made that decision not me. I have always been a firm believer that if a woman doesn't want to get pregnant or be a single mom then don't have sex until you are married. If you have sex and you aren't married you run the BIG risk of being a single mother.

I used to feel guilt about OC. But it is not my burden. I believe our marriage is first and my H has put it first. (He wasn't doing that when he was boinking OW but we all make mistakes) I don't think God will blame him for that. He has done all he can to repair the damage he has done, he just can't provide emotionally for the OC.

OW in our case is not playing with a full deck of cards. After 6 years, she is still obsessed with my H. She doesn't want him to be a daddy as much as she wants HIM. She has never said to him that OC needs a father etc. What she kept saying even at court was that she "still loved him after all this". Please, that isn't love, it is obsession.

As for DH, I don't really know if he thinks of OC that much. He has always says that he feels no connection to her. Since he has never met her and we really didn't know if there was an OC until later, he feels like he was a sperm donor. I know once he said he hoped that OW loved her D as much as we love ours. But he still doesn't want contact mostly because he knows OW will do everything she can to sabotage things. It just isn't worth it.

Give yourself time. You are still so fresh in this and the pain is so great. It is probably hard to believe it is really real sometimes. We are almost 6 years into recovery and things get better. If yo and DH are really determined to make your marriage work, you can do it.

Take things one day at a time. Listen to your heart and don't be so hard on yourself. THere is no right or wrong way to react or to feel in this situation. The situation is what is not right. But since you are here, you must do what you can to make it though it.

Take care.

Just a Guy,

take a walk in the shoes .... and then see if you have the same point of view.

imagine you wife giving birth to her lover's child and that lover in every way possible trying to reak havoc on you and your existing children's lives.

Imagine every time she looked in that baby's eyes she saw her OM.

Imagine every time you looked at the child your heart felt pierced all over again by the betrayal of your wife giving her body (and possibly heart) to another.

Imagine having him (OM) attempting seduction at every opportunity, and trying to come up with excuses to get you wife over to his house all under the guise that the child needs her.

Imagine every time you came in contact with OM he choses to drop little inuendos about how their love making was or how much they were in love when they concieved the child they have together.

Imagine your children eating ramen noodles and spagetti o's for dinner every night because of the exorborant amount of CS awarded by the courts.

Imagine watching the OC attend ballet and dance, or baseball and soccer, living in a fine house, attending private school, while you cannot afford such luxuries for your children because you live in a state where the custodial parent's income is not factored in when calculating support amounts.

Imagine him allowing his child to be incorporated into your lives and then deciding that "visitation" isn't in the best intrest of the child ... just because your wife won't give him a piece of [censored].

Imagine the heartbreak your children would feel having their half brother or sister suddenly removed from their lives just because the OM (other man) has a whim.

Imagine your wife never gets over the longing for OM because of the regular contact with him.

Imagine her thoughts being dominated by "what if I would have stayed with OM".

Imagine after all your sacrafices financially and emotionally you make your wife decides it's best she "make a family" with the OM.

All this because you weren't afforded the opportunity to rebuild your marriage without the outside interferance or influence of OM and OC.

Bottom line ... these women were robbed and I don't blame any one of them for supporting their husbands on NC.

The ramifications of being a single parent in every essense of the word should have been considered by the WS before they had an affair with a married person.

If single parents can do it with sperm donators ... the a WS should expect the same.

You know what all children deserve ... someone to love them, and education, food and shelter. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the bio parent providing all or any of those things.

Again I say ... take a walk in a BS's shoes and then and only then you can you form an informed opinion based on the REALITY in YOUR life. Obviously this isn't your reality so you'll excuse us when we can't apply your opinion to our indidvidual situations.

Z.

Zebra: As always you said exactly what I wanted to say to justaguy. He has no idea.

Everyone else....gem, happy girl, jenny, THANK YOU!!! yes, right now it's fresh and I can think of nothing else. I wanted to know if at some point - my life would return to normal and I can't think of anyone better than this bunch of wonderful surviving ladies to ask these questions to!

Have a great day ladies!!!!